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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

If your DH cheated

81 replies

wondering12 · 20/06/2023 13:27

If they deny that it happened even though you know it did. Do you think it helps to know what exactly happened or to continue imagining what you think happened which can also drive you insane.

OP posts:
cassiatwenty · 20/06/2023 13:37

If they deny it happened and you know it did, it's disrespectful and if there are no repercussions, othing stopping him from doing it again and making you feel unreasonable

cassiatwenty · 20/06/2023 13:39

It doesn't matter what exactly happened as much as having a partner who doesn't care his selfishness is making you ruminate and question yourself. He's the problem, not the situation or its detsils.

purpleboy · 20/06/2023 13:43

I don't think it matters, he has no respect for you proved by the fact he cheated in the first place then lied about it, liars and cheats don't change.

wondering12 · 20/06/2023 13:47

I'm just going round in circles like was it sex or oral, did he go back to a house or was it in a field or down an alleyway, all these things. I'm torturing myself and I just feel sick.

OP posts:
Fraaahnces · 20/06/2023 13:49

I think you know quite enough. He’s never going to tell you the truth. That makes him a cheat and a liar. You can’t live with that.

Marineboy67 · 20/06/2023 14:00

I think when you want to know details, chances are it'd probably the same as he does with you. Naturally it will be be more exciting because its a new body, new person and novelty value. But essentially sex is what it is!

wondering12 · 20/06/2023 14:02

I know then I think he would have enjoyed it much more if she's thinner and more energetic, I've had children and she may not have, gosh I just feel so sick.

If we ever had sex again would he be comparing.

OP posts:
Rainydays777 · 20/06/2023 14:06

Even if they ‘confess’ you will never ever know the full details. Ever.

I think anyone even attempting to reconcile would have to learn to live with that. Seems like torture to me. There’s a whole chunk of their life you’ll never be a part of, especially after long term affairs, I don’t see how you have true intimacy after that.

Sunshineandflipflops · 20/06/2023 14:08

Knowing my exh had cheated and who with was enough for me - I didn't want to know the sordid details. It would have served no purpose but to torture me further. I ended our marriage as soon as I found out. Well, he ended our marriage when he cheated but I put words to it, which he was too cowardly to do.

wondering12 · 20/06/2023 14:09

It was a 1 night stand, together 17 years and this is the first time as far as I'm aware. He seems to feel really guilty and looks devastated even though he won't admit it, hard to explain. He was completely intoxicated so much he was sick all over himself that night.

OP posts:
Reggiebo · 20/06/2023 14:15

Maybe get a sti test.

EllaRaines · 20/06/2023 14:20

I would play out a scene in your mind as if you were watching a film.

He was pissed. Sweaty and talking shit.
She was the same and the pair of them were alone and started fumbling around. The smell of bad breath of what they had bothered eaten and drunk.

Horrible drunk snogging with lots of saliva and grabbing at each other. Knickers off, trousers and pants down. Like two fish floundering out of water which probably lasted only a couple of minutes and then it was all over.

That's my take on what probably happened and quite frankly it sounds revolting.

Don't feel your head that it was romantic or done with emotion or either caring about each other.

Alcohol lowers inhibitions and it's no wonder he feels ashamed.

The immediate worry for him should be that he's caught something or got her pregnant.

He needs to get himself tested for any STD's.

Personally I could not forgive especially if he is denying it. At least if he came clean and was apologetic and owned up to his failure of morals and respect for you that would put him in an ever so slightly better light but no he is insulting you further by denying it.

wondering12 · 20/06/2023 14:22

@EllaRaines thank you for this it made me laugh and actually helped.

OP posts:
MayBeee · 20/06/2023 14:23

You have to decide if you can get past it and forgive him . Ask for cards on the table , 100% truth. Can you be sure it was / will be a one off ?
Get tested .

wondering12 · 20/06/2023 14:25

At the moment I'm 90% in favour of ending it but I think of the children, if he admits what's he's done I will 100% end it and he knows it so he will never ever admit this.

OP posts:
Inthedeep · 20/06/2023 14:28

What makes you think he cheated?

wondering12 · 20/06/2023 14:42

Some home Sunday morning at 7.30am went straight to bed and took his clothes off because he was so drunk and tired. His clothes were covered in makeup and tan, clearly not from just hugs it was down the sides I imagine if a girl had her legs wrapped at his waist during sex. Sick on his trousers and what looks like sperm under the zipper, smelt like perfume. I feel very clear evidence. He is just flat out denying it and can't explain the tan or makeup.

He put his clothes into the wash and went and bought clothes tablets as we had run out to wash which he would never ever do. He said because he needed to have them clean for work today, but then he didn't wear them for work today.

OP posts:
purpleboy · 20/06/2023 14:42

How do you know he cheated if he won't admit it?

wondering12 · 20/06/2023 14:44

His reaction was also completely unlike him he's mopping about like a sad puppy saying he didn't cheat and all this sob story stuff about would never hurt me or want to etc etc. it's coming across like complete guilt and he regrets what he's done, he's being nice to me.

OP posts:
purpleboy · 20/06/2023 14:44

Sorry cross post, I read your first post. Wasn't his initial reaction to get angry with you and tell you to leave the house?

I don't think you "know" for sure, but adding it all up sounds very possible. Only you know how you move forward, could you ever trust him again?

YoSof · 20/06/2023 14:48

wondering12 · 20/06/2023 14:44

His reaction was also completely unlike him he's mopping about like a sad puppy saying he didn't cheat and all this sob story stuff about would never hurt me or want to etc etc. it's coming across like complete guilt and he regrets what he's done, he's being nice to me.

No, his first reaction was to get angry and gaslight you.

Inthedeep · 20/06/2023 14:51

Sounds like you are never going to know 100% whether you are right or whether he’s telling the truth. Can you live with that? It’s an awful situation for you and I feel so sorry for you and your kids. Maybe give it a little time and see how you feel in a few days?

twoandcooplease · 20/06/2023 14:54

This would drive me to insanity I'm like you op I would need to know or go mad thinking

Clytemnestra21 · 20/06/2023 14:58

OP, I tried to forgive and put behind us an ONS by STBEX after 18 years together. Shouldn't have. He went on to foster an emotional affair which became a physical affair. Deceived me in all sorts of horrible ways for the longest time. We've been separated over a year now and locked in very difficult divorce discussions. It's changed me and I'm not healed. The further, much more serious and devious, deceit after the initial betrayal has completely broken any last shred of trust or friendship we had. I'll be okay and recover etc. but there's a level on which I'll never get over it. And having trusted him after the first time is a big part of that.
It's up to you what you decide and how you handle it. But just wanted to share that even if you try to make it work, it may end up being irrecoverable anyway.

SnapPop · 20/06/2023 15:05

OP, if he was that drunk is it possible that he can't answer your questions because he genuinely doesn't remember much of it? Not saying that's great by the way! But slightly better IMO than the alternative that he knows but is refusing to tell you.

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