What, in your experience, were the earliest red flags for narcissistic behaviours from a man

[ithinkyoureright]

Just that really?
My current boyfriend has been told by his ex, who is angry with him for finishing their relationship after months of discontent, that he is a narcissist.
He had told her that it was his worst fear as he thinks they're the worst type of people. I don't think I know any narcissists , which is why I'm asking.
Thanks.

Well firstly, don't listen to why he thinks she is calling him a narcissist. There's always a crazy ex or angry woman, but dig deeper and you'll perhaps see they were angry for a good reason.

I'd take the time to talk to HER first and not just take his view on it, which if I may say so, she's angry because he left her, does sound a little bit narc yes.

My exH was a full blown selfish prick but probably not a narcissist. My mother on the other hand... the thing I noticed is that it is always someone else's fault why they don't get along. Perhaps they didn't agree with them all the time, didn't worship them enough, you get the picture. They're unable to fathom that other people are allowed to have differing views and respect that.

I'm feeling red flags with this one already. Tread carefully.

Yes, taking the jump if you disagree with them.

How I'm the name of God are you feeling red flags from this one already ??!!
You don't know a single thing about him or their reasons for breaking up !
Genuine question?

Is she in any way a qualified psychiatrist? Because if not I'd suggest she Keith be wrong. True narcissists by diagnosis are vanishingly rare. I've worked in mental health for 22 years and I think I've met one, maybe two.

It's an over used term now often used by people
Who feel wronged in some way. It's become a catch all to describe people who are considered selfish and bullish and who twist situations to their own end and who lie. People that fabricate situations and remember them differently to how they actually happened always painting themselves as either victim or hero (or both). They are often said to recruit other people to be on their side and who will also act to denigrate their Victim.
But that could probably be applied to lots of people and is often levelled at others by people that have had their feelings hurt, say in a break up situation. So I would take it with a pinch of salt unless you have concerns about him yourself?

There are usually three sides to every break up aren't there? His, hers and the truth probably somewhere in the middle. Take as you find is my advice.

What his doing and telling you right now is a good and strong sign of one.

Earliest signs? Lovebombing..so, expressing very strong feelings very early on. Making grand gestures, ie asking to move in too soon etc.
Narcissism is a term thrown around a lot though. Particularly by disgruntled exes.
However a narcissistic person will be wholly self centred. They will manipulate, gaslight, and often have many different 'faces', depending on whom they are around. Often, you won't spot the signs immediately. And then it can be very difficult to extract yourself from the relationship.

So he’s only just broken up with her after a few rough months, and he’s already jumped into a relationship with you?!

Because I'm old. Because I've dated a lot of dickheads and learned. Because you've asked the question, why are you so offended when people answer you truthfully.

Like I said originally. The very fact he is saying she's angry "because he left her" to counter her claim he's a narc. She could very well have a good reason, but you won't know if you only listen to his opinion.

Also the very fact he's even discussing his exs opinion on him with you is very weird. Why would you care? I think he's laying the groundwork to see what you'll tolerate.

Don't ask questions though, if you don't want honest answers.

And you are an excellent potential next victim!

What a match.

Earliest signs were things like being completely obsessed over how things were in the house or for his laundry and clothes and spending a lot of money on himself for lavish things but then I wasn't allowed anything or treated to anything.

No traditional 'date' period of getting to know each other doing nice things but then suddenly buying me a £500 bike to be delivered which then he could use against me (look how much I do for you!)

Lies upon lies, said he'd told his family about us being together but he actually hid it for ages.

Moved himself into my house really quickly, think weeks it was all a whirlwind so I had no say in it.

@YouAreNotBatman totally agree. When people show you who they are, listen. (And run!)

Treacletoots is right in that actual narcissists can't brook anyone who disagrees with them or who appears to have bettered them in any way. They can't rest when that happens, however slight the situation might appear to a normal person. They think they are perfect and so therefore anyone that thinks differently to them is wrong but also seen as a threat that must be dealt with. They can never be criticised or even have the hint that they might be being. That makes them react with disproportion. They can never be wrong.

She is wrong in that there are obvious red flags. Someone's ex says something horrible about them after a break up. Hardly unheard of is it?

Sounds like a narc tendencies as it's all about him. Instead of reflecting on his last relationship and the reasons it failed, he is more pissed off about his reputation and the way he is perceived negatively. The fact that he told you, as if it couldn't possibly be true. You know him, he must fit with narc characteristics or you wouldn't be posting and would have just dismissed the comment from his ex.

A major red flag he's shown already is 'the crazy ex' trope.
He's told you that somebody else things he's a narcissist, and seeing if that is enough to put you off.

I genuinely am not offended by any answer. I'm bemused that anonymous posters who do not know anything about this man could suggest that he could be narcissistic. I want to protect myself from horrid men. I too have had my fair share. This is early days and from what I've seen he's more of a people pleaser than anything !
That's why I posted and of course , an ex who has been in control for so long , crossing basic boundaries of a relationship , will be angry when it back fires.
No more than if any of us get away with something that our partner dislikes and upsets them, yet still does it and the finally dumped for it.

Where does it say in the op that he is angry with his ex?

It says she is angry with him after they broke up following months of discontent.

So an unhappy relationship-we don't know why it was unhappy-that he then ended-as anyone has a right to do. And he is being called a narcissist by the ex but also with certainty by strangers on the internet. When all the info we have is that man and woman went out for a bit, didn't get on and he ended it, and the woman is pissed off about it.
No where does it say he has used the 'my ex is crazy trope'.

He might well be a narc. I doubt it in the diagnosed sense of the word and thats the problem with the over use of the term. He might equally be the loveliest person on the planet and the Ex might be a narc. There is nothing to say either of those things are more likely here.

Op do you have concerns about any of his behaviours? That's the only thing you need to ask yourself.

It's not a 'narc tendency' to be upset or annoyed that someone else is saying horrible things about you after a break up? (Or at any other time in life).

True narcissists by diagnosis are vanishingly rare. I've worked in mental health for 22 years and I think I've met one, maybe two.

We don’t know how common Narcissistic Personality Disorder is but it could be between 1 to 5% of the population, so not all that rare (of course more people out there have significant narcissistic traits without the full blown disorder). These people are not necessarily going to show up in mental health settings with NPD symptoms as their chief complaint because they wouldn’t usually see this aspect of themselves as a problem, though comorbidities are common - like substance abuse - and the comorbidities could lead someone with NPD to mental health services.

Who is Keith, the psychiatrist? 😂

Of course you had a say in him koving in, it was your house. He may well be self centred but that in itself isn't a narcissist.

Glad you know more than this psychiatric trained person

It’s strange that he would be having this discussion with you in my opinion. I would be looking to see how often he mentions his ex believing he could be a narcissist.

That should be moving in

No we don't know. It 'could be' 1-5% of the population. It could also not be. I worked for a long while specifically with people that have BPD. The whole area is very vague in terms of diagnosis as as you say it's tricky to pin it down by it's very nature.
But ex girlfriend called ex boyfriend a narc after he split up with her isn't usually a reliable marker tbh.

@Throwncrumbs yes-he's an eminent psychiatrist of world renown 😂