Homewrecker kink

[bambibrijwark]

I've read on here before about not blaming the other woman if husbands cheat then it should be on them, the other woman is not to be blamed because she didn't make promises to the wife.
However! I've recently read about the phenomenon of the 'homewrecker kink'. Women who get turned on by having sex with married men.
Years ago I was unaware of this phenomenon. Years ago I also turned to this forum for advice. Strange things had been happening. I was convinced my husband was not having an affair in the normal sense but something was certainly odd. It was like there was a woman in the background. One who could be met for very short time periods, at odd times. Occasionally, I thought a woman had been in the house while I was out, even for short time periods. A couple of things went missing, then later turned up. He went AWOL early mornings, once on holiday. He lost something, then later found it. Lots of other things were happening then too. Too numerous and specific to mention.
My DH has always been adamant he has never had an affair though but I wonder if he did then know a woman with a homewrecker kink.

Sounds very complex, wouldn't be easier to out him in other ways without her going all the way to his home where she could be raped or assaulted?
I've heard of being outed via social media but not through sexless repeated visits to his home. Married men don't tend to bring their OWs to their family home in general.

Sorry. I sometimes amuse myself by being a little facetious.😊

For comparison, my ex had an affair with a woman. I read his emails telling her outright that he loved the risk of her being in our home without me or the kids knowing who she was. So if you like, sure, he has a risk kink.

I have good reason to believe that the OW had previously had an affair with a married man. She later had another affair behind my exh's back; no idea if he was also married but she was definitely a serial OW and sure, seemed to especially enjoy shagging married men. Call it a kink if you like.

The OW and my exh had a bog standard affair. The damage my exh inflicted on me and the kids was 100% his choice and his fault.

Yeah, I'm just making stuff up because I hate women :)

I honestly find these "gotcha, you must be a man, you must be making up an elaborate story of an app because NO WAY do apps exist!" suspicions on MN very childish and simplistic.

It's genuinely like the very one track mind, binary thought process of a little child.

Also, it would help if you read my first post. Not everyone posts about sex, but even among those who do post anonymously, mutual real life connections (like the watermelon imposter) would be unsurprising. Just imagine a London-based app, only the country I come from has a population far smaller than the population of London, and a population density (per area) far larger than that of London.

There are women like this. Women who are excited by and somehow feel that they’ve “won” if they can get their affair partner to take them to the marital home, have sex in the marital bed. It’s a thing and it’s not that rare. As ever though MNetters prefer to infantilise women and distance them from their horrible behaviours.

I was on a train once with a load of Middle Aged women drinking champagne where one started relating all the gory details of her current affair and the big phone confrontation she’d recently had with his poor wife where she’d told her that she’d slept in their bed, cooked in their kitchen etc. All her friends were whooping and encouraging her while the rest of the carriage listened agog. I’ve had friends like it, one who wanted me to drive her to her affair partners house so she could sit outside and spy on them together. Most women who have affairs with married men become pretty unhinged and brutal beyond a certain point in the affair ime.

I am a middle aged woman myself before anyone starts pontificating about ageism and yes I know the one who’s married is the one who bears the responsibility but let’s not pretend that the majority of women having affairs are well meaning decent women who have been taken advantage of by a predatory sly married man.

Does anyone put single women on a sinless pedestal though or paint OW as blameless women who were pursued by the married man? I don't think so. I think when people say you should blame the cheating spouse and not the OM/OW, they mean the OM/OW doesn't owe you any loyalty so it isn't your business if she's 'sinful' or blameless. You aren't married to her.

That's my view anyway.

I do know of this phenomenon though. A friend of mine is a gay man and he occasionally sees married men on the apps who show off about being married as if it makes them hotter.

I know of a few marriages which ended over OM/OW affairs. When the 'fun' of getting a married person to have sex with them behind the other spouses' backs ended, the relationships ended too as that was all they were really based on. Not in every case obviously, but I'm sure people know of it happening.

I get it OP. You've had some unusual goings on that simply didn't fit with an explanation of 'conventional' infidelity - but could be explained by two people enthusiastally engaged in the thrill of deception (rather than a relationship). In other words it would mean you were not crazy, paranoid or deducing logistically unlikely scenarios. Whereas it would be unlikely for the OW (or sex worker) to be for example in the middle of a field or a parked car for a brief encounter - this kink might make infidelity still possible.

But of course whatever the enthusiasm and complicity of another person, it still takes two, and in the rare scenario you imagine, it would be unusual, so it wouldn't be terrible advice to be skeptical of such scenarios more generally- just not preposterous. Is that right OP?

If wasn't so tragic, it would be funny. The mental gymnastics going on here to make the husband less culpable is beyond normal thought processes. Listen to what PP have said - the kink is irrelevant (if it exists, which it probably doesn't, is rare, and is still irrelevant). The OW still hasn't cheated on you or stolen something of yours. It's been given away.

Kink or not, are you using this as an distraction of what he has done?

I really doubt that this an actual thing.
And the whole ’homewrecker’ is such old and done thing now…

Other women’s bf’s and husbands really aren’t that interesting as the women like to think they are.

No other women is blameless unless she’s a stranger to the wife with no knowledge of her existence

other than that , no, she’s accountable for her side of it

but it takes 2 to tango

Liz Fraser springs to mind.

@Tadashi "Does anyone put women on a sinless pedestal though" - I assume that's with reference to my post.

I meant that there are so many posters on this thread who do mental gymnastics (my acquaintance must be a man pretending to be a woman) to insist there aren't any women on Earth who go after married men.

I absolutely believe there are, just as there are men who go after married women – but perhaps less due to lots of societal factors (toxic messages about tainted women, plus it's more common for women than man to associate their worth with sexual desirability as a holdover of conditioning from previous generations, etc).

In my view, it's very "Angel in the House" to assume that ALL women MUST be pure and sinless. Again, I said the man is also at fault here.

I also agree OP sounds bonkers though.

Acting on a kink doesn't make someone blameless.. wow that is a dangerous thing to say.

As much as you feel you may have found 'the answer' to move the blame to someone other than the person committed to you, you're higher level of thinking than most on this very uneducated(!) forum still boils down to the very clichéd homewrecker thinking. Really nothing new despite calling it a kink. Homewreckers (with or without the kink) is not a new label for common garden affair partners. Most likely she moved your stuff so you'd get suspicious and kick him out so she could have him. Far more likely.

so many posters on this thread who do mental gymnastics (my acquaintance must be a man pretending to be a woman) to insist there aren't any women on Earth who go after married men.
Not a single poster has suggested women never pursue married men. And one (1) poster said that some of the people on your acquaintance's forum might be men, or might be advertising their services, rather than actually having this kink. No-one said anything about your acquaintance being a man.

I don't know bout a homewrecker kink.

But I knew a single woman who targeted several married men during our friendship.

She was quite vulnerable in many ways and convinced herself that she could be a better partner to any of them than their wives could. At least two of them (I knew them) hadn't even fed her the line about not having sex/only being together for the children - in fact, they spoke openly and positively about their wives and clearly (to everyone else) weren't looking for affairs.

They were briefly flattered/amused (neither of them were the sort of men appearance wise at least who were used to women pursuing them!) by the attention but backed off when they realised she was serious and another did have a brief affair with her. I didnt know him beforehand but she did introduce me too him). Most of them had nothing to do with her. I know because I listened to the tears.

She was convinced she'd be a better partner to them because their wives were SAHMs or in low paid part time work and she was in a position of seniority at work on around £80k. She felt she could give them a life of opportunity, freedom and excitement that they couldn't have with their 'dull' unambitious wives and families. She tried buying their kids expensive gifts - red letter experience days like racing sports cars and the like that their wives couldn't have afforded and made them all sorts of promises.

The line that quite often gets touted on here of women just not doing that sort of thing always makes me smile because at least one of them does.

I haven't seen or spoken to this woman in around 5 years because eventually I realised that trying to get her to see that she was wrong, disrespectful and making a fool of herself was pointless.

The final trigger for me was her anger that the man whose children she wanted to buy a Formula 1 racing day for wouldn't let her meet his children (that's right - she hadn't even met them) and she was convinced it was because his wife was controling. After all, what sort of mother would deny her teenage sons an experience like that knowing she could never afford it herself (I seriously kid you not).

Some women (with very low self esteem, I suppose) get a kick out of believing they're able to draw a man away from his wife. That must prove something. Right?

I know a woman who used to do it - she is a bit of a narcissist.

Her original story was that she moved a city ( where we live/work) to move in with her divorced boyfriend, who went home to see his kids everyweekend, turns out he wasn't divorced, what a surprise, but she stayed.

Then she was a bit drunk at an event and told us she knew he was married and went home to his wife and kids at the weekends, but he sorted her visa, paid the rent etc. Proudly said she has no sense of sisterhood - she seemed to think she was winning in a competition with his wife, which the wife didn't even know she was in.

She's luckily not as open since I told her I believed very strongly in the sisterhood, but I've heard there's been a couple more attached men in her life, I think she really thinks it's sexy rather than grubby to be in a relationship based on deceit, which she would call probably call desire.

I wish we could just shiw each other photos of our pets when we go for drinks after work.

It probably is a thing, but not just for women, for men too and not just for single people, for married people too…they get off on the risk. But pps are quite right, responsibility lies with the married person to uphold the vows they made. You do not accidentally fall onto a penis or into a vagina. It’s a choice. However, if this ever happened to me, and the ow knew my DH was married? I’m absolutely certain that I’ve got enough mental capacity to be scorched earth fucking furious with him….and fairly pissed off with her too. His fault of course but I’m more than capable of being angry with more than one person at once! Wouldn’t change the fact that he is 100% responsible because she could be literally anyone….if he’s going to play away, he’s going to play away. Which begs the question….why would you ever want to be the ow?

OP you said
I received therapy and although this kink was never suggested, it was suggested to me that people do unbelievable things sometimes.
Did you not think your therapist was gently pointing out that it was possible that your husband was cheating on you even though you did not want to believe it? Because that's how it sounds to me.

On the topic of kink, I don't think it's a kink, I think it's a faulty model of attraction based on an internal belief that all women are in competition with each other and/or that men who are already "taken" have a perceived higher value than those who are unattached.

You'll also find a fair amount of women who deliberately choose partnered men for FWB arrangements as they don't have to worry about the man getting emotionally attached and they will never be expected to undertake any wifework.

I have known many men who have deliberately upped their risk of getting caught by bringing affair partners or sex workers to their home while their wife/partner was out, despite having the option to arrange something more discreet. Some of that might be a risk kink - but I think often it's a deliberate passive-aggressive act of disrespect.

There are definitely women out there who get a huge kick out of married men. Whether that be just seeing them, trying to tempt them, trying to get them to tell them things, right through to having sex with them, the more risky the better.

Exactly what Liz Fraser, Z list parenting expert did x 3 times to make sure the wives knew she was not just having affairs with their husbands, but having s’x with them in their beds. These poor women. Yet Liz claims to be the victim. She claims the men abused her. No. They ended the “relationships.” She has mad a mess of her life. https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/what_were_reading/4890757-coming-clean-by-liz-fraser-thread-2

So the women has worked out the man is married, ok but has the man remembered that thought too? Or has he conveniently forgot

A married person is 100% responsible for cheating no matter how you dress it up

"Being a dick is not a kink"

Well said, @HeidiUpTheMountain

I used to think cheating was fairly unusual. But just in my very small circle of people I know, I know three women who were the OW. They were all blasé about it too. I remember being so surprised at how ordinary they were about it.

It’s so ridiculous that we don’t put any blame on the other woman. There are so many single men out there, just go and have sex with one of them.