Wondering, your H knows what he did. He indulged in some form of sexual betrayal and he feels entitled to keep you blind. If he had an ounce of remorse and respect, he’d come clean with honesty and transparency.
Regarding your other thread, I recall how nasty and contemptuous he was. He even said something like, ‘Why would I not go elsewhere when I’m not getting it at home,’ which was rich coming from this moody man who mistreats you and gives you no support with the children, 2 of whom are under 2.
You referred to H’s pattern of abusive behavior. Your friend has validated this, and you think we would likely agree if we could read your older threads. Indeed, he had given you the silent treatment (abusive tactic) the day before this transgression. Staying out all night, infidelity, manipulating you with bullying, lying, gaslighting, and hang-dogging — all are abusive manifestations of his selfishness and callous disregard.
Wondering, you need to get him out while you consider your options. You and the children need a peaceful environment and he needs a sharp consequence. It would be game over for me due to all of the above. I deserve respect and loyalty, and my child deserves a healthy relationship model. However, if you’re considering a reconciliation, H must come clean and give you open access to his phone, other devices, and statements. You can’t move forward if you don’t know what you’re forgiving.
Keep posting, Wondering.