Have I done the right thing telling DH to leave

[AnxietyTeen]

I need to know I have made the right decision in telling DH he has to leave the house . .

DD aged 14 has been under CAMHS care for about 18 months now due to anxiety and depression. She's currently out of main stream schooling and has regular CAMHS sessions.

A lot of this stems from trauma from DH's drinking and getting drunk and his behaviour when drunk. Never violent but he has been loud and obnoxious in a way that can be thoroughly unpleasant. I have got used to it and always thought I would leave him if he didn't improve before DDs were old enough to be impacted but I obviously didn't

She took an OD about three weeks ago after an argument with friends. She was fine physically thank goodness and came home the same days. DH's response was to go out on an all day session the next day.

She has told me over and over again that she doesn't want to live with DH. I have been trying to persuade DH that he needs to attend counseling with her to sort out their relationship but he always refused.

Things can be fine as a family unit but DD is unable to heal from past experiences of his drinking and it makes her feel unsafe (this is what her CAMHS counsellor had told me she said).

Last Friday DH went away for work and I thought it would be a chance for DD and DH to have time apart and think about things. On the Monday however DD saw her CAMHS counsellor and due to all the above she went into voluntary respite care for the week. The CAMHS counsellor had told me that as things have not improved at home she has put a referral into social services for our family, but that DD will not improve mentally if things remain the same with DH.

As a result I told DH today he needs to move out so DD can come home tomorrow. DH is obviously broken and is moving out. He seems to think it is now beyond repair, DD has blamed him for it all and when he is gone she will find someone else to blame for her problems.

I also have DD 2 aged 12 to think about. Her relationship with DH is not great, but better than DD 1.

I told DH my priority is always going to be the girls but I want us to be together as a family. I am hoping social services offer help with counseling for them to mend their relationship.

Not sure what I'm asking really, but I'm just stressed and broken myself and want someone to tell me I've done the right thing by telling him to leave

Oh and I was quoting DH who said she'd blame someone else. This is absolutely not what I believe.

Your DH sounds like a cunt. I feel so sorry for your DDs. They're not worth giving up alcohol for? Ont let him guilt trip you. He has manipulated you for ten years too long.

You need to go to Alanon or look up Codependent anonymous. You both have done great harm to your daughter. Look up adult children of alcoholics and dysfunctional families and you can see the damage it does.
If he wants help he needs to seek his own support. You have no control over his drinking, you didn’t cause it and you cannot cure it.
Your daughter is being the adult in this relationship - good for her for not putting up with this issue.

I've just left for the day. DH handed me his wedding rings on my way out and told me to give them to DD2. So that's that.

I'm definitely looking up codependent anon. Thanks for handing me my arse. I needed it.

Now I just need to stay strong for DDs.

My DD is wonderful, and I just hope she can forgive me.

Wow....hes really going for the "woe is me" instead of taking responsibility for his actions in breaking this family up.

Don't fall for it OP, this is what many abusive men do to retain control of the home and family.

I hope your DDs will finally find peace in your house now he's leaving

OP,

Your daughter attempted to end her life because of her family environment and her fathers emotional abuse of her and the family.

She is clearly deeply traumatised by her home.

Could it possibly be more serious?

She wants to die.

She asked to leave the house.

This is so dreadful.

Who cares about that alcoholic waster.

Who cares.

Should you feel yourself weaken, imagine her laid out because she succeeded in her next attempt, and how YOU will feel?

Because how you will forgive yourself, how anyone would, knowing her absolute torment, is hard to imagine.

Forget about him.

He is unimportant and no longer matters in the scheme of things.

This could be your last chance to try and prevent a catastrophe.

You've done a good thing OP. It is incredibly tough to be in a relationship with an addict and I don't want you to think anyone here is underestimating what it's like to have a relationship end in this way. However it is your responsibility to protect your daughter (it should be his too, but he's obviously incapable)

The bullshit about it not being his decision and handing back the wedding rings is classic addiction talk - emotional manipulation and complete lack of accountability. I really do think you'll find al anon useful, as you will realise how much of your husband that you thought you knew was actually the alcohol - because it will be the same Illogical loops that other people will share about their partners/ex partners. There are tonnes of online groups now, at all hours of the day, if you can't attend in person.

My dad was an alcoholic and it caused me huge depression as a teenager and well into my adult life. I wish my mum had gotten rid of him sooner. You’ve done the right thing.
if your husband truly cares for his family he will go away and get help with his drinking. Once he’s achieved this and can prove it to everyone then who knows but for now it’s best he’s gone

Unpopular opinion but your DD has bigger issues going on and throwing out your husband (what happened to in sickness and in health) is likely going to cause more.

That's going to be an unpopular one because it places what you perceive to be OP's responsibility regarding her vows to be more important than her actual parental responsibility.

To put the feelings of her alcoholic DH, whose behaviour a mental health professional has explicitly said is a key reason their DD feels unsafe in the family home, before the wellbeing of her DD would be cruel and frankly unforgivable.

I can only think you maybe didn't read the OP's posts properly to have shared such a baffling opinion.

DH is obviously broken and is moving out. He seems to think it is now beyond repair, DD has blamed him for it all and when he is gone she will find someone else to blame for her problems.

Absolutely classic blame-shifting from someone who is stuck in addiction and cannot or will not recognise where responsibility truly lies. His daughter is 14; a minor! Who else should be held responsible for her problems than her parents or genetics?! She didn't choose to be traumatised by living with a chaotic and unpredictable parent, did she?

DH has announced to me that it is not his decision and not his fault that DD2 will not see him again. He is putting the blame on DD1 and said it was her decision. I have told him that it is my decision and not her's. He asked why he didn't get a second chance. I told him he had plenty.

Exactly the same thing here. He's refusing to be in any way accountable for the entirely predictable consequences of his own choices, and using melodrama (DD2 'not seeing him again') as a way to manipulate or punish you all, as though moving out automatically means ending his relationship with his children. See this clearly for what it is.

I've just left for the day. DH handed me his wedding rings on my way out and told me to give them to DD2. So that's that.

Even more guilt-tripping, melodrama and playing the victim. Tell him you're planning to sell the fucking rings and put the money in an account for therapy for your daughters.

They can't mend their relationship while he continues with his damaging behaviour! Unless he drops drinking and causing problems that relationship will always be sacrificed to his vice .

'she'll find someone else to blame for her problems'!!! Wow, you really have a low opinion of her and little empathy for her situation! Her Life so far has been one of frequent/daily distress and you think she plays the victim!?

Sorry, just realised I read it wrong and that was the pov of your DH not you! Apologies

Your DH isn't in a relationship with you or with his children.

He is in a relationship with alcohol.

You can see that when his response to his DDs needs is to go on an all day bender. That is what his life revolves around. The primary relationship in his life.

There is no relationship to be "counselled" or improved.

You cant continue like this.

It's very sad. Your DH is in a very bad place. People are alcoholics to blot our emotional pain. He is not bad - he is just using a very destructive way to try and cope.

However none of that is anything you can fix.

He needs to leave and you need to help your children.

Ffs put your kids first and get rid of your loser DH, speaking from experience here as the daughter of an alcoholic. He wrecked our family, my sister is NC with him and my mum in her mid 70's is still dealing with his alcoholic bullshit. Cut him out now

So OP should stay with husband “in sickness & health” whilst he does nothing to help himself? That’s ridiculous. How many years should someone waste on an addict?? Kids come first in this situation. Op is doing the right thing. DH is selfish and only looking out for himself

Your ex is an alcoholic. Your priority as a mother is your child.

He clearly is nowhere near even thinking about recovery as an option if he thinks letting your recently suicidal child take the blame for your family being broken (ie the giving her his rings) is a good option. Jesus Christ.

Honestly, being with an alcoholic is awful (I've lived it - mine died of liver failure by the time she turned 41) but your absolute priority as a mother is safeguarding your child.

her words and actions scream to get him out of the house. She is so unhappy she has tried to end her life.

I really don't want to blame you as it is HIM who has caused this mess - but you really really need to see that your role as her mum is to protect her from harm - even if that harm comes from family.

And all the counselling in the world won't stop an addict from drinking if they don't want to stop. Why are you even thinking about that right now?

im happy to chat more via PM if that would help. I've been where you are.

please take on board all @AttilaTheMeerkat and @billy1966 have posted. Take care.

This.
The guy is an idiot, and that’s very clearly now not even alcohol related (I have experience with people who successfully recovered, and fully support their efforts ; with this attitude, no chance).
I hope the rings are worth money second hand also (I mean it, my mum sold hers years after, she gave me the money despite not being rich at all, just wanted nothing to do with it, about 800 ; half even could pay for a little calm seaside hopefully beginning of healing weekend with your DDs.

OP try not to think about the past too much, I understand that when someone manages 3 years sober it gives you hope. I was going to write about AA etc as a suggestion to him if he ever wanted to see his daughters again, as I mentioned I do believe it’s an illness. But recent posts show a completely different side of him, that is not the illness, it’s him being selfish and ruthless towards his own daughter who almost departed, God bless her. I’m really sorry for the way things have turned out, but this is not the man you were once with.

Just try to take it a day at a time, try to get DD2 some therapy, and I hate to say this but maybe ask the doctors about safeguarding your home in the immediate future (just the way teens are ; a bit like you would with a toddler ; get rid of any first aid, bleach (use wipes instead), the doctors will be in a better place to advise if necessary though, I’m just mentioning it, as I’ve previously had to do it…)

Hope the three of you have a bright future 🍀

This. Unbelievable original post…

It’s not even about him being an addict or other issues, it’s his reaction to the situation that seals it ime. I work with children in care, some parents do get out of it, but they’re hard working people who were dealt a bad hand in life and often high functioning and struggling with the pressures of life (until no longer) who couldn’t afford sick leave, once given the opportunity they succeed if they take it (of course it’s not that easy, very sadly, but it’s a necessary beginning).

My brother - who I love dearly - is an alcoholic. I told my SIL many times to leave him but for many years she wouldn’t listen. He only stopped drinking when they finally split. The melodramatics continue though and he remains in his favourite victim mode.
He destroyed his family’s life, his children will forever be affected by his utter selfishness.

OP, from now on, put your children first. You need to focus on building a new life with you and your children.
Forget counselling, why would your DD have to sit in sessions with an alcoholic?
His recovery is his responsibility.

Can I ask what you mean by melodramatics/victim (just curious, you don’t have to answer).
Maybe you’ve illustrated better than me what I was trying to say, separating the MH from the person. It’s great he’s stopped drinking, but if he’s still being cruel, then was it the drink ?

If you see my previous post just above you’ll see why I’m interested in different perspectives. The ones post recovery are rare, I hope you don’t mind me asking (I don’t think it’s completely derailing the thread (I hope) because this aspect is very relevant to me)

Well done for getting him to leave. It's easy to judge others actions from the outside.
I recommend trying al anon for you and al ateen for your daughter. She will find other teens that have been through similar experiences as her.
Don't worry about selling the house right now give yourself some space. He will likely now drink more as woe is him. My ex talked about rehab, being sober, was charming, was nasty but drank through it all. Alcoholics lie to themselves and they lie to other people. Your job is to look after you and your kids. I really wish you the best. Its a tough road but you have started which is the hardest bit.