Recreational drug use and settling down

[scooper72]

Me and my partner discussed having a family some day but his recreational drug use each month/weekend put me off. His health, motivation and finances take a hit each time he does it. He told me he hates his job and lives for the weekend as a result of this. Problem is, he hates every job and has lived in this loop since he was a teen. He is now 35. Most of, if not all, of his friends are addicts doing drugs everyday so I feel as he leaves it for the weekend, he doesn't view his usage as an issue compared to them. I don't want him to give up his friends but the temptations are always there and none of his friends have children/girlfriends so do not have any intention of slowing down.

He said he wanted to cut down but I did not see any intentions let alone actions. I felt let down often so after many disagreements, we split up. As someone who is naturally quite anxious, I really struggled with putting faith in him stopping. I found it hard to leave my future in the hands of someone doing this. I have spent the last few months working through my anxious attachment and reflected on the relationship. We all have our things to work on and improve.

We have recently rekindled and he said I just need to trust he would stop when and if I was to become pregnant/we were ready. From where i'm standing, I think I should see effort on his part now. Should someone stop and sort their life out before? Unfair of me to ask? If you love someone, do you just trust them? Struggling to figure out what is right as I do love this man and we have a lot of history. I feel terrible for splitting with him.
He has admitted he has a bit of a problem and wants to stop but then I speak with him a week later and he has plans to go out drinking which I know results in buying coke...His compromise seems to be if his mates offer and he doesn't pay and "only does a few lines" then hes changed. I know these things take time but how do you judge if its worth it?

Pet = part

oh come on! what he says and what he does are two completely different things. he hasnt grown up at all and still behaves like an 18 year old as do his friends. Stop seeing him as your last chance for a family and compromising. all the time you are hanging around with this waster you arent out there meeting other people who dont need to do drugs. amazed that you would want kids with someone who finds their life so stressful at the moment. as if having a child isnt THE most stressful thing you can ever do. what happens when you need help and he is off his face? what about the message it sends to the kids.

Years ago I had a partner who objected to my drug use. I used to try and convince them there was nothing wrong with it in exactly the same way. "If only they could see how much good fun my drug taking buddies and I had, then they'd see there was nothing wrong with it". This is exactly what your partner is saying....it is nothing but the way addicts speak. He has also given control over his life to a future version of himself (see my post above). Again .... addicts speak.

I would also be prepared to bet a substantial amount of money that his perception of his drug taking buddy's wife is 100% incorrect and that she's actually at her wits end. Living with a stone head is not fun

Imagine the guy off his nut on mushrooms and one of the kids wakes up and finds him. Nope. He can argue this til the cows come home. I strongly advise you (having experience of living with a drinker who always promised to cut down and grow up when kids arrived and never did - if anything drinks more) get out whilst you can. Imagine you having a baby and splitting up down the line and having to send the kid to his on his drug fuelled weekend benders….how will you feel then?

@Sceptic1234 I later found out the wife joined in "only for a few lines" before going off to bed with the kids! There you bloody go then!

I know of parents who drink and use drugs when they go to a festival once a year (babysitter in place) so I am not saying you absolutely cannot ever 'let loose' again. Personally I wouldn't just in case I was given a bad dose but these people are in their homes!

Also, paternity leave is only a few weeks so 2 weeks after my wife's birth I just would not use those precious moments taking drugs. Do it when you're at a stag do or not seeing your kids for at least a few days

@mummymeister Hey, thank you for responding.

I am not trying to get pregnant now, these are more future plans hence my original question of not knowing wether to trust he will stop.

He may calm down over the next year or 2 but I am worried to put faith in that and end up mid-late 30s starting again. I imagine looking for a future father will be much harder !!

He's clearly enjoying that part of his life.

Not only is he unlikely to drop it but he might find being committed to work he hates because he's a dad to be even more stressful.

I know one person who was stressed, miserable and just gamed at the weekend till he had a baby. His wife was the same.

Having a baby did make them joyful and they changed their lives but i think that's rare. I was delighted to see it but I was surprised. I would move on, I'm afraid.

OP like you I'm not overly judgmental about drugs, having used them along with many friends and family

It is because of this experience that I think you are making a big mistake. This is not a young guy letting loose, this is a grown adult who hates his everyday life and gets high rather than sort it out. He doesn't just have a couple friends to indulge with, all his friends are getting off all the time.

Of course people can change but this guy shows 0 likelihood of that and you are not crazy to have doubts. He's really doing a number on you, making you believe your extremely reasonable concerns are a bad thing. Please just leave him again, I swear you won't regret it.

Also there is nothing wrong with running at the first sight of trouble! That is actually how to avoid lots of unnecessary drama and stress.

It was only when I started doing that that I stopped dating fuckwits and met my amazing husband. Of course he's not perfect but nothing about him is 'trouble'.

Yes of course some people manage to cut down or come off their drug habit, but I wouldn't bank on it. It's a long hard lonely life trying to care for someone who perpetually prioritises their booze, weed, coke or nameless white powders in plastic bags over anything else. Work, relationships, loyalty - they all take a back seat. Money disappears too. What you thought was available for the rent, mortgage, groceries, car tax and the like will vanish without trace. Add kids into the mix an the burden as a partner and carer can easily become overwhelming. It's not just the pharmacological effects either. So much of their life becomes absorbed with acquiring drugs, finding 'friends' to take them with, places where you can do so without interruption, organising leisure activities so that these involve drugs and so on. It's more or less a full time job for some people.

Just a note, @mummymeister if I was trying to get pregnant right now I would for sure ask him to absolutely stop right now! As I am not looking to for another year or 2 is why I am confused with wether to let go or hold on :)

Nailed by the first reply.

If he were serious he would have stopped before you took him back. Once you're pregnant he will continue and you either decide to expose your child to living with a drug addict who spends all his money on drugs or end up single.....not to mention his shitty unhealthy sperm.

If he hates his job now at 35 and has hated every job for almost half the time he has been alive why assume fatherhood is going to be his calling.....did he hate school too?

@Thisisworsethananticpated I know there is a certain amount of trust involved, some men only show thier true colours once thier partner has a baby or red flags are subtle, but OP's partner has made it obvious what sort of person he is. She would be going into parenthood with a drug abuser with her eyes wide open.

If he is still using in 2 years....(he probably will be), and still hating his job (as he has done for almost 18 years) will you be young enough to find someone and have children or are you happy never to have kids and stay with the Junky?

Lots of people commenting without experience here. Lots of my friends have been or are regular users. Most have given up entirely when they have had kids. Of course a few haven't

If he isn't using all the time then he isn't an addict. And can easily not continue. You know him better than randomers on MN. But ...be careful it's a costly habit of he has one and doesn't stop

I wouldn’t have a baby with him unless he’d been clean for a couple of years first.

He's good at turning it to your problem .....I doubt if that stops at drugs....does he do equal shares in household stuff and pay his share of bills? Do you go out and have fun without being around his friends? Does he see your friends?

If he isn't using all the time then he isn't an addict

It is completely inaccurate and potentially dangerous to suggest one isn't an addict unless they're using all the time. This is a misconception that many use to minimise and justify their habits. It simply isn't true.

You also don't know the experiences of those offering advice.

This is reminding me of a little tableau I saw a while ago out of my back bedroom window. It overlooks the back yards of a number of other Victorian terraced houses in the neighbourhood. In a nearby yard a little girl in a yellow tee shirt and pink leggings was playing. A woman was sitting to one side with a piece of foil held up to her face, heating it with a lighter. I'm no expert, but it looked like some sort of dragon was being chased. 'Mummy, mummy, mummy' said the child, but sadly mummy was in no state to give her much attention. What kind of a life is that for a kid? As well as the burden on oneself involved of having a family with a heavy drug user, it's important to think about the kind of life this will be offering the children when they come along. Poverty, neglect from parents who are too stoned to care, a long term process of baking in the multiple disadvantages and deprivations. It doesn't look good.

Honestly having a baby with him knowing this would be your first act of bad parenting. Children desevere more. If he could just stop he would do it now.

So, what happens if your contraception fails and you get pregnant? he is just going to suddenly stop is he? Or, let me make an experienced guess here, will he say "right well I am going to stop the minute the baby is born" and then when the baby is born it will be "right yes, the minute the baby goes into their own room" "the minute the baby is crawling" "the minute they go to nursery" and on and on and on. He doesnt want to give up his lifestyle for you so why do you think he will do it for a baby? Where is the confusion in all of this? you have made your view clear and he isnt interested so what are you waiting for?

Keep your history as history - then find someone decent to settle down with.
It's heartbreaking to see good women devote themselves to idiots like this.

@Maddy70 Yes I wasn't sure if I brand him an 'addict' Maybe I am too desensitised.
He does coke most weekends as he drinks most weekends. If not, id say he at least does a bit once a month. Twice a month average then?
I asked if he ever socialises with his friends sober and he said no. Most men I know use the pub as their outlet after a long week.

He did tell me he used to be bad doing it in the week also but reduced it to 'occasionally' at the weekend. Maybe our perceptions of what is occasional is different. I do feel as his friends are quite bad, he believes he is fine and in control.