Has anybody cut off parents who were cruel and abusive but also loving and generous?

[Areyounot]

I have just had another horrific incident with my Dad just 2 weeks after the previous one.

They never get resolved as my parents will never apologise. They have been extremely loving and generous at times and when we get on, we get on extremely well. They are close to the grandchildren and are doting.

I love them dearly but I also hate how they make me feel. I don’t how much I can cope with. But would the heartbreak of not seeing them again be too much?

They have many instances of violence throughout the years. The last being punched in the mouth when I was pregnant with my much wanted son after a traumatic miscarriage at 12 weeks a few months earlier. I fell and had to go to hospital.

There has been many more instances throughout the years. My father is cruel with words as well as violent, yet he has always been loving at the same time, he has expressed thinly veiled remorse for how he treated me as a child but never an apology.

I really don’t what to do for the best.

there is nothing a child can do to "deserve" abuse, but abusers often use this as an excuse...except abused children get even more angry and difficult. its a vicious circle

everyone has vices but unless you are walking around beating people up then you have done nothing to deserve the kind of treatment you got from your dad

btw, your mother is just as awful. she excused her failure to protect you by believing her "reasons" for him beating you up

Block them all. I'm sorry OP 💐

The fact that your mother thinks you need to 'get over' your father punching you in the face whilst pregnant says it all.

Walk away now and don't look back.

I'm so sorry but this.

Your wedding should really be the juncture

You sound lovely and as if you have a good career. Reclaim and be happy!! Good luck!!

Can I just revisit that post about the OP being an 'angry baby'? That sounds like a load of crp made up by the family, because not many people can remember that far back in their childhood. It's certainly possible for babies to bite themselves but it doesn't necessarily mean anger in the way that it would in an adulty. Anyway, you wouldn't have teeth as a very new baby so damage would be limited. Similarly with the stories about tantrums as a toddler - that's probably just abusive crp too. Of course, many youngsters can be demanding and exhausting, but once again it's unlikely that the OP remembers a great deal of that time, so it sounds to me like one of those 'we always knew you were trouble' stories. A bit like people in days gone by who claimed their child was a changeling!

I agree Alexa. And even if OP had been colicky/impatient etc as a baby and toddler, it is certainly not a reason to abuse the child. It just means you have to up your parenting game.

"Born angry"? - more like "born to people who are already determined to blame their terrible parenting on an innocent baby". Massive amount of victim blaming going on there.

I grew up in a very abusive household, my mum was violent as well as verbally / emotionally abusive. Many of my insecurities about myself stem from nasty things she would say to me when she was in one of her rages. She isn't physically abusive now as I am older and would fight back. She is also very loving and generous so I understand how confusing it all is. I find myself distancing since my own children as I can't fathom treating them in the same way. I wouldn't go near her if she was still physically abusive, as much as it would be a grief. Your dad sounds horrific and not good for you at all.

the mental gymnastics of some abusers is really baffling - and it so common for abusive parents to excuse their behaviour by saying someone was an angry baby / toddler

they were just shit parents, but they are not going to say that, right? even to themselves

@Areyounot when your parents will try to gaslight you into thinking you did something to provoke the abuse just ask yourself a question - what would need to happen for YOU to hit your child? what your own child would need to do for you to punch them in the face

And once you'll start thinking about it you'll understand both the terrible scale of abuse you have experienced and the very real danger your father poses to your children

Oh OP. I don’t think for a second you were born angry. No baby is actually angry. They can be distressed or scared or need comfort, but they’re never angry. Given everything else you’ve said about your parents, I’d be pretty confident saying you were not a problem child, they were just rubbish at parenting. All toddlers have tantrums. How do you deal with your child’s? If you are the sort of parent who’d happily punch their pregnant daughter in the face then I’ll guarantee you they would not have handled tantrums well. If you don’t de-escalate a tantrum it just becomes worse. Shouting, hitting, punishing tantrums just increases the behaviour as toddlers cannot process their emotions in the same way as adults are supposed to so it’s incumbent on the adult to control themselves.

Your brother and mum won’t be supportive of you because if they are then that is admitting things are wrong and they may have to nag in their past they’d prefer to ignore.

Great that you’re having therapy to help you deal with things. Don’t be surprised if you find it hard going or difficult to accept. We’re programmed to love our parents and they’re the ones who programme how we interact with other people. If that programming is off then it affects every aspect of our lives and challenging it makes us question the foundations of all our relationships. Sounds dramatic, but it’s a massive part of our life.

Remember everything you’ve accomplished in spite of your parents and if you need to see if something they did was reasonable, just imagine if you would say or do the same thing to your child.

wrote a post and then it bloody disappeared!

Hi OP, HTH here 🌸
Cut them off the lot of them. They are all nasty cunts. It's very sad that you have been treated this way. It won't be easy and you will go through stages of grief and regret.
You have been abused and you are the scapegoat in the family.
Save yourself and your children from further abuse.
You will immediately feel better without them even whilst natural doubts about your decision will crop up. You are a brilliant person, look after number one and your children now.

I cut mine off aged 45. 45 years is a long time to be in the grips of abusers. Take care 🌸

Some people are very sentimental about family relationships, especially if they've had broadly happy ones themselves. On learning that I don't speak to certain members of my family, I've had several friends urging me to make contact with them again and effect a reconciliation. No thank you very much! So if this happens to you @Areyounot , don't be tempted. People say things to me like 'you'll really regret it when they die'. Well, to share a guilty secret, no you don't. It's more like a weight lifted off your shoulders.

I'm not a callous person, really!

What is your husband-to-be like? Is he good to you? Does he know about your dad?

You’re so right @AlexaAdventuress I had an abusive husband and when I left, felt only relieved and when he died suddenly a few years later I felt huge relief and real sense of release.

Me and my DSis also had very dysfunctional childhoods - mainly due to parents repeating poor parenting patterns. I have not cut off my father (mother has died) but me and DSis are more distant and watch carefully to support and protect each other now.

I felt a similar sense of release when my mother died and expect the same when my father finally goes. To feel this way is seen as a huge taboo and so I never speak of it to anyone - apart from my DSis and best friend (who witnessed much of it).

Good to know that others are admitting to this sort of thing @MachineBee It's easier to talk about with the cloak of anonymity offered by the internet. Not the sort of thing you can mention in polite company!

Sometimes this kind of 'conscious uncoupling' does you more good than all the psychotherapy in the world.

was a difficult baby and I’ve been told numerous times that I came out the womb “angry”. Actually so angry in fact, I bit on my own finger and left a blood blister.

Well little children self sooth by putting their hands in their mouths. Maybe your parents weren't comforting you? It's batshit to assume this is indicative of some sort of personality trait.

My mum told me that as a baby I'd throw up for attention when she didn't respond to me crying. It wasn't until I was a mother myself that I thought "hang on, why didn't you respond to me crying?? How do you know it wasn't just that I got so worked up I would puke?".

Also, you are aware that no abusers are abusive 100% of the time right? Can you imagine how exhausting that would be?! Even the psycho killers have nice moments. Your dad shouldn't be let off the hook because he's nice as well as abusive. I can't emphasise that enough.

@MisschiefMaker wow, a baby throwing up out of spite. You got your role assigned to you early on!

What does your partner think? They will be almost able to see both sides a little clearer. Would be interesting to know how they think you should handle it

I have been going over what you have said today in my head, and you are absolutely right. Your reply is incredibly articulated and hits the nail on the head. It’s brought me great comfort today, so thank you x

Yes he is excellent. Kind, supportive and loving. He is also a brilliant father. He has wanted me to cut ties for a while, although he does get on with them. I moved him half way round the world to be with my family when I got pregnant, so my family could be involved (more fool me). So he is isolated here, we are thinking of moving back.

Exactly my problem. My 2 best friends actually have worst families then mine. I have never talked to the about it, although they saw bits through out the years, when I was a teen. I always felt like I didn’t want to burden them with it.

To be able to unloaded to strangers has been extremely comforting.

@Areyounot