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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I hate DH's hair!

100 replies

Triffid1 · 26/06/2023 14:06

I am late 40s, peri menopausal, self employed, with two pre-teen kids so I admit that sex isn't exactly high on my list at the best of times.

DH is an attractive man, very fit, dresses well etc. He went grey very early but looks good with it .

Currently, he's letting his hair get long. It's in excellent condition, has a bit of nice curl/wave to it and he keeps it clean, neat etc. I 100% believe he has every right to have his hair however he likes it. But I am (irrationally) completely repulsed by it. I really really hate it and it is turning me off him completely. I am literally fantasising about him getting it cut short - I think I'd haul him straight into the bedroom for a full on session if he did.

What do I do? I can't tell him I hate it. I can't ask him to cut it. How do I get over the "ick"?

[for the record, I've never liked long hair on men and in fact the only man with long hair I've ever so much as snogged was lovely, gorgeous, brilliant in bed... but I just couldn't get into it and after the world's shortest fling while we were all away, I had to end it.
And amusingly, I was taking a mental catalogue of friends etc recently and realised I have just one friend with properly long hair. Most have short hair or shortish hair. And thinking about it, I can honestly say that mums on school run with long hair are ones I actively avoid. I clearly have issues!]

OP posts:
cocksstrideintheevening · 26/06/2023 14:08

You can't do anything about it. He can do whatever he wants with his hair.

Currently in the ick for different reasons, can't see me getting past it.

crazeekat · 26/06/2023 14:15

know the feeling i hate when my hubby hair gets out of shape just with no time to get his cut, but don't think i'd cope if he grew it deliberately, but feeling is vice versa, when i get mine cut too short, he calls me all sorts of names (jokingly but only half lol) cos he loves long hair.
nothing i can do about it, and i wouldn't dream of giving him an ultimatum but u are entitled to feel how u feel too. tell him light heartedly ur not that into long hair but beware he may grow it even longer just to annoy u hahaha x

afaloren · 26/06/2023 14:29

Why can’t you talk to him about it? You don’t have to be horrible about it but you could tell him honestly that it’s putting you off.

myNewName21 · 26/06/2023 14:34

I don’t see why you cannot say that you preferred him with shorter hair, but his choice ultimately 🤷🏼

Original poster
Triffid1 · 26/06/2023 14:41

afaloren · 26/06/2023 14:29

Why can’t you talk to him about it? You don’t have to be horrible about it but you could tell him honestly that it’s putting you off.

If he told me that he found something very unattractive about me, I'd be devastated. I just don't feel I can do that.

He does know I prefer it short. I just haven't said that I hate it long.

OP posts:
StellaLaBella · 26/06/2023 14:41

Use your words OP

LadyBird1973 · 26/06/2023 14:44

The thing is your relationship will suffer if you don't say something. Attraction isn't a choice - you just like what you like. So long as you are kind about it, then it's okay to say you don't like it.
If something I did put off my partner, I'd want to know so I could change it. Surely your dh wants you to find his appearance pleasing?

WinterDeWinter · 26/06/2023 14:46

It's. not a criticism of him though OP, because it's something he can instantly change. I think if you say you know it's irrational but you really dislike long hair - on men and women - that would be fine. Maybe say you're worried it might give you the ick rather than saying you already have it though?

StellaLaBella · 26/06/2023 14:48

Ask him if he's deliberately growing it out or if he plans to get it cut soon because you think he looks so much hotter with short hair and throw in a few winks. He'll be legging it down to the barber's in no time.

My DH has the most gorgeous hair, it's full and thick and streaked with salt and pepper stripes so perfect people ask him how he dyes it lol. Makes me swoon, so I get the hair thing. It's always been a part of my attraction to him.

Be honest, just not brutally honest!

whatchagonnado · 26/06/2023 14:48

Oh come on, there's nothing wrong with telling him you prefer it short. I'm sure he'd rather know, instead of getting lots of ick vibes from you. He's probably wondering what he's done wrong

Original poster
Triffid1 · 26/06/2023 14:48

Thanks all. Going to think about it and see if there's a way to mention it and the point about not liking long hair all round is valid and true - he knows all my friends so he knows I don't have many with long hair and certainly none I've met in the last few years!

I just feel terrible because I know he loves it. He had long hair long before I met him and I know he misses it. And if you were into long hair, you'd think he's a total stud as it's grey but gorgeous and shiny and soft and all the rest of it. It's just not something that I like.

OP posts:
billyt · 26/06/2023 14:53

My wife tells me if she thinks my hair is getting too long. Doesn't bother me at alll.

just say.

CapEBarra · 26/06/2023 14:58

My DP much prefers my hair long. He’d never in a million years tell me what hairstyle to have but when I’m wearing it down and all wavy he will tell me that it is beautiful. He’s bald and I prefer him with his hair really short. When it gets too long it starts to look like a mad woolly sheep and I’ll tell him he looks like he needs to be sheared. It’s perfectly fine to indicate your preferences, but not ok to bully or cajole someone into doing something they don’t want to do.

Lamelie · 26/06/2023 15:01

Has he not asked you?

Humanswarm · 26/06/2023 15:04

Wow, honestly, you're in a loving, committed relationship. Sometimes, I colour my hair and my DP is absolutely honest and says if he preferred it before or a different colour. He'll also say, I look amazing in one outfit but says others aren't as flattering or whatever. And I take zero offence. Zero. I appreciate his honesty and I repay him the same favour ( for context he occasionally grows his hair long due to long periods away, and I will always say..time for a chop)..
Just be honest, for goodness sake.

Always4Brenner · 26/06/2023 15:04

I loathe long hair on men make up on men unless stage make up for theatre. Straggly beards. I feel your pain nothing you can do though.

TheMurderousGoose · 26/06/2023 15:04

there are ways of expressing your preference without insulting him. get the photo album out and say 'mmmm, you look so hot in that picture. think it's the hair'.

JeminaSunshine · 26/06/2023 15:06

I would tell him. If something I was doing was having this effect on DH I'd be gutted if he didn't just tell me

Thisshallneverpass · 26/06/2023 15:06

I don't understand why this is even a question. Just tell him you don't like his hair like that. Surely that's normal? Hair styles are fashion choices and easily changed. Its not like telling someone you don't like their nose or eyes or face, is it? Its just a new hairstyle that you don't like! Don't you think he would be more upset to know you were secretly repelled by something he can easily change but never told him? I would hate to think my partner would treat me like this!

Cinai · 26/06/2023 15:08

I think if this was a man posting that he’d like his partner to change something about their appearance, the responses would be quite different….I don’t know what you should/can do, OP, the only thing I can say is that I wouldn’t really appreciate it if my DP told me that he wants me to change my hair

Fairyliz · 26/06/2023 15:11

Don’t tell him you don’t like long hair, just tell him how hot and sexy he looks with it shorter, stressing the sexy bit.
Most men I know aren’t that bothered what they look like and would be more than willing to cut their hair if it means more sex.

Ladybug14 · 26/06/2023 15:12

Cinai · 26/06/2023 15:08

I think if this was a man posting that he’d like his partner to change something about their appearance, the responses would be quite different….I don’t know what you should/can do, OP, the only thing I can say is that I wouldn’t really appreciate it if my DP told me that he wants me to change my hair

I agree with this. ^

But if the OP has got to the point of The Ick, which is the beginning of the end, wouldn't it be better to try to resolve it?

TheMurderousGoose · 26/06/2023 15:12

Cinai · 26/06/2023 15:08

I think if this was a man posting that he’d like his partner to change something about their appearance, the responses would be quite different….I don’t know what you should/can do, OP, the only thing I can say is that I wouldn’t really appreciate it if my DP told me that he wants me to change my hair

I wouldn't care as long as it was said in a nice way.

'Yuck, I really don't fancy you with that new hair colour' -

'You look great, but I love it best when you're blonde' -

Seas164 · 26/06/2023 15:17

I am literally fantasising about him getting it cut short - I think I'd haul him straight into the bedroom for a full on session if he did.

Tell him this.

GrumpyPanda · 26/06/2023 15:26

Cinai · 26/06/2023 15:08

I think if this was a man posting that he’d like his partner to change something about their appearance, the responses would be quite different….I don’t know what you should/can do, OP, the only thing I can say is that I wouldn’t really appreciate it if my DP told me that he wants me to change my hair

But OPs not saying she wants him to change his hair - she's saying him having long her has an entirely involuntary effect on her.

OP- just be honest with him like you've been here. Tell him it looks objectively great. But that you have a gut level reaction to it. And freely confess to it being irrational.

I do get you - I have a thing for clean-shaven men in white shirts. Doesn't mean I'd require permanent business attire in mine.