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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What do I do now?

127 replies

Jenna345 · 02/07/2023 06:53

I’m feeling very alone right now and I’m not sure how to keep strong or what my next steps are.

Me and my partner have been back together for a few months after being apart just over a year. In this time we both saw new people - nothing serious for either of us. In the past he’s had anger issues and a lot of them were taken out on me.

Last night we’d been to a party at my friends and decided to walk home after. Everything was fine we held hands , had a good night and everything seemed good. Suddenly on the walk home he turned and started demanding to know the surname of the guy I was seeing because he wanted to do him over. I wouldn’t give it to him and I said that I thought we were moving on from this. He proceeded to say that our sex life was rubbish because he didn’t want to go near me and that I was slag and a slut. He also knows I want a baby but said this is why he won’t ‘put a baby in that ‘. He started shouting in my face demanding his name , I was begging him to leave me alone but he kept blocking my way and pushing me. He pushed me a bit to hard and I ended up falling in a bush with spikes and ended up cutting my leg up. He then walked off leaving me on the side of the road having a panic attack saying that I wasn’t to come home.

Everything’s been so good and now I’m just left confused and back to square one. I’ve never cheated on him and the original break up was his choice. No idea what to do now…

OP posts:
Toohardtofindaproperusername · 02/07/2023 09:33

If you donr know what to do, get some therapy. Everyone who reads this knows a) what you need to do and b) what will happen if you don't.

You deserve to be loved. You deserve better.

gotmychristmasmiracle · 02/07/2023 13:26

Run as fast as you can and don't look back..... it wasn't you it was him!!!

Original poster
Jenna345 · 02/07/2023 15:06

I don’t even know where to begin starting again , I’m 32 and no where I wanted to be.
Im completely terrified

OP posts:
Natty13 · 02/07/2023 15:12

Jenna345 · 02/07/2023 15:06

I don’t even know where to begin starting again , I’m 32 and no where I wanted to be.
Im completely terrified

I was once you and my heart goes out to you because that feeling is so scary. But in years to come you will be SO GRATEFUL to past you for getting away from this man. Push the fear down and keep telling yourself to just take it one step at a time. You will come out of this stronger, I promise.

You deserve a nice man who isn't just putting on an act he can't maintain. Use this as an opportunity for the future to spot the red flags early and act on them. For example the first time a man shouted at me or said something nasty in an argument that was the end. It's a one strike and you're out type thing. Anyway I ended up either a very loving and sweet DH who is helping me raise our DD with a good example of how relationships should be.

mumofblu · 02/07/2023 15:15

I left a 9 year relationship when it turned bad . I was aged 32 no children shared mortgage .
At 34 I met my now husband . Been together 21 years , two lovely children and he's a great dad .

Pinkbonbon · 02/07/2023 15:38

He doesn't have anger issues, he has abuse issues.

As in, he is an abuser.

They all like to paint themselves as simply having 'lost control' because they were angry. And for some reason that's supposed to excuse their bullying. It doesn't. And it's not even true. Because he isn't 'losing control', he is acting in deliberated, calculated ways to.control.you.

How dare he put his hands on you?
How dare he call you a slag?

Why do you think any of that is remotely OK?
He belongs in a jail cell.
If a stranger did those things to you you wpuld have called the police. Why does someone who is supposed to care about you get a free pass? Do you think you deserve this shit? Because you don't. No one does. And even if they did, he has no right to treat you this way. It's illegal.

Find your anger op. Dump him (by text) and make sure to have your locks changed if he ever had a key.

Read up on how to spot abusers so you can better avoid them in future. Doctor ramani on YouTube does good videos on how to identify narcissists (npd) and similar.

Get free. If ge harasses you, call the police.

It IS that bad. He's a violent bully. And he's not abusive because he's angry, he's angry because he's abusive. Don't be fooled anymore.

Grahambella · 02/07/2023 15:41

You are very lucky he has shown his violent nature once more prior to you getting pregnant. Speak to the police. Get him removed and move on with your life. Chuck him back in the pond, he’s a loser.

Pinkbonbon · 02/07/2023 15:44

Jenna345 · 02/07/2023 08:00

thank you for your support everyone.

@YoSof we own a house together so I’ll need to stay here until it’s sold and then get my own place.

Shit.

I'm not sure that's safe.
Do you have a spare room you can sleep in and lock at night?

I mean he assaulted you...tbh I'd be reporting him to the police. They might tell him to stay away from you whilst that is dealt with in which case you could have peace for a bit.

Is the house in both your names? How much did you contribute?

You need to see a solicitor ASAP.
Amd speak with women's aid, they'll have useful ideas.

Pinkbonbon · 02/07/2023 15:47

Don't let him see you reading up on narcissists or abusers btw. He'll try and reverse it on you and make out you're abusive. That's what they do.

Just silently keep learning yourself. So you can be wise to all his little games.

Name99 · 02/07/2023 15:59

I speak from experience here, it's likely he will be full of remorse and crocodile tears, apologising and saying its because he loves you so much the thought of you with another man made him upset, he will probably blame the drink.
If you let this go you are giving him the green light to do this again and he will.
Have you got somewhere else to go?
Are you safe?

Original poster
Jenna345 · 02/07/2023 16:11

@Pinkbonbon Thank you , yes the house is in both our names. He contributed more deposit wise but the monthly payments are equally split every month.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jenna345 · 02/07/2023 16:20

He’s also now saying I ‘fell’ in the bush because I was drunk. I know in my head that’s not what happened but now I’m doubting myself

OP posts:
Natty13 · 02/07/2023 16:25

Jenna345 · 02/07/2023 16:20

He’s also now saying I ‘fell’ in the bush because I was drunk. I know in my head that’s not what happened but now I’m doubting myself

You didn't fall in the Bush. You know it and we all know it too. Lots of us have dealt with (and got away from) men like this and the mind games they play to minimise their awful behaviour.

Even if you fell in that bush, he shouted and screamed at you and called you terrible names. None of that is OK. That isn't love.

billy1966 · 02/07/2023 16:26

You need to wake up to just what a nasty abusive piece of scum he is that assaulted you.

This is a police matter that should be reported if you had an ounce of sense.

Thank god you don't have children.

Of course he is saying you fell.

He knows well you were assaulted by him.

Ring 101 and report it.

IJustHadToLookHavingReadTheBook · 02/07/2023 16:33

Fuck this. You made a mistake in getting back together with him. He's a terrible boyfriend and would be a worse father. Run, don't walk.

AuntMarch · 02/07/2023 16:40

This is not a person you want as a role model for any future DC you might have.

Do not question yourself. He is trying to convince you of an alternate version of events to best you down and make you feel like you don't really have a reason to leave or be upset with him. But actually, just his words are reason enough. Even just the threats towards the other man! He's vile, and dangerous.

Pinkbonbon · 02/07/2023 16:51

Nah you didn't fall.

But he also called you a slag and threatened to harm some fella you dated. He's absolutely batshit crazy op. A total psycho. And will say any manner of shit to try to confuse and undermine you.

If you aren't going to the police and intend to stay in the home till it sells then I'd just try to stop speaking with him too much. As he will just attempt to twist everything and fuck with your head.

Maybe you could pretend to 'need some space'. Might get him to go elsewhere for a few days. You can use that time to see a solicitor and show the home to estate agents without him being under your feet (and report him to the police too perhaps).

Be sure to tell any (supportive) friends or family what's going on too. You don't have to keep things to yourself.

Be aware be may start telling people you are crazy or he's 'worried' for you. In order to undermine you. So the sooner you get the truth out there the better. At least, amongst those you trust.

BuffyTheCat · 02/07/2023 16:55

It always, always escalates.

He doesn’t respect you.

Contact Women’s Aid.

Pinkbonbon · 02/07/2023 17:04

Ps: if he drinks around you again or goes out drinking ànd you know he will come home having drank, leave the house for that day.

I'm not saying drunk causes it. I'm saying if he drinks he will use it as an excuse to assault you again. Itll be planned. Be aware.

Also, maybe leave any sentimental items or important documents you have (passport) with people you trust. Because if you are not around to hurt, he may damage your things instead.

Damnyouautocorrect1 · 02/07/2023 17:06

Psycho. Delete, block it’s not worth it for a cock.

Ofcourseshecan · 02/07/2023 17:07

Gettingbysomehow · 02/07/2023 07:48

Leave now unless you want a life of violence for you and your child. You can have a child alone. You don't need a violent man to complicate things.
If you allow him to get away with this episode of violence it will escalate. Ma y of us on here have been there.

This, 100%. He is dangerous. I would report him to police, seriously.

He has already assaulted you and will only get more violent if you stay with him.

clareangel · 02/07/2023 17:11

Im so sorry this happened to you and I hope you are OK? You do not deserve to be treated like this, I know it's incredibly hard but if you are able to, please get somewhere safe with people who care for you, and tell this man to get out of your life for good, you do not deserve this, you deserve a good person who treats you with respect and kindness, sending you hugs lovely xx

mumofblu · 02/07/2023 17:16

@Jenna345
Read what you first posted . That's the true account of what happened not his version .

Can you stay anywhere else tonight , you need to be away from the potential violence and headfuckery that this man is capable of .

Original poster
Jenna345 · 02/07/2023 17:34

@mumofblu how did you meet your husband?
im just so beaten down I don’t believe anyone would want me again.

did you still live in your house when you were selling it or did you move out?

OP posts:
mumofblu · 02/07/2023 17:52

@Jenna345

I had two years alone, in this time I went home to my mum for a few months until he moved out ( took a while and involved solicitors)

in that time I built up my friendships and made new ones . I started out feeling like a broken-hearted failure but the more I told people ( like you have done on here ) the more I realised it wasn't me . It was really hard . I wanted the family / children as well .

On a random night out with friends I met my new husband to be . Very different to my ex , I was very choosy and knew what I wanted by then and definitely didn't need a man . He was younger than me and we took it very slowly ( I was 34) but his kindness and patience when I had a few wobbles sealed the deal for me .

My advice would be build your strength away from this man . He is an abuser and every contact you have with him will make you doubt your self , your ability to live without him , your chance of future happiness .

Tell yourself he is not your type .

Do you work ?
Are your family nearby , have you told them ? ( you should )

And don't listen to friends who may excuse his behaviour

I lost all mutual friends with my ex because they just didn't want things to change for them

You can do this , don't let this life be your future , you gave him a chance , he blew it

Speak to woman's aid too