Recreational drug use and settling down

[scooper72]

Me and my partner discussed having a family some day but his recreational drug use each month/weekend put me off. His health, motivation and finances take a hit each time he does it. He told me he hates his job and lives for the weekend as a result of this. Problem is, he hates every job and has lived in this loop since he was a teen. He is now 35. Most of, if not all, of his friends are addicts doing drugs everyday so I feel as he leaves it for the weekend, he doesn't view his usage as an issue compared to them. I don't want him to give up his friends but the temptations are always there and none of his friends have children/girlfriends so do not have any intention of slowing down.

He said he wanted to cut down but I did not see any intentions let alone actions. I felt let down often so after many disagreements, we split up. As someone who is naturally quite anxious, I really struggled with putting faith in him stopping. I found it hard to leave my future in the hands of someone doing this. I have spent the last few months working through my anxious attachment and reflected on the relationship. We all have our things to work on and improve.

We have recently rekindled and he said I just need to trust he would stop when and if I was to become pregnant/we were ready. From where i'm standing, I think I should see effort on his part now. Should someone stop and sort their life out before? Unfair of me to ask? If you love someone, do you just trust them? Struggling to figure out what is right as I do love this man and we have a lot of history. I feel terrible for splitting with him.
He has admitted he has a bit of a problem and wants to stop but then I speak with him a week later and he has plans to go out drinking which I know results in buying coke...His compromise seems to be if his mates offer and he doesn't pay and "only does a few lines" then hes changed. I know these things take time but how do you judge if its worth it?

It's pointless to stay with someone because you have a lot of history if the future doesn't look good.

It sounds like he doesn't really want to give up drugs. An addict could have a hundred logical reasons to give up, but if they don't really want to deep down, they won't succeed. Your partner may be acknowledging all the logical reasons, but his actions show he's not ready to give it up.

You deserve someone you can trust and rely on. Realistically, even if he said he'd given up, could you trust him anytime that he goes down to the pub, that he isn't getting high?

I'm not bothered by a bit of drug use, in the way much of MN is, I think people have wild times, especially when younger, and blow off steam and if it happens safely and rarely it's no big deal (I say this as someone who doesn't ever use drugs myself).

But he's not young and this is a long-standing pattern and isn't going to change. Most people who abuse drugs and alcohol find their use only escalates after having children because being a parent is very stressful, and substances are an easy escape. Getting off his face will look incredibly attractive when compared to being trapped at home with a screaming baby and a fragile, exhausted partner who he perceives is always nagging him to 'help' with the baby.

Run, run, run. You are still young enough to find someone who is going to be a devoted partner and dad.

I was watching a YouTube video of a former / no longer drinking alcoholic discussing his experiences.

He said something which really resonated with me.

When he was drinking he never saw this as his long term life goal. The present day version of himself never did anything to try and sort his life out and stop drinking, but he was absolutely certain that a future version of himself would be able to. He had devolved all responsibility over his life to a version of himself that would exist in the future.

I have a history of addictive behaviour, alcohol / drug abuse. A long time ago now, but in the mid 80s this exactly how I thought.

Addiction is strange .... but I'm sure this guy 100% believes that he will sort himself out in the not too distant future. For the time being though....he'll just keep using. It's not problem because he will sort himself out in the future....

Basically, he's a loser. Drugs. Thinks he's still in his twenties. Doesn't see a problem with that. Isn't actually changing anything over the years.

Walk away. Find someone else. You deserve better than a drug addled moaner.

@Sceptic1234 that really resonates with me too! Thanks for sharing. When I was struggling with addiction, I always had this ludicrous impression that future me had more self control.

This is why addicts typically need to hit rock bottom before getting clean. They need the shock. There's no real incentive to get clean when using isn't resulting in any devastating consequences. Sadly for most addicts, getting clean for the benefit of settling down and having a family isn't enough when using continues to be a positive experience.

The problem with recreational drug use is that it starts to become a crutch for everything that goes wrong in real life and before you know it you have addiction.
He will not stop so ditch him. You deserve someone who gets high on life. Much better company !

Recreational drug use can easy spiral into addiction and especially after children because having a family is stressful.

Also taking drugs after the young experimental phase is not a good omen and neither is being surrounded by drug addicts as friends. It could flag poor self control, lack of healthy coping skills and properties.

He would be very risky choice for a husband and father.

Priorities not properties *

It ultimately depends on what kind of man your partner is deep down and if you trust him. I don’t like the idea of throwing people away and writing them off. I stayed with my partner through the wild years (9 years!!) and then got pregnant by accident. It took my DH until our baby was born but the day he arrived, my DH became the man I knew he could be. He did most of the nappy changes with both of of DCs and nearly all of the early mornings and even school runs. I always knew he was a good man and would be the best dad, and he is. Coke is a distant memory and the mates dropped off once fatherhood started. There were odd nights but old habits die hard, but die they did. He still occasionally sees some of his friends but for a few drinks. (I know if he’s done coke instantly from his voice and eyebrows, and he doesn’t do it anymore). And he’ll still get up with the kids and do good dadding.
coke is a hard habit to break, but it’s very situational. Stop the situation and there’s a chink of light. Coke is vile and makes people selfish and boring, let alone being throughly unethical and it consumes people.
So, buyer beware of your potential baby dad. It is possible that this will be the making of your partner but then he might just continue as he has been doing. it’s a big risk that could end in misery for everyone or great joy and final relief from the nastiness of coke.
I think it’s not a clear cut decision as you have history and obviously love your partner.
You know him best, have honest conversations and be clear what you’re signing up for if you decide to go ahead and what your deal breakers are. Probably insisting on abstinence to see if it’s possible for him and if he’s serious is the way to go.
good luck.

Hello, thank you all so much for taking the time to respond. I agree with your words.

(Not in his defence) I think from his POV he sees it as we are not exactly trying so he will cut down the partying over time and if I was to fall pregnant before that 'right' time, I need to trust he would just stop.
He said my "insane anxiety over the future ironically ended things" I wasn't forcing him to have kids right here and now but as a woman in her 30s, I think a year and a half into a relationship is a reasonable amount of time to start observing behaviours now which could be potential problems in the future. Unfortunately as a woman I just do not feel I have the luxury of waiting it out for years to see if my partner stops living like a student.

Perhaps we are just too different as he does not think he has to prove himself or instantly change to my 'demands' I guess thats what is making it difficult as I of course do not want to be overbearing. I do not want to be someone who leaves at the first sign of trouble. I don't think I have ever been more at a cross roads in my life! I guess that is what has led to me reaching out on the internet.

As someone who has dealt with substance abuse since a young child (the adults and carers in my life) I have first hand experience and try not to equate this behaviour to being a 'loser' as there are usually deeper issues.

He will absolutely not stop if you get pregnant. He's kidding himself that if that time comes he will be able to give up instantly and start a new life - it doesn't work like that in reality. Especially given he already says he hates his life. Having a baby is hard work.

if I was to fall pregnant before that 'right' time, I need to trust he would just stop

You have every right to expect him to step up before that point. It's incredibly unfair of him to expect you to just trust him on the matter. He needs to prove himself first.

As you say, as a woman we don't have the luxury of time if we want a family. I feel like he's feeding you a very half hearted promise of a future but he doesn't really mean it or want it himself, otherwise he'd be taking more pragmatic steps to achieve it. I'm sorry to say I think he's wasting your time.

OP, there are so many women who have believed their partners saying the same about drinking or drugs. 😢
And it doesn't stop for so many of them.

As you mention you grew up around adults who abused/used substances, I wonder if it's a bit normalised for you? There's a book called Women Who Love Too Much and one of the points it makes is that women who end up with partners who abuse drugs/booze often had parents who did the same.

It is SUCH a risk to have a child with someone who has never managed to be/tried to be clean. He has no idea if he can do it and you have no idea either. It's a lot of blind faith to bring a child into the equation in the hope that it'll be fine

Please also don't do this. The last thing you need is a druggie dad deciding he wants to see his kids whenever the mood takes him and messing you around with court etc.

Use an official donor. Raise the bar for your future kids.

Its not "insane anxiety" to worry about having children with someone who takes drugs. Insinuating that it is is straight up gaslighting

Irrespective of the backdrop to his drug use, you aren't there to fix him. You are supposed to be equal partners looking ahead to a life together, having and raising a child together and all the responsibilities in life that this will bring.

If you know there's a back story, are you maybe using it to excuse him from being a responsible adult?

If he's got issues in the past leading to poor decision making, drug use and refusal to take responsibility for himself let alone others, it's not something you can manage for him - he needs to choose to change and so far he's given you absolutely zero indication that he's ready, capable or willing to do any of this.

As someone who missed out on kids due to piss poor decisions in my 20s and 30s, be selfish. Look after you. Not him. Move on and find someone who deserves you and who can give you what you want and share it with you rather then impose their lifestyle choices upon you.

He's not the one.
You need to start looking for someone dependable now if you want children.

Don't let him move in with you

if work stresses him so much he has to get high on weekends imagine what having a baby will do to him

he will fly higher than a kite 24/7

No.

Run.

As mums, the first major decision we make for our our children is to choose the man who will be thier father. Ignore what he says about giving up in the future, look at who he is now. Is a man who takes drugs and befriends other drug addicts a good candidate to be the father of your children? You can do so much better for your future DCs and yourself.

As mums, the first major decision we make for our our children is to choose the man who will be thier father

we don’t know what we don’t know

now my DC wouldn’t exist were it not for my ex . But no women when TTC look beyond the getting pregnant and ‘baby !’ days

no one is thinking about teen years , mental health , sharing the load etc

@mindutopia Hello, thank you for taking the time to respond.

Yes, I do not jump straight to assuming someone is a low life if they have experimented with or used drugs. I believe they can be enjoyed and used safely once in a blue moon or for much frequent users, its usually some form of escapism or false way to connect/trauma bond with others. I have also been subject to this and stopped once I realised chatting politics and bad childhoods in a kitchen at 4am was not serving me or my goals. Gets boring real quick.

I agree, I feel this bad habit (unsure what exactly is an addiction) should have been kicked years ago. 35 is not old but old enough you should not be chasing the party. As mentioned in my original post, all his friends drink/use drugs every week, some every day. Some have had their licences taken off them whilst others have faced bad health problems having septum’s removed. His best friend is married with two toddlers, but he uses coke most weekends and grows/takes mushrooms. When he visits, they usually spend the weekend drinking, taking speed whilst the kids and his partner are asleep upstairs. My partner says his friend is a good, attentive partner so what’s my problem. The children are happy and safe so that’s all that matters according to him. He wouldn’t do it but doesn’t judge his friend for it.

I think you are right, getting messed up will look attractive when dealing with the stresses of raising a family. If his friends are this way and ‘good’ fathers, I face becoming the woman who is trying to control him and the nag. He even said “wait until I meet his friend’s wife, she’s really cool and chill” after I voiced my concern about their benders after the guys second child was born. I have tried to explain my views and sometimes it’s more the attitude towards his friends and own lifestyle that worries me more than the using itself. Anyone can stop but if you don’t perceive it to be bad, that could be a bigger issue.

He is a good person deep down and he often tells me if we were to have a child, he would throw himself into it like no tomorrow, quitting the drugs and not seeing friends as much. He says when you love someone you trust them and if I don’t have faith in him then there’s a bigger problem in the relationship. He shouldn’t have to prove himself to anyone. The whole thing has confused me and shook up my perception of love and trust. To his point, maybe I just did not love and trust him enough then…

We did split for a few months as it got a bit much for me and I was so emotionally exhausted over what to do so I wanted to focus on myself for a little while. A few health things brought us back together but now he said if we are to work through this, I need to gain his trust as I “chucked him at the first sign of trouble” so he is now weary of me he said!
I know I probably look crazy, but it is difficult when deep routed feelings for years are at play too....

But no women when TTC look beyond the getting pregnant and ‘baby !’ days

Speak for yourself. Plenty of women do.

OP, you don’t look crazy. This guy has no intention of changing. Already he’s pushing your boundaries and trying to change you to suit his own agenda.

Wake up! This will not end with you, him, a baby and a drug free existence. If you don’t want drugs to be a pet of your future then you need to find a partner that doesn’t partake.