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Relationships

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Original poster

What, in your experience, were the earliest red flags for narcissistic behaviours from a man

87 replies

ithinkyoureright · 01/07/2023 08:27

Just that really?
My current boyfriend has been told by his ex, who is angry with him for finishing their relationship after months of discontent, that he is a narcissist.
He had told her that it was his worst fear as he thinks they're the worst type of people. I don't think I know any narcissists , which is why I'm asking.
Thanks.

OP posts:

Anxioys · 01/07/2023 11:40

Yes the other one is sob stories - you understand him so well but others have been so cruel.

That one is reddest of flags

Original poster

ithinkyoureright · 01/07/2023 11:42

Think I was married to that man @BewareTheBeardedDragon

OP posts:

samqueens · 01/07/2023 12:03

Saying “I was worried she might say this, and I’m so hurt, as I think narcissists are the worst of the worst” 🚩🤣🚩(not much subtlety there!)

I would also be concerned about this

“an ex who has been in control for so long , crossing basic boundaries of a relationship , will be angry when it back fires”

Has he told you his ex was controlling?! 🚩🚩

being a people pleaser 🚩(especially if he cares an awful lot about how he is perceived by others - eventually you’ll become a “sure thing” and he won’t care about how you perceive him, only how others do)

keeping you at a distance from other people in his life 🚩(means he can triangulate relationships and your perception of situations to his advantage)

I appreciate, as others have said, that have narcissistic personality disorder is one thing, but there’s a world of shitty behaviour and hurt someone can cause you while displaying traits associated with narcissism but without having a diagnosable condition.

if you have any concerns whatsoever I suggest you read the Lundy Bancroft book Why Does He Do That? (Download on kindle app, read discreetly and don’t tell him about it). This will help you know what to look for as time goes on. Also agree that getting an account from the ex directly could be of value to you. Did you know him before they broke up by any chance?

Howdoyouknowwhitney · 01/07/2023 12:04

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

samqueens · 01/07/2023 12:15

ithinkyoureright · 01/07/2023 09:24

Well all I know is that she met up with and kept in constant contact with her exes , that she regularly told him how much all of these exes fancied her and wanted to sleep with her yet refused to show him said messages when he asked to see what they had said. He simply couldn't handle it anymore and if he was chatting to a neighbour, partner of a friend she accused him of liking other women. The whole thing sounded toxic.
In the beginning, when they had just started chatting , she told him that she had sex with an ex at that time and thought that this was perfectly ok as they weren't in a relationship.
It may well be ok but to tell him every day about who came onto her or who text her. It just got too much so eventually he broke up with her when she met an ex for coffee instead of meeting him for lunch.
They had the discussion where he said he was uncomfortable with that level of contact and felt jealous. She continued . That's all I know.

Just FYI - this isn’t stuff you know it’s stuff he has told you… perhaps it’s true but, if it is, does it say something great about him and his self esteem/boundaries that he would stay in a relationship like this for any length of time.

it’s also possible to be emotionally abusive in multiple ways to your gf and for your friend and family to have no idea about it… if no-one except his ex has a single bad word to say about him that would be a bit of a 🚩 to me. I mean, who wouldn’t love to be that perfect - but it would suggest there’s a lot of performative behaviour going on in public and that doesn’t always reflect what goes on behind closed doors.

YouAreNotBatman · 01/07/2023 12:31

ithinkyoureright · 01/07/2023 11:06

I don't believe that at all. I am listening to him and watching his actions.
There are three sides to every story. If this is indeed true, why did she feel the need to tell him about all the contac and meeting exes ? Why try to make him jealous. Perhaps he is emotionally unavailable

You mean what he told you about her telling about these exes.
You don’t know that actually happened…

NotNowGertrude · 01/07/2023 12:39

Problem is you're hearing about her & what she did through him. How do you know that's true?

People always trot out the stats of narcs but I wonder what the % of men on dating apps over the age of 40 are narcs? I think it would be higher than 5%

NotNowGertrude · 01/07/2023 12:40

An early sign I had was a need to be seen as a good guy, helping out in the community, coming across as too nice

It was an act

Buildingthefuture · 01/07/2023 13:39

I do not think it strange that he is telling you his relationship history. It’s normal to discuss aspects of your past. But, you are only getting his side. None of us are perfect and most of us struggle to admit or even see our true faults and issues. You can only go on his behaviour. So, watch and see. It’s early days, see if his actions match his words and if they don’t….leave.

Pinkbonbon · 01/07/2023 13:46

YouAreNotBatman · 01/07/2023 08:38

What his doing and telling you right now is a good and strong sign of one.

This.

'My ex says I'm a narcissist'

Seen it twice from two different narcissists.

They are telling you who they are and looking for your reaction. They want you to say you don't believe their ex. They then know they gave you fooled.

Other things they may say are 'I think I'm a narcissist'. Or even 'my ex says I hit her' to judge if you have self preservation or not.

There's few things a person could say to make me think immediately that they are a narcissist and run for the hills. But bringing up 'narcissist' early on - red flag. And saying their ex calls them one - fucking ruuuuuun!

ComeTheFckOnBridget · 01/07/2023 13:52

lastminutewednesday · 01/07/2023 08:35

Is she in any way a qualified psychiatrist? Because if not I'd suggest she Keith be wrong. True narcissists by diagnosis are vanishingly rare. I've worked in mental health for 22 years and I think I've met one, maybe two.

It's an over used term now often used by people
Who feel wronged in some way. It's become a catch all to describe people who are considered selfish and bullish and who twist situations to their own end and who lie. People that fabricate situations and remember them differently to how they actually happened always painting themselves as either victim or hero (or both). They are often said to recruit other people to be on their side and who will also act to denigrate their Victim.
But that could probably be applied to lots of people and is often levelled at others by people that have had their feelings hurt, say in a break up situation. So I would take it with a pinch of salt unless you have concerns about him yourself?

There are usually three sides to every break up aren't there? His, hers and the truth probably somewhere in the middle. Take as you find is my advice.

Finally someone talks some sense

Pinkbonbon · 01/07/2023 13:53

Also I know you've said you've asked him q lit of questions bit how would you feel if you split with him a few years down the line and he's telling the new woman, whom he's known all of a few months, everything about your relationship? Perhaps talking about you the way he speaks about his ex. Remember, she'll only be getting his side of the story then too.

Sure, his ex could be a narcissist hense her calling him one. They like to project. OR she could just be angry at the break up hense calling him one. But if he just volunteered that 'hey, my ex says I'm a narcissist' making you feel the need to reassure him otherwise...girl, run.

windytree78 · 01/07/2023 14:07

I have been this woman. A six month relationship that was the most intense I've known, sexually, intimate conversation, seeing each other a lot and going on numerous expensive and amazing holidays together. When it was good it was unbelievable and he would do the most wonderful and things and have huge energy and go to lengths that no one else ever had. After a miserable marriage I fell hook line and sinker. And then when I told him how I felt (after he named the relationship and deleted apps) it was like a switch, and I could feel the shutters come down. And I started to panic. The anxiety with his inconsistency was overwhelming and I couldn't handle it. He dumped me two days after a trip of a lifetime and it started a cycle of toxicity that I couldn't handle and regret. We carried on - seeing other people and he was away a lot: but where I wanted clarity and honesty he just wanted to know nothing and give nothing. It was awful. I didn't know where I stood and yet he continued to lie about things and the cruelty of it was torture and I had a very tough few months on top of personal issues that made it all worse. But even then he refused to see me after ending itz, blocking me and treating me like shit. But would then be in contact and cut it off when he was too busy. My mental health plummeted. It was awful. He called his exes crazy and I have no doubt I was too. And I was - I couldn't handle the pain or rejection or anything. I've had to go through some awful personal things and being ND - the grief and feelings just don't go away easily. I wish I had protected myself better.

MrsKeats · 01/07/2023 14:19

Love bombing.

baggiesmalls · 01/07/2023 14:27

Lack of empathy is a big one .

My ex told me he had zero empathy. Well I didnt believe that anyone could have ZERO empathy.

How wrong I was .

Also cruelty or a cruel streak
Self centred
Haughty
Takes the piss /teases but not in a nice or fun way
Comments on appearances (yours and others )
Always looking looking at themselves or showing you their body for admiration
Rewrite's history
Passive aggressive (my ex changed his will to get revenge after a row and didn't tell me for a year )
Thinks their more intelligent than anyone else
Puts others down and enjoys it

Those are a few I've experienced.

unsync · 01/07/2023 14:57

My Women's Aid course taught that it is very common that men who are abusive in some way will call their ex angry and crazy, and that you will believe them, because the likelihood is that they are charming and will lovebomb you at the start of the relationship.

My ex was incapable of accepting responsibility, anything that went wrong or didn't go his way was always someone else's fault. One of his favourite phrases was "I don't know if it's them or me but ...). I always reassured him it was them, but looking back, it was actually him.

He used to call his ex mad and unreasonable. I am sure he refers to me that way too. He's a cunt though so I would expect no less. His new partner is an arch manipulator, it is the perfect match. 😁

2022NewTimes · 01/07/2023 14:58

Try saying no to him and see how he reacts....That for me is the biggest red flag.... They cannot stand anyone disagreeing with them or having a different opinion

Tiny2018 · 01/07/2023 15:02

What lastminutewednesday said, with bells on.

OldBeller · 01/07/2023 16:43

If you're not sure about this previous relationship, casually ask him about other relationships he's had in his life.

If he's always been the victim, bad mouths them, calls them crazy, makes out like they were sexually deviant or couldn't stop trying to get attention from other men, can take no accountability for his part in the end of the relationship, and especially if he tells you about how different you are to any of them and how you're so special and he's never known a woman as wonderful as you - be very, very wary.

ADHDGURL · 02/07/2023 23:24

Over possessiveness which may seem sweet and caring but is a red flag
Subtle hints about how you should dress/look
Putting down your friends/family
Over emphasising his importance to you
Love bombing- telling you its the most special relationship, you are the most special, its him.amd you against the world..
Your own sense that something isn't quite right.
If you feel he is a narc ..and you have doubts pull away and get some distance to protect yourself. This will not go down well.. but if he isn't a narc with an agenda he should allow you space to regroup.
They are v clever, stay well OP

Original poster

ithinkyoureright · 02/07/2023 23:27

I feel none of these things!

OP posts:

BlastedPimples · 02/07/2023 23:37

Has he told you he loves you?

Has he bought you loads of gifts?

AutumnCrow · 02/07/2023 23:51

@windytree78 How are you doing now?

KatherineSwynford1403 · 03/07/2023 00:10

Humanswarm · 01/07/2023 08:38

Earliest signs? Lovebombing..so, expressing very strong feelings very early on. Making grand gestures, ie asking to move in too soon etc.
Narcissism is a term thrown around a lot though. Particularly by disgruntled exes.
However a narcissistic person will be wholly self centred. They will manipulate, gaslight, and often have many different 'faces', depending on whom they are around. Often, you won't spot the signs immediately. And then it can be very difficult to extract yourself from the relationship.

Telling me he was in love after three dates. Planning a weekend away (grand gesture) but then couldn't afford it. Telling me his ex was desperate to get him back and I had to step up. Proposing after three weeks (then ex wanted him back, of course). Telling me "I'm SO HAPPY". Then ...

Stopping me seeing friends. Stopping going on dates as we had to save up to get married. Yelling and shouting at me. Then ...

Crying when I walked out. Following me round in the car and crying about our future children that I was walking out on, too.

Original poster

ithinkyoureright · 03/07/2023 00:13

Absolutely not!
He feels guilty for
Finish the relationship and has apologised loads of times . He understands thallt she wanted to move in and kind of did but was never discussed . His issue . She wanted to sell her house to move in together but then
Admitted it was owned by a vulture fund so
Naturally he was a bit upset
By the lie .
They were at very different stages of wants and needs. Understand completely where she was at and what she wanted . They just wanted different things entirely .

OP posts:

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