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Original poster

I need to learn to bite my tongue ...

99 replies

Wysiwyg55 · 30/06/2023 23:36

I'm hopefully going to give a balanced view of what happened this evening between me and my dh. And would like advice from those who don't know us.
11 years together 8 married mid 50s . currently planning our retirement in a few months time.
DH had a night planned out with friends tonight.
Started off as two then four, meal and found out also live band.
I could feel me feeling resentful, insecure and jealous because he has such a solid group of good friends and when he goes out has a bloody good time and loves live music.
I gave a lift into town and instead of saying have a great night and see you later. I asked him why he hadn't just said from day one that there was a group of them going out for a meal and to see a band rather than me have to ask questions.
He got cross, said I didn't trust him and I'd ruined the evening for him and his mates.
When I stopped at junction he got out and walked into town.
I sent him a text to say I'd been a bit of tw@t saying what I did. He just replied - you're a b1tch!
That just knocked me sideways.
I said collect him if he wanted and if not would leave a key out.
his reply was - I want to be on my own.
I'm dreading tomorrow morning ...
should I be - feel sick to the stomach

OP posts:
MortgageConundrum · 01/07/2023 00:01

I’d lock the front door and let him sleep in the garden.

loveacuddle1 · 01/07/2023 00:06

Oooh he shouldn’t have called you a bitch!
and you shouldn’t have called yourself a tw@t. You need to think more of yourself.

savethatkitty · 01/07/2023 00:09

Sounds like poor communication on both ends.

He's allowed to go out & have a good time with friends. It's not his fault you get jealous.

You are allowed to ask the very reasonable question about his plans. You haven't ruined his evening!

LaBefana · 01/07/2023 00:10

You feel insecure because he sees a live band? You sound like the loony in this story.

vivaespanaole · 01/07/2023 00:11

I disagree. I don't think its about biting your tongue. Its about actually digging into and resolving the feelings you mentioned regarding your DHS social life or your lack of one and moving through it so you feel happier and conversations around nights out are less tense and you genuinely wish him a nice time without strings.

Seebit · 01/07/2023 00:11

To be honest I think you sparked this with your own insecurities and jealousy. He shouldn’t be calling you that but I can see why he said you have ruined his night. Most people wouldn’t have said what you did.

Devastateddaughter · 01/07/2023 00:12

He shouldn't have called you a bitch , that's awful but you say you feel resentful and jealous about him having so many friends, do you think maybe this shows through when he goes out? Does the jealousy make you question him a bit more than is normal?

Original poster
Wysiwyg55 · 01/07/2023 00:16

Yes ... it is my insecurities, me doubting myself .😔

OP posts:
Original poster
Wysiwyg55 · 01/07/2023 00:17

Putting it like that yes ... I'm not a loony though just insecure

OP posts:
sammylady37 · 01/07/2023 00:20

It does sound like you deliberately whinged at him and made an issue out of nothing, all because of your own insecurities and issues. And it did put a dampener on his night. I don’t blame him not wanting to come home to that, I wouldn’t want to.

sammylady37 · 01/07/2023 00:21

Wysiwyg55 · 01/07/2023 00:17

Putting it like that yes ... I'm not a loony though just insecure

I’ve seen many people hide behind ‘insecurities’ and ‘trust issues’ as a way to justify quite controlling behaviour. You need to work kn these issues yourself.

suburbophobe · 01/07/2023 00:22

Well, I wouldn't be impressed with a man who accuses me of "ruining the evening for him AND HIS FRIENDS"!!

Drama lama.

Does he often undermine you like that OP?
That could be where your insecurity comes from.

Bibonelove · 01/07/2023 00:24

His reaction was an over reaction , we can all feel a lil insecure at times ❤

Original poster
Wysiwyg55 · 01/07/2023 00:25

Thank you for all your honest replies.
So yup have been an absolute idiot - looks like retirement might not be together. He is better off on his own 😔 I've got too many insecurities ...

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 01/07/2023 00:26

Is it a pattern where he goes and has fun and leaves you at home? Do you ever want to go with him/get an invitation?

johnnydeppsslipper · 01/07/2023 00:26

Maybe this happens every time he goes out with his group of friends which is why his fuse was abit shorter when you started to question him and whinge at home about his night out Hmm

If this was the other way round a guy would be getting some abuse on here saying he's controlling and saying he's insecure as an excuse

HawdMeBack · 01/07/2023 00:27

sammylady37 · 01/07/2023 00:21

I’ve seen many people hide behind ‘insecurities’ and ‘trust issues’ as a way to justify quite controlling behaviour. You need to work kn these issues yourself.

Show quote history

It's not 'hiding behind' insecurities, those o securities are the cause of the controlling behaviour. That's not an excuse but it is the reason. I agree, you need to work on your insecurities as they are damaging to your relationship.

Original poster
Wysiwyg55 · 01/07/2023 00:35

vivaespanaole · 01/07/2023 00:11

I disagree. I don't think its about biting your tongue. Its about actually digging into and resolving the feelings you mentioned regarding your DHS social life or your lack of one and moving through it so you feel happier and conversations around nights out are less tense and you genuinely wish him a nice time without strings.

Yup - agree ...

OP posts:
Original poster
Wysiwyg55 · 01/07/2023 00:40

sammylady37 · 01/07/2023 00:21

I’ve seen many people hide behind ‘insecurities’ and ‘trust issues’ as a way to justify quite controlling behaviour. You need to work kn these issues yourself.

Show quote history

No .. I'm not controlling ... but if that's how I come across to him and to people I do t know them that is worrying and I need to sort because I certainly don't want to be like that or seen like that .

OP posts:
Original poster
Wysiwyg55 · 01/07/2023 00:43

Seebit · 01/07/2023 00:11

To be honest I think you sparked this with your own insecurities and jealousy. He shouldn’t be calling you that but I can see why he said you have ruined his night. Most people wouldn’t have said what you did.

I know ... I'm cross at myself ... which is why I should have bitten my tongue ... no going back now and no amount of apologising or talking over will sort ... he wants a calm life ..,

OP posts:
humus · 01/07/2023 00:44

why hasn’t he invited you to join?

Original poster
Wysiwyg55 · 01/07/2023 00:46

johnnydeppsslipper · 01/07/2023 00:26

Maybe this happens every time he goes out with his group of friends which is why his fuse was abit shorter when you started to question him and whinge at home about his night out Hmm

If this was the other way round a guy would be getting some abuse on here saying he's controlling and saying he's insecure as an excuse

Fair comment .... thank you for putting a different spin .and your honesty

OP posts:
SD1978 · 01/07/2023 01:21

You aimed for a fight just as he was meeting up with friends, at the last minute, knowing it would put a dampener on his evening, because he has friends to go out with and you don't. You aimed to put a dampener on the evening, and succeeded. There was no reason to bring it up in the car, at all. He shouldn't have called you a bitch. That was also unnecessary, but I don't know why you had to cause a fight in the first place

NeedleFeltedFox · 01/07/2023 01:26

It does sound like you deliberately tried to pick a fight right as he was going out. Not ok for you to do that

Coyoacan · 01/07/2023 01:32

Are you upset because he doesn't invite you or because he has a life and you feel you don't?

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