I need to learn to bite my tongue ...

[Wysiwyg55]

I'm hopefully going to give a balanced view of what happened this evening between me and my dh. And would like advice from those who don't know us.
11 years together 8 married mid 50s . currently planning our retirement in a few months time.
DH had a night planned out with friends tonight.
Started off as two then four, meal and found out also live band.
I could feel me feeling resentful, insecure and jealous because he has such a solid group of good friends and when he goes out has a bloody good time and loves live music.
I gave a lift into town and instead of saying have a great night and see you later. I asked him why he hadn't just said from day one that there was a group of them going out for a meal and to see a band rather than me have to ask questions.
He got cross, said I didn't trust him and I'd ruined the evening for him and his mates.
When I stopped at junction he got out and walked into town.
I sent him a text to say I'd been a bit of tw@t saying what I did. He just replied - you're a b1tch!
That just knocked me sideways.
I said collect him if he wanted and if not would leave a key out.
his reply was - I want to be on my own.
I'm dreading tomorrow morning ...
should I be - feel sick to the stomach

Well at least you are self aware. OP try to be happy that he has friends and make friends yourself if you feel lonely.

I’ve ended controlling relationship where they didn’t want me to have friends. It’s OK and natural to be sociable and do different things with different people. They are more likely to cheat if they are unhappy in the relationship so you are actually pushing him away by doing this. He shouldn’t have called you a butch but perhaps you really upset him and he was walking on eggshells. People aren’t barbie dolls you can pick up and play with when it suits you and tell what to do. He isn’t your support animal.

Try working on your feelings of jealousy. Take up some hobbies you enjoy, get involved in the community and be friendly to everyone. You will be gappier and so will your partner.

Op in this situation you should have sat him down before the night and just said look, I'm feeling a bit crap about this and a bit jealous, and explain why. Have a conversation! I've done this before and it's made me feel so much better and we will usually then make a deal that we'll do something together the following week or whatever.

Your mistake was waiting until he was getting out the car and then attacking him and making it an argument, of course he was going to get annoyed.

However he shouldn't have replied calling you a bitch and I'd be calling him out on that today.

It looks like you have a lot to complain about (rightly imo) but instead of trying to talk about it in a grown up way you are doing little digs here and there (some of them probably unconsciously). Your DH feel the atmosphere correctly but doesn’t bother to do anything about it. And why would he? He seems to live the life how he’d like.
He doesn’t sound nice and loving from your description. His overreaction was very telling. It’s fine him going out at the junction but calling you names was not on.

I completely and utterly disagree with so many comments on this thread.

It sounds to me as though he is checking out of your marriage and you’re picking up on it (all these weekends and nights out and two week holiday with his mate, the lack of interest in doing things with you), having such a shift in your reality makes even the most level headed of us start to kick back. It’s where the arguments and resentment builds up. I agree you’re insecure but you’re insecure because your sense of security and safety is rocky.

IMHO his calling you a bitch over a minor comment is actually absolutely unacceptable and indicative of his lack of care of how anxious his growing distance is causing you.

This is setting boundaries or getting out time. It’s not the time to start blaming yourself for your reactions to being treated badly and being taken for granted.

You deserve better than a relationship that leaves you feeling like this.

@sammylady37 I’ve seen many people hide behind ‘insecurities’ and ‘trust issues’ as a way to justify quite controlling behaviour. You need to work kn these issues yourself.

Agree with this. I have a friend who does this and completely blames her 'insecurities'. You have behaved a little badly OP and you're not really owning it. You're blaming your insecurity, and edging towards the victim space. Please get some therapy to help you resolve your underlying issues.
As others have said he shouldn't have called you a bitch. Hope you get it sorted.

@NoSquirrels

No, the offering of a lift (probably knowing the resentment of a night out) and then having a dig in the car is about control.
As is the offering to pick him up later...so he can be checked up on and given an exact time of when his night should end.

I would have arranged my own fun for the night.
At the very least nice food/wine and something good to watch/bath.

No grown arse man needs picking up from a night out. It is absolutely about control, no wonder he reached his limit!

You said yourself you were resentful. You were obviously pissy in the car with him and having a go…thus ruining his evening before it started.

I can see why he’s annoyed.

Do you ever go out and have ' a bloody good time ' with friends? Perhaps you should.

I think he has over reacted a bit there! Possibly brooding on your complaint over a few drinks didn't help.
It doesn't sound terminal though.

Giving lifts It's what we always do on a night out always have done - and it's been reciprocal.
Never been any limitations on time or about control or checking up! .. it's about a crap bus service and a taxi costing a bloody fortune with no taxi firm in our town so always have to book ahead.

Yes - but it's been a while though I live in one town they live in another - there is a mid point - but it involves military planning with bud and train times and frequency ... but you're right I need to get out more!

Why weren't you invited out with him op?

Stop owning this as your problem.
There's more going on here than meets the eye, and to be honest, your DH sounds like a selfish tw*t to me.
It's a real cliche calling you insecure and controlling, paranoid etc.
I'd bet he's getting away with justifying no end of bad behaviour on the back of this.
What are you getting from this relationship?

You need to stop shouldering the blame for everything.
He excludes you from his social life if he’s “too tired” to go out with you but not to book nights out or holidays with his mates.
An argument or moaning comment before a night out is obviously not ideal but RUINING THE NIGHT FOR HIM AND HIS FRIENDS!! … what a princess.
Instead of admitting defeat and slinking away from the relationship have a real conversation and stand up for yourself! Worst case you’ll break up anyway best case he might respect you more!!

Is there anyone from local groups that you could start catching up with in your local pub (if you have one)?

You need to start having fun and enjoying yourself a bit more. Do something nice for yourself today. Buy yourself something nice and go for a coffee and cake (or whatever is a treat for you).

Sounds an unhealthy situation and relationship. What difference does it make if there’s a live band? I would not want to be controlled on meeting my friends once in a blue moon and you need to make more of an effort with your own friends. Get a cat. Do something for yourself don’t be intertwined in his life.

Oh, OP. Not sure anyone can make a judgement based off this one incident.

It sounds like there has been a build up of resentment on both your parts over some time.

Not sure you've answered why you're not invited? If it's because you don't want to go or he's asked you in the past and you have shown no interest, then I do think it's wrong to upset his night out in the way you did.

However if he rarely asks you along and you feel pretty much left out of his life, then it was only a matter of time before you cottoned on and tried to tackle it. Even if you didn't do it in the best way.

Which one is it?

I agree.

I would feel very hurt if DH constantly went out with other people without inviting me, and refused my suggestions of things we could do together. And I’d be furious if he called me a bitch!

If you want to continue the relationship, you need to have serious conversations with him. Be honest and open, tell him you enjoy spending time with him (if that’s still the case) while recognising that he isn’t responsible for all your happiness. Don’t make passive-aggressive comments! Listen to him, but stop belittling yourself and don’t let him belittle you either.

Good luck. I would be happier alone than with someone who doesn’t like me. But you may still be able to revive your love and friendship with each other.

Lads night out .. ! Tend to do stuff with only a few couples on the odd occasion.
we've not got lots of couple friendships that some have ..

Thank you - agree with what you've said ...

A falling out needn't be the end of the relationship. You did seem to catastrophise (sp?) from initial responses.

I think it's worth you seeing a counsellor yourself to work on the feelings of jealousy, because he should be able to enjoy time with friends. However, he's booked a 2 week holiday with a friend yet can't manage a once a month date night?! It really does sound like he's checking out.

👏 I completely agree.

Don't be daft. She wasn't apologising - she called him a twat!

Ooooops my mistake - totally misread! She called herself a twat and that changes my opinion! Sorry!

🤦‍♀️ oh come on now!!! 😂 Behave! 🤦‍♀️

You need to look at why you are insecure and how you can reduce this. It must be exhausting for yiu bith. He shouldn't have called you a bitch,even if he was frustrated.