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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I need to learn to bite my tongue ...

99 replies

Wysiwyg55 · 30/06/2023 23:36

I'm hopefully going to give a balanced view of what happened this evening between me and my dh. And would like advice from those who don't know us.
11 years together 8 married mid 50s . currently planning our retirement in a few months time.
DH had a night planned out with friends tonight.
Started off as two then four, meal and found out also live band.
I could feel me feeling resentful, insecure and jealous because he has such a solid group of good friends and when he goes out has a bloody good time and loves live music.
I gave a lift into town and instead of saying have a great night and see you later. I asked him why he hadn't just said from day one that there was a group of them going out for a meal and to see a band rather than me have to ask questions.
He got cross, said I didn't trust him and I'd ruined the evening for him and his mates.
When I stopped at junction he got out and walked into town.
I sent him a text to say I'd been a bit of tw@t saying what I did. He just replied - you're a b1tch!
That just knocked me sideways.
I said collect him if he wanted and if not would leave a key out.
his reply was - I want to be on my own.
I'm dreading tomorrow morning ...
should I be - feel sick to the stomach

OP posts:

Original poster

Wysiwyg55 · 01/07/2023 09:34

NoPrivateSpy · 01/07/2023 09:12

Oh, OP. Not sure anyone can make a judgement based off this one incident.

It sounds like there has been a build up of resentment on both your parts over some time.

Not sure you've answered why you're not invited? If it's because you don't want to go or he's asked you in the past and you have shown no interest, then I do think it's wrong to upset his night out in the way you did.

However if he rarely asks you along and you feel pretty much left out of his life, then it was only a matter of time before you cottoned on and tried to tackle it. Even if you didn't do it in the best way.

Which one is it?

He tends to go out with blokes only - friends all who live in the same town and he's known since a teenager. which is fine just the increase in frequency and the fact that we are doing less and less together.
mixed bunch with lots of different relationship combinations between them! So we don't do much with friends of his who are in couples.

one of the friends who dh is going away with for an overnight boys stay has been asking us to go away with him and his wife .. my dh keeps on laughing off the invitation which was first made last year!

I love going out and I love going out with my dh - I also like nights out with the girls. I'm not a party pooper when out and love the sociability ...

just the increased frequency of him now making plans do to things with others and not me.
We've got kayaks. With the weather being as it has I've mentioned about getting them out and he's been non commital.
last week he had a day off and went kayaking with his mate.

OP posts:

IheardYouButDontWantToAnswer · 01/07/2023 09:37

You seriously need to deal with your insecurities. You're in your 50s and get jealous when he's out with friends? Get some decent mates of your own, develop yourself and go out more.

OrbandSpectacle · 01/07/2023 09:39

It just gets worse! he wants to act like a single man with all the going out without you, with you safely in the background to facilitate his homelife, a bit like having a doting mum.

St0nehenge · 01/07/2023 09:44

What did you really want to say when you made the dig? Passive communication is frustrating. But then, I know, it takes bravery to be honest about what you want if you're met with a shut down or a minimisation/diminishment of your expression of emotion.

If you said to him ''you're out a lot without me. I know they're your friends but it hurts that I'm so rarely included. It makes me feel excluded''. Would he listen or would he instantly give you a version of ''that's your problem!!''

Susieb2023 · 01/07/2023 09:46

@Wysiwyg55 your updates just paint a picture of you as very unhappy. Him so dismissive of spending time with you.

Has this always been the case or is this (as I suspect) a real shift in his behaviour towards you?

Has he spoken to you this morning?

St0nehenge · 01/07/2023 09:47

Ah right, they were all blokes I get it.

I think try and shift your communication style. As a poster upthread said, dig in to how you feel. Do you feel low on his list of priorities? Do you feel that if he has free time, he'd rather spend it with anybody but you?

If that's how you feel, is it the truth or is it insecurity? or a mixture.

St0nehenge · 01/07/2023 09:50

''one of the friends who dh is going away with for an overnight boys stay has been asking us to go away with him and his wife .. my dh keeps on laughing off the invitation which was first made last year!''

That is hurtful. He could incorporate you in to the group a bit more and yet he is determined no to. I think some of your ''insecurities'' are based on the fact that he is keeping his worlds separate, which is fine, but when your world together is just a pit stop and all of his fun, socialising and free time is with the other world and he's determined not to bring you in to it, even when other members of that group are literally inviting you in, then it's hurtful.

Tg2023 · 01/07/2023 09:53

I don't think you are jealous or insecure actually op!
The fact he's not to tired for nights out or holidays with friends; yet too tired for anything with his wife speaks volumes.
You're entitled to ask about his nights out, why did he feel the need to hide the fact it was a group night out & live gig? Withholding information is the same as lying realistically.
Why weren't you invited to a group meal & live gig?
He sounds like a twat! Keeping you round for the domestic side of things while everyone else gets his best side, fuck that!

DRS1970 · 01/07/2023 09:59

I think he overreacted a bit in the first place. You only asked a question. You have already apologised, even though you didn't need to. I think he now needs to resolve the situation and apologise.

Nanna50 · 01/07/2023 10:04

Resentment is a killer and sniping at each other becomes so destructive. It’s chicken and egg, what came first your insecurity or his distancing himself?

His reaction, as a one off, is well out of order but if you have a habit of sniping or passive aggression then a pattern develops of him deliberately being evasive because he doesn’t want the questions and you overthinking his motives.

Or did he start distancing himself and then you started questioning why?

How long has this been going on and how frequent? If 2 weekends in July is a rare occurrence that’s ok, I wouldn’t be happy with the 2 week holiday the following month, what has he planned for September?

I speak as someone who often has a weekend away, a short break, a day and/or evening out and a week abroad with friends. But I have to balance that with time spent with my DH.

If one of us always made plans with friends but not each other it would be a big problem. At what point did you stop talking to each other?

Velvian · 01/07/2023 10:05

@Wysiwyg55 , the more you post, the less I think it is a you problem. It sounds like he has checked out and is keeping you as an option.

You need to take some control back. Don't wait around for him. Make plans with other people. Take the disloyal so and so's kayak out with someone else.

Hope you can have a nice day and keep your chin up. You making other plans with friends will start to focus his mind a bit.

Original poster

Wysiwyg55 · 01/07/2023 10:20

No it hasn't always been the case
yes it's been a real shift in behaviour over the last six months.

OP posts:

Original poster

Wysiwyg55 · 01/07/2023 10:23

Susieb2023 · 01/07/2023 09:46

@Wysiwyg55 your updates just paint a picture of you as very unhappy. Him so dismissive of spending time with you.

Has this always been the case or is this (as I suspect) a real shift in his behaviour towards you?

Has he spoken to you this morning?

No he hasn't spoken We're both still in bed in separate rooms!
no it hasn't always been like this - we've done loads together always and apart as well.
yes there has been a shift over the last six months

OP posts:

Susieb2023 · 01/07/2023 10:25

Wysiwyg55 · 01/07/2023 10:20

No it hasn't always been the case
yes it's been a real shift in behaviour over the last six months.

This speaks volumes. I’m so sorry but he is checking out and your subconscious knows this and your feeling of shifting sands underneath your feet is leading to moments like last night.

Do not listen to some of the posters on here. You’re being gaslit by him AND by yourself.

Your focus needs to be on establishing your boundaries, not in berating yourself. What are your expectations? how short is he falling now? is this relationship truly making YOU happy? Is this how you want to feel for the rest of your life?

I said it before and I’ll say it again… you deserve better!

CwmYoy · 01/07/2023 10:27

He sounds like a pathetic, childish prick, OP.

Consider a better life without him.

NoPrivateSpy · 01/07/2023 10:36

This sounds like quite hurtful behaviour. I think you should try and speak honestly with him (if you can) about what quality time he wants to spend with you.

I feel like sometimes I say things to my husband in a way that I think is really clear. But it's obvious after an argument that he didn't realise how important it was to me. Is it possible there's a bit of this going on here too?

Hope you 2 can talk today

Original poster

Wysiwyg55 · 01/07/2023 10:43

Nanna50 · 01/07/2023 10:04

Resentment is a killer and sniping at each other becomes so destructive. It’s chicken and egg, what came first your insecurity or his distancing himself?

Or did he start distancing himself and then you started questioning why?

I speak as someone who often has a weekend away, a short break, a day and/or evening out and a week abroad with friends. But I have to balance that with time spent with my DH.

If one of us always made plans with friends but not each other it would be a big problem. At what point did you stop talking to each other?

100% - it is so destroying -

OP posts:

Original poster

Wysiwyg55 · 01/07/2023 10:44

NoPrivateSpy · 01/07/2023 10:36

This sounds like quite hurtful behaviour. I think you should try and speak honestly with him (if you can) about what quality time he wants to spend with you.

Hope you 2 can talk today

Thank you

OP posts:

Original poster

Wysiwyg55 · 01/07/2023 10:46

Susieb2023 · 01/07/2023 10:25

This speaks volumes. I’m so sorry but he is checking out and your subconscious knows this and your feeling of shifting sands underneath your feet is leading to moments like last night.

Do not listen to some of the posters on here. You’re being gaslit by him AND by yourself.

I said it before and I’ll say it again… you deserve better!

Show quote history

Stark reality .. don't think it's intentional on either of our parts ... just drifting - we need to honest with what we feel and be real ... thank you

OP posts:

VaddaABeetch · 01/07/2023 10:48

Get up & go out. Don’t lie in bed.

go for a swim. A walk, run something. Get the endorphins flowing.

It’s very hurtful that he’s freezing you out. Feck him. Do something for yourself today.

Don’t have ‘the talk’ while you’re still feeling so raw & he’s probably hungover.

jojo2202 · 01/07/2023 11:28

It seems the both of you are very immature to say you are in your 50s. He definitely needs to grow up. After 11 years in a relationship too just strikes me as a very new relationship where you are scared of rocking the boat.

Yupiknowhowthatfeels · 01/07/2023 12:00

Also look for the OW here.

aflix · 01/07/2023 12:19

2 weeks away with a mate? Unless it's a hobby holiday, that's a piss take. In fact 2 weeks for a hobby is still a piss take.

If something is confusing, it's because you are missing relevant information OP.

daisychain01 · 01/07/2023 18:15

It depends what you expect from your relationship, but reading your OP, I find it hard to reconcile that so many people on here think it's OK for your DH to have numerous social engagements and a vibrant social life where you're completely cut out of that social scene. What's the point of being married?

Just as an example, not to stealth-boast, my DH and I go out with friends separately, but the majority of our social life is going out together as a couple either with others or just the two of us. No way would either of us feel motivated or content to organise numerous social gatherings and cut the other out of the loop.

you have every reason to feel disenfranchised and despondent that he's off making happy memories with other people and has no hesitation to treat you like a taxi service. That's something that I'd question the viability of the whole relationship - he sounds selfish, and crass calling you a bitch, totally disrespectful and uncaring.

I'd start making plans and investments for your own life and consider your future, as it doesn't sound like he has any feelings for you.

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