Have I done the right thing telling DH to leave

[AnxietyTeen]

I need to know I have made the right decision in telling DH he has to leave the house . .

DD aged 14 has been under CAMHS care for about 18 months now due to anxiety and depression. She's currently out of main stream schooling and has regular CAMHS sessions.

A lot of this stems from trauma from DH's drinking and getting drunk and his behaviour when drunk. Never violent but he has been loud and obnoxious in a way that can be thoroughly unpleasant. I have got used to it and always thought I would leave him if he didn't improve before DDs were old enough to be impacted but I obviously didn't

She took an OD about three weeks ago after an argument with friends. She was fine physically thank goodness and came home the same days. DH's response was to go out on an all day session the next day.

She has told me over and over again that she doesn't want to live with DH. I have been trying to persuade DH that he needs to attend counseling with her to sort out their relationship but he always refused.

Things can be fine as a family unit but DD is unable to heal from past experiences of his drinking and it makes her feel unsafe (this is what her CAMHS counsellor had told me she said).

Last Friday DH went away for work and I thought it would be a chance for DD and DH to have time apart and think about things. On the Monday however DD saw her CAMHS counsellor and due to all the above she went into voluntary respite care for the week. The CAMHS counsellor had told me that as things have not improved at home she has put a referral into social services for our family, but that DD will not improve mentally if things remain the same with DH.

As a result I told DH today he needs to move out so DD can come home tomorrow. DH is obviously broken and is moving out. He seems to think it is now beyond repair, DD has blamed him for it all and when he is gone she will find someone else to blame for her problems.

I also have DD 2 aged 12 to think about. Her relationship with DH is not great, but better than DD 1.

I told DH my priority is always going to be the girls but I want us to be together as a family. I am hoping social services offer help with counseling for them to mend their relationship.

Not sure what I'm asking really, but I'm just stressed and broken myself and want someone to tell me I've done the right thing by telling him to leave

His primary relationship is with drink, not you people and its never been with you people either.

There are no guarantees when it comes to alcoholism. He could well go onto lose everything and everyone around him and he could still choose to drink afterwards.

BTW did you see heavily drinking parents when you were growing up?

Your husband is an alcoholic. He is "loud" and "obnoxious" and "thoroughly unpleasant". when your DD was so ill, his response was to go out on an all day bender?

I think you are massively downplaying the effect of your H's drinking and behaviour. As is often the case on threads like this, I assume this is the tip of the iceberg. Be honest with yourself - outside of the loud, obnoxious behaviour how many other things in your house have to be managed around his drinking? Are finances tight because of the booze? Do you have to consider complex logistics becuase he is unreliable/unsafe to take the DC place or collect them? Is he constantly inappropriate and annoying and therefore extra embarrassing for your DDs when they have friends round? Does he use the smallest argument as an excuse to go out and get drunk? Do you/ your dd's have to clean up after him because he is too drunk?

Stay strong and don't let him back. And you MIGHT b

Sorry, pressed send by mistake. And you MIGHT be able to salvage your relationship with your DD.

Thanks again all. Your words are doing me a lot of good. Hard to hear, but I know you are all right.

I didn't get on to this before mainly due to my hatred of confrontation, and also not knowing how I'd support the girls alone. Stupid reasons I now see. And I'm great at burying my head in the sand. It's beginning to clear now.

I was actually all packed up and ready to leave him 10 years ago and then that weekend he had a massive heart attack. He then spent the next couple of years sober. And since then the drinking had been on and off binges.

My parents were not big drinkers at all. His were though . . .

I hope I haven't left it too late and I just want DD back. I'm actually glad that she left for a week to prompt me to finally get my ideas right and sort this. It's a shame I didn't have the courage of my own convictions earlier. I will never be able to apologise enough to her.

My exh was an alkie, could be nice but had bags of attitude when drinking, I kicked his arse to the door. Best thing I ever did for my dc and me. Kick him out it will be the best thing you'll do for dd and you. Look forward to a happier futhure without him.
He has to want to stop drinking for himself, he won't do it for you or dd.

I am sorry you have and are going through this. I do hope your this will be a wake up call for your husband and he can get some help although very often that is done through self referral and that isn’t easy for them to do.

Some people have been it seems to me condescending about your husband but alcoholism is very much a mental health problem and for some they then become physically dependent on alcohol as well. Let’s face it alcohol is advertised in a fun way even preferred as a gift for Christmas it is everywhere you don’t have to find a supplier.

I wish you and your family all the very best and I hope you all come through this.

Has he actually acknowledged he is an alcoholic?
Has he ever taken steps to seek help with this.

Op my dd OD twice last year. Honestly the only thing is your ddnright now.. Dh is a grown up who sadly has to face the consequences of his bad choices.

You have failed your children terriblely. Your DD has taken an OD if that hasn't got you to fling your husband out by now nothing will.

Lots of people run 2 households we ALL wanted that "family" unfortunately you will both have to cut your cloth accordingly. Look into CMS and UC for help.

You have absolutely done the right thing.
It would have been much better had you done it 10 years ago to be honest but hopefully it’s not too late.
Please focus on your children, your H had a choice and he knew what issues his actions were having but he did nothing. You seem to still feel sorry for him but you cant
DH Father was an alcoholic and his Mum finally left when the GP told her that he was going to go under and the question was - was she going to allow him to take her and the children with him?

I would read about codependency as this may well have some bearing on your own behaviour. Codependency and alcoholism go hand in hand.

Rebuild your life as well as your childrens.

You’ve done the right thing. He needs to stay away.
It’s great your dd has counselling. I’d look into getting dd2 some too.

And please, stop trying to patch things up between your dcs and your dh. It’s his responsibility, not yours.
But I’d encourage you to have some counselling/work with your dd counsellor to patch things up with your dds. And I do mean BOTH of them.

As fir your dh… he us incapable to see his l’art if responsibility. Doesn’t want to stop drinking. That’s on him. He can’t blame you, his dd or whatever.
But it also means there is no way you can make him see the light iyswim.

I don’t think it’s helpful to berate OP. It’s incredibly difficult to leave a relationship when you’re trapped in a dysfunctional cycle (and yes I know from experience).

OP it’s crunch time. Whatever happened in the past, both your DD’s are now looking to you to change your circumstances now. It sounds like you still have a good relationship with your kids. He absolutely has to leave and not come back. I also wouldn’t force them to have contact with him. He may take you to court eventually but certainly for now, your older DD needs to heal. You know deep down it’s the right thing, even if he is ‘broken’ that’s only really him feeling sorry for himself.

Practical stuff. Look at your finances. Where you can cut back? What do you have to keep? Get on to entitledto.com and see what benefits you might get as a single parent. You can and will survive on your own and your DD’s will massively benefit from it.

I don't have any sympathy for him.

He's "broken" that you've asked him to move out. But he wasn't "broken" by your daughter trying to take her own life - his response was to go out and get pissed. His entire focus is himself and his needs.

I feel extremely sorry for your daughter; she's been pleading for help. It's very sad that it's had to get to this stage before anyone would listen and take her seriously.

He is a selfish adult. She is a vulnerable child. No question that your priority should be her and your other child.

You've done the right thing. Yes it could have been done sooner but

Ffs, sausage fingers.

Yes it could have been done earlier but it's hard to end a relationship so no shaming here.

Your priority can no longer be your husband and someone else needs to support him.
Listen to your girls, if they don't want to see him, don't make them. They're old enough to say what they want and hopefully he won't try and force this.

Good luck.

This!! I can’t believe more people haven’t picked up on this bit! What a vile excuse of a mother. That poor girl doesn’t stand a chance with these two 😡

Isn't the OP just sharing what her husband has said?

Don’t worry about him, the pub will put him back together again. Why have you personally been so accepting of this. He sounds hard work to live with.

You have done the right thing. Kids come first, particularly when you can actually see the she has a point!

My friend didn't take social services advice quick enough and her son was taken away in a very similar situation . I'm afraid you need him to leave before it gets to that point . She got him back but not after a year long fight in and out of court .

"I am hoping social services offer help with counseling for them to mend their relationship".

Your husband's behaviour as a parent to your DD has been abusive. Unpredictable, volatile, obnoxious, frightening, inconsistent (sober parent Vs drunk parent)

Why do you think that would be fixed with counseling? Why should DD go to counseling with her dad, so he can continue to gaslight her, to break promises, and to leave her with the responsibility that she has to be part of fixing this? Would you expect her to do the same if this were her partner?

I don't say this lightly, if you waver on your plans to keep DH out of the house and focus on your daughter, you could be at real risk of losing her to the care system.

SS don't provide counselling. They don't have the resources. Depending on what's available in your area, they may be able to refer your daughter to a service that supports children of parents who are addicts, though if she's already got support through CAMHS they probably wouldn't recommend doing both.

You have absolutely done the right thing. Hopefully this will be the start of a new chapter for you and DD.

Hard stance here OP but as the daughter of an alcoholic narc parent this has really p*ssed me off, except as PP has posted here, he’s ‘broken’ because his cushty life and you enabling him to drink has been taken away. Thank god your DD’s OD attempt wasn’t successful. She’s told you over and over again she doesn’t want to live with him, I don’t know how you can live with the guilt. I’m mid 30’s and still suffering from poor MH from growing up in an EOW arrangement set by the court after my other parent attempted to protect me by walking away. I don’t understand why on earth it takes for the threat of SS to kick your arse into gear but you’ve got so much making up to do with DD, and for the love of god, STOP trying to force you “D”H on your daughters, they don’t want to know! They need support and understanding from you, not to be forced into more situations with their dad that they have protested against for so long.

I’m sorry if this seems harsh, but other PP’s are talking about how difficult it is to leave a relationship, my parent did and I’m still trying to live with a lifetime of bottled up MH issues due to being forced to spend time with someone who constantly put alcohol and themselves before me. I only cut ties at age 30 and I’m so messed up still. I’m trying to give you a perspective of being a child and how this effects us while our brains are still developing, and then all through adulthood as well. He is an adult and he created this situation, your DDs have not asked for this and you have given them no choice but to live with it, imagine how out of control that feels.

Your poor children, one so broken she tried suicide to get away, yet you seem more concerned with your husband. He's an adult, he can take responsibilty for himself.

Your daughter is stuck in a household where her mother believes that if the father wasn't there she'd blame someone else for her problems. I can see her blaming you when she's an adult and can fully see how you allowed an awful situation to continue.

You seem more concerned about having to sell your house than your actual children whose traumatic childhoods will affect their lives long into the future.

Well it's Friday morning here now (I'm not in UK). DH is leaving today and I'm picking up DD this afternoon.

DH has announced to me that it is not his decision and not his fault that DD2 will not see him again. He is putting the blame on DD1 and said it was her decision. I have told him that it is my decision and not her's. He asked why he didn't get a second chance. I told him he had plenty.

This is not going to be easy, but it is my fault. I should have done it years ago when it would have been a lot less messy.