Recreational drug use and settling down

[scooper72]

Me and my partner discussed having a family some day but his recreational drug use each month/weekend put me off. His health, motivation and finances take a hit each time he does it. He told me he hates his job and lives for the weekend as a result of this. Problem is, he hates every job and has lived in this loop since he was a teen. He is now 35. Most of, if not all, of his friends are addicts doing drugs everyday so I feel as he leaves it for the weekend, he doesn't view his usage as an issue compared to them. I don't want him to give up his friends but the temptations are always there and none of his friends have children/girlfriends so do not have any intention of slowing down.

He said he wanted to cut down but I did not see any intentions let alone actions. I felt let down often so after many disagreements, we split up. As someone who is naturally quite anxious, I really struggled with putting faith in him stopping. I found it hard to leave my future in the hands of someone doing this. I have spent the last few months working through my anxious attachment and reflected on the relationship. We all have our things to work on and improve.

We have recently rekindled and he said I just need to trust he would stop when and if I was to become pregnant/we were ready. From where i'm standing, I think I should see effort on his part now. Should someone stop and sort their life out before? Unfair of me to ask? If you love someone, do you just trust them? Struggling to figure out what is right as I do love this man and we have a lot of history. I feel terrible for splitting with him.
He has admitted he has a bit of a problem and wants to stop but then I speak with him a week later and he has plans to go out drinking which I know results in buying coke...His compromise seems to be if his mates offer and he doesn't pay and "only does a few lines" then hes changed. I know these things take time but how do you judge if its worth it?

@mummymeister Hey, so he said if I was to accidentally fall pregnant now, he isnt sure he would want to keep it until he sorted himself out a bit.
If we were to keep it, he would stop and put things in place. Of course this is a huge risk for me.

If he does it every weekend then it is a habit. It might not be addiction but it's a habit he's got into. Coke costs a lot of money and on that basis alone I would question your future

Your mistake was getting back together. You know that he isn't right for you or good father material. Cut your losses and move on.

@dreamingbohemian Hey, thank you for your response.

That is a good point, I did not think of it this way. If someone chooses to do this weekend in and weekend out because they dislike their job, that’s not a good sign. When they don’t like something, they get messed up instead of sorting it.
I can’t lie I have seen him have a few interviews over the past year, but they just seem to be jobs to just get him out of his current one and he expresses many doubts about them. I feel had he not spent his 20s doing coke, he probably would have found something he enjoyed by now. Of course, that’s not my problem nor can he go back.
He is an amazing musician and I’ve tried to help him get into that, but it doesn’t stick, and he doesn’t have much luck. To be honest, I am not sure I’d even prefer that as that scene comes with a lot of late nights and party people…

I do sympathise and can see how people easily fall into this trap (I have lost most of my family and some friends to drink/drugs and its cycle with depression) so of course part of me doesn’t want to abandon this guy.

I am happy for you that you found your husband (: No, no one is perfect, but I hope you are perfect for each other!

Go onto Spotify and search 'Dapper Laughs'.
He's straight now, but he has struggled with "the sesh". You don't want this.

he is waving a red flag directly in front of your face yet you refuse to acknowledge it! you dont get pregnant by yourself, he plays his part. so he would sooner that you have an abortion than he stops taking coke immediately and you dont think he is an addict? dear lord, wise up please. and no, not all men go to the pub every week. You really are desensitised to the whole drugs issue. its like you think all women would put up with this shit. they wont and they dont.

Thanks OP : ) Honestly I can relate to your situation a lot, it sounds like my life in my early 30s. I would say that I gave the men in my life too many chances to redeem themselves. They were good people deep down, they had a lot of potential, etc etc. I didn't want to be one of these judgmental people who just write people off.

But looking back I can see that by doing this, I was sacrificing my own happiness, my own goals. I wanted to do something with my life, to be happy. Why did I tie myself for so long to men who just wanted to drift along, to actually make their lives worse than they needed to be?

If you end this relationship, you have a chance to find someone else who is ALSO a great guy and who you love, but without all the drugs and nonsense, someone who would be a great dad and partner. I promise you, staying with this current guy will shrink your life and bring you so much misery. Don't do what I did and wait years to get out.

This again? Do people never ever learn?

How do you know people have no experience. Some drug addicts hold down responsible jobs just like some Alcoholics.
Long term cocaine does affect your brain as does long term cannabis use.

if I was to fall pregnant before that 'right' time, I need to trust he would just stop.

so he said if I was to accidentally fall pregnant now, he isnt sure he would want to keep it until he sorted himself out a bit

So he says you need to trust he would simply stop if you fell pregnant, but now he's saying he'd probably want you to terminate if that happened so he has a chance to sort himself out.

OP I really get the sense he's just stringing you along. He'll always be willing to give it up and start a family "in the future". But that future is never going to come. He's set up a situation where he doesn't want to give up the drugs until you get pregnant, but he doesn't want you to get pregnant until he gives up the drugs.

I understand you don't want to "abandon" him, but he is not your responsibility. If you want a family, you really need someone you can rely on, not an extra person to take care of and worry about. It wouldn't be abandoning him to realise he can't give you what you want. You're allowed to put your own wants and needs first, this does NOT make you selfish.

He didn't stop, and let you walk away. He won't stop when you're pregnant either, and you will be much less willing or able to walk away. He may believe what he says, that doesn't mean that you have to.

You can also question why walking away from a relationship that contains a level of drug use that you find uncomfortable, and that you've repeatedly given him your feelings on, equates for you to leaving at the first sign of trouble.

That's just not what is going on here. If you were picking a man to have a baby with OP, he wouldn't be it.

Sounds like you've been in an environment where drugs are normalised but it's not normal its not good for the children it's not good for the finances. Yes it does cause mental health issues. Do you want any child you have thinking this is normal and following the same miserable path?

If he hates his line of work I would encourage him to do what it takes to change it. If you have kids and he is the sole breadwinner this will make him feel more wedded to a job he dislikes. This, in turn with the stress of being a first time parent may make him lean more heavily on drugs and booze as a crutch.

I would also encourage him to get coke-free before trying for a child. I presume he is pretty useless after a night snorting and drinking (given how much more Coke lets you drink). Even if that is 1-2 nights a week, with a kid that can have a big effect on parenting and a marriage.

if he is a musician and loves that, I would encourage him to find opportunities for that. Making music is a great outlet. Can he set up a home studio? Find opportunities for playing that don’t involve lots of pubs/clubs/venues/late nights?

Also, he may need some help to give up the Coke if he’s been doing it weekly for 20 odd years. “Addiction” doesn’t always mean daily use and having massive problems. Something like Smart Recovery could help if he’s having any issues quitting.

How do you know what people’s experience is?

There are plenty of people on here who had a good time in their 20s / youth.

Plenty of people are posting from this perspective - this man very clearly does not read as a genuinely recreational user.

As someone who has dealt with substance abuse since a young child (the adults and carers in my life) I have first hand experience and try not to equate this behaviour to being a 'loser' as there are usually deeper issues.

But surely the drug use being potentially due to deeper issues makes it even more obvious you should end things? Any deeper issues will likely make it harder for him to give up the drugs, plus you should be cautious about starting a family with someone who has issues which led him to drug use in the first place.

It is one thing saddling yourself with a manipulative (based on what he has said about your relationship and his judgement of your reasons for splitting up with him), drug taker. It's quite another thing to saddle a child with this man as a father. Being a good person 'deep down' just isn't good enough. It's his day-to-day behaviour, including how he is on his worst days, that will determine whether he is a good partner and father.

Why waste your time?

There's plenty out there who don't waste their lives or money on drugs.

Aim higher

As someone who has dealt with substance abuse since a young child (the adults and carers in my life) I have first hand experience and try not to equate this behaviour to being a 'loser' as there are usually deeper issues.

This is a depressingly low bar. You try not think of someone - a partner and potential father of your children - as a ‘loser’….?

There are lots and lots and lots of other people out there, who also aren’t ‘losers’. Surely some of them are worth more of your time….? 😔

I wish I had written this post and received this advice 5+ years ago. I just didn't see it for what it was and had 2 DC to him whilst he hid his addiction. It has taken so much for me to unravel out of the situation and it has been hard work. He is still addicted. I am a single mum.

Absolutely do not trust him to change. People need to be prepared to makes loads of sacrifices to the life they has pre kids and if he can’t even do this for starters……..