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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What do I do now?

127 replies

Jenna345 · 02/07/2023 06:53

I’m feeling very alone right now and I’m not sure how to keep strong or what my next steps are.

Me and my partner have been back together for a few months after being apart just over a year. In this time we both saw new people - nothing serious for either of us. In the past he’s had anger issues and a lot of them were taken out on me.

Last night we’d been to a party at my friends and decided to walk home after. Everything was fine we held hands , had a good night and everything seemed good. Suddenly on the walk home he turned and started demanding to know the surname of the guy I was seeing because he wanted to do him over. I wouldn’t give it to him and I said that I thought we were moving on from this. He proceeded to say that our sex life was rubbish because he didn’t want to go near me and that I was slag and a slut. He also knows I want a baby but said this is why he won’t ‘put a baby in that ‘. He started shouting in my face demanding his name , I was begging him to leave me alone but he kept blocking my way and pushing me. He pushed me a bit to hard and I ended up falling in a bush with spikes and ended up cutting my leg up. He then walked off leaving me on the side of the road having a panic attack saying that I wasn’t to come home.

Everything’s been so good and now I’m just left confused and back to square one. I’ve never cheated on him and the original break up was his choice. No idea what to do now…

OP posts:
mumofblu · 02/07/2023 17:58

And please don't leave this thread

I and many others care about you

There is not one single person on here who has defended his actions because there is no defence

Original poster
Jenna345 · 02/07/2023 18:01

@mumofblu Thank you - I think I need to try and work some things out and see if I can rent anywhere alongside my mortgage. My grandparents bought me up and my gran suffers really bad with anxiety so I don’t want to cause her stress. I’ve got a dog with him and the thought of leaving him breaks my heart.

I work full time but I’m struggling to keep my head in the game atm.

OP posts:
SpringleDingle · 02/07/2023 18:02

You need to split… For good! He is horrible and both emotionally and physically abusive!

mumofblu · 02/07/2023 18:07

Contact woman's aid they will help with the dog as well as great advice

Also I understand not wanting to cause stress to your gran but this man could seriously hurt you . Imagine her pain if anything happened to you .

Any sisters or brothers , colleagues at work ? You may find some people don't want to get involved but you may also find a diamond .

I told a work colleague who put me in touch with a friend who recently separated also . We are best friends to this day , speak daily , she had a child with her ex and we went through it together . She also went on to a happy marriage and a 2nd child .

You have a future , make sure it's the one you want . This is the start

Opentooffers · 02/07/2023 18:14

So, when you were split up for a year, who stayed in the house, or have you bought it since getting back together?
He ended things with you, so you were both free to see others, you have done nothing wrong. Sharing what each of you had been up to in-between times, is not really a wise move, and it looks like he's a wildly possessive and controlling type - no surprise, that kind of despicable behaviour goes hand in hand with abusive types. You've given him the ammo to use against you, but it shows you can add, control and jealousy to his long list of flaws.
Let me guess, you split on his terms, and then got back together when he wanted to , and you've gone along with it all because he's convinced you that you can't do any better and deserve what he's dishing out. Well that is BS, because nobody on this earth deserves what he is dishing out.
What to do? Talk about putting the house on the market. Decide if you can live under the same roof but separately or one of you moves out - preferably him. Last resort, but still better than trying yet again to flog a dead horse, is that you move out while the house is sold.

Original poster
Jenna345 · 02/07/2023 19:08

@Opentooffers when we split before we lived in the same house while it was up for sale.
I tried to keep it on the low when I was seeing someone but he found out.
He told me things would be different and that we could get through anything. Now it’s nothing like that.

OP posts:
SteelyMindedLiberal · 02/07/2023 19:56

You know the type of man you see on the news? Who kills his wife / partner / whole family? They always ALWAYS have the same mentality as your man. Not saying that’s where it would end up, it’s a spectrum. But the thinking behind it is exactly the same. It’s about ownership and control. It’s absolutely nothing to do with love. He has deliberately and systematically bought you low so you won’t leave. It’s textbook: literally. Please read that Lundy Bancroft pdf the other poster recommended (Why does he do that?). It changed my life. PS You have one life, and so much time to have children. Having a baby with this man will turn your one, precious, finate life into a living nightmare. Honestly. Please please RUN.

Pinkbonbon · 02/07/2023 20:36

Jenna345 · 02/07/2023 17:34

@mumofblu how did you meet your husband?
im just so beaten down I don’t believe anyone would want me again.

did you still live in your house when you were selling it or did you move out?

This is like running before you can walk though op.

You're still in an abusive relationship and already worrying about the next man!?!

Your problem atm is getting out.
And then making sure that YOU love you.
And then somewhere after thats established, IF you happen to meet a decent bloke you can worrying about being liked back...infact, even then, you don't need to because if that one doesn't, there's plenty more fish in the sea.

Partners are just supposed to be a bit of company along our lifes journey.

All this talk about not being where you want to be...thats just life. You've another 50 years of it left to do the things you'd like to do. Some you'll manage, some you won't.

Don't worry about plans over schedules. We'll never get everything we want. If we accept that - at least we can keep shitty people out of our life.

We can live and become who we are meant to be. Be free and strive and laugh and succeed... or fail - and find other dreams. As ourselves.

Never let a dream make you live in a nightmare.

Hollyppp · 02/07/2023 21:29

He sounds absolutely awful!!!!

Original poster
Jenna345 · 03/07/2023 13:45

Update : he said that if I tell him the guys surname then he’ll try to forget it all and start a family. He’s saying that by me holding the information I’m choosing this other guy over him.
i don’t see how him knowing a name is going to automatically get him to forget

OP posts:
Mumofnarnia · 03/07/2023 13:49

Jenna345 · 03/07/2023 13:45

Update : he said that if I tell him the guys surname then he’ll try to forget it all and start a family. He’s saying that by me holding the information I’m choosing this other guy over him.
i don’t see how him knowing a name is going to automatically get him to forget

He’s lying! He obviously has a vendetta over him. He is just manipulating you to give him his surname. The best thing you can do is walk away from this relationship. Someone who wants to cause violence out of jealousy is not the sort of person I’d want to be in a relationship with. Let me guess… he’s cocky, arrogant, makes nasty comments about people and calls people names behind their back and talks of do other people in too for rather petty things.

Pinkbonbon · 03/07/2023 13:52

He wants to be able to threaten you with starting shit with this guy from now on. Any time ge wants control he'll act like he's going to message the guy and cause trouble.

That's why he wants the surname.

Don't give him it.

Tell him its none of his business who you dated when you weren't together. Ideally also tell him it's none of his business because you amd him are over too tbh but I understand if you're waiting to see a solicitor ect before ending it perminantly.

Seriously though, stop entertaining these conversations from him. 'That's none if your business' and leave the room/flat whenever he starts.

Pinkbonbon · 03/07/2023 13:54

Ps

'And start a family'

Omg thats chilling.

Please never have sex with this horrible man again. Take no chances.

He's fucking deluded. And terrifying.

LifeExperience · 03/07/2023 13:55

Leave. He's abusive, a misogynist and he's gaslighting you. Please do not have a child with this wretched excuse for a man.

I could never have sex again with a man who referred to my body in that way. He's disgusting.

Pinkbonbon · 03/07/2023 14:04

Also op please step back and look at how crazy this is.

The guy is acting like you are property he owns. Even when you weren't with him. That's absolutely insane.

He is not like you. He's not normal. He's not with you out of love. You're his victim not his partner. He is like a cat playing with a mouse.

The reason you don't understand him is because you assume he is like you. That he must have some decent reason for being a total cunt. But he isn't like you. He isn't a decent human being. So he does not have decent reasons for behaving as he does.

He.means.you.harm.

Get out of this spiders Web and run for your life. Because you are being hunted.

Williehollobooby · 03/07/2023 14:12

You are seriously considering this man as the father of your children?

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 03/07/2023 14:14

You're holding something over his head! The wanker has just held your future children over your head. Run op, as fast as you can!

mumofblu · 03/07/2023 14:19

We have heard all the negatives
I'm wondering what are the positives ?
What are your reasons for staying with him ? X

DibiaEZE · 03/07/2023 14:20

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Scruffthemagicdragon · 03/07/2023 14:26

Did you make it to the concert for your birthday?

monsteramunch · 03/07/2023 15:12

I'm sorry to say this but if you're proactively planning to have a child with this man, if you're even considering doing that despite what you know about him, then you aren't in the right headspace to become a parent until you've done some serious work on why you think it is appropriate to bring a child into this dynamic.

It would be completely unfair on them and shouldn't even be something you're remotely considering doing with him.

Deathbyfluffy · 03/07/2023 15:15

This is awful - both for you and the poor guy who is potentially going to have your nutter of a hopefully soon to be ex after them.

I've been the ex partner who has some bonkers guy message them on Facebook because I dared to go out with his current partner several years ago - I've got no idea what the logic is, apart from stupid people doing stupid things.

Don't tell him the surname, get him out of your life and start a family with someone worth your time.

Original poster
Jenna345 · 03/07/2023 16:13

@Scruffthemagicdragon what do you mean?

OP posts:
Original poster
Jenna345 · 03/07/2023 16:15

@mumofblu I guess when things are good they’re great. We’ve got a lot of history and we have had good times. I guess I’m struggling to connect the two sides I see from him

OP posts:
FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 03/07/2023 16:34

Women get murdered in dv relationships so that’ll cause your Nan more anxiety than you turning up with your suitcase and a dog.

If the dogs microchipped to you it’s your dog legally.

Dv victims used to get legal aid but your going to have to contact womens aid to find out what to do about reporting it.

Honestly no idea why you’d want a child to have an abusive father just seems counterintuitive to choose abuse?