Found out FIL donated sperm 30-40 times, feeling unsettled

[SleepBetter]

My OH recently found out that many decades ago, before he was born, his dad donated sperm... possible 30-40 times, and never told OH. He was young and it was a way of earning extra cash. We found out because someone has been in touch claiming to be one of the donor-conceived children.

This has really unsettled me. I think sperm donation is a very generous thing to do if you've thought it through carefully, but 30 times for cash is unethical. I can see current rules are that sperm from one person can't be donated to more than 10 families, but I don't know what the rules were back then.

I am currently pregnant with our first baby. I'm upset to think OH could be one of a large number of genetic siblings, and that our baby could have a large number of half-cousins. They will never know if someone they meet could be a genetic relative.

I'm just struggling to get my head around it all. How would you feel? Am I over-reacting? Conscious pregnancy hormones might also be playing a role.

Well it is quite weird!

I doubt there were any rules back then, or anyone thought about it. But, you know it’s happened so if your kids are worried about marrying half cousins, they can test for it.

Forget about it - and congratulations

If you were talking about the Hapsburgs you might have a point. It's ridiculous to calll the RF 'inbred.'

How old are you?

And have you heard of DNA testing?

I think If you’re a person who’s been brought up in a blended family with half siblings etc then it won’t bother you as much. But If you’re used to a traditional 2 parent family situation and therefore hold linear family trees in high regard then it’s bound to effect you.
my father was adopted, his parents went on to marry and had 3 other children. It turns out my dads first sexual experience was with his cousin (unbeknown to him!) and my sister also had a sexual experience with a cousin (again unknowingly)
none of this was discovered until I got an ancestry dna test and it unravelled from there.
my husband also keeps a secret that his grandfather has another daughter the same age as his daughter with his wife, from an affair he had. Again discovered on an ancestry dna test.
so yes OP I get why you’re uncomfortable and would rather not have a FIL who has potentially hundreds of children.

Literally nothing to do with you

I agree to an extent but donating a few eggs is different to donating millions of sperm.
The people born from your eggs will still think of you regardless of whether you see them as family or not. It’s highly likely they will think of you as a mother figure In some way and will want to meet you one day out of curiosity. The same as an adopted child.
Also just because someone is born via ivf, doesn’t mean they’ll have perfect parents or a perfect happy childhood, and even if they do have the perfect childhood, it doesn’t mean they won’t want to meet you or know where they came from.
im speaking through experience with adoption/ivf and various different scenarios that played out as a result.

When I was at University in the 1990’s there were posters on the wall of the student union promising cash for sperm at the local hospital or clinic or unit or whatever it was.

The amound of sperm being donated, how much of it was actually used, how many relatives/half-siblings it ended up creating.

It's cases like this abusive doctor that causes the rules on the maximum number of donations to be introduced.

The doctor in that documentary abused his powers as the victims clearly didn't realise that they were not using random donated sperm but the sperm of the doctor himself.

Thought it was forbidden to donate that many times! I think he is bullshitting you

Yeah I absolutely understand a child wanting to know where they come from, wondering where they got their curly hair from, etc. I'd be more than happy to meet any potential child from my donation and I do hope that they have a great life, but I'd never consider them my child or family. I'm able to find out if any babies resulted from my donation and their sex if I want to. And I probably will throughout the years wonder about them, but ai still wouldn't think of them as mine in any way.

My parents foster and have fostered my "brother" and "sister" for 8 years. I also have a step-daughter who I treat as I would my own child. So maybe that's why I see family differently.

And this is the problem with assigning weight to 'feelings', they are unreliable and often unreasonable and irrational.

Not to mention dumping a load of anxiety onto the kids growing up, which is uncecessary give how unlikely it would be and the distance in biological link.

OP's DH has half-siblings conceived via sperm donor (share the same dad). Their children would be DH's nieces and nephews. That means they are DH's children's first cousins. I don't care if it's legal to have sex with and marry your first cousin. It is gross.

I'm very sceptical of this - donations older than 2005 are confidential, so how did he get tracked down?

I’m so glad the rules around donation are more strict now. I also think the modern ability to trace biological family and donation not being anonymous will mean hopefully this doesn’t happen so much anymore.

I think it is unlikely your child will meet someone born of the donation. However maybe the suggestions for FIL to contact the relevant organisation and find out how many children were born as a result of his donations might be helpful for your DH. Clearly if he has had contact from one, there is potential for more.

I think you’re fine to have feelings about the impact of donation on your child, but the likelihood of them ending up in a relationship with a biological family member is probably still low. I guess that’s a possibility for people outside of donation anyway to some extent.

They're not full first cousins for a start and its no incest. You sound slightly obsessed

However OP hasnt been back so its probably a load of rubbish.

It is legal in the UK to marry a cousin. So whilst I get it unsettling I don't think you need to worry too much about your baby inadvertently procreating with a half cousin many years from now. They will only share approx 6.25% of their DNA, as opposed to eg 12.5% for first cousins and 50% for siblings.

Don't make this about you and create unnecessary drama. This is about your OH.

Nobody said incest was ok.

And you are purposely making things up to try and have point.

I would say that your FIL and other young men were subject to unethical practice, they didn't know or understand that improvements in technolgy and science may alter the perception of this . They just thought they were doing a good thing helping childless couples and got paid as well. It was totally anonymous back then too and mostly students did it . I feel sorry for him as well as the rest of the family .

Yes unsettling but I would try to forget about it. From a health perspective the "inbreeding" situation is predominantly where cousin marriage is practiced for generations as is common in certain cultures.

Your parent's nieces/nephews are your first cousins. I'm not 'obsessed' I'm just stating facts. OP may be worried that her child might unknowingly have sex and children with their first cousin and that's an understandable worry. I personally think sex with your first cousin is incest and gross. You're obviously OK with this degree of incest. We will have to agree to disagree.

Closed adoption and sperm/egg donation increase the risk of siblings dating siblings or cousins dating cousins.

Its not incest and they're not full first cousins as I said.

YANBU - I worried about something sort of similar growing up. I didn't know my father and I had an irrational worry I would accidently end up with a sibling of mine! I know your baby won't end up with their sibling but it would worry me too.

Try not to think about it though. It must be a whirl wind for your DH to find that would. I was thrown enough by the few siblings I have found out about.

I'd feel exactly the same, unfortunately I think many young people will donate without thinking about the consequences. I actually asked my husband if he had ever donated as it was an easy way to make money years ago. He said absolutely not as he had thought through the consequences/impact on his own future children. Its funny I'm seeing this from the other side now as my friend is trying for a baby with her wife, I actually asked her how she felt about the father of her child potentially being a uni student after beer money donating and not really thinking it through/regretting it when someone knocks on his door in 18 years, she replied she didn't care and just wanted his sperm!

Your child could get with a blood relative and not know, it's a very real concern.

Exactly.

The typical citizen whose family origin in the UK goes back two centuries has 193,000 living cousins who are sixth cousins or closer and share a common ancestor born in the last 200 years. That means that there is a 1:300 chance that a total stranger is your cousin. If you walk across Britain, you will find around two cousins per square miles; if you commute by bus in London you will ride with a cousin on one in four bus journeys. (Figures nicked from Ancestry website).

So I wouldn't get too worked up about half cousins, to be honest.