Not quite the ex

[Runnerbean67]

Hi there everyone. My partner and I met nearly two years ago and instantly clicked. I’m 55, divorced six years ago and have two daughters in their early 20’s. I also have my own house in a rural area, my own business, dogs, sheep, chooks and a horse. He is 61, separated 6 years ago after 28 years of marriage, is semi retired with three late 20’s kids, has his own house 300 miles from his family and a successful business that requires minimum input.
All looks rosy doesn’t it.
But. He is still married and regularly attends events with his wife. She still lives in the family home and lives on half the profit from the business. He wants me to live with him but I explained that I’m not prepared to do that until he has no emotional, legal or financial ties to his wife-I.e. he’s divorced. Any mention of the subject, or any questions about the relationship with his wife causes him to blow up, call me mercenary and then stonewall me for up to two weeks.
He is unable to discuss anything we disagree on and uses stonewalling/sulking as a tactic, then, when I capitulate on whatever the issue was, will just sweep it under the rug and pretend nothing’s happened. I’ve tried SO hard to calmly, emphatically and honestly explain to him what his behaviour is doing to our relationship but it changes nothing. He’s promised to try to deal with our disagreements in a healthier way but here we are on day 6 of another extended sulk. He’s just gone to a wedding reception with his wife because his daughter was a bridesmaid (for a uni friend of hers I guess he met once?) It was a same sex civil ceremony and he (and wifey) would only have known their daughter and perhaps one of the marrying couple? It wasn’t that I had a paddy that he was going; he didn’t TELL me or discuss; I happened to find out. He made another excuse as to why he needed to drive 300 miles…
He’s a good man. He’s kind and loving and generous and we generally get on like a house on fire. I’ll admit we generally do stuff around where he lives (25 miles from me) because he doesn’t like/can’t do my hobbies but I still make time
for my own interests.
What do I do? Do I walk away because of his appalling communication style and refusal to get divorced? Am I wasting my life here? 😢

How are you getting on op? Please Say you've dumped this future faker. Look up future faking. It's a real thing.

Dump asap please . This will not end well op . It will definitely end though .

I capitulated today and messaged him after 6 days of silence.

Why? He treats you like utter shit knowing you won't go anywhere. Not only will you not go anywhere but you cling on even harder. His primary relationship is with his wife. It wouldn't be for me. You need to work on your self esteem. Asap.

He’s a married man, living in the marital home with his wife. They regularly go to events together. He doesn’t want a divorce from his wife. You are the other woman, not his “partner”.
If that isn’t bad enough, he blows up at you, or stonewalls you and sulks.
For him, this is a great setup, just as it has been for many other married men who have an OW. For you, it’s going absolutely nowhere.

You sound like a catch - he doesn't.

No. He doesn’t live with his wife. She lives 300 miles away. They have been separated for 6 years. He’s just not done anything about the actual divorce.

How did the coffee go op?

If you can't discuss anything with him without him sulking or stonewalling you, the relationship is down the toilet anyway. How can it be anything but when his idea of conflict resolution is to sulk for weeks.

There's no way on this earth I'd live with someone like that. What happens if he's not pulling his weight housework wise, or he didn't put the bins out in time, put red pants in a white wash and you need to ask him not to, will he sulkfor a few days?

Apologies, I didn't read the first post properly.

We met up on the beach on Friday evening and talked for about three hours. He listened to my point of view and I listened to his, without defensiveness or dismissiveness. He has promised faithfully to never stonewall me again and try to learn to deal with conflict in a more constructive way.

He also ( allegedly) spoke to his wife about selling up all his businesses, the FMH and starting divorce proceedings.
I then went home despite him asking me to stay.
We went out for a ‘date’ the following day and I spent Sunday doing my own thing.
So. We’ll see won’t we.

Good luck RunnerBean.
I just want to point out to you that even if he sorts his personal, business and financial entanglement with his wife out, the elephant in the room will be the fact that he had to do so under pressure and duress from you. You've already experienced his emotional bullying, withdrawal of affection and tantrumming when you asked for answers.....are you very sure he isnt going to resent you and throw this up in your face forever more going forward?
To me there were two massive red flags in your story.....the first was his situation with his wife, and the second was the man himself and his reactions and way of engaging with you which were controlling and nasty.
Maybe this whole situation is good in that its given you pause fo rthought. You were right not to stay over. take a big step back and use this time to look at him, the relationship and all the hstory and attending circumstances with the clear eyes and head that come with a bit of distance.
Good luck. You sound great :)

He also ( allegedly) spoke to his wife

You don't trust him. What would it take to make you understand that this relationship won't make you happy? He's made you the exact same promise before, re conflict resolution, so it's not 'We'll see', it's 'We have already seen'.

OP - I really hope this works out for you but honestly, a sulker doesn't just stop sulking. So nothing will happen, eventually you'll crack and ask for change, and he will accuse you of nagging or whatever word he uses and off he'll go again. And when you point out the the promised never yo do that again he will tell you that he didn't want to do it but what else can he do when you are so unreasonable.

Sorry.

His wife put up with this shitty behaviour for however long. And now they are divorcing. Maybe. Like you say, if she dealt with his stonewalling crappy behaviour whilst bringing up 3 kids, she probably does deserve to be compensated for it. Why would you put up with it? You don't need to. It all seems so pointless.