Has anybody cut off parents who were cruel and abusive but also loving and generous?

[Areyounot]

I have just had another horrific incident with my Dad just 2 weeks after the previous one.

They never get resolved as my parents will never apologise. They have been extremely loving and generous at times and when we get on, we get on extremely well. They are close to the grandchildren and are doting.

I love them dearly but I also hate how they make me feel. I don’t how much I can cope with. But would the heartbreak of not seeing them again be too much?

They have many instances of violence throughout the years. The last being punched in the mouth when I was pregnant with my much wanted son after a traumatic miscarriage at 12 weeks a few months earlier. I fell and had to go to hospital.

There has been many more instances throughout the years. My father is cruel with words as well as violent, yet he has always been loving at the same time, he has expressed thinly veiled remorse for how he treated me as a child but never an apology.

I really don’t what to do for the best.

If your Dad is physically abusive then no amount of loving / generosity is enough to make up for that

I would absolutely cut them off

If he can hit his daughter then how can you guarantee he won't hit his grandchildren?

You should report the latest incident to the police also

We are programmed to love our parents, no matter how abusive they actually are.

re your comment
"They have been extremely loving and generous at times and when we get on, we get on extremely well. They are close to the grandchildren and are doting"

They've only being "nice" to you on their terms and that is only when you are totally compliant and otherwise subserviant to them. Their love for you is conditional, not freely given. Such toxic people too never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.

So no, they are not any of the above. They remain abusive and such people often use money and gifts as a means of further controlling their chosen target, in this case you. Gifts too should come with ribbons, not strings.

I would also think your abusive father tries to play off one of the children against the other. Why would you want these people at all around your children when they have been and remain abusive to you?. Did you hope and or think that somehow they would behave better this time around despite your own childhood experiences to the contrary?. It is a mistake that many adult children of such toxic parents make.

Cut your parents out of your life. Its not your fault your father is abusive, you did not make him that way and that is all on him. Under no circumstances should any of you see this person ever again because he continues to abuse you and also will use your kids to further get back at you.

I would also report him to the police. You would not tolerate this at all from a friend, your dad is no different.

You will need to grieve for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got.

I wouldn't have anything to do with them , violence is never okay

Loving parent is neither cruel or abusive.

Punching pregnant woman in the mouth??? What the actual F OP. I’d be calling the police on them,this is serious assault. I also wouldn’t let them anywhere near my children.

Cut off abusive people and have some counselling as you really badly need it.
Otherwise when will it stop? Will you tolerate your children being hit?

Your father is extremely abusive. By not keeping him away from your kids you might be seen as colluding in abusing your kids one day.

Your father punched you in the mouth?????
Get rid!!

He's not loving though. Abusers do this to manipulate, they breadcrumb and gaslight you by acting nice some of the time so you doubt your own perception of things. Generosity is with strings attached so guilt you later.

They have many instances of violence throughout the years. The last being punched in the mouth when I was pregnant with my much wanted son after a traumatic miscarriage at 12 weeks a few months earlier. I fell and had to go to hospital.

Read what you wrote. It is shocking - truly shocking. Your father punched his pregnant daughter. I don't know what the latest horrific incident is but I suspect it is way beyond normal behaviour. You have a relationship with them still because their abuse has done a number on you.

What does your partner think of all of this? I can't imagine my husband's reaction if anyone had punched me and sent me to the hospital, still less when I was pregnant, still less my own father.

OP, I think you need to talk to someone about this - get some therapy.

You are confused . Being punched in the mouth whilst pregnant is not the action of a generous loving parent . No amount of ' goodness ' compensated for violence.
I'm surprised you're even asking the question . No way would he be allowed near grandchildren.
Get this toxic pair out your life .

He punches you in the face? No loving parent does that.
Immediately cut all contact and seek a therapist.

I'm so sorry you have been conditioned by them to think this is acceptable. It's totally not and your father punching you in the face could have landed him in prison. I started reading your thread with interest as I have a relationship with my mum that mostly is amazing but she is also easy to offend and can be moody but punching?? I would have reported him. Why let these people be around your children? I really feel for you. Please please talk to someone and get some confidence that these are not good people regardless of being your parents xxxx

They know what they're doing. After all, they wouldn't behave like that to someone in their workplace, or a family member whose good opinion they valued. People are a bit of a mixture, and there'll be moments of conviviality from even the most tyrannical individual. It doesn't make them any more trustworthy.

It's perfectly alright to detach from people like that. It's not your job to fix their problems, even if they'd let you. Make your own family with better people!

Your dad punched in you in the face? Christ OP that is beyond awful. I'm confused how you can say he's loving!

What was his reasoning behind this? What had you done (in his eyes!), obv nothing you could possibly do would deserve such treatment.

What does your DH say about all this .... surely he'd want to murder him!

and keep them away from your children, however 'doting' they seem at the moment as it won't last if they've got form for such violence/abuse.

Oh OP, I'm so sorry for you because they are still manipulating and abusing you. Using affection and generosity as a way to control you and to minimise the abusive and violent behaviours.

You absolutely must cut contact with them. Of course it will be hard - you love them and want to see the good bits - but if your dad is STILL beating you, as an adult woman with children of your own, quite honestly, I'd be terrified for you and for your own DC around this man.

I would not do it in a vacuum though. Seek support from friends or your partner and I would seriously consider therapy as soon as possible to help you process and deal with what, inevitably, will feel like a mourning period.

Gosh op. That's awful I'm so sorry how abused you have been. Would you keep visiting a friend or neighbour who punched you? Although it doesn't sound like he has genuine remorse being sorry doesn't mean you have to keep letting yourself be hurt. If you were behaving like this to your adult children what would you want them to do. You'd want them to detach. If your parents had 5 minutes of empathy and clarity they'd want you to get away. DNA doesn't make us a dumping ground for someone else's inability to control themselves.

My dad though his violence and cruelty has been horrible at times. He was alway there for him when I needed him. He tucked me into bed every night, read me countless bed time stories, held me every night as I slept as I was scared of the dark. He was there for every sports day and any event I took part in. He bought my 1st car, took me to Disneyland, holidays around the world, paid off debts when I was young and stupid. He renovated my 1st house for me and helped with the deposit. Any job or anything I need both my parents are there with no strings attached. Yet they have this horrible horrible cruel side that ruins all of that.

He would absolutely never ever ever hurt my children. They are his everything and have been since the day they were born. I absolutely would not let my children around my parents if that was the case.

That’s what I mean about loving and generous.

most abusers tend to be generous and occasionally loving - they have no other way to balance out the abuse. they have to do something to tie their victims to them.

there are a lot of parents who buy their young children toys after they beat them up.

hell. he may even feel genuinely sorry for abusing you, but feeling genuinely sorry in the past didn't stop him punching you in the face, right? remorse means nothing if the behaviour persists

also, he WILL hurt your children, make absolutely no mistake about it

someone who punches pregnant woman in the face will harm children too

They are his everything and have been since the day they were born

But aren't YOU also his "everything" as his DD? One who he, apparently, has provided plenty of support and love to?

Sorry OP, but I think you're being naive. He has his own reasons for hitting you and when your DC are old enough, he'll do it to them too. Or perhaps he'll avoid hitting them on the assumption that might the line you won't allow him to cross more than once, but he'll be abusive in other ways.

Think back - when did he start hitting you? how old were you? Are you DC genuinely past this?

Also, does he hit your mum?

Your last statement really hit home. Thank you for that.

Wow that sounds like a complete head fuck. Your dad sounds like a complete Jekyll and Hide and I really think you need some professional help to get your head around that sort of behaviour. There are a number of psychiatric diagnoses that could explain it and could maybe help you understand why he behaves like that - but you probably need to step away for the safety of you and your kids as he sounds extremely unpredictable.

You were likely his everything once as well and yet he’s punched you when pregnant.

If he is too toxic/difficultfor YOU to deal with it’s the SAME deal for your dc as well. He is abusive towards you so all bets are off anyway. You need to keep your children well away from him and your mother as well particularly if he’s hit her too. They have both failed you utterly as parents.

He punched you whilst pregnant yet you claim he loves his grandchildren?

And you have indeed been further controlled by him via his use of money and gifts. Such hoovering is a tactic abusive people use to keep you in their grip and he will use your dc in similar ways.

All I can say is I know how you feel. In my case it was my mum who behaved like this. She had a split personality, was a total narcissist, not an official diagnosis but one made by me and my sister.
It is so hard to deal with, a person who can be nice one minute then spiteful and awful the next. Especially when it's the person who is supposed to love you and care about you more than anything.
It ruined our family life, my dad was scared of her too and it left me and my sister both suffering with anxiety disorders.
I never cut her off, everyone put up with her behaviour and pretended it was okay. This includes her grandchildren. She was better with them but could turn on them if she felt like it.
My parents are gone now but looking back I wish I had distanced myself more, I should have moved away as soon as I was old enough.

So I would say, don't accept the behaviour and pretend it's okay like I did, distance yourself.