Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Homewrecker kink

108 replies

bambibrijwark · 01/07/2023 14:21

I've read on here before about not blaming the other woman if husbands cheat then it should be on them, the other woman is not to be blamed because she didn't make promises to the wife.
However! I've recently read about the phenomenon of the 'homewrecker kink'. Women who get turned on by having sex with married men.
Years ago I was unaware of this phenomenon. Years ago I also turned to this forum for advice. Strange things had been happening. I was convinced my husband was not having an affair in the normal sense but something was certainly odd. It was like there was a woman in the background. One who could be met for very short time periods, at odd times. Occasionally, I thought a woman had been in the house while I was out, even for short time periods. A couple of things went missing, then later turned up. He went AWOL early mornings, once on holiday. He lost something, then later found it. Lots of other things were happening then too. Too numerous and specific to mention.
My DH has always been adamant he has never had an affair though but I wonder if he did then know a woman with a homewrecker kink.

OP posts:
Original poster
bambibrijwark · 01/07/2023 16:14

houseonthehill · 01/07/2023 16:09

Homewrecker kink has two forms - yes, there are women who have it in the ways described. But there's also the version in which the man invites it as a risk kink, similar to blackmail or FinDom kinks.

Yes, I certainly agree with the risk kink theory.

OP posts:
Boomshock · 01/07/2023 16:15

bambibrijwark · 01/07/2023 16:10

He was not having an affair, I am convinced of that.

Someone had visited the house on a handful of occasions, I had reason to believe it was a woman, some personal items of mine went missing, later returned. Some personal items of mine were moved. Nothing of his went missing from the house.

I had a first-class therapist. He did not suggest the theory of the kink at all.

Show quote history

So you think he wasn't cheating, but there was a woman with a homewrecker kink hanging around, popping over, stealing stuff etc. to try to make it look like there was an affair because she had a 'kink'? But where is the sexual aspect in the kink then?

minipie · 01/07/2023 16:15

Oh sorry, I misunderstood about the therapist.

I don’t understand how you can be so sure about the affair?

aflix · 01/07/2023 16:17

There have always been women labelled as 'homewreckers'.

Adding 'kink' changes nothing.

80s · 01/07/2023 16:19

there was a woman with a homewrecker kink hanging around, popping over, stealing stuff etc. to try to make it look like there was an affair because she had a 'kink'?
But what she didn't know is that OP has a magical ability to distinguish between a pretend affair and a real affair, however realistic the OW tries to make it. Even if she actually HAD an affair to make it look like she was having one.

Disappointed1 · 01/07/2023 16:25

Are you still with your husband, despite knowing that he has cheated?

I know women who cannot be faithful to their partners and they completely get off on seducing taken men.

I am friends with someone who does this who maybe consciously, or unconsciously, started behaving inappropriately around my DH. I know she’s not attracted to him and probably wouldn’t consciously pursue him but it’s like she can’t help herself from behaving in this way. I don’t agree with this behaviour but I’m still friends with her. I have encouraged her into therapy a few times, she knows it’s fucked up.

I’m not threatened by her. I trust my DH. If he cheated on me with her I would hate her and never speak to her again. But the real issue would be my DH doing it.

you seem to want to understand the OW OP. What happened with you DH? Why did he do it? If you’re suggesting he was enticed by someone who saw it as a kink.. that’s not laying the responsibility at his door. It’s blaming the OW

NinjaTurtIe · 01/07/2023 16:26

shinepud · 01/07/2023 16:01

Ok putting aside the constant "you must be a man" ridiculousness on MN, I might have been thinking along the same lines as the replies on this thread (misogyny etc) if I hadn't discovered the same kink!

I'm on a blog community / app solely for women, with many sub communities/tags... One of them is sex, which is actually quite interesting to read. But among those users there are those who are very explicit about their cheating/homewrecker kink and adventures.

Where I come from is incredibly small and 1 of them is an acquaintance (they never use their real names but things like initials, occupation, office tower views in smutty pics etc are quite obvious). I actually got v alarmed and paranoid about my own marriage – not just about her but such women in general. But I kept reading out of morbid curiosity!

I think it's feeling a sense of power and desirability, in a screwed up way. Of course this doesn't mean the man is at fault, but fault isn't mutually exclusive!

How do you know everyone there is a) an actual biological woman and b) not selling or promoting her online prostitution? Men are notorious for pretending to be women online particularly ones with dodgy sexual interests or closeted.

Original poster
bambibrijwark · 01/07/2023 16:26

He was not having an affair but I do not mean to say there was no sexual element to it. I am sure there was.
I also think he must have developed a risk kink.

OP posts:
NinjaTurtIe · 01/07/2023 16:29

Why do you keep differentiating an affair from shagging the kleptomaniac homewrecker kinkster in your house and on holiday?

huntingcunting · 01/07/2023 16:29

I don't understand why you want to label this as the woman having a homewrecker kink and DH having a risk kink.
He cheated. He's a piece of shit.
Why does it help you to label it in rather than calling it what it is? Cheating.

Grendell · 01/07/2023 16:30

Reframing the OW's motive as a predatory kink does not turn the husband from a consenting cheater into a victim.

Boomshock · 01/07/2023 16:30

bambibrijwark · 01/07/2023 16:26

He was not having an affair but I do not mean to say there was no sexual element to it. I am sure there was.
I also think he must have developed a risk kink.

What's your definition of affair?

Specso · 01/07/2023 16:33

Grendell · 01/07/2023 16:30

Reframing the OW's motive as a predatory kink does not turn the husband from a consenting cheater into a victim.

This

Original poster
bambibrijwark · 01/07/2023 16:34

huntingcunting · 01/07/2023 16:29

I don't understand why you want to label this as the woman having a homewrecker kink and DH having a risk kink.
He cheated. He's a piece of shit.
Why does it help you to label it in rather than calling it what it is? Cheating.

It isn't the labels I'm interested in. I am interested in the phenomenon. If it could happen to me then it could happen to anyone.
This wasn't him acting weird, like lots of women say that he started going to the gym, coming home late. Nothing like that happened at all. Just very, very strange stuff which affected my environment. People might say, oh she was just leaving clues. Perhaps.

OP posts:
Disappointed1 · 01/07/2023 16:36

OP, your language suggests you blame the person your husband has cheated on you with. The reason for that, I’m going to assume, is that you have tried to move past this and it’s been really hard. Can I suggest you leave the bastard. You deserve better

80s · 01/07/2023 16:37

He went AWOL early mornings, once on holiday.
...coming home late. Nothing like that happened at all.
OP, do you think you might need to go back to therapy? If you are a human and not a bot, your thinking is all over the place.

NinjaTurtIe · 01/07/2023 16:37

Unless your husband is exceptionally attractive or powerful where bragging to have seduced him is a status thing then no I don't think the average middle aged Brian with pot belly, receding gums and man boobs is at risk of encountering this shedevil incarnate so we can all sleep well tonight.

shinepud · 01/07/2023 16:37

NinjaTurtIe · 01/07/2023 16:26

How do you know everyone there is a) an actual biological woman and b) not selling or promoting her online prostitution? Men are notorious for pretending to be women online particularly ones with dodgy sexual interests or closeted.

Show quote history

Yes, every time I met that acquaintance, I did notice her boobs shifted around suspiciously, almost like she'd just stuck a pair of watermelons under her shirt. It's all coming together now...

I will never understand MN paranoia about men pretending to be women (I've been told for certain that I must be a man, a few times on MN 😂).

Apart from that, it's an EXTREMELY female – plus gated and paid – app (and many of us have meetups) so I think there are far, far better audiences to sell online prostitution to. Most of the app is about career, shopping, pets, etc.

Yes there might be some very dedicated men paying good money every month to lurk on there and create a whole fake life (sex posts are just 1 bit of it) but really, even if so, I doubt there are more than 1 or 2.

Anyway, why is it so inconceivable that there are damaged people who like the thrill of snagging "unavailable" figures? Obviously the onus is on the married person to keep it in their pants. Not demonising women is one (worthwhile) thing but putting every single woman on a sinless pedestal is going too far the other way.

Boomshock · 01/07/2023 16:39

bambibrijwark · 01/07/2023 16:34

It isn't the labels I'm interested in. I am interested in the phenomenon. If it could happen to me then it could happen to anyone.
This wasn't him acting weird, like lots of women say that he started going to the gym, coming home late. Nothing like that happened at all. Just very, very strange stuff which affected my environment. People might say, oh she was just leaving clues. Perhaps.

Show quote history

Or he didn't have a risk kink and tried to act as normally as possible so that he didn't arouse suspicion.

Maybe he would have loved to say he was working late but knew that would be suss so he just met her at the house but he HATED the risk element of it.

NinjaTurtIe · 01/07/2023 16:39

80s · 01/07/2023 16:37

He went AWOL early mornings, once on holiday.
...coming home late. Nothing like that happened at all.
OP, do you think you might need to go back to therapy? If you are a human and not a bot, your thinking is all over the place.

Good shout. Should be 'explored' with 'her' first-class therapist since this phenomenon is clearly beyond us, uneducated, sheltered bunch 😏

Bixs · 01/07/2023 16:40

You’re being ridiculous, and I suspect you know it.

The motivation of the women is completely irrelevant. They can’t do anything unless the man decides to cheat. You are treating men as these helpless, powerless beings, unable to resist temptation.

Disappointed1 · 01/07/2023 16:40

Also. Just want to say that I absolutely think that you were being toyed with. Either by the OW or, more sinisterly, by your husband. But the OW owed you nothing. She isn’t to blame for him cheating

FictionalCharacter · 01/07/2023 16:41

Your husband cheated. It sounds like a furtive “meeting up for a shag when there’s an opportunity” kind of affair rather than a real relationship with the OW. This is very common. Nothing in your post suggests that the OW had any kind of kink or gave any thought to what was happening to his marriage.

5128gap · 01/07/2023 16:41

Sounds more like the Cheater Outing kink to me. I just read about it....
Apparantly it's when women get so incensed by men prepared to cheat on their wives, that they agree to go home with married men, refuse sex, but leave clues behind for their wife to find (earrings, underwear, general sense of her presence) so his wife knows what she's married to.
Do you think its that OP?

NinjaTurtIe · 01/07/2023 16:42

shinepud · 01/07/2023 16:37

Yes, every time I met that acquaintance, I did notice her boobs shifted around suspiciously, almost like she'd just stuck a pair of watermelons under her shirt. It's all coming together now...

I will never understand MN paranoia about men pretending to be women (I've been told for certain that I must be a man, a few times on MN 😂).

Apart from that, it's an EXTREMELY female – plus gated and paid – app (and many of us have meetups) so I think there are far, far better audiences to sell online prostitution to. Most of the app is about career, shopping, pets, etc.

Yes there might be some very dedicated men paying good money every month to lurk on there and create a whole fake life (sex posts are just 1 bit of it) but really, even if so, I doubt there are more than 1 or 2.

Anyway, why is it so inconceivable that there are damaged people who like the thrill of snagging "unavailable" figures? Obviously the onus is on the married person to keep it in their pants. Not demonising women is one (worthwhile) thing but putting every single woman on a sinless pedestal is going too far the other way.

Show quote history

Which app is that then? And I highly doubt that confessions of this type are openly shared in the volume you suggest if others on the app knew of the posters true identity.