What do I do now?

[Jenna345]

I’m feeling very alone right now and I’m not sure how to keep strong or what my next steps are.

Me and my partner have been back together for a few months after being apart just over a year. In this time we both saw new people - nothing serious for either of us. In the past he’s had anger issues and a lot of them were taken out on me.

Last night we’d been to a party at my friends and decided to walk home after. Everything was fine we held hands , had a good night and everything seemed good. Suddenly on the walk home he turned and started demanding to know the surname of the guy I was seeing because he wanted to do him over. I wouldn’t give it to him and I said that I thought we were moving on from this. He proceeded to say that our sex life was rubbish because he didn’t want to go near me and that I was slag and a slut. He also knows I want a baby but said this is why he won’t ‘put a baby in that ‘. He started shouting in my face demanding his name , I was begging him to leave me alone but he kept blocking my way and pushing me. He pushed me a bit to hard and I ended up falling in a bush with spikes and ended up cutting my leg up. He then walked off leaving me on the side of the road having a panic attack saying that I wasn’t to come home.

Everything’s been so good and now I’m just left confused and back to square one. I’ve never cheated on him and the original break up was his choice. No idea what to do now…

Lol OK so he wants to know the guys surname and that's fine but if you want to know the two girls surnames, you're 'delusional'. Aye OK, pft, the guy is a complete whack job.

Please stop having the same conversation over and over with him. I know it's easier said than done, but tell him 'im not speaking about this with you anymore...either get over it or sod off'. Chances are he WILL leave for a bit in order to mess with your head. But that's brilliant as he doesn't know you're leaving him anyway. It'll maybe buy you space away from him in which to get away if he thinks you're sat home pining after him.

You're not going mad. He's driving you mad.
Your doctor can't help you unless you're honest. And then they'll tell you exactly the same thing - there's nothing wrong with you except you're in an abusive relationship.

Dont tell him you saw your gp. He'll start saying you are crazy or ill and thats why you want to leave him.

Remember, you're just trying to live your life. But for him you are his chessboard rival and he is constantly looking to play checkmate with you. He wants to obliterate you. He means you harm.

So remember everything he says and does is working towards that. He isn't someone who loves you he's someone who hates you. So don't let what he says count for anything. Its fucking bullshit. He's a strategist on a war council trying to break you.

Consider looking for a room in a flatshare op. An all women flat though! As you are vulnerable to other creeps right now. Spareroom is useful (gumtree is a bit dodgy maybe but also worth checking). You could make new friends and have a new place to live at the same time :)

Ps: know the thought of flatsharing can be a bit daunting but its so much cheaper than renting a whole place. You could even get a room with an ensuite if you are lucky. Plus you might not need to commit to a certain time length. And there will be other people in the home to look out for you.

Just always do basic checks. Like that the person letting the room is on the lease/owns the home. And meet everyone from the property you will share with before moving in.

Something to think on if you want out fast.
You could always take a room for a bit and then rent somewhere to yourself if yoi find something suitable later on. At least it gets you away from him.

Your welcome

Your doing well x

How are you today @Jenna345

@mumofblu I'm still feeling very low , trying to find my way through the fog. My doctors referred me to the mental health team so I'm hoping I can get some help.

I've also been offered a new job but with everything going on I'm not sure if it's the right thing to do. It seems like a great opportunity and something to focus on but it also feels scary leaving everyone I know where I am.

Hope you're well x

This all sounds positive
Feeling low is normal
Mental health team great idea
New job , wow . This may be just what you need to keep you focused on the future you want

How are things at home

And you could have a leaving do with old colleagues , and set up keeping in touch nights out

I'm my experience you can feel like a square peg in a round hole at this time but this is normal when adjusting from a break up

I remembered being told most people fake it till you make it

And you will make it x

@mumofblu Thank you, that's what I'm trying to focus on.

Things at home are the same - he keeps trying to talk and get the information he wants by using the same lines of 'You've chosen this as you're withholding information, you don't care about me etc etc'

You have done nothing wrong
He has done lots worse

Are you managing to avoid arguments ?

I'd just fucking agree 'you're right I don't care about you. Don't let the door hit you on the way out. Or maybe do and believe it when it gaslights you about it'.

Seriously sod him.
Don't do any washing or cooking for him either.
You're done so be done.

I agree it's v tempting to shoot him with both barrels but given he assaulted on Saturday , is still arguing his case and op has nowhere to go I would not do anything to provoke him

Think it don't say it is the safest action at the moment , revenge will come when she leaves and creates a happier life for herself

Or give him a fake made up surname.
Just make sure you can't fund anyone online with that name.

And see what he does next.
Chances are he'll threaten to contact this person whenever he wants you to toe the line.
But it'll just be interesting to see what he's best gripe will be. Or his next manipulation.

So you can laugh about it whilst free in your own home one day.

Morning @Jenna345

Thought of you this morning and how last week was the incident that bought you to post on here . Hope you are feeling strong .

Thinking of you and hope you're doing OK, that's great news about the new job, but do what is right for you, stay strong, we are here for you xx

@Jenna345
I hope you are ok , please reply to let me know how you are x

@mumofblu Thank you, so sorry I didn’t get any notifications. I’m still struggling but I’ve been trying to keep myself busy. Hope you’re ok x

@clareangel thank you for checking in on me. X

Good to hear from you @Jenna345
Have a good day

Sorry to sound like a broken record but I need a sanity check please.

Today has been name calling , shouting in my face, ripped up my notebook I was writing on and threatened to smash my room up if I didn’t tell him the answers he wanted to the questions he was asking.

I gave him some answers to calm him down , he then tried to give me a hug and said he was sorry but it makes him angry me not telling him things. He then had a calm conversation explaining how he felt - I then explained it was unacceptable what he does to me. He was denying it all because he thought I was recording him which I wasn’t.

Hes now being nice saying he cares about me and wants to help me get back to the happy , fun , confident person I was before. What’s going on?

What did you mean what's going on?

The cycle of abuse is going on.

How is your progress with getting out going? Did you consider looking for just room in a flatshare instead of a flat?

Also, again, go to the police. Seriously. You are in danger.

@Pinkbonbon yes I’ve been looking today and I’ve enquired about a studio flat - should hopefully hear tomorrow.

I know , sorry - I’m just so confused by the change that I think maybe I’m overreacting.

You're not overreacting.

He is bouncing back between nasty and nice on order to fuck with your head.

Its a manipulation tactic. Its designed to make you think 'oh maybe that stuff earlier wasnt qs bad as i thought because look at how nice he is being now'. It also let's him say 'what are you talking about!? Look how nice I've been to you today. I did xyz for you. You're never happy. You're obviously crazy' ect...

It's all just warm tactics.

And you said yourself he thought he was being recorded too so he's probably worried about that.
Seriously though...that increase in paranoia from him...he's becoming more and more dangerous.

Is it possible you could stay elsewhere for now op? Because I really don't think it's safe there.

*war tactics

So he escalated his behaviour into intimidation and physical violence (ripping up your notebook, threatening to smash up your room are violent behaviours) to scare you into giving him what he wants. When you do as he wants he’s loving and calm (with some gaslighting thrown in for good measure). He’s training you - letting you know that he’ll force you to do whatever he wants to stop things escalating further. That’s what’s going on, nothing less.

I know you’re making plans to leave, keep going with that and get out sooner rather than later. You’ve been given some excellent advice here - listen to it and act on it. The longer you stay the more you’ll convince yourself he’s a good guy struggling with your behaviour - little by little you’ll change and soon you won’t recognise yourself and you’ll be stuck. Double up on contraception to avoid an unintended pregnancy, get your paperwork and finance in order, seek support from friends but get yourself free of him once and for all.

He knows exactly what he’s doing, it’s purposeful and designed to keep you in a place. Keep reminding yourself of that every time you feel yourself wavering. He’s not someone you can build a safe, calm, secure future with.

What's going on, to echo everyone else, is that he's a violent and abusive man.

You need to leave, leave him, and sell the house.

I'd be looking at whether a friend could put me up for a few weeks after that outburst tbh. I would 100% have a friend stay with me for as long as they needed if it meant they could get away from a man like that.