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Original poster

Regretting my divorce...

90 replies

Comeandsee53 · 29/06/2023 15:03

This isn't intended to be a pity post but I'm really struggling to understand why I continue to feel this way and how I can move past it...

To cut a long story short, I was married to my ex husband for 7 years (together 12) and we have a DD who is now 10. We divorced 4 years ago now when DD was 6. The last 2 years into our marriage I changed completely as a person due to significant weight loss, and I was going out with friends a lot, gym, events that kind of thing as I felt like I had a new lease of life. My ex wanted the family life but I was just blindsided by this new feeling at the time and looking back now I realise how appallingly I treated him...He told me he'd had enough of my behaviour (at this point I was just never home) and he didn't feel like I wanted to be in the marriage anyway and he left. He continued to see DD obviously.

At the time I thought that was too what I wanted. Ex moved on quickly and has been with new partner for 3.5 years now and he seems to have an amazing life. I have had a few partners but both haven't worked out (cheating, just generally treated me poorly) and now I'm beginning to regret my actions all those years ago. I feel like those 'party' days, albeit came later on in my life, are past me and I now want what my ex used to tell me he wanted for our life. I know this is such a cliché but it's true. I accepted my fate but recently over the past few months I have a strong desire to message my ex and tell him all this, apologise and just see what he says, but I know it's probably too late.

My friends tell me that it's not my ex I want but a partner that can bring happiness to my life again but honestly after dating I realise what a catch he actually was. They tell me he should have been supporting me after weight loss and that he was just jealous that I had made new friends and was experiencing life without him....I really have no idea what to think about it anymore tbh.

What are people's thoughts on this please? Do I tell him?

OP posts:
frootie · 29/06/2023 15:10

No do not. I think you need some therapy to work out what has been going on and what you want in the future. It is messy to put this on him now - and unfair.

heldinadream · 29/06/2023 15:18

No don't tell him. No decision is perfect, we do the best we can at the time but many changes come with regrets.
Get some therapy to understand yourself better. You can find and make a new life but it won't be your fantasy amazing life because it almost certainly doesn't exist. But if you don't understand what truly motivates you you'll make the same 'mistakes' again. Good luck OP. And be kind to yourself, like the rest of us, you're not perfect but you are a valuable human being who deserves some love and satisfaction in life.

arethereanyleftatall · 29/06/2023 15:20

No, don't say anything, that would be incredibly selfish. You need to pay the consequences of your actions, not him, and not his new partner or amazing life.

greengreensummer · 29/06/2023 15:24

Do not do this. It is totally unfair on your ex and SO disrespectful to the relationship he is now in... what would you want from it anyway? For him to dump his partner of 3.5 years and get back with you?

I think it's a positive thing that you have recognised your behaviour was bad and you didn't treat him well at the time, I think it means your learning from it. But it would such a selfish thing to do, when really you need to move forwards. I think you need to focus on being respectful to all of those involved and a good co parent for the sake of your DD.

I agree with pps that therapy would be worth looking into. Sounds like a lot of complicated feelings and having someone to help work through them with you would be good.

Whataretheodds · 29/06/2023 15:27

No, don't tell him. You weren't ready for the same things at the time, now you are working out what you want for this phase of life.

Don't ever feel like you're hiding your light for the sake of a relationship.

Deathbyfluffy · 29/06/2023 15:27

Don't do it.
If for some crazy reason he was daft enough to dump his partner, you'd both harbour bad feeling towards each other over what happened.

You make a mistake, it happens, move on - some therapy is probably what you need.
Let the poor man enjoy his life with someone who appreciates him.

Aquamarine1029 · 29/06/2023 15:28

It would be outrageously selfish and totally inappropriate to speak to your ex about this. He has moved on, he's in a serious relationship, and it's not his fault you regret your choices.

BookLover7777 · 29/06/2023 15:29

Don't tell him. He's not going to give you the answer you want or welcome you back with open arms, and it could end up affecting how you co-parent and that could be distressing for your DD. As others say, you should get some therapy to move past it and make your peace with losing him.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 29/06/2023 15:29

How painful

you could if the moment was right tell him

but you sending this via text will cause major issues in his relationship possibly

he might tell her
she might be concerned
you might risk causing him some issues or sadness

if he was single fine bit there is his partner in the mix now

Seebit · 29/06/2023 15:30

No. You are living in cuckoo land and like you say he has been with his new partner for 3.5 years. You probably made mistakes back then but for me it’s too late and you shouldn’t be rocking his boat by approaching him. Time to move on and try to find your happy.

WitcheryDivine · 29/06/2023 15:37

Going against the grain a bit here but I think the one thing it's acceptable for you to do is apologise to your ex husband. It's a while ago but IMO an apology is always better late than never and it can be very "healing" for lack of a better word to have someone say, yeah actually I caused that and I'm sorry.

But obviously you need to abandon this daydream about telling your ex all your feelings and hoping he'll magically skip back into your arms. That would be stirring up fuckery and no doubt wouldn't have the effect you want. You would probably feel humiliated. And you don't even love him, you just feel you now want something similar to what he wanted then. You need a new partner who shares your new aims.

Two bad relationships are a knockback but that doesn't mean you won't meet someone great.

NoLeaveIt · 29/06/2023 15:42

I’m going to get slatted for this, but I think you should tell him.

You might still be the love of his life and he is just settling for second best with his current partner because he doesn’t realise you are still an option.

Mumtothreegirlies · 29/06/2023 16:02

First I want to say isn’t it amazing how when women neglect a marriage, it’s still almost always the man who leaves and walks out of the family home. Funny that.

you say he wanted the family life but he was still prepared to leave and start a new life with someone else just because he lost a bit of control over you. Now he has this amazing life and he may still see his child but you’re the one left with the majority of care.
I wonder how much of a ‘family life’ he has with his new subservient women.

honestly OP it ended for a reason. Perhaps you could casually add it into a conversation at an appropriate time that you wish things had been different and leave it there for him to digest but i wouldn’t go texting him.

Landndialamrhf · 29/06/2023 16:07

But you were selfish then and you’re selfish now.
you’re not apologising to him because you realised you were unpleasant and you regret that
you’re apologising because you want to see if he’ll dump his new partner, forget how you treated him and get back together now you’ve realised the grass isn’t greener.
learn your lesson, and try to move forward. If you love him, Be happy he’s now happy

of course if he wasn’t good enough for you then there’s every chance you’re forgetting the details now. You weren’t bothered for him, and he was happy to walk away, it can’t have been all that. Sounds like you’re also looking back through rose tinted glasses because he at least wasn’t as bad as the cheaters.

itsmellslikepopcarn · 29/06/2023 16:10

I’m sorry but no. You’ve made your bed.

I’ve been in this position, ex left me with the woman he cheated with and has had a string of failed relationships since, whereas im now in a happy, stable relationship. He’s since told me he will never get over me. Tough luck!

BookLover7777 · 29/06/2023 16:11

First I want to say isn’t it amazing how when women neglect a marriage, it’s still almost always the man who leaves and walks out of the family home. Funny that.

Not sure what point you are trying to make here. Are you say he should've stayed put in the family home and thrown her instead?

Specso · 29/06/2023 16:16

NoLeaveIt · 29/06/2023 15:42

I’m going to get slatted for this, but I think you should tell him.

You might still be the love of his life and he is just settling for second best with his current partner because he doesn’t realise you are still an option.

I actually agree with this.

It will only cause a massive issue if he still feels the same and if he does then surely it’s best he knows.

He’s a grown man. If he’s happy and moved on he’ll be perfectly capable of saying as much or just ignoring you completely and then you’ll know.

Just my opinion of course, I’m a strong advocate for never leaving anything unsaid.

Having said all that, if he ignores it or says thanks but no thanks you need to leave him alone, don’t follow up again and move on.

BigFatLiar · 29/06/2023 16:18

BookLover7777 · 29/06/2023 16:11

First I want to say isn’t it amazing how when women neglect a marriage, it’s still almost always the man who leaves and walks out of the family home. Funny that.

Not sure what point you are trying to make here. Are you say he should've stayed put in the family home and thrown her instead?

That's what I take it to mean, should have kicked her out, or perhaps taken the daughter when he left if mum was out all the time.

Sashya · 29/06/2023 16:21

I don't see why people are telling you not to tell him anything.

At a minimum - telling him you are sorry for how you treated him all those years ago, and that you are regretting it - is a very good thing to do.
You hurt him back then - and hearing it now - will surely only be a good thing for him. And for your future relationship - coparenting or otherwise.

As to telling him you want him back.....Won't start with that. As that would make the apology above seem manipulative.
If your message get you two talking - then who knows. If you are meant to get back together - you'll get there naturally.

Original poster
Comeandsee53 · 29/06/2023 16:33

Thanks everyone for their opinions...it seems like it's a bit of a marmite issue.

I genuinely have no idea how he feels about the past/us/me in comparison etc. He doesn't give anything away...in fact he is quite cold and passive almost like he doesn't want to look at me in the few exchanges we do have now regarding DD...but part of me wonders is it because he finds it too painful? I could be clutching at straws here.

They are not engaged yet even though and we were within 6 months...but then again I did try to apologise during a mediation session and he told me it was irrelevant as he has moved on and just focusing on the issues at hand regarding DD....I find him very difficult to read these days.

I'm just not sure I could handle the rejection currently which is what is putting me off the idea. I feel like I'm mourning the relationship all over again but harder this time. Is this normal 4 years post divorce?

OP posts:
HowcanIhelp123 · 29/06/2023 16:40

Personally I think you're still being selfish. You were being selfish then as you accept. You're 4 years down the line, he's happy and settled, your daughter has adjusted etc and now you want to drop a bomb on that? How is this going to go?

You tell him you want him back, even if he did want you you'll disrupt everything for your daughter again. Presumably she's used to her dads partner, used to her parents separation. You treated him badly, even if you got together it's no guarantee it would work out. You could decide you were looking back through rose tinted glasses and lose interest again, he could still harbour too much resentment. Then you split again and your daughter has to go through all this change and get unsettled for nothing.

More likely is he'll say no. Any coparenting is out the window. Makes your relationship with him awkward, puts him in a bad situation with his partner as it would be a betrayal not to tell her but if he does you're the ex after her man back and all that issues that brings between you and her and the trust she has with her partner when you meet for daughters events etc.

Your feelings are a bomb, and while there is a possibility you could get what you want, you need to be prepared that the fall out could also hurt everyone immensely.

You can tell him you've realised you behaved badly and apologise for the hurt you caused him back then, but saying you want to try again is a bad idea imo.

SoWhatEh · 29/06/2023 16:51

I think it would do no harm to apologise. That's not the same as suggesting you get back together, but one day when he drops the DC off, or similar, just invite him in for coffee and say, "I've been wanting for a while to say sorry to you for how I behaved before we split. I was blind to it at the time, but my behaviour was selfish and I see that now. You had every right to want me to focus on the family, not go out all the time. I want you to know that I am truly sorry and that I appreciate how you tried to keep us together at the time." That way you are not straying into "I didn't realise what I was missing" territory, but you are taking responsibility for having behaved unkindly.

BookLover7777 · 29/06/2023 16:51

Your update makes me even more certain you shouldn't say anything – for your poor DD's sake. Don't make things any worse on the co-parenting front if he's already cold towards you now! If there had been any hope, he'd have indicated that during the mediation session. It's over, let it go.

The speed of your engagement is meaningless now.

NeverThatSerious · 29/06/2023 16:55

HowcanIhelp123 · 29/06/2023 16:40

Personally I think you're still being selfish. You were being selfish then as you accept. You're 4 years down the line, he's happy and settled, your daughter has adjusted etc and now you want to drop a bomb on that? How is this going to go?

You tell him you want him back, even if he did want you you'll disrupt everything for your daughter again. Presumably she's used to her dads partner, used to her parents separation. You treated him badly, even if you got together it's no guarantee it would work out. You could decide you were looking back through rose tinted glasses and lose interest again, he could still harbour too much resentment. Then you split again and your daughter has to go through all this change and get unsettled for nothing.

More likely is he'll say no. Any coparenting is out the window. Makes your relationship with him awkward, puts him in a bad situation with his partner as it would be a betrayal not to tell her but if he does you're the ex after her man back and all that issues that brings between you and her and the trust she has with her partner when you meet for daughters events etc.

Your feelings are a bomb, and while there is a possibility you could get what you want, you need to be prepared that the fall out could also hurt everyone immensely.

You can tell him you've realised you behaved badly and apologise for the hurt you caused him back then, but saying you want to try again is a bad idea imo.

Definitely agree with this. He has no interest in even hearing an apology from you, what on earth makes you think he wants to hear that you want him back?!

killwithkindness123 · 29/06/2023 16:58

A different story but something similar. Was with my partner for 20 yrs... He left because he felt he couldn't trust me (I'd never cheated or been unfaithful in any sense) but I did feel the need to sometimes withhold from telling him if I'd spoke to a certain man in the supermarket etc, he says I was too friendly to the opposite sex and treated him like rubbish, he couldn't trust me as I would sometimes hold stuff back trying to avoid conflict with him.... He says it wouldn't have caused conflict but me being secretive did. I'm confused because if I did tell him things it did cause conflict...

Anyway he decided enough was enough. Left me but still sees our 2 small children on a regular basis. He moved on within weeks with a younger girl and she was pregnant within 4-6 weeks of him leaving. She's due any day now!

I'm struggling as i still very much love him. I never wanted the relationship to end. I loved my little home life.. Now I'm single mum at 37 and I very much hate it. I'm also struggling as I miss him so much and I've to sit by and watch him move on so incredibly soon into this whole amazing new life while I'm grieving the loss of absolutely everything I devoted my life and soul to and having to hear all back through our children. He knows how I feel, I ended up accepting all the blame as I feel like it was all my fault. He won't hear me out on my version so I just took the blame and apologised. He says only for the baby and the fact he lost trust in me he would like to return but has too much fear in him incase I hurt him again and he might give up something good with the OW for me to hurt him.

I'm gutted as I done those things for good reason , to avoid certain situations arising. But I wasn't cheating, I'd never ever have cheated. Never even considered wanting to be with anyone else ever so I'm distraught by everything and I'm too fearful to even consider meeting any one else as I'm still crazy about my partner and in some ways he's left me hanging on to hope.

Telling me "we don't know what the future holds" or "can't let go of what we have" but yet still says he's fearful and it's me that needs to change. I'm so confused as to weather to hold on to that hope or am I just being kept in the loop as a "just incase it doesn't work out"
I've no doubt he still loves me the way I love him but it's incredibly painful to stand by and watch him move on with this ow and new baby on the way whilst being told he misses me, our life etc but yet not wanting to commit to fixing things. I cant move on because I can't let go and it was something that I just did not see coming so bloody quickly. It's really devastated me all of it and having all the blame laid at my feet and that I've fully took the blame. I've been with him from 17 and I don't want anyone else to fill his place in my life. I don't know how to process any of it or what I should do. And yes I think I could take him back even with the whole baby situation as crazy as I sound but you love who you love and that man has my heart, always has.

Am I mad...? Would u suggest I just leave all alone... But I miss him so much, I'm so lonely and I hate the fact I'm not coping with all of this, it's all really knocked me off my feet if I'm honest and can't help but compare my relationship to the new one he has as he's openly told me "she's honest and up front with me and doesn't cause me to feel jealousy etc) so I obviously take that all in and question myself as a woman and a partner