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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Boyfriend won’t say he loves me

99 replies

hargreavespicnic · 24/06/2023 20:38

Hi,
I feel very rotten. I’m starting to check out of my relationship and feel bad about it, but I think I have put my finger on why.

I’m divorced (with kids) and dating a man in the same situation. He was a friend before and we’ve known each other well for many years. We started dating over a year ago, but because of schedules have taken it slowly seeing each other about once a week. I was really falling for him at the start but he’s been very reserved and so I have pulled back. The relationship has been a dream: we click, share interests, the sex is great, but it recently feels less ‘clicky’ because I feel hesitant about investing in these things in case we don’t stay together.

I think it really hurts my feelings that after a year he won’t say he loves me. It makes me feel quite awful. Things have been loving and lovely so why doesn’t he say it? When I ask if he’s happy he says yes, he wants to stay together. I don’t want to broach it with him as he shouldn’t feel forced to say it. But would this upset you?

OP posts:
hargreavespicnic · 26/06/2023 10:20

That’s really useful, thanks. I can also see that this issue has caused me to shut down and become defensive, and I should probably come out of that and re engage a bit if I want to give it a chance and resolve this issue.

OP posts:
Marnie1818 · 11/10/2023 01:09

Me and my boy are both 40 and we’ve been in a relationship since May. We both have kids and we’ve met each others. We spend a lot of time together and I spend a lot of time with his children. He even asks me to stay over an look after them when he goes out. I asked him if he loves me and he said he’s not there yet but headed that way. I’ve provided him with a lot of support through his divorce and I feel a bit used. Am I pushing to hard or should I feel this way

Bubblesqueak88 · 11/10/2023 08:22

Any update OP?

Marnie1818 · 11/10/2023 08:34

An update… we’ll he sent the message late last night and I’ve not replied
I don’t have much to say to him
when he does reply I’ll update you

Blough · 11/10/2023 08:39

@Marnie1818 that poster was asking the OP for an update. This is a zombie thread.

Janieforever · 11/10/2023 08:58

Hang on, I don’t get some of these responses. Not being in love with the op doesn’t make him horrible or emotionally Illiterate for gods sake. It’s not like he’s misleading her in any way. Being horrible would be declaring he loved her just so she kept sleeping with him.

he is fine to be in a relationship which he enjoys for the time being without falling in love. If this isn’t enough for the op, which it’s not, she needs to have an honest conversation with him, about feelings and the future. And then decide if it’s not enough for her, to end it

op ask him how he feels about you, where he sees the relationship going, that’s not a humiliating conversation. Just an honest one.

AFieldGuideToTrees · 11/10/2023 08:59

hargreavespicnic · 24/06/2023 21:29

@Geo42 because I do feel there is something missing? He’s quite scornful of deeper emotions. He also never says sorry and is very intolerant if I say he has upset me. Despite all this he is a nice man! He’s just got some very odd defence mechanisms. There’s something amiss. I’ve wondered if he’s just neurotypical in some way.

Nice men aren't scornful and intolerant.

Nice men say I'm sorry and I love you.

Startingagainandagain · 11/10/2023 09:27

''He’s quite scornful of deeper emotions. He also never says sorry and is very intolerant if I say he has upset me. Despite all this he is a nice man! ''

I am sorry OP but this is not the description of a 'nice man'...

It sounds to me that you are just friends with benefits.

Personally I would end this and find someone who can give you a proper relationship and who genuinely loves you.

joywzp · 11/10/2023 11:41

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

hargreavespicnic · 06/11/2023 12:22

Hello, I am the OP. I don't really have an update: still in it, still feeling weird.

OP posts:
icantchangetime · 06/11/2023 16:37

Still feeling weird after another five months isn't good.

Just speak to him and make it non weird or quit

OrlandointheWilderness · 06/11/2023 16:52

5 months on and he still hasn't said it?! Have you said it again? You might get a difference reaction. If it were me then I would finish it if he doesn't.

Bobbotgegrinch · 06/11/2023 17:00

Marnie1818 · 11/10/2023 01:09

Me and my boy are both 40 and we’ve been in a relationship since May. We both have kids and we’ve met each others. We spend a lot of time together and I spend a lot of time with his children. He even asks me to stay over an look after them when he goes out. I asked him if he loves me and he said he’s not there yet but headed that way. I’ve provided him with a lot of support through his divorce and I feel a bit used. Am I pushing to hard or should I feel this way

You're best off starting your own brand new thread if you want advice on this rather than resurrecting someone elses old thread. People will just read the original posters posts and ignore yours otherwise

Maddy70 · 06/11/2023 17:01

He's not that Into you ...I'm sorry

category12 · 06/11/2023 17:03

hargreavespicnic · 06/11/2023 12:22

Hello, I am the OP. I don't really have an update: still in it, still feeling weird.

Gosh, if things are no better since you first posted the thread, you should probably cut this thing off.

You described it as feeling rotten - months later are you still feeling rotten? You should be enjoying the relationship, not miserable with it. What's the point of it?

ThisIsaNiceDress · 06/11/2023 19:14

OP there’s no shame in saying I love you first. If you still feel that you love him. If he doesn’t say the same, it shouldn’t make you feel humiliated. You have the right to feel what you feel and say what you want. You have the right to ask the question. Then you have the right to act accordingly. Take some power back. You don’t have to wait for him. There might be answers you didn’t expect. Update us soon x

hargreavespicnic · 06/11/2023 22:25

@ThisIsaNiceDress That's a useful comment, and I should have. I'm not sure I love him any more. Maybe.

OP posts:
Livelifelaughter · 07/11/2023 10:49

Hmm...I was going out with someone like this. I am pretty sure he did love me but he just couldn't commit and I don't mean buy a house, by an engagement ring, I mean on an emotional level. It felt like an unsafe relationship, I always felt he was hedging his bets and not getting over involved. He ended things and I was devastated.

BarbaraWoodlouse1 · 07/03/2024 05:52

Maybe it’s his cowardly way of getting out of a relationship instead of being honest. He’s not that bothered by the sound of things.

Don’t stand for it. You deserve better. I wouldn’t make a fuss though, just leave quietly. Be careful though as his ego might get damaged and he’ll then be finally saying the things you want to hear.

You deserve to be loved not used.

Atomika · 12/11/2024 19:33

I know this is a zombie thread, but did the relationship end or improve... Or still feeling weird?

I was in something like you describe once. I asked the man about it on a few occasions and he denied there was anything wrong and said he was really happy with me, but would never say he loved me. (He had whispered "are we falling in love?" in the first month when we were having a passionate time, but never again). I texted him I love you to him one time and he went radio silence for the rest of the day. Which left me feeling totally abandoned. I explained to him several times that I need a lot of spontaneous affection due to my neglected childhood and it didn't inspire him to offer any, ever. We spent a year together.

Eventually, like you, I started losing feelings for him. It was a very sad time for me because he was so cosy and comfortable and the physical was wonderful. He mentioned his ex wife regularly and often referred to exes. Yet he always wanted to spend his days off with me. I was very confused, to say the least.

Anyway, I gave myself some counselling and came to the conclusion that I needed more and I didn't want to go into a life ahead feeling 'not quite' loved, and, as you say, weird. So I quietly said my goodbyes in my mind and slowly disengaged over 6 months. I'm not good at sudden endings (childhood stuff) so have to make my departures slowly and peacefully - by grieving in my own time (the childhood stuff).

Finally, I just wasn't there and I wasn't feeling it. He was shocked and hadn't seen it coming, as he said. I was able to have that conversation with him from a safe place of no longer needing or wanting to be loved by him. It was a huge relief for me and I was able to reflect with him that I had tried to ask for what I needed and for him to express his love and affection for me, and he just didn't for that whole year we were together. He said he wasn't good at expressing his feelings, but that he did have them for me (He still couldn't say the wards I needed him to say!).

We parted company and I unexpectedly met a man 6 weeks later who showered me with love and shows of affection on a daily basis. He's a treasure and he fills the void that the ex didn't feel able or moved to fill.

I felt weird and incomplete and was always going to feel that way with that first man, so I had to do what I needed to do for my own long term emotional health. I wanted him to be different, but he didn't show up for me and I didn't want to perpetuate my sense of childhood abandonment and emotional neglect into my future. I ended it on my own terms and having weighed up what a drab, grey existence it would likely become.

Do what you need to do, make your peace with it in your own mind, and go as slowly as you need to. Show up for yourself, because your man isn't going to. You've stated your case to him and he hasn't delivered. If you can live with the emptiness, go for it. If you can't...run to the light.

There are lots of men out there who are a better fit for you, I promise!

Necky1 · 12/11/2024 20:25

I hope the OP is long gone from him.
He doesn't sound nice at all.

Atomika · 13/11/2024 07:44

He certainly doesn't sound like he's going to make the OP feel secure and happy in the long term.
It's really sad when we realise we're a year or more into something that isn't right, then have to stand at that crossroads of "I can choose this path that leads me to more of the same empty feeling or this other path that leads me to potential to meet someone who loves me the way I want to be loved".
Ugh.

jubs15 · 13/11/2024 10:31

hargreavespicnic · 24/06/2023 21:29

@Geo42 because I do feel there is something missing? He’s quite scornful of deeper emotions. He also never says sorry and is very intolerant if I say he has upset me. Despite all this he is a nice man! He’s just got some very odd defence mechanisms. There’s something amiss. I’ve wondered if he’s just neurotypical in some way.

I'm 6 months into a relationship with a man who has ASD and what you've written about what your guy says/how he reacts is the same as I have with mine. The best I had was a message 2 months ago, saying he was 'falling deeply' for me but was too scared to say anything. He still hasn't said anything! I've woken up to myself a bit by taking an emotional step back.

If he's good for you in every other way, then you might need to accept that this is how it is, if you want to stay with him. By all means talk to him, but men with ASD can react very badly to perceived criticism.

My ex had ASD too, and although he said 'I love you' it was never with any meaning and felt false, so I don't know what's worse!

itiswhatitisxx · 13/11/2024 23:30

@jubs15 I completely agree with your last part! Someone can very easily say they love you but not show it. Words are easy to say.

I think it's how someone makes you feel and things they do for you that makes you know how they feel.
I was with my ex for a year and that word was dropped from him quite quickly. We split for a few months and have now been back together for 6 months and neither of us have said it. Probably being cautious but he has also said his not sure he loves me which I've accepted and for now go on his actions and wait with time.

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