What, in your experience, were the earliest red flags for narcissistic behaviours from a man

[ithinkyoureright]

Just that really?
My current boyfriend has been told by his ex, who is angry with him for finishing their relationship after months of discontent, that he is a narcissist.
He had told her that it was his worst fear as he thinks they're the worst type of people. I don't think I know any narcissists , which is why I'm asking.
Thanks.

Narcs don't have attachments. They have supply. They have a girlfriend the same as you have a kettle. That's why they move on and cheat so easily. Is there a pattern of moving quickly from one woman to another/overlapping them?
Narcs and manipulative people use DARVO (deny, accuse, reverse victim and offender) in any conflict. Does he play the victim? They don't take accountability for their actions.
The ex probably isn't 'crazy' (red flag!); perhaps she's having a normal reaction to something he did. I'd ask her and assess everything afterwards.

Whenever anyone on here labels another as a 'narc' or narcissistic, it usually says a lot about how they are trying to skew the view of that person. It's also used as a term to diminish, label or otherwise write off another person, which always makes me wonder what the other side of the story is.

People are frequently bullying, controlling, aggressive and selfish, and can generally just be arseholes but it's highly unlikely they are actually 'narcs'. Just stick to descriptions of their behaviour, no need for psycho babble.

There are posters on the relationship board who constantly trot out the same armchair diagnosis on very scant information from the poster. It's very formulaic and I think can actually exacerbate a situation, especially given the dynamics are likely to be a lot more complex than the poster is letting on.

Narcissist gets bandied about far too much in my opinion, and I’ve noticed that it’s usually by someone with way more narc tendencies than the person they are accusing of it.

Well all I know is that she met up with and kept in constant contact with her exes , that she regularly told him how much all of these exes fancied her and wanted to sleep with her yet refused to show him said messages when he asked to see what they had said. He simply couldn't handle it anymore and if he was chatting to a neighbour, partner of a friend she accused him of liking other women. The whole thing sounded toxic.
In the beginning, when they had just started chatting , she told him that she had sex with an ex at that time and thought that this was perfectly ok as they weren't in a relationship.
It may well be ok but to tell him every day about who came onto her or who text her. It just got too much so eventually he broke up with her when she met an ex for coffee instead of meeting him for lunch.
They had the discussion where he said he was uncomfortable with that level of contact and felt jealous. She continued . That's all I know.

Yes that’s fair.

I don’t know about NPD, but symptoms that could be attributed to BPD can be quite situationally dependent - with a particular combination of people in a relationship, one party can end up with a destabilised sense of self, fearing abandonment and trying anything to avoid it - even when they weren’t like that before or after, because of the triggering factors in that relationship. I don’t know if it can be that on the other side of the table, a person’s narcissistic traits can also be triggered in a relationship with a certain dynamic, but I would guess it’s possible.

Whenever anyone on here labels another as a 'narc' or narcissistic, it usually says a lot about how they are trying to skew the view of that person. It's also used as a term to diminish, label or otherwise write off another person, which always makes me wonder what the other side of the story is.

I don’t know about this. Narcissistic patterns of behaviour are quite specific and if you do genuinely go through a relationship with a narcissist, it’s extremely confusing. Lots of things you believe to be real are not. When you happen upon narcissism as an explanation, it suddenly makes things make sense, and you stop feeling like you could be crazy - though you might still have to leave and grieve for the relationship that was never real in some sense. I wouldn’t want to take this relief away from anyone, even if the narcissist is not likely to be diagnosed. I’m sure the term is often misapplied but I think the awareness is positive and there are many more people out there yet to discover that they are living in this dynamic.

Why the hell is he telling you all this?? That is NOT normal!!

Is that enough of a red flag for you?

Why the hell is he telling you all this?? T

His testing op and her boundaries.
He’s playing victim, look how op is defending him.
He’s got op right where he wants her.

@YouAreNotBatman totally agree. He's testing boundaries, to see whether he can get OP to defend him.

It's not the fact his ex called him a narc that I take anything from, it's the fact he's now telling OP. There's no other reason to do this than to do just what you've described.

I grew up with a full blown narcissistic mother, then followed that pattern until I was 30 with relationships with abusive men. I may be quick to react to any tiny thing, which may or may not be right, but I've found time and time again that small things in the beginning grow into bigger monsters such as abuse and controlling, gaslighting and all the rest.

How is it a red flag to tell your new partner that your ex partner is bad mouthing you?
My ex husband very unpleasantly called me an idiot last week. I told my DH because it upset me. Does that make me a narcissist?

When we first got together I told him the relationship history and what happened in my first marriage (which was that my exh had an affair). He told me what had happened in his marriage. (Which was that his ex wife had an affair). That's perfectly
Normal in a relationship-you discuss your past relationships surely? You find out each others history?

Bizarre that some people think that sharing information with your new partner is a red flag.

I want to know about his relationship history and I ask a lot of questions .
That's very important to me to know what I'm getting into

And you are right and wise to do so OP. If you didn't people would tell you you were being risky 🤷🏽‍♀️

I also think that because I know many of his family and friends , I am getting the truth and if he explains to me reasons for leaving his marriage or finishing a relationship , I will be able to see through his actions especially if he has done something that I think is awful or horrid and he sees nothing wrong with it .

Sounds like you are doing your due diligence to me. Look, you can never fully know if someone is telling the truth about their past, their motivations or their actions.
At some point if you have asked the questions and spoken to friends and family in the course of getting to know someone you just have to decide to take as you find-and trust-and if you are happy and he makes you happy and is treating you well then all to the good.

This first few chapters of this book explain it beautifully

Unless this is one of those open relationships where you are all living together you do not know what went on between the two of them in their relationship

Why do new partners blindly beleive the ex is 'bad' and their new partner is misunderstood?

I don't believe that at all. I am listening to him and watching his actions.
There are three sides to every story. If this is indeed true, why did she feel the need to tell him about all the contac and meeting exes ? Why try to make him jealous. Perhaps he is emotionally unavailable

Perhaps she is a horrible person with a. Huge ego who thrives on trying to make other people jealous? Who knows?

Quick narc test is: do they fly into a rage (silent or vocal) if you disagree with them?
Are their shows of affection glib, generic or 'their speciality' e.g. 'Let me make you my special cocktail/pasta/salad dressing'. It always takes for-fucking-ever, tastes staggeringly ordinary and demands vast amounts of praise and recognition. Every narc I've ever met has a 'signature' something which they never check whether you want.

They find key women in their life tricky - mothers, sisters, exes.

I think its hard to judge at this point but the fact you are here suggests you have some concerns.

Personally, I am always suspicious of the "crazy ex" story. It's weird because while I have met many men who claim to have crazy exes (usually through work etx), I have only met one woman who behaved that way.

If what he is.telling.you is true, then sure, she might be pissed that he's dumped her. But then, bil had a crazy ex when he met sil. We all felt so.desperately sorry for him, especially that she cheated on him... but you guessed it, 15 years later and he will tell anyone who will listen how crazy sil is and that she was cheating on him their entire relationship!

Narcissists don’t see anything wrong with their behaviour.
To me his comments are red flags - he isn’t taking responsibility for his part in a break up.
He has paved the way so that you can’t call out behaviour that is narc like without him comparing you to his ex. Most normal people don’t have crazy exes or at least don’t want to discuss them if they do.
oversharing, love bombing are all signs but the main feeling is it’s a rollercoaster the good times are good - lots of compliments and then a low where they suck all your emotions out of you.

Good signs of narcs are

A) the crazy ex (why?)
B) moving very fast with declaring love
C) extravagant gestures of romance, early on
D) sulking
E) wanting to move in very quickly after meeting

All of these are super odd because this person can't really know you. What it says that they love what you will provide and can do for them. It's nothing to do with you as a person.

Whilst I agree that 'Narc' is the insult du jour atm & diagnostically it is vanishingly rare, having traits of narcissism isn't vanishingly rare.

Traits: I would say: Initial Lovebombing. Followed by Discard. Rinse & repeat but each time you are more at fault Being unable to tolerate any perceived criticism. Refusal to take responsibility for things. Triangulation with other people / things. Being unwilling (not unable in an ASD-type fashion but unwilling) to put yourself in anyone else's shoes. Playing the hero/victim. Attention seeking. Ruthlessness.

Red flags I have experienced, which I didn't realise were red flags until too late:

Getting into a relationship with me immediately upon breaking up with the ex

Having a 'crazy ex' who I heard A LOT about

Intense interest in my sexual past and pressuring me to share in great detail

Lovebombing, turning up frequently and randomly in places I would be, putting me on a pedestal, attributing skills/traits/intentions to me which he approved of and which I didn't actually have

Treating his mum badly

Frequently getting into arguments with others, and it never being his fault

Moving in very quickly, in circumstances which made me feel like I had no choice (by engaging my sympathy and making me feel like I had to look after him - a grown man)

Telling me about all of his flaws