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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Have I done the right thing telling DH to leave

97 replies

AnxietyTeen · 22/06/2023 09:54

I need to know I have made the right decision in telling DH he has to leave the house . .

DD aged 14 has been under CAMHS care for about 18 months now due to anxiety and depression. She's currently out of main stream schooling and has regular CAMHS sessions.

A lot of this stems from trauma from DH's drinking and getting drunk and his behaviour when drunk. Never violent but he has been loud and obnoxious in a way that can be thoroughly unpleasant. I have got used to it and always thought I would leave him if he didn't improve before DDs were old enough to be impacted but I obviously didn't

She took an OD about three weeks ago after an argument with friends. She was fine physically thank goodness and came home the same days. DH's response was to go out on an all day session the next day.

She has told me over and over again that she doesn't want to live with DH. I have been trying to persuade DH that he needs to attend counseling with her to sort out their relationship but he always refused.

Things can be fine as a family unit but DD is unable to heal from past experiences of his drinking and it makes her feel unsafe (this is what her CAMHS counsellor had told me she said).

Last Friday DH went away for work and I thought it would be a chance for DD and DH to have time apart and think about things. On the Monday however DD saw her CAMHS counsellor and due to all the above she went into voluntary respite care for the week. The CAMHS counsellor had told me that as things have not improved at home she has put a referral into social services for our family, but that DD will not improve mentally if things remain the same with DH.

As a result I told DH today he needs to move out so DD can come home tomorrow. DH is obviously broken and is moving out. He seems to think it is now beyond repair, DD has blamed him for it all and when he is gone she will find someone else to blame for her problems.

I also have DD 2 aged 12 to think about. Her relationship with DH is not great, but better than DD 1.

I told DH my priority is always going to be the girls but I want us to be together as a family. I am hoping social services offer help with counseling for them to mend their relationship.

Not sure what I'm asking really, but I'm just stressed and broken myself and want someone to tell me I've done the right thing by telling him to leave

OP posts:

BodenCardiganNot · 22/06/2023 09:56

I have got used to it and always thought I would leave him if he didn't improve before DDs were old enough to be impacted but I obviously didn't

Better late than never. Will he stay away do you think?

Raindropsarefallingheavily · 22/06/2023 09:57

Better late than never...
I am sure you had visions of a better outcome but really there wasn't one.
I reported my exh for drink driving and filed for divorce many years ago. Adult ds still has therapy
..

WhineWhineWhineWINE · 22/06/2023 10:00

"DH is obviously broken"
But not broken enough to change his behaviour or go to counselling? It sounds like he's had ample opportunity to put his DD first and help her to heal and instead he has prioritised himself. He's really left you with no other option and no one to blame but himself.

Pkhsvd · 22/06/2023 10:00

You’ve certainly done the right thing; he doesn’t want to change his behaviour and your DD is being very clear about what she needs from you.

OhComeOnFFS · 22/06/2023 10:00

Of course you've done the right thing. Your daughter sounds traumatised by her own father - now he's blaming everyone but himself for this.

You should have told him to go a long time ago. I think it would be worth having therapy to find out why you prioritised a drunk man over your own children.

Peridot1 · 22/06/2023 10:02

Well I think you have done the right thing. His behaviour is affecting both of your daughters’ mental health and he won’t change his behaviour to prioritise them. Their mental health is more important than living as a family. It’s not a family if one of the parents who is supposed to put their children first won’t do so.

mayorofcasterbridge · 22/06/2023 10:02

You don't have a choice here. Your DH has chosen alcohol over his family. He needs to go!

Abouttimemum · 22/06/2023 10:03

He should have been out of the door a long time ago. If you can’t change your behaviour for you kids then it’s never going to change.

You’ve absolutely done the right thing. He’s still in denial, and I’d like to think this might spur him to get the help he needs, but who knows.

Hopefully your daughter will feel calmer and more at peace in her own home.

Bluebells1970 · 22/06/2023 10:04

I think you need to draw a very firm line in the sand now, and protect your kids.

My cousins are very damaged from living with their alcoholic father. Their Mum also chose to turn a blind eye and think it wasn't too bad.

yellowsmileyface · 22/06/2023 10:05

DD has blamed him for it all and when he is gone she will find someone else to blame for her problems

This sounds very bitter and passive aggressive. He IS to blame for it all. Dd doesn't need to take responsibility for her problems. The poor thing is traumatised.

Even when her MH has been in serious decline, that's not enough of an incentive for him to seek help to stop drinking. Of course it's the right thing to kick him out.

You sound resentful of your Dd, as though she's torn the family apart. Remember it's your "d"h that's done that.

Angelofthenortheast · 22/06/2023 10:07

Yes you have. I had the same story as your DD and my mum prioritised my dad. I used to wish she would ask him to leave, and it took many years to recover from.

If your DH is a good guy, maybe it's just his alcohol abuse he needs to stop, in which case, it's very reasonable for you to ask him to leave until he works on dealing with his alcohol problem.

DustyLee123 · 22/06/2023 10:09

Of course you have done the right thing. SS would look very badly on your parenting if you didn’t. This is how you will keep your girls and yourself together.

Mummy08m · 22/06/2023 10:10

From the way you have told the story, it doesn't sound like your dh and dd need family counselling... it sounds like your dh needs to get sober. It's not a problem with their relationship, it's a problem with his behaviour full stop.

Shinyandnew1 · 22/06/2023 10:13

Sounds like living together can not continue. Are you ok-can you pay the mortgage/rent/bills?

Original poster

AnxietyTeen · 22/06/2023 10:14

Thanks everyone

Sorry if I sounded resentful of DD. That is absolutely not the case. I am probably just (as I have always done in my head) making excuses for DH and trying to give him a fair crack.

Your replies are doing me good. You are right in saying I should have done this a long time ago and prioritised my DDs properly.

OP posts:

NotNowGertrude · 22/06/2023 10:15

Of course you've done the right thing

You have to support your child who took an OD due to living with her dad

If you don't do this you might lose your kids either through SS or due to them hating you for making them live with him

Please focus on your kids & supporting them

He is a grown man who needs to sort himself out preferably far away from you & your poor daughter

Original poster

AnxietyTeen · 22/06/2023 10:17

There's no way we can afford to run two separate households indefinitely on our incomes. I guess the house will need to be sold but that's a problem to worry about after I get DD home

OP posts:

Quartz2208 · 22/06/2023 10:20

You are broken and stressed by it so is your DD. You are still burying your head in the sand about how it can be fixed and you can be a family.

you can’t the damage it seems to have done to your DDs is extreme and awful (and I suspect his behaviour is worse than you can admit to yourself)

he needs to go and remain gone

Hollyppp · 22/06/2023 10:23

Your poor DC!

Im surprised how much patience and tolerance you have for DH? I get pissed off at mine for much much less than this!!!

Bluebells1970 · 22/06/2023 10:24

It may be that not all of her issues do come from Dad's drinking, you say she'd taken an OD after she had had an argument with friends. But if she's got a more stable home environment, and she's getting support then her MH should improve slowly but surely. And that's all you can really focus on.

DH needs to sort himself out from now on, and maybe this will be a wake up call - but it's a bastard of an addiction and a very socially acceptable one. It's crap because you love them both and in a way you're having your hand forced here - you need to look after yourself as well as your DC.

GiveOverRover · 22/06/2023 10:24

Better late than never. Now stick to it. He is responsible for himself, he is an adult with some serious issues that are not your job. Your children and their wellbeing most definitely is your job.
If he is indeed broken by being asked to leave the family home due to his longstanding alcholism then this will be the catalyst for him to make changes. But that's up to him not you, focus on your girls. Let him sort himself out, or not.

Pixiedust1234 · 22/06/2023 10:25

DH's response was to go out on an all day session the next day.
You should have kicked him out then. That is all levels of wrong on his part.

She has told me over and over again that she doesn't want to live with DH.
Why haven't you listened to her? Both your children are struggling living with him but you are putting the "needs" of a grown man over your children. Your child is trying to escape from him by killing herself, that's how desperate she is. Please listen and act on behalf of your children and change their lives for the better. And look into the reasons why you have put DH first all these years.

I hope you and the children finally get some healing and happiness once he has gone

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 22/06/2023 10:26

Why would you think you haven't done the right thing? You say yourself that a lot of her issues are related to DHs behaviour. So there should be no doubt in your mind here.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 22/06/2023 10:28

He seems to think it is now beyond repair, DD has blamed him for it all and when he is gone she will find someone else to blame for her problems

He can tell himself that all he likes. When he moves out, time will tell as to whether he is right. But either way he needs to go.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/06/2023 10:34

Your alcoholic DH needs to be out of your day to day lives permanently and he should have been told to leave by you years prior. But that did not happen and what is done is done.

Alcoholism is also called the "family disease" for good reason, you're all affected by the alcoholic. I would urge you to contact Al-anon as they could help you.

"I told DH my priority is always going to be the girls but I want us to be together as a family".

They were not the priority really; your H was.

Ask yourself why that is. Better to be from a so called broken home than to remain in one.

"I am hoping social services offer help with counseling for them to mend their relationship".

The root cause of the breakdown in their relationship is her dad's alcoholism. You've remained with him up till now also for what are really your own reasons. A person cannot act as either a rescuer and or saviour in a relationship nor should they act as some sort of rehab centre.

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