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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I need to learn to bite my tongue ...

99 replies

Wysiwyg55 · 30/06/2023 23:36

I'm hopefully going to give a balanced view of what happened this evening between me and my dh. And would like advice from those who don't know us.
11 years together 8 married mid 50s . currently planning our retirement in a few months time.
DH had a night planned out with friends tonight.
Started off as two then four, meal and found out also live band.
I could feel me feeling resentful, insecure and jealous because he has such a solid group of good friends and when he goes out has a bloody good time and loves live music.
I gave a lift into town and instead of saying have a great night and see you later. I asked him why he hadn't just said from day one that there was a group of them going out for a meal and to see a band rather than me have to ask questions.
He got cross, said I didn't trust him and I'd ruined the evening for him and his mates.
When I stopped at junction he got out and walked into town.
I sent him a text to say I'd been a bit of tw@t saying what I did. He just replied - you're a b1tch!
That just knocked me sideways.
I said collect him if he wanted and if not would leave a key out.
his reply was - I want to be on my own.
I'm dreading tomorrow morning ...
should I be - feel sick to the stomach

OP posts:
johnnydeppsslipper · 01/07/2023 01:56

A family member of mine (f) tends to make noises when her dh does sociable things with his friends (both retired)

He has an active social life and that was their retirement plan as they're still youngish and fit however she's never joined any groups or made the effort to meet up with friends etc so I think she resents that he's doing things without her.

We've talked about it in the past when she's moaned he's going out with friends and I've shockingly said her situation is her own doing or lack of doing and she shouldn't be making him feel bad or ruining his time out because she's bored or insecure about stuff.

What is it that your insecure about op?

Original poster
Wysiwyg55 · 01/07/2023 02:11

SD1978 · 01/07/2023 01:21

You aimed for a fight just as he was meeting up with friends, at the last minute, knowing it would put a dampener on his evening, because he has friends to go out with and you don't. You aimed to put a dampener on the evening, and succeeded. There was no reason to bring it up in the car, at all. He shouldn't have called you a bitch. That was also unnecessary, but I don't know why you had to cause a fight in the first place

yes I agree .... just destructive hurtful behaviour ... I I regret hurting him and upsetting him ... need to sort myself out ... need to not be spiteful. Thank you your candid comment

OP posts:
Original poster
Wysiwyg55 · 01/07/2023 02:33

johnnydeppsslipper · 01/07/2023 01:56

A family member of mine (f) tends to make noises when her dh does sociable things with his friends (both retired)

He has an active social life and that was their retirement plan as they're still youngish and fit however she's never joined any groups or made the effort to meet up with friends etc so I think she resents that he's doing things without her.

We've talked about it in the past when she's moaned he's going out with friends and I've shockingly said her situation is her own doing or lack of doing and she shouldn't be making him feel bad or ruining his time out because she's bored or insecure about stuff.

What is it that your insecure about op?

You've just described us.
I don't moan to anyone about him going out is the only difference .. I don't moan about him at all. It's all internalised.
I do do stuff and am part of groups. I have close friends but most live away or do stuff with their partners.
the frequency of him going out has increased over the last few months
and in July 2 out four weekend are out with friends and he's booked a two week holiday with his best mate for August.
we used to love dancing together - it was our thing but my suggestions to start up again and go to the socials are met by him being too tired .. so I've stopped asking.
we used to do a date night once a month so we made time for each - but that has dwindled.
If we plan anything as a couple it's me who arranges.
I love music partying and dancing as much as he does .. enjoy a drink or three but even one glass of wine makes me squiffy these days!
we also like the peace of camping which again it's me who's booked though we've decided on together.
as for insecurities .. who knows but just would love to be self assured and at peace with me and who I am without needing affirmation from someone else - be that dh family friends colleagues ..

OP posts:
Tophy124 · 01/07/2023 03:21

He sounds a right asshole. If I asked my husband that he would have said oh I didn’t think to tell you all the info, sorry. He also wouldn’t have stormed off or called me a bitch.

Why allow yourself to be treated like this? And why call yourself names and allow him to? He sounds a drama llama and over the top. You didn’t ‘ruin his night’ asking a question and his reaction is disproportional.

Your replies and how you text him offering a lift after he swore at you make you sound a doormat and I suspect it’s why he speaks to you so rudely. Get a backbone, don’t allow him to speak to you like that and next time he’s off out don’t spend your evening pandering to him and giving lifts but do something you want to do! Even if it’s staying home with takeaway and a movie. Stop planning your life around this guy and see how much better it gets when you put yourself forward.

Tophy124 · 01/07/2023 03:23

Also sounds Like he makes no effort with you but has time for friends and that’s why you’re really frustrated. I would be too. The issue is him!! I’d stop making any effort with him honestly and definitely stop the lifts or blaming yourself for any disagreements, he’s way over the top. My dad went like this and my mum is so much happier now they are divorced!! She feels a lot better without a mopey man who never prioritized her dragging her down and she finally is doing things for herself and not worrying about a man!

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 01/07/2023 03:24

Wysiwyg55 · 01/07/2023 00:17

Putting it like that yes ... I'm not a loony though just insecure

But that is not his issue to solve! Why burden him with it and squelch his good time?

Get a counselor or read some self-help books.

ButterflyOil · 01/07/2023 03:53

Sounds to me from your updates like he prefers socialising without you and you are not high on his priority list - maybe he isn’t keen on those types of activities anymore. Maybe you have grown apart. I do think you are insecure and controlling yes but it also seems like you are both really immature communicators. The sniping as you drive him and him getting out to walk and nasty text messages are the sort of behaviour i’d expect from teens in all honesty not people in their 50s.

Maybe once things have calmed a bit from tonight it could be worth having a conversation about what he wants out of your social time together (if anything) and maybe even some couples counselling to work on your communication with each other?

EllaRaines · 01/07/2023 04:04

Your he's obviously had enough of your jealousy.

He should t have called you a bitch but quite frankly you were acting like one!

You need to sit down and speak to each other about why you feel insecure and jealous.

He just sounds like a normal bloke going out with his mates and not on the pull.

Unless you recognise your jealousy is the problem and take steps to get it under control you are going to make your own life a misery as well as his, until he decides he's had enough and goes.

Codlingmoths · 01/07/2023 04:13

we used to love dancing together - it was our thing but my suggestions to start up again and go to the socials are met by him being too tired .. so I've stopped asking.
we used to do a date night once a month so we made time for each - but that has dwindled.
If we plan anything as a couple it's me who arranges.
anybody would be insecure op, he doesn’t care about you that much. Stop doing things for him, stop booking things for the two of you. You’re obviously insecure as he’s obviously focussing all his energy on friends and rejecting you, there’s nothing wrong with you!! Is there anything you can book with just you or friends? Any distant cities friends live in you can go to- book an Airbnb and arrange a dinner with them? I don’t think he’s worth the time and emotion you are spending on him. Lock the door, go to sleep. Tomorrow is a new day, wake up, think fuck him, and find something for you. Cancel the camping or go on your own?

CherryLipgloss · 01/07/2023 04:22

I'm not a jealous person at all, but I would be gutted if my DH chose to go on holiday for 2 weeks with his best mate rather than with me. (Unless you're having a separate holiday together as well?) I think maybe you're feeling insecure because he's not prioritising your relationship?

Coyoacan · 01/07/2023 04:39

Unfortunately it looks like your dh is taking you for granted nowadays.

I think you need to stop putting yourself down so much OP.

I wish I could suggest a magic solution for the rest, but you seem to have internalised a devalued image of yourself, which isn't doing you any good whatsoever.

GreyCarpet · 01/07/2023 06:53

NeedleFeltedFox · 01/07/2023 01:26

It does sound like you deliberately tried to pick a fight right as he was going out. Not ok for you to do that

This.

If someone did that to me, Iight he inclined to call them an unpleasant name too.

I'm not sure why there was the emphasis on there also being a live band in the OP too.

What does it matter if it was a quiet meal with one or two friends or a bigger night with a group of friends and a band?

What is the insecurity, OP? That he might not be faithful? That he might have nore fun without you?

OrbandSpectacle · 01/07/2023 07:24

Reading your updates, I don't think he likes you much. Maybe he finds you handy for domestic stuff, but not for having fun with.

Time to make plans for your own life.

Original poster
Wysiwyg55 · 01/07/2023 07:26

Not much sleep had. Reading back over it's clear that we have stuff to sort between us but we're on different paths. ... what we had is no longer there: probably down to as, several have said me being controlling jealous and insecure - him being fed up with it all so no wonder he doesn't wants to spend time with me.
Counselling as a couple won't even be on the cards, he won't want it .. counselling for me? I'd do if it helped strengthen the relationship. But sadly this marriage, has run its course and we won't grow old together as we both thought we would . 😔 thank you for taking the time to post.

OP posts:
Wallywobbles · 01/07/2023 07:30

Wysiwyg55 · 01/07/2023 00:25

Thank you for all your honest replies.
So yup have been an absolute idiot - looks like retirement might not be together. He is better off on his own 😔 I've got too many insecurities ...

Not that's a self pity party.

Sort it out self pity is a pointless self-absorbed waste of time. Sorry that's harsh but honestly do a lot of work on yourself and find some friends.

crossstitchingnana · 01/07/2023 07:34

You did not "ruin his night" he possibly did with his mood. He overreacted IMO.

Callyem · 01/07/2023 07:40

This was caused by you, he did nothing wrong until the bitch comment, which isn't actually that bad after the provocation. I don't understand why a night out with his friends would bother you.

VaddaABeetch · 01/07/2023 07:44

you probably shouldn’t have quizzed him but he was dramatic & unkind calling you a bitch.

I’d go out for a long walk this morning. It’ll stop you ruminating & blow away the cobwebs.

You need to get new interests, new friends.

AMuser · 01/07/2023 07:45

Wysiwyg55 · 01/07/2023 00:25

Thank you for all your honest replies.
So yup have been an absolute idiot - looks like retirement might not be together. He is better off on his own 😔 I've got too many insecurities ...

Also this type of statement - on the surface quite self-flagellating is also quite manipulative and designed to try and garner pity.

If you make those kind of statements to him, he’d be right to get really hacked off tbh. Though I can imagine that this does stem from insecurity etc.

NoSquirrels · 01/07/2023 07:48

I think you’ve had a hard time on this thread and if you’d explained about how much time he spends out with friends, and the 2-week break with his best mate whilst not planning anything with you, you’d have had more sympathy.

You sound extraordinarily hard on yourself and very willing to blame yourself.

I think the crux of last night was that you’d have liked to be invited if there was a group going - you were OK when he was meeting one friend but when it became an ‘everyone invited (except you)’ night out it highlighted what’s happening in your relationship.

I doubt it’s you who’s all to blame.

If he wants to fix the relationship it could be done, you don’t have to cut and run. But you’d both need to be willing.

honeypancake · 01/07/2023 07:48

Did he react like that to anything in the past or said similar things? He was rightly annoyed by your comment and yes both the controlling behaviour and insecurities but likewise he also overreacted . If it is a one off, he probably said those things to you out of anger, he will still have a fun night out and will probably come back and be equally sorry for his words. If your relationship is generally good together I would just advise working on yourself and learn from this. Don't be too harsh on yourself, I don't see that as a dealbreaker to marriage.

NoSquirrels · 01/07/2023 07:52

Callyem · 01/07/2023 07:40

This was caused by you, he did nothing wrong until the bitch comment, which isn't actually that bad after the provocation. I don't understand why a night out with his friends would bother you.

Well, if my DH called me a bitch when I apologised for a pretty minor moan I’d had, whilst driving him somewhere and offering a lift home later too, I’d consider it extremely bad. ‘Not that bad after provocation’ is some proper low standards and victim-blaming in my opinion.

Fairislefandango · 01/07/2023 07:55

But sadly this marriage, has run its course and we won't grow old together as we both thought we would.

No, that's not necessarily true unless you want it to be. Why be so defeatist and let things go down the drain when you can actually do something about it? Talk to him. Explain that you know it's your own insecurities making you feel like this, and say you're sorry and that you're working on it. Say you'd like to do more things together but feel like you're the only one trying to make that happen. See what he says.

TheoTheopolis23 · 01/07/2023 07:57

I do do stuff and am part of groups. I have close friends but most live away or do stuff with their partners.
the frequency of him going out has increased over the last few months
and in July 2 out four weekend are out with friends and he's booked a two week holiday with his best mate for August.
we used to love dancing together - it was our thing but my suggestions to start up again and go to the socials are met by him being too tired .. so I've stopped asking.
we used to do a date night once a month so we made time for each - but that has dwindled.
If we plan anything as a couple it's me who arranges

When you filled in this background, I saw things very differently indeed.

Ok don't think his behaviour is fair or balanced.