Has anybody cut off parents who were cruel and abusive but also loving and generous?

[Areyounot]

I have just had another horrific incident with my Dad just 2 weeks after the previous one.

They never get resolved as my parents will never apologise. They have been extremely loving and generous at times and when we get on, we get on extremely well. They are close to the grandchildren and are doting.

I love them dearly but I also hate how they make me feel. I don’t how much I can cope with. But would the heartbreak of not seeing them again be too much?

They have many instances of violence throughout the years. The last being punched in the mouth when I was pregnant with my much wanted son after a traumatic miscarriage at 12 weeks a few months earlier. I fell and had to go to hospital.

There has been many more instances throughout the years. My father is cruel with words as well as violent, yet he has always been loving at the same time, he has expressed thinly veiled remorse for how he treated me as a child but never an apology.

I really don’t what to do for the best.

Do you know why he's abusive? What was his childhood like? Trauma passes down the generations. Maybe he needs to address his own issues.

OP, the periods of 'lovely parents' are part of the abuse cycle. Have you looked at the Stately Homes thread on MN? It's very insightful as to how abuse thrives.

Please don't assume me your dad would never hurt your child. I'm sorry but that's naive. You need to get him down from the pedestal you have put him on. With you being part of the abuse cycle your child is automatically too and your child is already being impacted even if it's hard to admit.

Going NC is a massive challenge and abusers don't take it well. I suggest you start with going low contact, to see how you feel and to make the process more manageable for you and your child.

What was the latest incident OP?

He would absolutely never ever ever hurt my children. They are his everything and have been since the day they were born. I absolutely would not let my children around my parents if that was the case

He punched his own daughter when pregnant- why do you think he wont harm his grandchildren? If he can physically hit his own daughter, there is every reason to think he'll do it to his grandchildren. Loving parents dont punch their children. This man is a risk to your children and you. He is not loving - do you punch your children and then claim you love them? of course not. Why is it any different for him?

You are not seeing the wood for the trees.
This is not good at all.
Ok, they are loving, but at least your father has a nasty temper, beyond a bit of shouting and gesticulating around. It is very physical. That is 100% not acceptable.
He can change that. He may need some help to do that. But he needs to properly address it.
One of this temper violent rages can end up with you, or your children (yes, your children!) hurt. Or your mother, or siblings.

How can you say he wouldn’t hurt your children? Of course he would. He punches his own child in the mouth. The child he is meant to love and protect more than anyone on Earth. Of course he would hurt your children. You know he hurts children - I presume he hurt you when you were a child?

Sorry are you saying you take children around to your violent can turn at any moment parents...That in itself is very concerning!! Sorry yoy go thru this turbulent not normal relationship but cmon you know it's all fake so kick them out of your life until they change for the good

This. I suspect if he didn’t shower you with money and gifts you wouldn’t even be in touch with him anymore.

He punched you in the face when you were pregnant??? WTactualF!
I cut my mother and stepfather off for the extreme violence in my childhood. Even they wouldn't dare attack me as an adult.
I decided I didn't need mental and physical violence in my life even though I didn't have anyone else.
My adult DS doesn't know what happened to me but he instinctively knows they cannot be trusted and doesn't go there either.
They are wealthy, good reputation in the community, nobody would suspect what they did.
I moved hundreds of miles away. I only have mentally healthy people in my life now.

OP please read the book Children of the Lie. It will help you detach yourself from violent and mentally abusive family members. That book really helped me.

It’s extremely hard to explain but he is not abusive all the time. 90% of the time he is a good person. He is completely different person with his grandchildren, he is loving, kind and would do anything for them. He has readily admitted he loves them then his own children.

I have made it extremely clear that I would never let my parents see my children if they so much as ever shouted at them. I am there with my kids 90% of the time and his behaviour around them has never worried me.

Yes a lot of it stems from his childhood with his dysfunctional parents. His Dad was not a good man and left my dad with an extreme amount of debt and my dad lost a lot of what he worked for in his life.

His mum was disinterested and he was mostly raised my his stern Victorian grandmother. My mum also had a horrific childhood with a mum that was abusive, and didn’t find out her father was till she was in her 60’s.

They are of the generation of “put up and shut up” they don’t talk about feelings or any mental issues.

I thought you were going to say your parents were verbally unkind or shouted at you, but punching you in the mouth while you were pregnant! That's not just abuse it's assault he could be prosecuted for this.
I'm not saying he doesn't love you, but in his mind it's ok to be physically violent with those you love. So loving his grandchildren won't stop him, he probably hits your mum too.

No he actually doesn’t hit my mum. For some reason I’m the one the anger is directed at, I argue back. My mum and brother don’t.

Thank you for all your comments I genuinely do appreciate you taking the time. It’s really opened my eyes to have some outside input.

I have booked a therapy session to come to terms with it all and don’t think his grandchildren should be around them.

Okay. Stay with me a moment.

Even IF he never hits one of your children, what happens the next time he hits you, his designated target? How is that going to hurt your children? Or when he verbally abuses you and they witness it?

Him abusing you DOES hurt them. You are the most important person in their young worlds. If you can’t stand up for yourself, do it for them. Their mother deserves better.

And what you describe is the cycle of abuse. It’s a classic operating pattern of abusers. They CAN’T be abusive all the time, their victims would leave. By love bombing them (the gifts, positive attention, etc) it’s all payment and reward for tolerating abuse. For not reporting them to the police. By giving you hope that the good is who they really are, they keep you trapped.

Where did you get this figure of 90% from or was it basically plucked from thin air?. Denial is also a powerful force.

Your dad had a choice when it came to you and he chose to abuse you and still does. Instead of seeking the necessary help he has merely repeated what was done to him. Your children will be harmed by seeing you as their mum being abused by their grandad.

Abusers are indeed not abusive all the time; if they were then no-one would want to be with them. Their nice/nasty cycle of abuse is a continuous one. Your father for instance is likely to be quite plausible to those in the outside world and it is only behind closed doors that his true nature emerges.

"I have made it extremely clear that I would never let my parents see my children if they so much as ever shouted at them. I am there with my kids 90% of the time and his behaviour around them has never worried me."

They, let alone you here, should not be seeing them at all. He in particular could all too easily give them a mean "look", a pinch. The harm being done to them is being done right in front of your very eyes.

He blames you for all his inherent ills; in his eyes its always someone else's fault and never their own. Your mother and brother have themselves been conditioned by him not to fight back whereas you do. Abuse is about power and control and he wants absolute over you as well.

I hope you have found a therapist who recognises abuse.

OP- this is all very wise and accurate, please read this. Your kids WILL pick up on his treatment of you, even if he physically doesnt harm them. That will be appalling for them to witness and if he hits you again and they see it what will they think and feel? You also cannot say he wont do it to them because he clearly has a lot of pent up rage, acts impulsively/loses his rag and lashes out and on a hair trigger. Therefore, you cannot predict he wont harm them because if he has a flash of anger or they stand up for you to him, he could easily lose his temper and hit them too. Have you ever punched a pregnant relative in the face before?- if the idea of that fills you with utter horror then its no different for him, how on earth can you say he loves you when he did this? He is a cruel, dangerous man and I agree that this is how abusers get away with it. If they were violent 100% of the time, everyone would abandon them and they would likely end up in prison so to mitigate that they manipulate people by acting loving so they can say "see- I'm not a monster, I love you" but they are monsters. There is no other way to describe this kind of horrific behaviour.

OP, my mother is emotionally abusive. When my niece was born, my mother was an absolute angel to her for the first 3 years or so. That was because my niece adored her as a caretaker, still did what my mother wanted and did not yet have her own mind. Didn't really say no. All this changed as soon as she became older and more independent - my mother started to emotionally abuse her from a very young age and my niece couldn't tell what's going on now, unfortunately. In hindsight, I believe my mother actually groomed my niece to be abused as soon as she had ingrained the image of the loving grandmother in her. Abusers are sick and let me tell you it has nothing to do with love in periods when they aren't like that.

With your own father physically abusing you you are likely walking on egg shells because you don't know when will be the next time and what could trigger it. Your children are picking up on this and are affected already.

you're doing something very typical for victims of domestic violence and taking partial blame for his outburst

there may be a reason why your mother and brother dont argue back. maybe they were just as badly abused by your father and learned to avoid beatings? maybe they saw you battered and just took on the safer approach of keeping quiet. either way its not healthy and your children will be met with the same outbursts if they ever argue back or disagree

@Areyounot here is a bit oversharing from someone who is in somewhat similar situation

i have a family member who used to be extremely abusive - both emotionally and physically. Like your father, this person can be very loving and I have no doubt she would rush to protect and help her children

she even apologised for her actions and did a lot of work to improve herself

but she is now surrounded by adults and in her 50s - if she tried to attack her adult child they'd fight back and wouldn't let it slide. I have not a single doubt in my mind that this restrain would not extend to children - she would eventually feel provoked by some of her grandchildren's antics and do the same thing she did to her kids.

your father does not have enough restrain to not punch other adults - while arguably you could punch him right back, cut contact, destroy his public opinion. As an adult you have a lot of power to stop the abuse - your children won't have that and he will abuse them just the same. The only person who can protect them is you, don't fool yourself into sense of security because your father can control himself most of the time. That 10% of time when you're not there can be a lifelong trauma to your kids on top of the awful example him abusing you sets up for them

Yes I agree. So far they missed the majority of it but there will be a time where they will see it I am sure. That is the last thing I ever want to happen.

Its so hard because I do love them so much, I really do. I see them everyday, but it can be like walking on eggshells and in my head i do believe at times it’s my fault.

I am getting married in 6 weeks and the thought of my dad not walking me down the aisle is horrible, but I think now is the time to walk away.

I would certainly not want either of your parents at your wedding at all, let alone having your dad walk you down the aisle. Why does he deserve that?.

what does your fiancé think?

People are programmed to love their parents anyway, no matter how abusive they are.

The abuse you suffered and still do at your fathers hands is not your fault. That is all on him and you’ve basically been conditioned to think that somehow it is your fault.

Abuse like described can go down the generations but it has stopped with you. No one protected you as a child but it has and will stop with you particularly if you do not keep exposing your children to your parents, dad in particular.

Your boundaries here, already skewed by previous abuse and trauma, are being further got at by you seeing your parents every day. why are you seeing them every day?. You’re perhaps still seeking his approval even now. You do not need his approval.

OP, it sounds like you have a lot to unpick. You have been through a lot and most people would need therapy to really see through the fog and detach themselves from the abuse and the parents.

You say you love your parents and only you can know if you really do. I often come across formerly abused children that have done lots of healing and then realise they don't actually love their parents. I am one of them. What I thought was love was just me chasing their love, never getting it because anything they did was attached to conditions. Love never actually developed. This realisation can be painful but also incredibly liberating.

I'm so sorry. You sound like you are completely in the fog and it's not your fault.