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Original poster

If your DH cheated

81 replies

wondering12 · 20/06/2023 13:27

If they deny that it happened even though you know it did. Do you think it helps to know what exactly happened or to continue imagining what you think happened which can also drive you insane.

OP posts:
Season0fTheWitch · 20/06/2023 15:09

You've got another thread about this and you seem far more sure it's over on that one. Don't seek the details, you'll picture it forever. I promise you, you won't feel better about it. Get him gone, that'll make you feel better

WhineWhineWhineWINE · 20/06/2023 15:10

The details won't make you feel better. He had sex with someone else and lied his face off about it. That's really all you need to know.

Original poster
wondering12 · 20/06/2023 15:20

I know just after the initial shock I've been worn down a bit, my emotions are all over the place. I'm scared to be alone, I'm scared for the future, I feel heartbroken for the children. Like I know this is not enough reason to stay.

OP posts:
Inthedeep · 20/06/2023 15:22

SnapPop · 20/06/2023 15:05

OP, if he was that drunk is it possible that he can't answer your questions because he genuinely doesn't remember much of it? Not saying that's great by the way! But slightly better IMO than the alternative that he knows but is refusing to tell you.

This is a very good point, he was obviously drunk enough to throw up, how bad a state was he in?

Leo227 · 20/06/2023 15:26

if he won't tell you, then I'd assume the worst case scenario for you, as if it was best case - he would prefer you to think that.
also if he won't own it, fully be open and apologetic or show that he regrets it, then there is no recovery and moving forward from it so the relationship is over and the sooner you can accept that and get rid of him, the better.

Original poster
wondering12 · 20/06/2023 15:36

He was in a very bad state. I have wrote out a long message regarding ending it and separating but have not done anything with it yet. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
existingusername · 20/06/2023 15:37

If he was that drunk it's highly likely he couldn't even get it up. So there's always that.

JorisBonson · 20/06/2023 15:38

If I knew for a fact he had, regardless of the specifics, he would be out the door.

Dinoswearunderpants · 20/06/2023 15:38

wondering12 · 20/06/2023 14:09

It was a 1 night stand, together 17 years and this is the first time as far as I'm aware. He seems to feel really guilty and looks devastated even though he won't admit it, hard to explain. He was completely intoxicated so much he was sick all over himself that night.

Sick all over himself yet was able to get it up...?

Come on OP, get a grip and some self-respect and get shot of him. When there's doubt, there's no doubt.

Inthedeep · 20/06/2023 15:49

wondering12 · 20/06/2023 15:36

He was in a very bad state. I have wrote out a long message regarding ending it and separating but have not done anything with it yet. I don't know what to do.

If he was so drunk he was vomiting all over himself and in a bad way he may have problems actually getting it up…. in fact his memory could be pretty patchy.

I’m assuming in the last 17 years he’s got that drunk before, has it affected his memory etc in those situations previously?

Original poster
wondering12 · 20/06/2023 15:50

He had never ever had a problem getting it up when highly intoxicated.

OP posts:
Inthedeep · 20/06/2023 15:55

wondering12 · 20/06/2023 15:50

He had never ever had a problem getting it up when highly intoxicated.

Ok whats his memory like normally after getting drunk?

Original poster
wondering12 · 20/06/2023 16:10

If he's drank loads he won't remember stuff like most people I guess, but the fact he comes across guilty and covering his tracks shows me he does remember something.

OP posts:
Inthedeep · 20/06/2023 16:19

Are you able to get someone to look after the kids and have a really honest, calm, frank conversation with him? Explain how you feel, lay it all on the line, say how devastated you are and how you need him to be honest, completely honest with you and tell you what he knows and what he remembers. Say it’s the only way you can start to process this.

twoandcooplease · 20/06/2023 16:21

Has he got the fear around you today?

What's your gut telling you? I always regret when I don't listen to my gut instinct. It's your subconscious protection and wouldn't flag up for no reason

GeriatricMumma · 20/06/2023 16:26

Didn't you post about this the other day OP??

Bansheed · 20/06/2023 16:30

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Original poster
wondering12 · 20/06/2023 16:30

Yes I posted the other day but I'm still going through all the emotions I'm more angry now at the moment, I keep asking him to go over everything. I have an ultimatum and he's still saying he didn't do anything. I don't believe him

OP posts:
Ihaveoflate · 20/06/2023 16:32

I am reconciling with a husband who had an affair over several months last year, but that's only been possible because if his total honesty, remorse, and ability to do whatever's necessary to heal the trauma. It would not be possible (for me) with minimising, lying or rug-sweeping of any kind.

You've had a huge shock, so take your time and don't feel pressured to make any decisions immediately. I can recommend the website surviving infidelity for advice.

mummymeister · 20/06/2023 16:34

wondering12 I just dont understand this if I am honest. you are in your own mind 100% certain that he has cheated. you are definite that there was makeup, perfume and sperm on his clothes. 100% with no doubt. So why do you need him to talk about it and confirm this? you have already said yourself that he wont do this because he knows you will end it. so that is it then. you have spent days just going round and round like a goldfish - in circles and constantly asking the same question. stop all the "well if he would say this or if he would do that or now he is doing this" and just concentrate on YOU. what do YOU want to do about it? I assume you dont really want to act at all and can see a post in a years time from you saying "well its the one year anniversary and he still wont tell me". Why do you have to be reactive? why cant you be proactive? I just dont get it sorry.

YoSof · 20/06/2023 16:39

I agree with the rest, he’s never going to tell you the truth and you know he cheated.

He isn’t sorry he cheated, he’s sorry he got caught and his initial disgusting reaction tells you how little he respects you or his feelings.

Don't give him the green light to do this again, because he will. Leaving is hard, staying is hard. One option means you will be happier in time, the other is living like this. Choose your hard.

Original poster
wondering12 · 20/06/2023 16:43

I'm struggling because I still love him and also because we have 3 young children here, it's not as clear cut as just leave him and I wish it was easier to do.

OP posts:
YoSof · 20/06/2023 16:49

Is this the relationship model you want to show your children? For their dad to be so disrespectful to their mum?

I get it, leaving is hard - I did it with two children and that was hard enough.

I just think from the things you said on your other post you deserve more. You love him, but what about YOU being loved and treated properly? That’s just as important

Inthedeep · 20/06/2023 16:49

Take your time, there is no set time limit for this. You have to do what’s best for you. Move at your own pace.

GeriatricMumma · 20/06/2023 16:51

Has he offered any explanation or just said you've got it all wrong?

I'm really sorry OP. I'm not sure the truth will change anything now sadly.

You either have to come to terms with it and move on, or come to terms with it and him/you leave. Either way if you keep going over it, it will just drive you mad.

Would you even believe the truth?