Found out FIL donated sperm 30-40 times, feeling unsettled

[SleepBetter]

My OH recently found out that many decades ago, before he was born, his dad donated sperm... possible 30-40 times, and never told OH. He was young and it was a way of earning extra cash. We found out because someone has been in touch claiming to be one of the donor-conceived children.

This has really unsettled me. I think sperm donation is a very generous thing to do if you've thought it through carefully, but 30 times for cash is unethical. I can see current rules are that sperm from one person can't be donated to more than 10 families, but I don't know what the rules were back then.

I am currently pregnant with our first baby. I'm upset to think OH could be one of a large number of genetic siblings, and that our baby could have a large number of half-cousins. They will never know if someone they meet could be a genetic relative.

I'm just struggling to get my head around it all. How would you feel? Am I over-reacting? Conscious pregnancy hormones might also be playing a role.

There's more to family than genetic and I think it's silly to think of any donor kids as family.

I've donated my eggs before I would never think of any children born from my donation as my family. I'm just glad that I've potentially been able to give someone else a family.

Don't become one of those pregnant woman who makes everything about her.

I can see why you're concerned, but as others have said, the risk is so very low that your children would meet and have children with a half-cousin. Pregnancy hormones could really magnify the risk.

Must be very disconcerting for your husband to think he may have so many half-siblings. Can your father in law contact the clinic to find out how many births there were? And is there a register he can go onto in case a child of his wants to contact him?

They're probably from Walton's Mountain

This.

No, that isn't how inbreeding happens. I can see how, theoretically, it could be. But statistically, people marrying or having children with close relatives is almost always something that happens in the context of knowledge. It's cousins marrying cousins in contexts where this is normalised, or (sorry to say) it's abuse by relatives.

It is far, far, far, far more rare for people to unknowingly meet genetic siblings or cousins and end up in relationships with them. I do get why it's a real worry, in a changing world, but I think it's really important to get the facts right.

Thanks for those who posted empathetic replies. I'm going to un-watch this thread now there is a consensus as I feel there is a bit of unnecessary MN bashing going on. I'll take on board the comments and leave it there.

Did he donate in the same area in which you now live?

I agree that you’re allowed your own feelings and to work through them. You’re not “dumping in” by leaning on your DH and his parents, you’re “dumping out” by sharing them here and that’s fine.

Did all this happen in the UK? If so, and if FIL wants to find out how many children were born as a result of his donations, he could try writing to the HFEA. They might not have any information dating back that far, as laws on donor anonymity were different back then, but it’s worth asking.

By the way, donating 40 times is very unlikely to have resulted in 30+ children. Some donors don’t actually father any children as a result of their donations, and many only father one or two.

And is there a register he can go onto in case a child of his wants to contact him?

It sounds as though there is:

https://www.hfea.gov.uk/donation/donors/rules-around-releasing-donor-information/

Yes I think I'd do this too.

My DH donated sperm 8-10 times in the 1980s after Mary Warnock gave a talk on the massive shortage of sperm donors for couples who wanted to go through IVF and needed donations. I’ve never thought it was anything but a good thing. However, there were careful parameters around it including on the number of times you could donate to exclude as far as possible the possibility of half-siblings unwittingly meeting and having their own children. It’s a risk that reputable clinics are very aware of.

As John McEnroe would say ‘You cannot be serious’ 🙄

Massive overreaction. In my day all of the guys at uni donated prolifically as it was how they got their drinking money🤣. Not aware of any issues.

You are totally overreacting, possibly hormones as you are pregnant.

This. I can't believe people are saying you're overreacting!! There's a reason they don't allow this in professional clinics. Ew and ew. My only advice would be, it's can't be undone but yes it will be something your children will need to consider when they are older

Was he at university? I think it was much more common in the early days, especially amongst science/medical students. My university still has a poster up looking for donors, though obviously with more strict guidelines now.

You should be afforded your feelings, which could be strong and very personal.
As long as you keep your children informed of the liklihood that they could date a biological cousin there is nothing else you can do. Don't leave your children ignorant.
They might want to ask if their partners are a result of donor sperm before they become truly invested.

You could talk about what would happen should a donor sperm sibling contact your family. There is no legal reason to socialise or communicate in any way. It is your decision.

Have a look at "Our Father" on Netflix an extreme example but useful to see something regarding this kind of thing

Actually very likely if you can do basic maths, not to mention that's how many times he's donated, not how many inseminations/conceptions there were

YANBU! I'd worry about my child accidentally sleeping with a first cousin whose parent was conceived via sperm donor. Many might not know they were conceived via sperm donor or they might not share this info with their children.

People in this thread might not think there's anything wrong with having sex with cousins but the idea of it makes me feel ill.

I think in your shoes I’d be surprised at this knowledge but I think to have “emotions”about it is overreacting. I thought it was all anonymous back then.

@Laurdo I agree with you!
OP you're fully entitled to feel how you feel, but FIL wouldn't have been the only person to have done this, I have donated eggs, never even for one minute consider it other than being a generous gesture.
For those saying "ew"...... consider the joy this man has brought into peoples lives

Watch this and then decide if you feel the same "Our Father" on Netflix

Is that one about ten doctor who used his own sperm without the woman’s knowledge or consent.

That’s nowhere near the same situation.