Boyfriend won’t say he loves me

[hargreavespicnic]

Hi,
I feel very rotten. I’m starting to check out of my relationship and feel bad about it, but I think I have put my finger on why.

I’m divorced (with kids) and dating a man in the same situation. He was a friend before and we’ve known each other well for many years. We started dating over a year ago, but because of schedules have taken it slowly seeing each other about once a week. I was really falling for him at the start but he’s been very reserved and so I have pulled back. The relationship has been a dream: we click, share interests, the sex is great, but it recently feels less ‘clicky’ because I feel hesitant about investing in these things in case we don’t stay together.

I think it really hurts my feelings that after a year he won’t say he loves me. It makes me feel quite awful. Things have been loving and lovely so why doesn’t he say it? When I ask if he’s happy he says yes, he wants to stay together. I don’t want to broach it with him as he shouldn’t feel forced to say it. But would this upset you?

I think of it a lot like how people say with friendships, if they make you feel bad about yourself and down, rather than uplifted and good, it isn't a good friendship. It's the same isn't it? I think if you really want to be with someone, surely you love so much about them, or they do things you adore and- I love you! would just slip out? I think you've sort of answered your own question, it isn't enough for you so he isn't the man and relationship material you thought. Proactively make a decision, it doesn't really matter what he might say if you put him on the spot? If it isn't working for you, decide you're worth more and move on?

I assume you mean neurodivergent. He sounds like a dickhead tbh. Do yourself a favour, raise your bar and get rid of him. It seems like a form of emotional blackmail to me. Or he is massively out of touch with his emotions.

How is this not just massively unappealing to you?

Yes, sorry, neurodivergent. Your comment made me really laugh! Which I needed.

You really don't sound unpleasant at all. I think you are identifying what you need from a relationship after an unpleasant marriage. That's great! But it really isn't sounding like thi is it.

My first comment actually read more harsh than I meant it to. I just mean that the idea you aren't finding this a big ick and turning it on yourself is telling of where you are emotionally.

He also never says sorry and is very intolerant if I say he has upset me.

Tbh, OP, I'd be more concerned about this than you seem to be.

He won't say he loves you. He won't say sorry. He's intolerant when he upsets you.

He doesn't actually sound very nice at all.

I actually don’t think he sounds like such a prize, OP. To me it sounds like you are trying to convince yourself.

I agree with PPs that at this stage the sight of someone who is right for you should be lifting your heart. He should be making you feel good and giving you confidence. That isn’t the vibe I am getting. You can do better.

Nothing you say about him makes him sound appealing, tbh. Why are you trying so hard to convince yourself that he’s Mr Right?

You’ve just been through a shitty marriage and divorce. Don’t fall for the sunk cost fallacy of accepting a sub-standard replacement just because you’ve already invested a year of your life in this person.

Being alone is hard, but being in a compromised relationship where you feel ‘less than’ and are constantly trying to second guess and validate someone else’s feelings is worse. You have many more years to give, and you deserve to be with someone who raises you up and makes you happy. He’s quite clearly demonstrated that it’s not him.

Maybe. At the start I was just completely into him, I just thought he was lovely! I think I loved him enough that all these other things seemed more neutral. As soon as there isn’t a sense of developing love the problems become more vivid, because without the special emotional depth the other factors need to be much stronger.

There’s just developing structure without developing feeling (from him that is).

I'm just the same.

I wouldn't waste my time with an emotionally illiterate man.
If after a year he either hasn't fallen in love with you or won't say that he has I'd move on.

I would definitely want more emotional connection than he seems to want to give you.

He doesn’t sound like a nice man.

Won’t say he loves you. Won’t say sorry. Reacts nastily if you want to raise issues.

He sounds like someone who will hurt you more and more. Dump him, he’s giving you breadcrumbs.

I think it’s ok to say in a relationship, sorry this isn’t working for me, I need to feel loved. It will eat you up if it’s important to you.

You don't sound unpleasant or grasping OP!

You don't need to tell him you love him again.
You can say that you feel he's withholding emotionally from you & this isn't the type of relationship that makes you happy. You could ask him why he is doing this. And if you don't get a satisfactory answer, which makes you feel better, then walk away.

You deserve to be happy. Look at this as a practice run for the real thing.
No one goes through the pain of divorce to want to waste time on someone else who doesn't make them happy.

You've learned what you don't want (sex & a relationship without emotional intimacy)
You deserve more than this. You deserve happiness. You will find happiness again op. This it just part of your journey.

This.

Ask him outright if he loves you

When you say he’s scornful of deeper emotions what do you mean? Is it just love or ANY kind of ‘deeper’ emotion? It’s one thing to not be a very emotionally expressive person, it’s another thing entirely to scorn emotions.

What did he write in your birthday or Christmas card?

Love from NAME xxx ???

But if you have pulled back from him, understandably, what makes you think he’s not doing the same?
I think you just need to ask. Then at least you’d know where you stand.

I assume he's fond of you and loves your company but doesn't feel in love with you in a romantic sense. I would ask him if he's ever been in love and if so, then he can tell if he loves you or not. If he hasn't it may be that he's always been too guarded/never actually found someone on that level. Either way, in that instance I'd end the relationship if I wasn't actually loved.

Oh he has been in love plenty of times. With his big ex obviously, but also with littler relationships here and there— he’s said it to me while talking about the past. I find that doubly insulting, especially being told it about someone he dated for a few months eg

Yes, emotionally reserved.

Tbh I'd just quietly leave him. If he asks to meet up just say no thanks. He's not that serious about you.

I would just ask him directly. Sit down together and say you want a chat. Tell him you've been thinking about things and you need to know how he feels about the relationship, what it means to him and whether he loves you. Sit and wait until you get the answers you need. Say it matters to you. If he tries to change the subject and avoid answering just ask again. It doesn't need to be unpleasant or pushy, just a straight question with an answer. If he asks why, say you want to know where you stand, you want to consider your future and what you want. At least then you have some clarity. You could also share with him that you've been pulling away from him emotionally because you don't know how he feels about you, it might help open up the conversation more. Good luck.