If your DH cheated

[wondering12]

If they deny that it happened even though you know it did. Do you think it helps to know what exactly happened or to continue imagining what you think happened which can also drive you insane.

Yes its all very well everyone saying just tell him to go, but in reality it isn't that easy.

You have only just learnt of this, its almost like a grieving process, you just don't want to let go. But you say you haven't been out together for 4 years. Thats not normal OP. He has already detached. He has had that time to be able to do that. You haven't had the chance yet to even consider that.

However, you are struggling with this decision.
A shockingly horrible position he has put you in. When you have done absolutely nothing to warrant that. And now you think its you that has to take responsbility for the outcome. He didn't think of the children, or you, when out doing what he was doing. And you also need to consider if this was the first time. Or he just got so complacent that its the first time its been noticed by you. He brazenly came home covered in makeup and sperm ffs. You can call it a rookie mistake, or you can call it no longer giving a shit if the mrs finds out.

I'm trying to get to the root cause of why I can't just immediately walk away.

• because of the children, my oldest daughter won't cope.
• She will. I've been there and it took me way too long to make the decision. In some ways I made it worse by delaying so long, because of the dc. But the dc coped, way better than I ever thought they would. Initially it was heartbreaking, There were tears, I felt horrible, but that was short lived. Way shorter than I had thought. And I now have happy and well adjusted young adults. Ask yourself, will she cope better in 1 year, 3 years, 5 years? The answer is more than likely no, and it will also be harder on the other 2. Base your decision on you, not the dc. Happy mum, happy kids - truest statement ever.
• because I still love him even though I'm unhappy in the relationship.
• You haven't had time to process this. There has been no lead up as such. Its like grieving someone who suddenly has been taken away from you. Ask yourself, do you love him? Or the version of him you still hold in your head?
• I'm scared to be on my own.
• Absolutely natural reaction. But you know what? you'll cope. You are way stronger than you think you are right now. And you won't be on your own forever. He is familiar, that's it. You think you'll never find someone you can be yourself with, intimate with, relaxed with? Thats how I felt. And guess what? Thats not true. I honestly thought i'd be on my own forever and that I could never imagine to ever be this close to another man. I was so wrong. Imagine a life where you don't have to worry about where your partner is, where you go out together and are included, and one where you don't get shouted down when they fuck up and blame you.
• I'm worried about what people will think after being together so long, it will come as a shock to others and also some people may gloat in it.
• If they gloat they are not people worth knowing to be quite honest. So what, if some people think that. The majority of people, those that care about you, will have your back and will not judge you one damn iota for his shitty actions. They'll judge him though, but they won't judge you. Don;t make decisions based on what other people will think.
• I actually feel sorry for him because I know he regrets it, I know why do I feel this way.
• You feel sorry for him because you love him (or love a version of what you think he is/want him to be). If he was sorry his first instinct would be total devastation at what he has done and confess to you. Anything less is just him trying to save his own skin. Not yours, his. He regrets he got caught. He regrets he wasn't more careful, he regrets being so brazen about it. He regrets being an idiot (at getting caught!), He regrets it now because HE is now in hot water. His reaction was to brush you off, get angry, make threats, try everything he could think to get you to shut up about it. You haven't and now hes playing the pity/I'm so stupid/I'm so sorry card. Listen to his actions, not his words.
• I feel like I'm not doing enough to fix it and giving my children a chance.
• Why is it up to you to fix it? You didn't break it my lovely. He broke it, and now you feel you need to do more to fix it? None of this is your fault. He is trying to get you to think you're crazy, over reacting, making a mountain out of a mole hill, that its not what it looks like.... He should be fixing it. He knows what it looks like. You have your childrens backs and you don't want to rock their world. Again, putting the responsibility onto you - for his actions. You're not rocking their world though - he did, and has you thinking its your fault if they get hurt in all this. He was absolutely willing to risk throwing a grenade into their lives. He took that risk and well, here is the grenade. As long as those dc have you, they will be absolutely fine. Because you have their back and would not ever risk them in that way.

@Bookworm20 thank you so much for this I'm going to read it a few times.

I've been bombarding him with questions all day, when I asked him who he was waiting on a taxi with at 3am he said oh Mary, Paul and Tim (fake names). Later on I said you can't even explain the makeup properly. He said thinking back it must have been from putting Mary into the taxi because she was super drunk and me and Paul helped her in. I caught him out because I said why now get the taxi with her since yous live same direction, he replied that she left at 12am so too early. I then recalled that sure Mary was with them at the 3am taxi as he stated. He then said oh there was 2 Mary's.

No theres not two Mary's.

I've now told him that I can't do this and I would like him to leave. It's a process for me that I need to work through in my head to cope and I'm 80% there. Hope that makes sense but I've told him to leave now.

Stay strong OP. Nobody deserves to be treated like that and you have done the right thing. Thinking of you xxx

I think you're right and he is lying to you and you have caught him

If he comes back totally transparent and honest could you forgive?
Your dc are young and I don't think I could get over it but would also hate to lose my DP at the same time so not sure what I'd do

As much as the cheating there is the fact he's been unhappy for a long time.

That needs addressing too.

It's not just that he cheated but that months or years the relationship hasnt been working for him. How can that change?

Right now the guilt and shame may make him say he doesn't want the relationship to end but he might not stick to that.

Fundamentally the situation of you both knowing he has cheated but not discussing it is in itself a huge sign that your relationship is unhealthy.

You need an ongoing positive relationship with this man as a coparent.

You don't need to forgive him for cheating but you need both to be able to admit that this relationship has drifted for a long time. It would take huge commitment and energy from both sides to change it.

How are you doing today OP? Hope you're ok and hes giving you what you've told him you need.