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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Homewrecker kink

108 replies

bambibrijwark · 01/07/2023 14:21

I've read on here before about not blaming the other woman if husbands cheat then it should be on them, the other woman is not to be blamed because she didn't make promises to the wife.
However! I've recently read about the phenomenon of the 'homewrecker kink'. Women who get turned on by having sex with married men.
Years ago I was unaware of this phenomenon. Years ago I also turned to this forum for advice. Strange things had been happening. I was convinced my husband was not having an affair in the normal sense but something was certainly odd. It was like there was a woman in the background. One who could be met for very short time periods, at odd times. Occasionally, I thought a woman had been in the house while I was out, even for short time periods. A couple of things went missing, then later turned up. He went AWOL early mornings, once on holiday. He lost something, then later found it. Lots of other things were happening then too. Too numerous and specific to mention.
My DH has always been adamant he has never had an affair though but I wonder if he did then know a woman with a homewrecker kink.

OP posts:
Original poster
bambibrijwark · 01/07/2023 15:51

No, I am, thankfully, not paranoid!

OP posts:
80s · 01/07/2023 15:52

I was challenging the narrative of the blameless OW who is pursued by a man.
Whose narrative? The one you used to have?

Original poster
bambibrijwark · 01/07/2023 15:53

Pringleface · 01/07/2023 15:51

This is a really weird thread. If you are actually a real woman, then why have you convinced yourself that there’s a label for the women married men cheat with?

Utterly bizarre.

Not a label - but a phenomenon which exists.

This was, perhaps, a step too far for this forum. I've had therapy so talking about these sorts of things comes much more naturally to me than maybe to others.

OP posts:
2bazookas · 01/07/2023 15:54

You sound paranoid.

*A couple of things went missing, then later turned up. He went AWOL early mornings, once on holiday. He lost something, then later found it."

Not being able to find something you're looking for ; then it turns up later, is bog standard in my home.

In my marriage, anyone who wakes up and gets up early is SUPPOSED to take the dog out without waking the other person.

80s · 01/07/2023 15:56

I've read on here before about not blaming the other woman if husbands cheat then it should be on them, the other woman is not to be blamed because she didn't make promises to the wife.
I think you missed the point of this argument.
It's not that the other woman is blameless, if she knew the man was marrid.
It's that the wife should concentrate on her husband's guilt and not lay all the blame on the OW as if the poor man was a blameless innocent.

Of course the OW is also to blame. But usually, you don't know her and should not waste your time thinking about her when you should be thinking about your marriage.

minipie · 01/07/2023 15:56

I don’t understand. Do you think this homewrecker kink is an explanation for the things you noticed? How could it be?

Or is it just a phenomenon you wanted to discuss on here, with no relevance to your own experience?

80s · 01/07/2023 15:57

I've had therapy so talking about these sorts of things comes much more naturally to me than maybe to others.
Is this another wind-up thread? I'm starting to lose faith in the entire premise of the forum!

Pringleface · 01/07/2023 15:57

Honestly. People on MN are obsessed with pathologising every single bit of bad behaviour.

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 01/07/2023 15:58

I had a former friend like this....zero interest in single men but would go to the end of the earth to sleep with someone else's boyfriend & even further for if they were engaged or married.

100% low self esteem & somehow thinking she must be "better" than the spouse or girlfriend.

Friendship came to an abrupt end after she hit on another friend's husband when his wife was 8 months pregnant.

She's in her early 40s now and has wrecked more relationships than I can count. It's sad but she crossed too many lines, too many times.

2bazookas · 01/07/2023 15:59

This was, perhaps, a step too far for this forum. I've had therapy so talking about these sorts of things comes much more naturally to me than maybe to others.

On MN we talk about all sorts of things even though we haven't had therapy.

Original poster
bambibrijwark · 01/07/2023 16:00

minipie · 01/07/2023 15:56

I don’t understand. Do you think this homewrecker kink is an explanation for the things you noticed? How could it be?

Or is it just a phenomenon you wanted to discuss on here, with no relevance to your own experience?

The former, yes.

How could it be? Because it satisfies some unusual events in a way an affair/prostitutes does not.

OP posts:
HeidiUpTheMountain · 01/07/2023 16:00

Being a dick isn’t a kink.

Human sexuality is complex and doesn’t need labels all over it.

Men who are unfaithful to their wives are to blame for wrecking their marriages.

Unattached women with whom they are unfaithful are not blameless, but should not be the focus of the wronged wife’s attention to the extent of excusing their husbands.

People who have had therapy aren’t deeper or more contemplative than everyone else. You really aren’t that special. If you think your husband has been unfaithful, take it up with him.

shinepud · 01/07/2023 16:01

Ok putting aside the constant "you must be a man" ridiculousness on MN, I might have been thinking along the same lines as the replies on this thread (misogyny etc) if I hadn't discovered the same kink!

I'm on a blog community / app solely for women, with many sub communities/tags... One of them is sex, which is actually quite interesting to read. But among those users there are those who are very explicit about their cheating/homewrecker kink and adventures.

Where I come from is incredibly small and 1 of them is an acquaintance (they never use their real names but things like initials, occupation, office tower views in smutty pics etc are quite obvious). I actually got v alarmed and paranoid about my own marriage – not just about her but such women in general. But I kept reading out of morbid curiosity!

I think it's feeling a sense of power and desirability, in a screwed up way. Of course this doesn't mean the man is at fault, but fault isn't mutually exclusive!

shinepud · 01/07/2023 16:02

I don't think they called it homewrecker kink though btw!

shinepud · 01/07/2023 16:03

Doesn't mean the man isn't at fault, sorry!

minipie · 01/07/2023 16:03

So you are saying you think your husband was not having an affair, but was meeting up (but nothing more) with a woman who had a homewrecker kink, and she came into your house, and took items from your husband?

And you think this is a more likely explanation than just a bog standard affair?

I think you need a new therapist. One with a better grasp of probabilities.

Lizzt2007 · 01/07/2023 16:03

bambibrijwark · 01/07/2023 15:41

I wasn't absolving married men. I was challenging the narrative of the blameless OW who is pursued by a man. It could be argued that a kink is difficult to resist and that therefore this type of woman is blameless. But these women show predatory behaviour in a similar way to those men who go looking for affairs.

It's not about being blameless because they were pursued rather than the pursuer, it's that they are blameless for the impact in YOUR relationship as they don't owe you anything. Blame should only be placed on the person who broke their promises to you, and that's your partner.

shinepud · 01/07/2023 16:05

Oh I missed that part of the OP! While I know for sure that it does exist to a surprising degree, I think jumping to homewrecker/mistress fetish is a bit bizarre. I agree bog standard affair is equally likely.

shinepud · 01/07/2023 16:06

minipie · 01/07/2023 16:03

So you are saying you think your husband was not having an affair, but was meeting up (but nothing more) with a woman who had a homewrecker kink, and she came into your house, and took items from your husband?

And you think this is a more likely explanation than just a bog standard affair?

I think you need a new therapist. One with a better grasp of probabilities.

Yes, the logic is confusing, where does kleptomania come in?

80s · 01/07/2023 16:06

Because it satisfies some unusual events in a way an affair/prostitutes does not.
What events? You have not explained the difference yet between a non-kinky OW's affair habits and a kinky OW's affair habits.

JustAnotherRandom · 01/07/2023 16:09

I hadn't heard of this as a term. I knew a girl at uni who behaved in this way. People with partners were very uncomfortable around her. She seemed to make a beeline for attached men or men that should be unavailable to her. This includes starting uni with her boyfriend (who was a teacher from her school) and then dating her boyfriend's best friend.

houseonthehill · 01/07/2023 16:09

Homewrecker kink has two forms - yes, there are women who have it in the ways described. But there's also the version in which the man invites it as a risk kink, similar to blackmail or FinDom kinks.

minipie · 01/07/2023 16:10

where does kleptomania come in

I presume the theory is that someone with a homewrecker fetish would take items of the husband’s in order to make the wife suspicious.

Or… just possibly… the husband was actually having an affair and left those items wherever he’d been meeting the OW. Or just lost them somewhere else 🤷‍♀️

If you hear hoofbeats, think horses not zebras.

Original poster
bambibrijwark · 01/07/2023 16:10

minipie · 01/07/2023 16:03

So you are saying you think your husband was not having an affair, but was meeting up (but nothing more) with a woman who had a homewrecker kink, and she came into your house, and took items from your husband?

And you think this is a more likely explanation than just a bog standard affair?

I think you need a new therapist. One with a better grasp of probabilities.

He was not having an affair, I am convinced of that.

Someone had visited the house on a handful of occasions, I had reason to believe it was a woman, some personal items of mine went missing, later returned. Some personal items of mine were moved. Nothing of his went missing from the house.

I had a first-class therapist. He did not suggest the theory of the kink at all.

OP posts:
Boomshock · 01/07/2023 16:13

I would say it's rare, and if it is a kink for some then I would say for many of those they have some kind of past experiences maybe with being rejected etc. that makes them crave the rush and power they get from cheating, knowing the man is risking everything so I assume they have poor and damaged self esteem.

Either way, it's up to the men to not go there.

I'm confused by your OP, you said you didn't think your husband was having an affair in the normal sense, but that it was like there was a woman there in the background...
but if the woman was the one with the kink then why wouldn't it have been a normal affair for your husband?