Found out FIL donated sperm 30-40 times, feeling unsettled

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My OH recently found out that many decades ago, before he was born, his dad donated sperm... possible 30-40 times, and never told OH. He was young and it was a way of earning extra cash. We found out because someone has been in touch claiming to be one of the donor-conceived children.

This has really unsettled me. I think sperm donation is a very generous thing to do if you've thought it through carefully, but 30 times for cash is unethical. I can see current rules are that sperm from one person can't be donated to more than 10 families, but I don't know what the rules were back then.

I am currently pregnant with our first baby. I'm upset to think OH could be one of a large number of genetic siblings, and that our baby could have a large number of half-cousins. They will never know if someone they meet could be a genetic relative.

I'm just struggling to get my head around it all. How would you feel? Am I over-reacting? Conscious pregnancy hormones might also be playing a role.

I've seen it, he was a doctor.....totally totally different situation!

Firstly you can marry your cousin, it’s siblings that are an issue. Pre contraception many men would have fathered children that were thought to be someone else’s. But this wouldn’t even be that close because the age gaps don’t line up.

That's why I said it was extreme. What I found surprising was just how many kids and all the interlinks. So 40 samples, could statistically lead to many children and some of these children meeting. Very easily. That's exactly why it's controlled and limited in any professional setting now.

No, it’s not even an extreme version.

It’s not similar on the slightest. A doctor using his own sperm countless times to produce at least 90 children is not the same as a donor donating 40 times.

You do realise the doctor didn’t just do this once per birth don’t you?

and I can not understand why you told someone who donated eggs that they should watch this. Where’s the connection?

Over-reacting just a tad, but it's not unreasonable to acknowledge that this is a significant revelation with real practical consequences. Being emotionally unsettled by it is less reasonable and possibly due to pregnancy hormones as you are subconsciously realising that this information will affect your own dc in the fuand you instinctively want to protect your dc.

Having donated 30-40 times doesn't necessarily mean that there are large numbers of half-siblings out there. The success rates for ivf back when these donations were made were tiny, and I don't know but I would guess that sperm storage methods were probably also less well developed and less successful, so the vast majority of that donated sperm will have been used in events that did not lead to a successful pregnancy.

Logically if this person has managed to track FIL down, there must be records. FIL could theoretically make enquiries just to find our how many live births his donations contributed to. The answer may be surprisingly small, though there's a huge range of possible numbers.

In terms of practical consequences, when your dc are old enough that they might start reproducing they need to be aware that for any random person they have met, there's a chance they might be cousins. The real probability is going to be so low that it's not really worth worrying about but if they want to they can choose to have genetic tests done to verify that they aren't cousins before deliberately reproducing, or they may be fine to just live their lives without such precautions - which wouldn't be unreasonable either given that the probabilities are so low.

My in laws are first cousins, it’s not illegal in the UK.

Ick to all the 'incest is ok' comments, just because it's legal, doesn't make it ok! You only need to look at the Royal Family to know that inbreeding is bad. OP has every right to be upset, I would be too if I had sex with my cousin 🤮

I think that you have a perfect right to your feelings and to the need to process them. I would be freaked out too. But that doesn't mean either of us is reasonable! Feelings often aren't.

I was talking about uncontrolled and untracked sperm donation and the statistics of meeting a relative and not knowing it.

Who said incest was ok?

The ops unborn child is unlikely to be having sex with their cousin.

Who in the royal family has committed incest?

You do realise there’s a slim chance you are distantly related to anyone you meet?

Do you recoil in the same when a person is adopted? They could meet a close relative as well.

I suspect these donations were made in the days of total anonymity and an ongoing expectation thereof. Modern DNA testing has of course completely changed that (and not getting tested yourself is no guarantee of links not being made, as they can be inferred from other relatives).

Unlike your FIL, I've long known that my father was a donor, with my mother's agreement as her obstetrician was heavily involved in infertility research. They were increasingly worried as DNA testing started becoming so common as they didn't want to be contacted; that wasn't the deal.

Some years ago now I was contacted so I know I have at least 3 or 4 half-siblings. My father had already died, and I postponed following up on it as my mother was planning to move back to the UK where we'd relocated. That move has now happened so maybe one day I will reach out; not sure!

It was a very common thing for students to do years ago to make money.

However, for very good reasons that practice has stopped. Like adoption, the emphasis is no longer on the childless couple but on the resulting child, and the impact of the fact they have come from donor sperm may have on them. That is why sperm donation can no longer be anonymous so the resulting child (when 18) can be given the donor’s details

Queen Victoria?? I know my relatives pretty far back so I'm unlikely to be having sex with any cousins. But if I did, I wouldn't be thrilled about it. I don't think being adopted is quite the same, but yes, cousins having sex does make me recoil no matter the situation 🤷‍♀️

You have had a shock ,and need time to process your perfectly valid feelings.Newly pregnant ,and you find out there may be many half cousins around! Bear in mind that when FIL was young IVF was still fairly new.They may not have had success in all 30 cases.The chances of your DC meeting,marrying and having DC by one is very very small. FIL was just answering a call ,and this was the case back then.I would try to enjoy your pregnancy, and new born babe and not worry about something that may or may not happen in the future

I’d feel a bit freaked out by this too. I would also be freaked out if I had donated on the assumption of anonymity and then the law changed.

My lovely friend donated a lot as a student because he felt sorry for the infertile couples - there was quite a stigma. He didn't want his own children & memorably he was proud that his sperm could apparently stand up to liquid nitrogen!

The success rate was very, very low at this time, heartbreaking for the couples involved.

And from an ethical point of view remember it was a different time. Lots more adoption of young babies due to pressure on single, young women to give up their babies for 'a better life' with wealthier, older couples. The importance of parental rights was often ignored in favour of economics and resources.

It truly was different times but interesting to look back on particularly since today surrogacy appears to be on the rise.

Another thought geography - my sperm donating friend was a student temporarily living in London, the infertile couples would travel in from all over the country to the specialist hospitals. It wasn't taking place in a small local town.

I know someone who was adopted in their (small) home town. One parent was the youngest of 12, and those 12 all went on to have at least 4 children of their own, one had 15! My friend found out years later that he had hundreds of biological family in the same small home town, yet he had never had a relationship, or indeed met, any of them. It is impossible to predict.

Almost 200 years ago? Really.

No? You don’t know all your relatives very far back. I have extensive family trees on both sides.

However, illegitimate children have always been a huge thing. How on earth would you know if any or all of your male relatives was a serial cheater and fathered other children.

How is adoption not similar? The person adopted wouldn’t know their biological family. Your problem is that people may accidentally end up in relationships with a cousin. Adoptees have no way of knowing if people are part of their biological family.

But then, actually non of us do.

They wouldn't be a first cousin.

And in any case, the genetic risk is from multiple generations of first cousin breeding, not a one off instance. This was the reason for issues in the royal families of Europe and the reason for issues in cultures where this is the norm.

A one off first cousin relationship would be highly unlikely to lead to genetic issues.

If you don't think that this is going to be a problem in future years, take a look at the Netflix documentary called "Our Father" and read this article:

Your logic is totally flawed. But nevermind, I'm just not into incest and not interested in arguing about it. You won't convince me it's ok, it actually makes me feel ill 🤢

What on earth does an abusive doctor have to do with this story of couples gratefully accepting donations from a young man in full knowledge of the facts.

The only way this would be an actual problem for you OP is if you were donor conceived.

Cousin marriage is legal in the UK, and as a one-off in otherwise unconnected families it's very low risk - it gets risky when families repeat it. And this would be half-cousins not cousins - maybe not even that, depending on how much older your DH's half-siblings are.

Concentrate about supporting your DH, who might legitimately have complicated emotions about this situation.

If you are of a similar age to your DH and this was well before his birth, then it’s unlikely that you as a couple are secret half siblings.

I’m guessing the timing makes it unlikely that your parents could be DH’s half siblings either.

So you are already looking at ‘half cousin of future baby’ as the nearest possible relationship.

It’s not going to be a problem for the baby. It’s your DH who needs to get used to the idea of older half siblings.