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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Not quite the ex

89 replies

Runnerbean67 · 02/07/2023 08:45

Hi there everyone. My partner and I met nearly two years ago and instantly clicked. I’m 55, divorced six years ago and have two daughters in their early 20’s. I also have my own house in a rural area, my own business, dogs, sheep, chooks and a horse. He is 61, separated 6 years ago after 28 years of marriage, is semi retired with three late 20’s kids, has his own house 300 miles from his family and a successful business that requires minimum input.
All looks rosy doesn’t it.
But. He is still married and regularly attends events with his wife. She still lives in the family home and lives on half the profit from the business. He wants me to live with him but I explained that I’m not prepared to do that until he has no emotional, legal or financial ties to his wife-I.e. he’s divorced. Any mention of the subject, or any questions about the relationship with his wife causes him to blow up, call me mercenary and then stonewall me for up to two weeks.
He is unable to discuss anything we disagree on and uses stonewalling/sulking as a tactic, then, when I capitulate on whatever the issue was, will just sweep it under the rug and pretend nothing’s happened. I’ve tried SO hard to calmly, emphatically and honestly explain to him what his behaviour is doing to our relationship but it changes nothing. He’s promised to try to deal with our disagreements in a healthier way but here we are on day 6 of another extended sulk. He’s just gone to a wedding reception with his wife because his daughter was a bridesmaid (for a uni friend of hers I guess he met once?) It was a same sex civil ceremony and he (and wifey) would only have known their daughter and perhaps one of the marrying couple? It wasn’t that I had a paddy that he was going; he didn’t TELL me or discuss; I happened to find out. He made another excuse as to why he needed to drive 300 miles…
He’s a good man. He’s kind and loving and generous and we generally get on like a house on fire. I’ll admit we generally do stuff around where he lives (25 miles from me) because he doesn’t like/can’t do my hobbies but I still make time
for my own interests.
What do I do? Do I walk away because of his appalling communication style and refusal to get divorced? Am I wasting my life here? 😢

OP posts:

Whataretheodds · 02/07/2023 11:02

monsteramunch · 02/07/2023 09:35

I think he feels guilty about breaking up the family and still responsible for his wife.

Surely if this was true he would divorce and agree to a 50/50 split of all assets?

Rather than the status quo which is him presumably funding her lifestyle, but it being dependent on them having an amicable relationship.

She would be in a much more secure financial position if they actually divorced as she would then be independent.

Exactly, I suspect having a wife is convenient from a tax perspective, and she is doubtless under the same sulking and silent treatment as OP in order to make her acquiesce and protect her livelihood.

WhineWhineWhineWINE · 02/07/2023 11:32

You tell him you will not combine your finances with his until they are completely and legally untangled and separated from his ex wife. If he won't do this and you are not happy to just carry on as your are, then that is a clear deal breaker.

DollyTheFluffyOne · 02/07/2023 12:16

Sadly you have put up with this for two years. Time to walk away I say.

Celynfour · 02/07/2023 12:17

I would aim to be very clear with him
You are in a strong financial and emotional position and you can choose how you proceed regardless of his sulking
I wouldn’t dream of even thinking about moving in with someone who wasn’t properly legally single . Infact I’m amazed his ex hasn’t insisted .
This is a boundary issue in my view .
I would tell him I wouldn’t even be thinking of progressing the relationship beyond dating and there’s no discussion to be had until this is dealt with . Just ignore the sulking the way you would with a teenager .
I insisted my partner dealt with his house with his ex partner and their financial affairs before I would marry him . He did . He then made it very hard for us to divorce because he couldn’t really be bothered with the paperwork . I should have noted the signs he was giving me !
You are the same age as me in a similar position. I wouldn’t rush to combine your life with someone - especially not a sulker . I’m not sure I would mind so much about the attending family occasions as I wouldn’t deny a previous life - but I would view that differently if it was being done in an underhand way or to manipulate your feelings.

Dery · 02/07/2023 12:19

@Runnerbean67 - it’s hard to see things clearly when you’re inside them but looking from the outside: what you have described is a man who wants everything entirely his way, only treats you well when you’re doing exactly what he wants you to do and bullies you into submission when you express your own needs/disagree with him. Why do you think you want or need that in your life?

Original poster

Runnerbean67 · 02/07/2023 12:53

Thank you everyone for your helpful, insightful replies. I agree that his reluctance to divorce is financially driven. But I also think his wife is keeping quiet because she hopes he’ll pop off and she’ll get everything - I don’t blame her; perhaps she deserves it for living with him for 28 years and giving him 3 children! I am more concerned about his refusal to discuss things and his stonewalling. I hate it. It destroys me and makes me second guess my own point of view and feel that I’m in the wrong. He says he wants to marry me and I’ve said that we are going absolutely nowhere until he sorts out the divorce and we learn to communicate more effectively and healthily.
I capitulated today and messaged him after 6 days of silence. His view is that I’m always criticising him and he’s done everything he can to make me happy but it’s not good enough. We’ve agreed to meet for a coffee…

OP posts:

Yupiknowhowthatfeels · 02/07/2023 12:58

He sounds awful frankly. I'd put an end to his "Having his cake and eating it" arrangements.
You can find a nicer, kinder man.

さくらchan · 02/07/2023 13:00

I rarely post and Im in the middle of something but had to quickly say you really need to ditch this abusive man

BlastedPimples · 02/07/2023 13:08

Is it his wife's business too? Does she have a stake in it after a long marriage? Clean break isn't always determined as the best route.

I can understand the financial ties in that sense because it might have been mutually beneficial agreement for them both and their dcs.

But the rest is too close for comfort. Not to mention his refusing to deal with it and sulking about if.

His set up doesn't work for you. It works for him. Time to knock your relationship with him on the head.

Frogmila · 02/07/2023 13:11

Nah. Anyone can be lovely and kind and fun when they're getting everything their own way but it's more important how they handle any disagreements.

He does so by lying, giving you the silent treatment, refusing to see your stance and accusing you of being overly critical etc.

It's interesting that it sounds like his wife would be in a more secure (or at least a more certain) position of they did divorce and agree everything on paper yet it suits him not to do that. He perhaps quite likes being the one in control.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 02/07/2023 13:13

Do I walk away because of his appalling communication style and refusal to get divorced?

yes . Won’t be easy and won’t be pleasant
most probably 💔

but he’s married !!!! And refusing a divorce
and won’t even discuss it
just strops off instead

and you can’t continue , it will eat away at you and get worse and worse

monsteramunch · 02/07/2023 13:23

I am more concerned about his refusal to discuss things and his stonewalling. I hate it. It destroys me and makes me second guess my own point of view and feel that I’m in the wrong.

It's really sad to hear you describe this relationship like this then hear you say you're even considering staying with him.

What do you think the chances are of a man who was married for 30 years suddenly deciding to change his ways for someone he has no financial / child ties to?

Why on earth are you meeting up with someone you know is fundamentally a selfish bully?

bjrce · 02/07/2023 13:31

It wasn’t that I had a paddy that he was going; he didn’t TELL me or discuss; I happened to find out. He made another excuse as to why he needed to drive 300 miles…

The fact that he didn't even have the respect to tell you he was going to a wedding with his wife highlights the fact he knew you wouldn't be happy but he did it anyway. He keeps you and your relationship firmly in a box.

This is in direct contrast with
He says he wants to marry me and I’ve said that we are going absolutely nowhere until he sorts out the divorce and we learn to communicate more effectively and healthily.
I capitulated today and messaged him after 6 days of silence

You are still the one that had to reach out first! can you not see, you are wasting your time time with this guy. Nothing going to change! Unless you make a change for yourself!

NotNowGertrude · 02/07/2023 13:35

You are wasting your time with him

Niceseasidetown · 02/07/2023 13:38

His personal life is a mess. Perhaps remind him that married men shouldn't be discussing marriage with other women.

I think you've been too soft actually (not a criticism as I can see you have been firm on not moving in).

He thinks you'll back down. He sounds like a man very used to getting his own way.

That's no attitude to take into the next and final two decades of life.

You need to state clearly and unambiguously and without apologies your conditions for this continuing.

He starts divorce proceedings . 24 hours cooling off is fine longer than that you won't tolerate. Whatever else.

Stop trying to see everyone else's point of view and be clearer about what you will and won't accept

Back it up with actions.

I suspect he will be brought into line but for as long as you are putting up with this appalling behaviour he won't change.

User63847484848 · 02/07/2023 13:43

Regardless of the messiness of his situation with his wife, the communication and dealing with conflicts/disagreements sounds awful and potentially emotionally abusive and is one of the main reasons I left my H. So never mind the rest, there will always be disagreements from time to time and don’t you want a healthy dynamic where you can work through them together with your partner? Doesn’t sound like he can do that so it’s a LTB from me

dexterslockedintheshedagain · 02/07/2023 13:48

He wants to marry you?? How on earth can he do that if he won't get divorced???

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/07/2023 13:56

Your mistake here was to at all capitulate. Now he truly knows that this is an effective way to control you and bring you to heel.

Cancel the coffee meeting. No good will come of it and he’ll likely stonewall you again.

Remember that abuse is NOT about communication or a perceived lack of, it’s about power and control. He wants absolute here over you and his wife and the only person he loves is his own self.

Addicted2LoveIsland · 02/07/2023 13:57

Wow. It sounds like he starts this when he needs to go somewhere with his wife. After such a long separation they should really be divorced.

I personally wouldn't tolerate his behaviour and I certainly would be marrying him. My ex would behave like this and it is emotional abuse.

I'm not ine for shouting leave him but I can't see how this can work. How will you co-habit like this? If he decides to stonewall you, will you just ignore one another in the house? It seems crazy to me.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/07/2023 13:58

What do your daughters think about this man? Would you want them to have a relationship like this?. Why are you showing them that this treatment of you from him is acceptable to you?. Are you that desperate and or lonely for male company?.

WhineWhineWhineWINE · 02/07/2023 13:58

6 days of silence???!!

Nope, just absolutely no. Bin.

TiredCatLady · 02/07/2023 14:03

@Runnerbean67 you’re a catch. Independent, own home, good job and concerned about others well-being.

You deserve a whole lot better than this self centred sulky moron. 61 going on 16. He’s treating you very poorly.

Use your coffee meet to let him know that you’re done with him as he really needs to sort his life out. (The sarcastic cow in me would buy him a piece of cake and tell him it’s a parting gift as he likes to both have his cake and eat it). No doubt he’ll kick off but that’s even more reason to walk away.

There is someone better out there who will treat you with respect.

Epidote · 02/07/2023 15:25

The more you talked about him, the less I like him and more convinced I am that he is just singing the sirens song to please everyone ears and getting his way.

He doesn't want to marry you, if that is the case he wouldn't be sulking because you have told him to get divorced.

He doesn't want to divorced because he doesn't want to split his assets.

He is just in his beach signing a just for your ears melody waiting for you to drift into the costal rocks to take advantage, as he seems to be doing with the woman who is still his wife.
Don't fall for that. You have done it very well on your own and you don't need that kind of stuff.

TheoTheopolis23 · 02/07/2023 15:39

Any mention of the subject, or any questions about the relationship with his wife causes him to blow up, call me mercenary and then stonewall me for up to two weeks.

Get rid of him.

As for these separated but not divorced, enmeshed people .... Everything on their terms ... They're not capable of a real relationship and they're not good relationship material.

Ultimately even somebody they like is not enough for them to inconvenience themselves and change things; they'll just keep.trying to get somebody they "like" who puts up with it.

TheoTheopolis23 · 02/07/2023 15:48

dexterslockedintheshedagain · 02/07/2023 13:48

He wants to marry you?? How on earth can he do that if he won't get divorced???

Exactly.

Men like this know what to say.

Actions matter, not words - he's not even prepared to get divorced from his first wife!

And uses intimidation tactics to shit you down when you "dare" to raise it.

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