Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Recreational drug use and settling down

95 replies

scooper72 · 19/06/2023 18:20

Me and my partner discussed having a family some day but his recreational drug use each month/weekend put me off. His health, motivation and finances take a hit each time he does it. He told me he hates his job and lives for the weekend as a result of this. Problem is, he hates every job and has lived in this loop since he was a teen. He is now 35. Most of, if not all, of his friends are addicts doing drugs everyday so I feel as he leaves it for the weekend, he doesn't view his usage as an issue compared to them. I don't want him to give up his friends but the temptations are always there and none of his friends have children/girlfriends so do not have any intention of slowing down.

He said he wanted to cut down but I did not see any intentions let alone actions. I felt let down often so after many disagreements, we split up. As someone who is naturally quite anxious, I really struggled with putting faith in him stopping. I found it hard to leave my future in the hands of someone doing this. I have spent the last few months working through my anxious attachment and reflected on the relationship. We all have our things to work on and improve.

We have recently rekindled and he said I just need to trust he would stop when and if I was to become pregnant/we were ready. From where i'm standing, I think I should see effort on his part now. Should someone stop and sort their life out before? Unfair of me to ask? If you love someone, do you just trust them? Struggling to figure out what is right as I do love this man and we have a lot of history. I feel terrible for splitting with him.
He has admitted he has a bit of a problem and wants to stop but then I speak with him a week later and he has plans to go out drinking which I know results in buying coke...His compromise seems to be if his mates offer and he doesn't pay and "only does a few lines" then hes changed. I know these things take time but how do you judge if its worth it?

OP posts:
CleanCar · 19/06/2023 18:29

He wont stop when you get pregnant. You are deluding yourself. Dump him now, this wont get any better, trust me

BodegaSushi · 19/06/2023 18:32

You are where the monitory of women who post complaining about their useless husbands are before the 'why did you marry him?' Questions. Except for them it's too late because they're years in and children deep.

DO NOT continue with this man and expect him to change.

Also, don't delude yourself that a person who's friends are all addicts is only using drugs 'recreationally'. I don't know a single drug addict and yet that's all he knows?

Having a man isn't the be all and end all, you're better off single.

TheYear2000 · 19/06/2023 18:32

Words are easy; actions less so.
If he hasn't changed so far, can you really believe he will become much more responsible when life gets much tougher and there's a child in the mix? You deserve better. Life with partners with addictions/habits they can't or won't stop is incredibly stressful and chaotic. Choose yourself a happier path.

Pollywoddles · 19/06/2023 18:39

He won’t change no matter what he says, if he wanted to he would have already done so.

DatingDinosaur · 19/06/2023 19:16

If he’s serious about giving it up, settling down and starting a family with you then he needs to stop NOW. Not when you’re already pregnant – it takes months to get drugs fully out of your system and his semen would have drugs in it at the point of conception. Babies can be addicts without having ever taken a drug due to one of the parents having drugs in their system. It can stunt their development, physical and mental.

It’s not your anxiety that’s stopping you putting faith in him stopping. All he’s doing is paying you lip service. He has no intention of giving up because he knows if he tells you the truth you’ll end it. He keeps winning you back with these promises but it’s all just future faking. Nothing’s actually changed and I doubt it will. Your anxiety is actually your self-protection mechanism screaming at you to get out of this now, before kids, because, deep down, you know he is not the right guy for you to build a life with.

It's ingrained in him if he’s been doing this since he was a teen. And flaking out of jobs since he was a teen. And kidding himself it’s just recreational because he only does it at weekends since he was a teen. And all his mates are single, childless druggies and it’s all he’s known since he was a teen.

Redruby2020 · 19/06/2023 19:57

CleanCar · 19/06/2023 18:29

He wont stop when you get pregnant. You are deluding yourself. Dump him now, this wont get any better, trust me

First reply and exactly what i was thinking!

NewDogOwner · 19/06/2023 20:43

Why would he change when you get pregnant and are much less likely to ever leave?

Maray1967 · 19/06/2023 21:42

NewDogOwner · 19/06/2023 20:43

Why would he change when you get pregnant and are much less likely to ever leave?

This. He has no intention of stopping. Please do not have Dc with a drug user.

ZekeZeke · 19/06/2023 21:50

You are continuing a toxic relationship with your eyes wide open.
If you bring a child/den into this, well shame on you.
You and any future children will always come second to his drugs. He has shown you who he is, it will not get better.

Have some respect for yourself and dump his druggie ass.

Foodie6 · 19/06/2023 22:24

He's not going to change OP.

He apparently respects his own theoretical child enough to stop but not you alone? That's not great is it.

Please run a mile. You know in your own post he's not going to change and you're trying to convince yourself you're wrong when you're not.

existingusername · 19/06/2023 22:34

Coke is seriously addictive , he's got a problem and he's justifying using it by saying he doesn't buy it. It doesn't matter he's doing it. The pub and coke comes hand in hand nowadays, you're a minority if you're not doing it. He won't be able to go out and have a drink or even go to the pub if he wants to actually stop. It takes a lot of hard work dedication from him and being able to open up to you about his problem without being confronted with anger if you're going to work through it. If you don't think he can or you can support him leave now. Things won't get better just because you're pregnant likely going to get worse before it does. He needs to acknowledge he's got a problem and only that can come from him. He sounds like he's right in the thick of it and I can guarantee he won't just be doing it on weekends it will creep into the week. He needs to get a hold of it now and maybe seek professional help in order to kick the habit.

Thepossibility · 19/06/2023 22:36

He won't stop when you get pregnant/have children.
Then he will “need" it more because of “stress."
Maybe he will hide it better.

holaholiday · 19/06/2023 23:01

He’s an addict with no morals, full stop …..if you’d feel happy for your future child to be a coke head then carry on otherwise move on!

bumblebee2235 · 20/06/2023 02:19

Proof is in the pudding. My partner use to smoke weed a lot when I met him. He quit. He was a wreck for a week I'm guessing as it was leaving his system. But never touched it again.. it's easy for me to trust as with his new job they have routine drug tests, so if he had slipped up I would know.

So I'd tell him now or never, you don't want to wait around being strung along. Unfortunately his friends will not be helping at all. They probably are not even friends. When my partner quit they had nothing to do with him again. 😬

WandaWonder · 20/06/2023 02:37

Its simple he stops now, can you really see that happening though?

determinedtomakethiswork · 20/06/2023 03:07

He loves what he's doing, and all his friends do even more than he does. Do you really think that by putting him in a pressurised situation with a baby as he will sit on the sofa with a cup of cocoa at night? You won't see him for dust.

You know he wants to take drugs. Why on earth are you even dating him, never mind considering having his child.

Fluffylittlepup · 20/06/2023 03:24

Have a serious discussion about stopping the drugs. Do a trial period of completely STOPPING the drugs then reevaluate.

Bekindplease · 20/06/2023 04:08

Do NOT bring a baby into the world with someone who has drugs in their system.
His toxic lifestyle will be present in his semen and it’s unfair to the baby.

I’d insist on three months sobriety and a drug test before even thinking of trying to conceive, morally this is the right thing to do.

Seriously, think about the life and relationship you want before you bring an innocent child in this. You’re worth so much better than someone who puts you second to drugs OP.

CrazyArmadilloLady · 20/06/2023 04:14

Come on, OP.

Wake up.

This man is showing you who he is. Literally showing you.

For heaven’s sake - cut your losses and get out.

There are zillions of fish in the sea - toss this sub-standard one back.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/06/2023 06:41

He has far more than a bit of a problem, he has an addiction of more than 20 years standing. His primary relationship remains with drugs, not you and it’s never been with you either?

What happened to you to get to this point?. Did you see addicted parents in childhood?.. Why is your relationship bar this low that you rekindled this toxic mess of a relationship with him?. Are you afraid to be on your own?. You’d be an absolute fool to get pregnant by him and he’s just paying lip service to you. When someone shows you who they are it pays to believe them. You cannot be his rescuer or saviour here, neither approach works.

End this relationship now and get therapy for your own self.
Read about codependency and the sunk costs fallacy and see how much both of these fit into your behaviour re him now.

shakeitoffsis · 20/06/2023 06:43

Don't have a child with this waster

blueroom · 20/06/2023 06:57

Op, if he stopped using I think it's pretty likely all these 'friends' would slowly fade from his life...that's because they're not really friends, they're drug-taking buddies and the thing that unites them is drugs.

If he really wants to change, he'll need to give that life up completely and find proper friends.

jelly79 · 20/06/2023 07:24

If you are finding it hard to leave now it will be 100 times harder when you are pregnant! If he isn't showing you any signs of effort now then he isn't in it for the long term x

SnapPop · 20/06/2023 07:29

He's an addict OP. He probably genuinely wants to stop "sometime in the future" (eg when you have a baby) and thinks he will be able to, but he won't. It's incredibly unlikely.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 20/06/2023 07:41

Look if you really want kids you can use him as a sperm donor and not marry him

But he doesn’t look like he’s likely to change ?
at all sadly