Boyfriend won’t say he loves me

[hargreavespicnic]

Hi,
I feel very rotten. I’m starting to check out of my relationship and feel bad about it, but I think I have put my finger on why.

I’m divorced (with kids) and dating a man in the same situation. He was a friend before and we’ve known each other well for many years. We started dating over a year ago, but because of schedules have taken it slowly seeing each other about once a week. I was really falling for him at the start but he’s been very reserved and so I have pulled back. The relationship has been a dream: we click, share interests, the sex is great, but it recently feels less ‘clicky’ because I feel hesitant about investing in these things in case we don’t stay together.

I think it really hurts my feelings that after a year he won’t say he loves me. It makes me feel quite awful. Things have been loving and lovely so why doesn’t he say it? When I ask if he’s happy he says yes, he wants to stay together. I don’t want to broach it with him as he shouldn’t feel forced to say it. But would this upset you?

Do you say "I love you" to him? If so, how does he react?

I would be wondering but if it bothered me like it does you, I'd ask for clarity.

Have you said it to him? If so, what was his response?

I once said it spontaneously about five months in and he said ‘do you?!’ in quite an insensitive way. Haven’t said it again.

You can enjoy being with a person and be very fond of them without being in love with them. If he reacted like that to you saying I love you, that might be the situation here.

I think you need clarity here - if you are in love with him and he isn’t with you then you may need to call it.

Yes. I could even take that situation, but I feel myself fading from it emotionally. There’s just not that much in it for me without love. What would you say, though?

Does he make you feel loved?

My partner can’t say it to me (he’s a widower so would never push it) but he does say things like I love being with you, I love touching you, I love when we are together etc. He certainly shows he loves me, even if he can’t say it. He will send the occasional heart emoji too

Yes, @UpUpUpU my partner will say things like that, especially during sex. Not especially at other times though. I wonder if he just doesn’t.

Why ? You are in a relationship which you say is good, ticks all the boxes, sex good everything good, you "clicked" as you put it. So why oh why go looking for a reason to throw a spanner on the works, to push the self destruct button. It's insane !

Surely before all else, talk to the man?

@Geo42 because I do feel there is something missing? He’s quite scornful of deeper emotions. He also never says sorry and is very intolerant if I say he has upset me. Despite all this he is a nice man! He’s just got some very odd defence mechanisms. There’s something amiss. I’ve wondered if he’s just neurotypical in some way.

@Namechange666 i feel humiliated to mention it

I might be old fashioned, but it saddens me that it is considered normal to agree to an exclusive sexual relationship, without ever hearing the L word.
Yep, I'm old fashioned!

I think I might be too @MackenCheese! As we were already friends I assumed our relationship had started from a serious point. I have been pretty surprised to realise (rather feel) it didn’t.

I would assume that he doesn't love you.

That doesn't mean he doesn't like you or isn't having fun but it sounds like, at this time, he is not in love with you.

OP, sometimes we cannot see the woods for the trees. I remember complaining because my ex had stopped saying “I love you” and being affectionate but was pretty much fine and unchanged when it came to sex. Turned out he didn’t love me anymore, simple as that.

It might be as simple as he doesn’t think of the relationship as strongly as you do, or as he thought he did at the start. So fadeaway in peace, you owe him nothing, there is nothing to rescue. Better to leave in time than wasting years on what is essentially a fuck buddy.

… I mean, if you want more than being someone’s fuckbuddy. Nothing wrong with that, though, as long as you don’t hope for love or more, that is.

I do hope for love, of course! I thought that’s what we were doing. It makes me feel bad as it is. I need that deep emotional connection to be there and be said.

I only really like sex with love, so I’m giving away a lot every time we do it.

This won't apply to everyone, but I've always found when you love someone it does just come out. During sex, a romantic moment or even 'accidentally' in conversation.
I would find it really odd to be in a 1 year, 'loving' relationship without it having been said.
I think you should have the same conversation with him that you've started with us. Find out where you stand. You might be surprised - he could be one of those people that have a real issue with saying it but absolutely feel it or he might not be there, and after a year I'd say he probably won't get there. Hope it works out for you.

Have a chat. One year isn't so long that you can't walk away. Hell, you should still be in the honeymoon phase! I agree with a pp. It should just be slipping out naturally at this stage.

@thisthenthat I just am really reluctant to have a humiliating conversation and for that to be the official ‘why it didn’t work out’ narrative. We are friends with lots of mutual friends. I also don’t know if I do really love him any more. It’s just been so much withholding from him it has actually turned me off.

It’s just really hard to understand as he is so warm from the outside. People keep saying ‘oh it must be so nice to have someone so head over heels in love with you and so affectionate!’ but on the inside it isn’t like that

I had a very unpleasant marriage and divorce and I am really annoyed it looks like I’ll be hurt here.

And I probably sound like quite an unpleasant, grasping person but it’s the situation that has made me like this. It has made me feel grasping and rejected.