Has anybody cut off parents who were cruel and abusive but also loving and generous?

[Areyounot]

I have just had another horrific incident with my Dad just 2 weeks after the previous one.

They never get resolved as my parents will never apologise. They have been extremely loving and generous at times and when we get on, we get on extremely well. They are close to the grandchildren and are doting.

I love them dearly but I also hate how they make me feel. I don’t how much I can cope with. But would the heartbreak of not seeing them again be too much?

They have many instances of violence throughout the years. The last being punched in the mouth when I was pregnant with my much wanted son after a traumatic miscarriage at 12 weeks a few months earlier. I fell and had to go to hospital.

There has been many more instances throughout the years. My father is cruel with words as well as violent, yet he has always been loving at the same time, he has expressed thinly veiled remorse for how he treated me as a child but never an apology.

I really don’t what to do for the best.

I’ll tell you now it was the hardest thing I ever did but for ten years I had to stop all contact with my parents. The reasons been I found out what they were doing was unforgivable and I couldn’t get my head around. For years I couldn’t get pregnant and suffered many miscarriages and was finally offered IVF and help to conceive but what I didn’t know was I was already pregnant. Both my sisters had no problem getting pregnant and carrying to term. Anyway when I finally found out I was pregnant and I got passed five months I started to tell people. I was so happy, I remember showing my parents my scans and they acted very strange and wouldn’t even look at them. I was so hurt because when my sisters are pregnant they were very attentive. I was ignored and if I spoke about my baby they would change the subject. Anyway my midwife started visiting me at home and my middle sister visited out of the blue. I’ll never forget what was said after the midwife left. My sister started crying and what she told me I couldn’t believe. My eldest sister told my parents I’d gone to her house miles away and while visiting her I stolen her scans and she convinced my parents my pregnancy was all fake. I honestly was so hurt and angry how my parents could believe such rubbish. I then decided to confront them all. They totally admitted it all and they never apologised for trying to cause me so much hurt and stress. I’d always been treated differently to my other sisters I was always the families scapegoat and even though I was a straight a student and did everything my parents asked I was regularly beaten and my father tried to strangle me while I was watching tv for no reason, well there was a reason because he hated that I looked like my grandad and hated my face. The only reason why I’m here is because after he put his hands around my throat after a few minutes of fighting him everything went dark and grainy and I blacked out. When I came around I was laid on my bed and apparently the only reason he stopped strangling me was because he thought he was having a heart attack. I’ll never forget when my mum told me to stay out of his way and stay in my bedroom while giving me some sort of tablet that I later found out it was for nerves. I think she give me this to stop me phoning police. For days I was heartbroken and terrified to show my face. Once I could leave home I went because the beatings carried on.
After my son was born I had a terrible accident . My son was six weeks old at that point. I was rushed into hospital but left with nerve in my spine. From hips down I was totally numb. At that point I needed my family more then ever. They weren’t there for me at all. The first day my parents came to look after me and my son. My mum set fire to all the out side of my home. She put her cigarettes out in my hay baskets that were filled with summer bedding plants. It melted all our cameras and lighting plus melted two windows. Then she dragged the baskets inside the house to put them out. There was so much mess. Then my middle sister told me my parents were Putting leaf and stones around the house to see if I was cleaning up and just pretending to have a spinal injury. Again I couldn’t believe what I was hearing they were at my bedside after my sugars they even spoke to my neurosurgeon. I was heartbroken, but I knew that I needed them for personal care and help with my baby but I also knew they weren’t healthy to be around. I knew I needed to distance myself from at least my parents and my eldest sister. Anyway one day I saw something and I knew I needed to act because they were going to also hurt my son. I saw my mum apply cream to my son in a very inappropriate way. My son had very bad eczema and needed creaming and wrapping three times a day. How I saw her apply cream I just couldn’t believe. I won’t go into details. At that point that was the breaking point for me. Plus I knew he’d always be treated differently because he looks just like me with my colouring I knew he’d never be excepted. So I cut my family out of my sons life. It wasn’t easy but the drama stopped overnight.
I talk to them now but still keep my distance. Some people are just not healthy and they do mental damage to you. Sometimes you have to distance these people and it does hurt because you remember how much your parents were your everything when you were younger and how much you loved them. Your parents need to know something’s you will not accept now your a adult. You should not accept violence ever. Stand your ground and tell them if they were hit you again they are out of your life.
you must do this for your self and your children.

Narcissists are all over children while they're at an age to adore the narc. As soon as they hit teen years and start rebelling, that's when they turn on them. Were you about 13 when he started this shit on you? He's a violent bully that erupts when he's challenged. Your children WILL challenge him one day.

www.facebook.com/reel/212003114483481?fs=e&s=TIeQ9V

What does your future husband think?

You need to move away and get away from them.

You say your parents had bad childhoods, now they have given you a bad one too. They sound evil

What about when one day your children are teenagers and argue back? Roll their eyes. Snigger. He will pinch them in the face because you know that is what he does.

OP I'm so sorry - I hope you will get help and be able to read this and see how crazy it is. Your father punched you when you were pregnant. If you, his own daughter, in a vulnerable state can be on the receiving end of that what makes you think your kids are safe?

Please, get yourself some counselling and remove them from your lives.

Update for anyone who is interested.

Spoke to my Brother, who told me to get over it and stop bringing the past up.

Spoke to me my mum and told her I needed a bit of break for a while. She put the phone down on me. I text her, maybe I shouldn’t have done.

Why is it so impossible to have a conversation? Why is everything a drama?

Mum - Really! Look to yourself first 🤣

I have done nothing wrong Mum. Nothing. I am sick of the narrative that it’s always me. I just said to have a break for a while, that’s it. The fact you felt the need to put a laughing emoji is quite shocking.

Mum - Get over it

There’s no talking to you at all. It’s like you have blinkers on. I’ll leave it there.

I just feel guilty and sad. I’m booked on for therapy on Tuesday, so hopefully that will give me some clarity.

Thanks for taking the time to reply to my original post.

At risk of sounding like I'm lacking in empathy, the more you interact with them the more tools you give them to run their intrusion programmes on you. Conciliatory texts, phone calls to check they're alright, conversations with siblings about bringing the past up and so on are all grist to their mill and give them more stuff to destabilize you.

I get along best with relatives I never speak to!

What's interesting about this text exchange is that you don't actually specify the problem. To you, it seems so obvious.

Personally, I'd send an email saying that I've realised that being regularly physically assaulted by the people who are supposed to love me the most is abuse, and I need to protect myself and my children. And then go NC.

But I do fully appreciate how hard it is.

I can’t tell you how heartbreaking it is to read your posts OP.

I had a similar situation. My dad was abusive to my mom, one night when I was 11 I stepped in to offer my body as some kind of physical blockade so he wouldn’t hit her again, he pushed me out the way and I just remember banging my head and the pain, and then nothing else. Following that incident there was many others, locking me in the garage, punching me in the vagina when I started my period, and making me withdraw all my student loan so he could have it. But then there were other times when he would come and pick me up from the next city along after a night out. He would come to all my sports matches, and always pick me up from work. He was everyone’s friend, and when he died, people were crowding outside the chapel of rest. But he was abusive, he bullied my brother and physically assaulted me and my mom. When he died I was feeling everything all at once, grief, relief, heartbreak, loss and delight. It was a head spin and I’ve been very unwell for years.
Therapy is essential but so is cutting contact. Those types of people cannot be in your life and you be happy, it’s just not possible.

listen therapy is a good place to start. It will see it from all view points which is important.
I was told by my therapist that my family treat me has their scapegoat. It actually made sense no matter what was happening it always came back to me. I just didn’t see it at the time, but having the input made me see things in a total different light. Plus I’d do anything to be loved by them I was constantly seeking their approval and wanted them to be proud of me but no matter what I achieved they drained me in every way emotionally , physically, mentally and financially. They expected me to buy their love with expensive gifts and sadly I did yet my other sisters spent very little but they would make such a big deal from their gifts. One day it finally clicked I was been used by my whole family. It’s the hardest thing to do to be real with yourself and tell yourself the truth that you’ve been hiding for years.
I decided to cut all communications with my parents and it was hard but I needed to protect my son and myself from mental and physical abuse.
The only reason I let them back in is bacause my mum has a stroke. I felt so guilty so I gradually started speaking to them again, but they’ve not changed and she is constantly talking behind my back about me to my sister’s which is very hurtful and when I hear what she says again I cut her out of my life. The last thing she said was I can’t possibly have a autoimmune disease(lupus) because people with them diseases are painfully skinny. My sister told me this I couldn’t believe yet again. Few days before this I’d just been told that my own immunity was attacking my organs and joints I was very hurt upset and angry that she’d not learned by me cutting them off. I also found out she was saying insulting comments about my son because in lockdown he’d put weigh on. They seem to hate anyone over weight. Both my parents are extremely vein and call everyone’s imperfections out that they see including calling their own daughter a freak at the age of 14 , why ? Because she was a gymnast, dancer and swimmer and I had a small rounded bust but because I had a hour glass figure I was told I didn’t look right at that age she took me to doctors and insisted I have tests because my sisters were both a E cup and I was a B. They then found out I had PCOD and my hormones weren’t right. Then at 15 they sent me for a boob job lucky the surgeon refused until I was 18 yrs old. I went through with the surgery but I really didn’t want it. I was forced into it right from a early age. After my surgery my natural boobs grow anyway. After my surgery my mum told everyone and expected me to show everyone like I was a piece of meat. I’d had enough and brought my first home, it was my best move ever.
now I won’t tolerate their behaviour and walk away and don’t contact them, if they phone me I’ll won’t return any calls until I’m ready.
The only reason I do speak to them is because I know one day they’ll pass away and I don’t want to feel guilty for me keeping them out of my life. Plus I hoped that they’d respect me and change how they are but unfortunately they don’t.
recently my dad became Ill and my eldest sister went down to care for them even though she’d also that day lost her loving kind father-in-law. She stayed down their doing every aspect of care for them. After a few weeks she went back home and my mum phoned me up and started calling my sister for over managing their life and she couldn’t wait for her to leave. My sister was due to go back down a week later and they told her to stay at home they didn’t need her. After hearing how ungrateful I didn’t offer to help and wasn’t going to put myself out and have them backstabbing me yet again, so I stayed away. My mum thinks she can speak her truth and people should just accept it. These sort of people don’t take other views into consideration and they just push their narrative all the time yet their story keeps changing to make them the victim. I don’t let her anymore twist and lie when she’s going over the passed. She’ll say how she did her very best for us which is probably true upto around 8 years old for me but after that thing’s totally changed unless I just started seeing the way she and my dad treated people and understanding it more because I was older. I remember thinking up to that age my mum and dad was the best and I loved them so much. That’s why it’s difficult now because you do remember the good time’s the family holidays like summer and Christmas when we spent two weeks together and they were such good times but then it all changed I think I blocked out the abuse and terrible fights. I remember my much older sister on many occasions keeping us upstairs while my parents were fighting. I remember once thinking my mum had been badly hurt and we ran downstairs and we couldn’t believe what we walked in on. My mum had porridge oats in her hands and flour and she was throwing them everywhere. Then followed my jam and anything else she could grab and throw. I remember seeing jam dripping from ceiling. My dad finally restrained her and stopped her. This happened because she got home from a nightshirt and the kitchen was a mess and my dad had not put away breakfast cereal and washed bowels. I remember her saying if you want to live in a pigsty I’ll make one for you. I thought she’d gone mad. I remember my dad getting me ready for school 10 mintiest later. I remember feeling so worried what would happen once we felt. The next morning mum came home from work and she started brushing our hair. We had lovely long hair and because my middle sister started crying about mum hurting her I remember my mum hit us all and told us when we got home she was cutting our hair short. That evening she cut our hair so short in a Paige boy style I was heartbroken it didn’t suit me, She did it simply so she didn’t have to brush our hair it was one less hassle even though we were all good at brushing our own hair.
no parent are perfect but some don’t even try. I’ve done everything to support my son but I’ve made mistakes as well, which I’m now trying to rectify. He’s grownup entitled and spoiled now he’s got to learn if you want things they have to be earned either through actions or work. Because of my childhood I’ve been the total opposite of my parents. I didn’t want to repeat the cycle of abuse.
All we can do is our very best but some parents don’t even try and show unconditional love and care and they open their children to such serious trauma that has a lifetime effect.
I really wish you all the best with therapy and hope it helps you I know it will be draining but it will help you see it from many perspectives. It helped me grow-up and understand I was no longer their youngest daughter that I was adult and needed to be respected and treated so much better. If not I’ll walk away, they still have very little to do with my son because I won’t allow them to hurt him with their awful comments. Plus how different each grandchild is treated. They have two favourite grandchildren and everyone else gets£20 at Christmas and birthdays but the two favourites get £100 upwards and they are constantly giving them extra. My son rarely gets anything last Christmas they never sent him anything and they didn’t send him a birthday card either. I don’t care because he is my son and I make sure he gets everything he needs but when they can’t be bothered to send him a card to me shows you their true feelings about our little family. So now I’ve stopped sending them cards. When I got engaged they never brought me anything and then the same when I got married and every Christmas and birthday I never got a card or a present. Yet they always asked for expensive presents, I found out my mum said it’s easy for Nina they can afford it. When I got married I ended up buying my mum her wedding outfit and shoes and my dads suit. I even brought my sisters outfit for wedding and she didn’t even show up until night reception. Again I thought we were close but actually we weren’t, because once I stopped sending mega expensive presents and giving her money I rarely heard from them. Once her children reached 21 I stopped sending expensive gifts and sent cards, then I was told a few years ago to stop sending cards which I thought was hurtful. The reason why I stopped because I was spending around a £120O at Christmas on a family of 7 and my son got £10 then one Christmas I’d got the flu I felt so Ill and I had to go out and get their presents. Christmas morning came and I thought her children would be so happy with what I’d bought them. I got a phone call from my sister telling me id ruined their Christmas and that her 16 yr old daughter hadn’t stopped crying all morning. Reason I’d brought the wrong skates she wanted retro skates not inline skates. My sister was so angry with me while I’m throwing up in a bucket. I told her not to worry I can change them easily id saved the receipts. She said it wasn’t the point and slammed the phone down. I remember coming off the phone and crying. I couldn’t believe my sister been that way. My son was grateful for every present and he always wrote thank you letters to thank for gifts. My husband at that point said Nina remember this I tell you everytime they aren’t grateful and expect everything from you like you owe them and they have a right. He was very right. Following April my mum asked me for one pear tree that you plant in a pot for the patio they are miniature I bought her one pear from us and one apple from my son, they were £156 within weeks my middle sister phoned me and told me my mum had brought the trees upto her house and tried to give them her. My sister told my mum she knew they were a gift from me and didn’t feel right taking them, so instead my mum give them to my sisters next door neighbour. I honestly was very hurt yet again and decided that was it . No more I was done. Why ask for two beautiful plants and then give them away? To me it’s all about hurting me. So now at Christmas and birthday I now stock their freezers up that is my gift to them. I don’t by them presents anymore because they don’t appreciate them. She even has told me that when my other sisters buy her chocolates and other things she takes them to charity shops and also takes biscuits and cakes to retirement village.
I honestly struggle to understand this. I’ve stopped even trying now.
all I know when they do pass away I’ve done everything I possibly could for them I really tried to be a good daughter.
she told my sister that when I sent £340 worth of shopping at Christmas let’s be honest Nina can afford it otherwise she wouldn’t do it. Not what a lovely gift, I send them this instead of them having to go out shopping in Christmas rush. I make sure they have some lovely meals in and treats to enjoy and even drink for the two of them it’s always delivered on 23rd of December and early April for Easter. It stocks them up because they live at the coast and live a five hour drive from me.
i really wish you the best I really feel for you because it’s such a hard decision to make especially if you have children.
all the best x

Jesus Christ woman he punched you in the face and I suspect it’s not the only time he’s assaulted you
What would you do if a stranger did that? This is really not ok and letting him anywhere near your children is a very bad idea.
These are violent abusive people and don’t deserve to be parents or grandparents

Not sure if anyone else has asked this, but when you went to the hospital after your Dad punched you, presumably you lied about how it had happened?

In other words, you have been manipulated into colluding with your own abuse. Your parents are sick people, you cannot help them, but you can and are helping yourself 💪💪.

You certainly don't want your father walking you down the aisle. Far too much unpleasant symbolism in your case

It will probably take a lot of work to "regrow" yourself into your own shape, out from their influence, but it's clear you have always been a fighter. And you have taken the incredibly important first steps into your new life 💐💐💐💐

When they say 'look at you'. What do they mean? What are they saying you are like?
Obviously 2 sides to every story.

Summerloving this sounds like classic scapegoating. They may even genuinely believe she deserves to be hit. She didn't. These people sound very toxic indeed.

Similar childhood here.

However you are completely at fault with allowing two abusers access to your children. There are no excuses such as "but he loves them! He loves them more than he loves us!" So what. You don't love someone you abuse. You allowing those two violent, evil bullies into your children's lives are unforgivable. Your children are not responsible for your need to please your parents. They are not gifts to be given to abusers. Revoke their access. Your children aren't stupid. If they haven't seen the truth so far they will before too long.

It's so hard, but i don't think there's any point in trying to have conversations with these people. I can understand that it is natural to want to resolve things, but it won't happen with them. There is never going to be a point where your dad suddenly has a change of heart, admits his wrong-doings and never punches you in the face (ffs) again. Set your boundaries with them. Use your therapy to work this through.

I'm so sorry you are in an abusive relationship with your Dad.

You say he's loving 90% of the time. Imagine your favourite drink, let's say a glass of red wine for argument. Just before you drink it I add a teaspoon of urine to it. Do you drink it? No? Why not? Because that small amount of urine has contaminated the whole glass. It look fine, maybe even taste fine but you know it's been contaminated

It's exactly the same in your relationship - no amount of love or generosity takes away the abuse/contamination.

p.s. you don't need permission or agreement from anybody to step away

Yes your right I lied. I am honestly taking comfort from your words. Thank you x

That’s a great analogy. Thank you

What was the latest thing he did? And what did he do two weeks before that?

In all honestly not great. I was a difficult baby and I’ve been told numerous times that I came out the womb “angry”. Actually so angry in fact, I bit on my own finger and left a blood blister.
Then I was a difficult toddler who had tantrums frequently and never did as she was told. I had a lot of troubles throughout my teens, I struggled at school. The thing is I don’t know how much of that is me or how much is my upbringing. I am emotional person and I do harbour resentments from the past. Especially since I have had my own children, as I can’t believe I was treated at times the way I was. I don’t bring this up as I see no point, it ends up in argument about how ungrateful I was and I should be grateful I had a roof over my head.

But I am a fantastic mother and partner, I run my own business, own 2 houses and have a degree. I volunteer at charity’s, I am on the PTA and I am active in my community. I like a nice laid back life. Other then that I don’t how I’m perceived by them.

You have a lot to resent OP. A lot.

It seems you were (retrospectively?) scapegoated from birth. These are their stories, remember, you ony have their word for what you were actually like and how they responded to you.

You are perceived by them in a way that helps them live with their awful, entirely unjustifiable behaviour. It is obviously nothing at all to do with who you actually are, it is just a story they are projecting on to you, for their own reasons. In other words they need to you be "bad" because otherwise, they would have to face the fact that its them who are bad , in reality. And they don't want to do that, do they?

And you cannot make them see it, their need to believe their own wicked stories is far more powerful than the facts.

He criticised my parenting a couple of weeks ago over my daughter having an incident in the playground with another child. I was more stern that I ever have been (not shouting in anyway) but letting her know I was disappointed and he told me I was taking it to far. I retorted with “your one to talk” that did not go down well.

This incident was my mum calling my toddler something I thought was inappropriate. I called them out on it. It ended with dad putting his hands over his ears and saying lalala I don’t want to hear it.

Writing this down I know how messed up it up it sounds.

Putting his hands over his ears when you are saying something he doesn't want to hear is childish, I get the impression he cannot manage his own emotions and lashes out like a child might.

The violence you've described is inexcusable and as you grew up seemed 'normal'. It isn't. Find people outside your family to discuss these issues to get an outside perspective.
It took me years to realise that the violence I suffered at the hands of my parents wasn't normal. I walked away in the end.