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Original poster

He's booked to go away for his birthday

109 replies

yetanothernamechange1987 · 28/06/2023 20:57

My bf of 6 months has booked 3 nights abroad for his birthday later this year.
His last birthday he did a city break abroad with his ex and the one before he did 5 nights in London with his ex.
I cannot do these things as I have 5 kids.
Aibu to be upset he's spending his birthday with his brother on holiday instead of with me?

OP posts:
EllaRaines · 29/06/2023 00:03

You have five children. He has freedom to come and go as he likes.

That's just a fact and why should he now be tied to you because you have the responsibility of your children?

That might suck for you but it's mighty unfair on him to have to now curtail his holidays and celebrations.

If this is how you feel so early on in the relationship then I don't think it's going to work out and perhaps you need to be with someone in a similar situation as yourself.

whynotwhatknot · 29/06/2023 00:15

how do you even meet up if you cant leave the dc

when i first met dh he spent his birthday with his own family-this year i went on holiday without him for mine

do what you like for your own birthdays

toodlesofoodles · 29/06/2023 00:26

SunflowerTed · 28/06/2023 21:00

Why have 5 kids?

I don't think she can push some of them back in, how irrelevant 🤣

OP it's been 6 months, if you can't go away then they're taking their brother not you, not like the ex is going?

JohnOgloat · 29/06/2023 00:49

SunflowerTed · 28/06/2023 21:00

Why have 5 kids?

I suppose you have 2.2 kids 🙄

What is wrong with having 5 children, I have, including an adoptive one? Perhaps I should have let that one grow up in an orphanage or the system as it doesn't fit the prescribed number that is acceptable on MN by judgy little narrow-minded individuals.

BodyKeepingScore · 29/06/2023 00:52

yetanothernamechange1987 · 28/06/2023 21:55

Ok I'm bu.
Just thought in the early start of a relationship you did firsts together.
Thank you for your replies.

What first? Is it his first birthday?

NewbieSM · 29/06/2023 00:59

Yeah I think YABU OP, it's a new relationship and you both have different lives, you with the responsibility of 5 kids and him with none (I assume). If he wants to celebrate HIS birthday by going away then he is entitled to do that. The fact you have 5 kids that you struggle to find babysitters for just for dates excludes you from joining him. He shouldn't have to change his birthday plans to suit you. This doesn't mean you can't celebrate with him another time, but I don't think you can dictate how and when he celebrates his day because of your caring responsibilities.

Blondeshavemorefun · 29/06/2023 01:08

If he is used to going away for birthday when weather is cold then don't blame him for wanting to do the same this year

Doubtful you could get someone to take all 5 kids - is dad in the picture - is is the same dad ? Could he have them ?

Then the cost. Which I assume would be a lot around Xmas time

Or are you planning to take him away week before /after birthday

I hope he hasn't met the kids yet or just has

I've always said 6mths is a good time limit to wait and meet the kids

RandomOrder · 29/06/2023 01:19

Wow, this thread is horrible! So many comments implying that op trapped her BF or is somehow limiting his ‘freedom’ by having the audacity to start a relationship with him whilst being a mother of 5. Presumably he knows she has children and still wants to be with her, almost like she has lots to offer despite being a mother to 5 children. I expect the replies would have been kinder if she’d only mentioned she wouldn’t be able to get childcare for a birthday trip away.

OP, I think it’s natural to feel a little disappointed that your BF doesn’t want to spend his birthday with you and I can imagine brings up feelings of jealousy that you don’t have the same freedom. I’m a lone parent too and have struggled a lot with the unfairness of having my freedom so curtailed while my ex swanned off doing whatever he pleases. So often us women left with all the responsibility and still get judged for it! My kids are just old enough to leave without a babysitter now and it’s so lovely to be able to pop out and do things just for myself whenever I like without having to plan it carefully. Your DC will be at that age before you know it.

Having said that, it is still early days and he obviously has a routine of going away for his birthday so it’s likely no reflection on his feelings towards you. As the relationship progresses, keep communicating about what you both want from the relationship. If you eventually want something more committed and he only wants to keep things light while he goes off and does his own thing, then you may not be compatible.

AngelAurora · 29/06/2023 01:37

yetanothernamechange1987 · 28/06/2023 21:04

I just thought he would've wanted to spend his birthday with me.
I understand about the holiday but he could've gone away the week before or after.

Grow up, you are very controlling. It's his Birthday, he can do what he wants.

GreyCarpet · 29/06/2023 07:40

You're seeing him going away on his birthday as a rejection of you. He sees going away on his birthday as what he does and does so every year.

You've been together for 6 months. His birthday is at the end of the year so potentially another 6 months away.

I wouldn't be making plans for 6 months time with someone I'd only been dating for 6 months. In fact, I wouldn't even bring it up!

He's going away for 3 nights? There will be days before he goes and days after he's back to do something with you.

Presumably he hasn't met your children at 6 months? Or at least not often enough to know them well or have formed any sort of relationship with them. And depending on their ages, he's not going to want to spend his birthday doing the sort of thing that will keep 5 children of varying ages happy!

I think you have very unrealistic expectations.

Equalitea · 29/06/2023 08:35

Yabu

Keepitonthelow · 29/06/2023 08:47

His birthday is not for another six months? I wouldn’t bother worrying about it now. You’ve got plenty of time to arrange something else with him that fits around his holiday.

Lillyrosemay · 29/06/2023 09:19

That’s quite selfish op. You should be pleased for him. It’s his birthday, not yours and you might not be together by then anyways

Zanatdy · 29/06/2023 09:20

You’re on different pages. He’s not going to never go away again as you can’t due to having 5 kids. Nothing wrong with him spending his birthday with family

Zanatdy · 29/06/2023 09:27

How do you even see him if you struggle to get a babysitter? Couples do often do firsts together but when the partner has 5 kids there’s a lot of stuff you’re never going to be able to do together, holidays alone included. I personally would rather a holiday with my brother than staying in with a girlfriend and her 5 kids

frozendaisy · 29/06/2023 10:04

No he's not being unreasonable honestly I wouldn't want to have to think about accommodating 5 kids that weren't mine on my birthday weekend.

It's just one weekend.

And it's perfectly reasonable to use that as an excuse if you like to get away from the chaos of family life.

babysharkdoodoodedoodedoo · 29/06/2023 11:17

It is his birthday, not yours. If you have so many kids of course you can’t do whatever you want. Why should he have to miss out?

Lillyrosemay · 29/06/2023 11:33

The difference between uou and his ex’s op is they could go away for 5 nights, you have chosen a different life, having 5 kids, so going away for you is a very different matter, both financially and logistically. and he can’t be expected to take the 6 of you away for his birthday, it’s wrong to expect him to miss out and not go away for his birthday due to your life choices.

it would even be dodgey if you were in a long term commitment, but it’s even worse when you’re only 6 months in and it’s a new relationship like this.

I hope he doesn’t know how you feel. As for me it would raise huge red flags if someone was behaving like this after a few short months, tel him you hope he has fun and organise something for another weekend

AdviceNeeded22222 · 29/06/2023 11:33

TBH I don't think I'd want to spend my birthday with a partner of only 6 months who has 5 kids that are not my kids. Personal preferance.
He can do whatever he likes for his birthday but you could also plan something for him also instead of expecting him to just "spend it with you"

Daisydu · 29/06/2023 11:37

I think at 6 months in it’s ok. I’d be a bit miffed he didn’t want to spend his birthday with me, but I don’t think he’s being unreasonable. If he still did this after living together then I’d say it’s an issue. Do your kids see their dad? Or do you have another family member to help with childcare? Any chance you can book a little night away with a friend or something? I have 6 kids so I know how hard it is.

Bookworm20 · 29/06/2023 11:42

Alot of these replies are really quite horrible.

OP is dissapointed that her new bf is going away for this birthday, something he seems to do every year with his then gf and she wasn't even asked. So I get that would feel pretty hurtful.

Ok so it would be complicated or probably a no go with the kids, but he didn't even bother to ask her. Plus he won't be spending his birthday with her as the holiday means he'll be away. I think he has been a bit inconsiderate tbh. But also OP may have to realise that this man appears to do this for every birthday and with the dc situation OP knows thats not going to be an option for her. So does that mean she'll never get to spend a birthday with him?

He is the one dating someone with 5 dc, I am sure he is fully aware of this situation and that op is not going to be able to do things at a drop of a hat. He does not seem to have taken this into consideration at all. So maybe the 2 of you are not very well suited.

He can of course do whatever he likes on his birthday. But the not asking OP, completely leaving her out after being dating for 6 months is pretty dismissive and yes, i'm sure it has hurt ops feelings.

Nasty comments about her having 5 dc and what does she expect are really not helping.

beatingtheodds · 29/06/2023 11:46

yetanothernamechange1987 · 28/06/2023 21:04

I just thought he would've wanted to spend his birthday with me.
I understand about the holiday but he could've gone away the week before or after.

What's stopping you celebrating with him the week before or after?

beatingtheodds · 29/06/2023 11:47

yetanothernamechange1987 · 28/06/2023 22:12

His birthday is at the end of the year.
I don't know what we could've done but I'm upset he didn't try and sort out anything with me.
I maybe could've got childcare but he just wanted to get away.

Rightly so.. it's his birthday.

Wishimaywishimight · 29/06/2023 11:50

OP, do you not think it would be a bit premature (bonkers) of him to make plans with you for 6 months time when you have only been together for that long?

If you are still together in October / November then you can plan something nice with him for sometime in and around his birthday. Also gives you plenty of time to find a babysitter!

pimplebum · 29/06/2023 14:30

What did you want him to do ? Take you and 5 kids away with you ?
I'd hate that myself so why do you expect him to take you away it would be so expensive
Can you afford to treat him ?