Have I done the right thing telling DH to leave

[AnxietyTeen]

I need to know I have made the right decision in telling DH he has to leave the house . .

DD aged 14 has been under CAMHS care for about 18 months now due to anxiety and depression. She's currently out of main stream schooling and has regular CAMHS sessions.

A lot of this stems from trauma from DH's drinking and getting drunk and his behaviour when drunk. Never violent but he has been loud and obnoxious in a way that can be thoroughly unpleasant. I have got used to it and always thought I would leave him if he didn't improve before DDs were old enough to be impacted but I obviously didn't

She took an OD about three weeks ago after an argument with friends. She was fine physically thank goodness and came home the same days. DH's response was to go out on an all day session the next day.

She has told me over and over again that she doesn't want to live with DH. I have been trying to persuade DH that he needs to attend counseling with her to sort out their relationship but he always refused.

Things can be fine as a family unit but DD is unable to heal from past experiences of his drinking and it makes her feel unsafe (this is what her CAMHS counsellor had told me she said).

Last Friday DH went away for work and I thought it would be a chance for DD and DH to have time apart and think about things. On the Monday however DD saw her CAMHS counsellor and due to all the above she went into voluntary respite care for the week. The CAMHS counsellor had told me that as things have not improved at home she has put a referral into social services for our family, but that DD will not improve mentally if things remain the same with DH.

As a result I told DH today he needs to move out so DD can come home tomorrow. DH is obviously broken and is moving out. He seems to think it is now beyond repair, DD has blamed him for it all and when he is gone she will find someone else to blame for her problems.

I also have DD 2 aged 12 to think about. Her relationship with DH is not great, but better than DD 1.

I told DH my priority is always going to be the girls but I want us to be together as a family. I am hoping social services offer help with counseling for them to mend their relationship.

Not sure what I'm asking really, but I'm just stressed and broken myself and want someone to tell me I've done the right thing by telling him to leave

Im so glad that you've found the courage to ask him to leave and I hope that he does go quietly today, if he doesn't, please do call the Police.

I'd also change the locks, there are videos of how to do this on YouTube and it will give your DD some reassurance that he isn't going to go on a bender and let himself in.

Cook DD her favourite tea for when she gets back. It's a little thing but shows her that you are prioritising her and DD2 now.

If you haven't already, please file for Divorce. Do it today or this weekend. It will send a clear message to your DDs and your STBXH that you are serious. You also need to Divorce quickly as he may start to accrue debts quickly.

You've said that you're not in the UK so I'm not sure how Maintanance works were you are but find out and request the Maintenance from him. The money is better in your pocket than the landlords.

And as others have said, find out about AlAnon and contact them too.

Good luck for later OP

It’s great he’s stopped drinking, but if he’s still being cruel, then was it the drink?

Alcohol just removes inhibitions, it doesn't change the person underneath.

Some people are 'happy drunks' who just like to dance around and tell their friends mushily that they love them, and expound on some silly theory or other. Harmless.

Others are anxious drunks, whose worries and sadnesses that they usually keep a lid on come out after a few drinks.

A few are mean drunks, who are able to mask their vicious thoughts and hide their contempt and entitlement, but once they've knocked back three or four or five, it all comes raging out.

It's always the person, not the drink.

@AnxietyTeen Well done!!

You’ve done it. He is out of the house and you can finally start a new chapter, one that is about healing. Fur your dds, for you and fir your relationship with them.
Please keep strong. Don’t let him back whatever guilt tripping he is sending your way (because he will).
You have a long way in front of you. It is not going to be easy. But it will better than any other scenario when you were still together.

Also I’d like to point out how strong your dd1 is. Her deciding to go into voluntary respite care was a hell of a decision to take. And it’s a testimony to how strong and mature she is (and also, unfortunately, of how much growing up, she had to make). Listen to her and her needs. She’ll know.

Glad he’s gone. I just wish you’d prioritised your daughters before allowing him to inflict this level of trauma on them. Damage which may never be undone, sadly.

I think you really need counselling too. Despite your DD telling you time and time again, you kept prioritising him and minimising his behaviour and her reaction to it. I cannot believe how unbelievably strong your DD has been and now it’s your time to be stronger. This man has no place in your home, his priority is alcohol.

So he's gone and DD1 is back.

DD2 is very upset and is now saying he wasn't that bad etc etc. Despite previously telling me she didn't want him living here and she hates him being drunk. I'm not totally surprised by that reaction to be honest. It's obviously upsetting all round to have such a sudden change. I just hope she doesn't end up resenting me or DD2 for it, but, again, my fault for letting it go on so long so I take that on board.

Apparently DD2 and DH are texting each other so who knows what they're saying. I asked if she wanted to see him this weekend and she said no.

Not just unpopular but bullshit

There is a blaring clear cut example of how "staying for the children" can truly fuck the children up worse than leaving. I wish this thread could be made a sticky for other mums (or dads on here) that want to leave but think staying for the children as a family unit is best. As this shows, it isn't.

OP, you did nothing wrong. Your daughter did nothing wrong. Your husband is STILL blaming everyone and anyone else, BUT himself. You asked for him and your DD to go to counselling. He refused. He didn't even love his daughter enough to do that one thing for her. Now, it's too late and he is still blaming everyone else. He may be sober (you don't say if he is or isn't), but he has not taken 100% full responsibility. Until the drinker takes 100% sole full responsibility, they won't attempt to make amends. And if they don't even attempt to make amends, then nothing can be fixed. He needs to know that he rejected counselling, so it's his fault his daughter is like this. And, he still won't take 100% sole full responsibility. And until he does, you cannot be with him.

Excellent post.

Swap alcohol for depression.

Is it the alcohol/depression that makes him a mean arsehole?

Nope, he's an arsehole at his core and the label is the excuse.

Your daughters are so messed up by this horrific environment that they have endured, that even though they wanted him gone, are glad he's gone, they also feel guilt and blame that he has left.

Keep telling them it was YOUR decision and YOURS ALONG to tell him go.

YOU wanted him out.

Nothing to do with them.

YOUR decision alone.

This is SO important.

They have enough shit to bear from growing up in this hugely abusive environment.

OWN your mistake in not kicking him out years ago.

OWN that you have failed them.

THEY have no guilt or responsibility in any of this.

Under no circumstances are you to give your DH's wedding rings to your DD2 at the moment.

You should also be allowed to read your DD2's text messages that she is sending and receiving from your DH.

He could be pouring poison in your DD2's ear at this stage about how he hasn't done anything wrong and you've kicked him out etc. etc. etc. which is not the true picture here.

I think you need to sit down with your daughters and explain to them that their dad was not willing to stop drinking and it is this that was the final straw for you and you are doing what is best for everyone.

Wishing you all the very best of luck getting through this.

Excellent advice.
To be honest OP you haven’t really protected them as well as you could have so far so please please please do so now

@Godlovesall26 - what I mean is that his self-centredness has not disappeared but now shows as grandiose statements about his recovery, or his struggles. Everything is exaggerated.
He can recognise that his children have been affected by his drinking. Still, nothing compares to his battles.
He is addicted to himself. This is a personality trait, not MH problem.

That may be true. You don't know for sure but what is 100% clear that this whole situation has massively added to OPs DD mental health. So F**k the vows!

Kids come first! OP is married but she is not married to the detriment of her and her children's health. Have experience of living with an alcoholic do you?? 😐

I'd definitely be looking at the phone.

Keep him at arms length. Someone I know stayed and her adult DD is all sorts of fucked up. He was very much like your DH.

I think at their ages your DD's are old enough for you to have a fairly frank conversation with them about their DF. I'd explain how he's addicted but you can't cure him, only he can do that, that you nearly left before and why you didn't but now you know he needs to live elsewhere for their sake. I'd apologise to your 14 year old and promise he wasn't coming back and make sure she knows it's no ones fault but his. Block him on their mobiles so he can't try and blackmail them, he doesn't deserve their pity

OP, of course you've done the right thing. Time to look out for you and your DC now.

One thing I will say (because I struggle with this myself), other people's relationships are not your responsibility. If your DDs want a relationship with their dad then by all means support them, but if they tell you they don't, then support that too.

My DH's relationship with his DM has deteriorated over a period of 6 years due to her behaviour, at one point my DH had counselling for depression because of it. I kept trying to encourage a "healthy" relationship and found myself in this horrible in between position, in the end my DH said he had no interest in pursuing a relationship with her anymore and we went NC. It was hard for me at first (because I was worried that he may regret the decision in the future) but I had to really take a step back and realised it wasn't my place to decide how he should feel, it wasn't my relationship.

There's always time for your DDs to build a relationship with their dad later if he improves and they choose to. If not, at least you will have protected them the best you can and you can rest easy knowing you looked out for them when they most needed it.

I've been where you are @AnxietyTeen

You have done absolutely the right thing. Now don't go back on it.

Two things I know about alcoholics (from my experience at least):

1. The alcohol matters more than anything else. So he would rather keep drinking, than stop drinking and get his family back together. That's all on him.
2. They can default to 'victim' mode. So you can put up with their drinking, mess, baad behaviour, poor parenting, lack of reliability, lying, gaslighting for years, but as soon as you put your foot down they say 'just give me a second chance'. When you poiint out they're up to chance 999 they say it's different this time, and if only you'd let them prove it they'd show you. You're giving up on them. No wonder they drink when that's all the support they get from you. Anyone would want to drink living with you. (on and on, on a loop).

Your DH is not the 'victim' here. Alcohol is more important to him than his wife and children's happiness and wellbeing. If my experience is anything to go by, your life is about to get a whole lot calmer, easier and happier.

If your husband wants to have a good relationship with his children, it's in his power to sober up and stay sober. This might just shock him in to doing that. (I'm not suggesting you'd go back to him by the way, once away from him I think you should stay away as there's no knowing when he will go back to drinking unfortunately).

If he doesn't sort himself out, then he's just proving that you did the right thing.

Your poor daughter is clearly not very well. Need to try something to change the status quo. Her needs take priority over the father’s. Sounds like you have been under-reacting to his nonsense for some time. Seems like you made a good call to me

it’s ridiculous that counselling was suggested between a child and an adult to discuss the adult’s alcoholism!
OP and her H needed the counselling decades ago, not the children. This had nothing to do with the DD’s, but one has tried to end her life because of it. OP’s H needed to want to seek help and go to AA, etc for himself and his children/family, but didn’t and is still feeling sorry for himself and making himself out to be the victim.

He’s very manipulative telling OP to give DD his wedding ring. That would piss me right off and he would’ve got it with both barrels. I’d want to see the messages he’s sending to both DD’s.

OP - Okay. You’ve finally realised that you failed your DD’s by not protecting them from your H/their abusive Father over 10 years ago. You need to make up for massively by ensuring you bloody protect them now. Good - you’ve asked him to leave. He needs to stay gone or your DD’s will grow up to resent you if they continue to see that you are continuing to put your needs above theirs. You need to have counselling to ensure you don’t take him back. I’m surprised SS haven’t removed your children from you. I’m guessing they’re only involved due to your DD’s attempt to take her life and her subsequent involvement with CAHMS.

I don’t feel one bit sorry for your H. Every time he’s about to get kicked out, he makes it about him and prioritises his needs above his children’s needs. And it’s worked up until now.

Your poor children. You and your children’s MH, and especially your children’s lives should be way more important than money and your current lifestyle. You’ll figure it out as you’ll have to. Have you taken any steps over the years to ensure that you are in a better position to manage financially as a single parent? Your girls are older now, so you won’t need childcare in order to hold down a job/s. Do you work? Education/Training? Any voluntary work?

Never ever put anyone else’s needs before your children needs again.

100% you are doing the right thing. Staying with him as he is now is like fire-fighting with one hand behind your back. He is the one who needs to make a decision. Does he prioritise his daughter or his drinking? It's as simple as that . No ifs or buts

He's had more than a fair crack

Time to focus on your children

Please don't let him back.

Your husband will not put his children first.You must.