Boyfriend won’t say he loves me

[hargreavespicnic]

Hi,
I feel very rotten. I’m starting to check out of my relationship and feel bad about it, but I think I have put my finger on why.

I’m divorced (with kids) and dating a man in the same situation. He was a friend before and we’ve known each other well for many years. We started dating over a year ago, but because of schedules have taken it slowly seeing each other about once a week. I was really falling for him at the start but he’s been very reserved and so I have pulled back. The relationship has been a dream: we click, share interests, the sex is great, but it recently feels less ‘clicky’ because I feel hesitant about investing in these things in case we don’t stay together.

I think it really hurts my feelings that after a year he won’t say he loves me. It makes me feel quite awful. Things have been loving and lovely so why doesn’t he say it? When I ask if he’s happy he says yes, he wants to stay together. I don’t want to broach it with him as he shouldn’t feel forced to say it. But would this upset you?

Words are just that - words. Saying "I love you" doesn't really mean much. Some people say it all the time - I've got a friend who says it to everyone, including me, everyone she know, even her mum's dog!

Does your bloke treat you well? That's really what matters.

It’s this characteristic that means the relationship is not sustainable. Take it from someone who’s been there. Relationships are built on repair attempts. If he never says sorry and is annoyed when you bring a relationship ‘rupture’ to his attention, instead of repairing it, this relationship will never work out.

Never judge the quality of a relationship on how good it is when things are fine, judge it on how well things are dealt with when they have not gone so well.

@QueenVerilas

Relationships are built on repair attempts

This is so true. OP you will not be able to attain true happiness with this man and the good phases will just make it more painful.

Never judge the quality of a relationship on how good it is when things are fine, judge it on how well things are dealt with when they have not gone so well.

Great advice. You only know how strong and stable a relationship is when you deal with difficulties.

This is why I tend to be sceptical of the view often posted on here that relationships should be a Disney-perfect all "hearts and flowers" for the first year or two, and that it's somehow deficient if not...

Two people being on their best behaviour fuelled by hormones may feel great, but it's all too often superficial, and falls apart, or drifts into something crap when the honeymoon period ends.

Finding out how you resolve conflict and disagreement between yourselves is essential, and it's good to know that pretty early on, rather than exist on a 'love high' that excludes reality for the sake of living up to this supposed ideal.

This jumped out at me too.

And men are always lovey dovey pre and post sex, otherwise they would never get it. Take note of how he is acting during the rest of the time. I think he does like you, but not enough (for you).

The not saying sorry and intolerance of your emotional needs have jumped out as red flags to me too. This will likely cause you increasing problems as time goes on OP. His behaviour is making you feel rejected, you don’t really trust him with your emotional vulnerabilities and your self esteem is being affected. That’s not a great place to be whether he says he loves you or not.

Did he go to boarding school? If so could be very shut down when it comes to emotions.

If he says he's been in love in other shorter relationships and told you about it but never said it to you then I think it's time to tell him that this isn't going where you wanted and so isn't working for you any more. His reaction to you saying it to him probably should have been a bit of a red flag - easy to see in hindsight I know!

I don't think this is a good man, but rather someone who is good at looking like a good man to other people - and that is sliding into narc territory for me. Add on to that the fact that he can't say sorry - ie nothing is ever his fault, someone or something else is always to blame and his apparent lack of emotional depth/connection (but happy to rub in your face the face he's supposedly been in love before).........and I think you might be making a lucky escape here.

NC for this one but my OH of 3 years has never told me he loves me, we own a house and a dog together and have a very happy content relationship.

He lost his dad when he was quite young, around 9 and is extremely shut down with his emotions, he opens up about his dad but I think he went through such a traumatic childhood with losing his father it's really affected him. But I wouldn't push him to say it, he shows his way of loving me through actions and commitment which id prefer than having 3 words thrown around.

Just to add as well, he's never told anyone he loves them and doesn't say it to his mum/family, I think his emotional side is just so damaged

So actually it's not a dream, is it?

I don't think this is a good man, but rather someone who is good at looking like a good man to other people - and that is sliding into narc territory for me.

@Superdupes I’m coming to the quite horrid realisation you might be right. Why is that so hard to see around?

The older I get, the more men I meet, the more I'm finding that there are huge numbers of men who everyone says 'oh he's so lovely' because they're laid back, friendly, easy going, no conflict - and, they're not lovely at all. They are shallow, no real emotions, don't know how to love, nicer to a stranger than they are their partner.

my eyes are really opened by that, @arethereanyleftatall — I find it so hard to see around but I think you’re right

I have just read this whole saga from the beginning, falk about making a drama out of things. You were in a relationship with a nice man and you were happy, after a while you started to feel you wanted more than was available. The sensible grown up thing is to move on, quietly, pleasantly,without recriminations, it didn't work out no one to blame, no need to paint the man as some kind of monster with psychological problems. He is still the same man you have known for years so stop the unpleasantness and end the relationship nicely. I hope you can find what you are looking for somewhere else, good luck.

you proof love with facts, not words. I can say “I love you” 10 times a day and then have total disregard for you or I can keep my mouth shut and be a kind, generous loving person. My question is: how kind is this man? Does he make you feel emotional and physically safe? Can you trust him 100%? Does he talk about a future together? Does he support you 100%? Values your opinion? Etc… deep down that’s what really matters.

What a silly comment @Geo42! this is munsnet relationships board, not some kind of rational court of law

I'd say after a year, it's that he doesn't love you but loves being with you

Hi OP, I think you should be able to talk to him if this is so important to you, especially as his reserved attitude makes you pull back from the relationship. Why don't you have a gentle chat with him? He could be one of those people who simply cant speak about emotions. Or he is just doesn't love you - but in any case, you will know. I have a feeling if this will continue as it is your relationship will suffer anyway.

I had something very similar, he would say he adored me and felt more than adored..at first I felt he was taking his time. Like you I spontaneously said something "I am falling for you" and his reply was that he needed to process that. He showed me lots of warmth kindness and affection, but and it's a big but we split up and one of the reasons was he felt the relationship was getting too serious and he had commitment issues...so all along that was the reason why he couldn't tell me he loved me.

OP, if you are dreading the #begging for love' conversation and asking him directly, just be more assertive and state your thought / feelings rather than seek answers. Let him know that unfortunately your relationship after a year feels like it's staled on a more superficial level, and that you need more depth to be happ long-term. That you 'd like to go back to being friends. If he does love you but is very cautious after his failed relationships (were he probably declared being in love but they did fail!), he will come ou with it or at least will be obviously upset and ask to give him a bit more time, will want to explain himself.

If he doesn;t love you, he'll be more like, sorry to hear that but I thought we were both content - to which you can say, yes I was but I need it to progress to actual mutual love / deep feelings. He won't insist on continuing in the face of you being firm about your needs, doesb't sound like he's an outright liar.
Go for what you really want, and be proud that you are after soething good and worthwhile. Disappointed by how it's gong - yes, but no need to feel humiliated.

sorry for typos!

*stalled on a superficial level, I meant.

I’m with you.

Have you tried asking him, did your parents ever say they loved you when you were a child?
Also try asking how his parents would have reacted to him crying when he was a child.
You will likely find the answer to his being emotionally reserved right there -like everyone else, he has been taught a set of acceptable emotions, which may not include all of them.
I note that you also have some awkwardness about discussing emotions, so ask yourself what your parents would have done it you asked them about their feelings, and vice versa would they have asked about yours.

Yes it's possible he doesn't love you, but can you tell the difference between that, and he does love you but doesn't know how to express it in the way you prefer?

If that difference doesn't matter to you then maybe it's over anyway, but if it does, then you both need to learn to communicate better.

Good luck!