Told my sister I don't want her to be my bridesmaid AIBU?

[Weddingpuzzle]

Laid awake stressing and feeling generally awful. Will try to be short and factual. I get married in 6 days. Wanted a low key wedding, we aren't having best men/first dances/speeches etc. I wanted to elope as second time round for me but DP's mum wanted to see one of her DC's get married. My sister pretty much insisted on being a bridesmaid so I gave in. Nobody has done any planning or helped me in anyway which was fine, we were happy with that. No financial help, again happy with that. DP and I are setting up alone on Friday. Happy with that.

Long story short she's shown zero interest, refused to attend my hen which she was invited to twice, as she fell out with our mutual friend, refused to pick a dress out until I ordered a few online for her to try and tried to pick a bridal hairstyle exactly same as mine which I said I'd rather she didn't. Insisted she's walking me down aisle when I want to walk down alone because she doesn't want to walk alone. She booked a £££ afternoon tea and sprang it on me there that we were paying for my Mum's. I bought her dress, hair & makeup and transport etc. I suggested I could either book a room in a hotel or get ready at her house months ago, she agreed we could get ready at hers, have brunch at hers and all 13 of my family (including my 3 DC, her DC, my parents, our brother and our elderly gran) go in the minibus together to the venue.

Yesterday she said she didn't want anyone coming to her house apart from me, my mum and her on the wedding day now. No food. Nobody allowed upstairs. Basically said she didn't want it there now. I want my DC, especially DD with me in the morning. DD is only 11. So I had to scrabble to change plans last night. Florist, brunch delivery, hair & makeup and minibus now coming to my house. My sister caused chaos at Christmas by uninviting just me, DP and my DC last min (it was her turn to host, we hosted the previous year) but my parents and brother were still invited. So I just snapped and said she's not causing chaos and drama around the wedding and I want my DD to have the flowers and hair slot and I don't want my sister to be my 'bridesmaid'. She's called me pathetic, disgusting, a brideszilla, I didn't invite her to my hen do and a called me a bully in messages since and put a vile message about me in the family chat. DP has said to mute and archive her and ask my mum to deal with her which I have. My mum has ignored me and will bollock me for upsetting her. But AIBU? I am sick of being the bigger person and allowing her to trample all over me. I am too fed up for the bin fire of AIBU to post there. Thanks for reading 😭

God OP, she sounds awful. And totally egocentric.

Have no advice but wishing you a wonderful wedding. Remember, it's about you and your other half making a commitment to each other. The rest is just a circus.

I would elope and take his mum, your children and a couple of others with you.

Your sister is a loose cannon and you don't know what she will object to on the day so you need to remove her from YOUR day.

Thank you @suburbophobe exactly why I wanted to elope! To avoid the circus. Going to have to work hard on not letting her get to me this week but really wish we'd just gone to Gretna.

Cancel the cake. Then if they flap say “but you said you’d done it with no help so I figured you had the cake sorted?”

Step waaaaaaaay back from these people.

Gosh it's your wedding. Normally I'd say just keep the peace but she sounds like a nightmare. Fire her. Asap!

Sorry, I don’t know what happened here. Ignore me!

My advice: elope with your new MIL in attendance. Explain to her that your family is about to ruin your wedding.

Congratulations on two counts: firstly on your wedding, and secondly on having the courage to stand up to your sister. Wishing you a wonderful and peaceful day. Don’t back down. You get one chance at this day, so make sure it’s the day you want.

She sounds awful. Well done for standing up to her. Put her out of your mind and enjoy your day.

Why will your mum take ds side
? Is she scared of her or the reason she's like this?
I'd elope with everyone bar your dm and dsis!

My parents enable her and treat her as 'the princess' their words. She speaks to my Mum several times a day. Which is fine by me, I'm independent and that would do my head in. Nothing can upset her and they would never challenge her. My dad just said circumstances have changed yesterday when my brother pointed out to the room that this was a very shitty thing to do 6 days before the wedding.

Your sister wants to be the bride in the wedding, the child in the christening and the body in the funeral.

YABU to change all the stuff last minute because of her and to allow her to be your bridesmaids.

YANBU calling this a day and never again enable her shitty actitud.

If someone else take part and speak with you about it telling you bla bla bla, explain it clear and simple and cut ties with anybody that thinks that is her celebration. It is isn't. Is your as your DH to be.

She sounds awful. I'm glad your brother stood up for you.

Wow, I've never heard of a bridesmaidzilla before but your sister is one! YANBU in any way. Good on you for getting shot of her, she sounds awful

To do list:
Stick to your guns. Don’t let your sister ruin your day. Enjoy being with those that make you feel good about yourself. Don’t let your sister or mother make you feel bad. Have a super day on Friday!

Ugh, your sister and parents are vile. What how the fuck did they defend their little Princess when she uninvited you from Christmas? Horrible people.

I'm surprised you didn't uninvited her over the Xmas stunt. That was an obvious snub.

@eish thank you. That to do list is very helpful.

My DP's defend her because they say she has an unhappy marriage and needs no upset. So with Christmas it was okay for her to do that because 'she's stressed'. I do understand that but she externalises her unhappiness and can not accept that sometimes her behaviour hurts people and it causes bloody inconvenience and mayhem as I'm rushing around sorting out the fall out of her whims! But this time I am determined to say this is not okay - this is my line in the sand. My DD not being allowed to get ready with me was never going to happen.

Take DH’s Mum as your witness and go to Gretna. I could not stand all of this drama. Just be firm and stand your ground. Good luck.

@Weddingpuzzle sounds like she is golden child who can do no wrong.

stick to your guns. She wouldn’t even be allowed to attend mine after this shit. And of that means the enabling parents don’t come so be it.

I’d rather they not attend than spend the day wondering what my sister/parents were going to do or say next to upset me.

Create a life without her in it. Sounds like at least you have one sibling that’s not an absolute numpty. Stick with that one.

hope the day goes well. Don’t let them pull you down. Stand firm. You got this.

Don’t engage with your dm, df or dsis at all until the wedding day.
Your dsis feeds on the drama, if there isn’t any she’ll starve.

She’ll still turn it on you but ignore. My dh’s db called me some terrible things on fb 3 years ago, I’ve never responded but he still didn’t invite us to a big celebration last year even though my dh has done absolutely nothing wrong.
We accept we’re better off without them.

Enjoy your wedding day. X

Your parents should have your back here! YOU do not need this stress on the run up to YOUR wedding day.

You did the right thing. Be prepared that she may not come out of spite - but to be honest seems like that will work out better for you and she'll only be spiting herself. If she does come, be prepared that some drama may kick off, ignore it, not on your day, ask a staff member to ask her to leave if anything, and I mean anything, kicks off.

Enjoy your day as best you can. You didn't want a bridesmaid in the first place and other than being at the front and part of the center of attention she doesn't really want to be a bridesmaid. Or a supportive sister by the looks of things. She sounds like a complete spoilt brat.

I chose a family member who has a tendency to be diverish (never around me but in general) and incredibly stubborn when she doesn't want to do or wear something - I told her in no uncertain terms that the first sign of any diverish or rebellious attitude I would have no qualms in revoking the bridesmaid post. She knows full well I would too, so she was golden, thankfully. Because she was also a child still at 15 and children are unpredictable 😂

You have done the right thing! Stay strong and be firm - if anyone says anything list it all out, blunt and matter of fact. They'll make their own mind up and regardless of their response know full well they'd have done the same.

I am so sorry op. You are in a rock and a hard place. You do, whatever you want to. It’s your special day. Don’t her spoil it. It’s not your fault that she’s in an unhappy marriage. Only she can sort that out. Focus on you and your happiness. Your brother sounds lovely. I am glad that he stuck up for you. I hope that you have the wedding that you want and you are surrounded by people who love you. Have a fantastic wedding op. 💐💐💐💐

You’ve done an amazing thing here - you’ve drawn a line and told your DS “ no more”
This was always going to happen , she’s trying to control you & take the attention away from you by changing plans etc .She’s now playing the victim ( poor me, unhappy marriage etc) This is typical narcissist behaviour.
Take back that control and don’t ever get into a situation where she can control you again
I speak from experience.
Good luck & enjoy your day xx

I'm so sorry that your sister is behaving like a spoiled brat here. She sounds desperately jealous of you which might explain though not excuse her behaviour. She hasn't had a successful marriage so she is trying to sabotage yours. I'm delighted that your brother could see what a shitty thing his other sister was doing and said as much.

It's such a shame that your parents have been her flying monkeys for so long. They probably don't know any different themselves by now if she has been behaving like this for a while.

I'm going to suggest something here and I don't know how it would float or if your side of the family would take a blind bit of notice but hear me out.

What would happen if your DP (DH to be) was to make a solo visit to see your mother and your sister or even just your mother? He would say to her that your sister's behaviour is unacceptable and will not be tolerated by him or anyone else involved in the wedding. That said, she is more than welcome to attend as a guest with no specific function but if she feels she cannot, that's ok too. Neither of you will be putting up with anyone trying to appease her and make your day all about her instead (which would be pointed at your mother). If anyone makes any allowances for your sister on your day, they will be asked to leave, at any point in the day. This includes your mother and your father. It is your day and your DH to be's day. He needs to make this clear and to firmly draw that line in the sand so that your parent(s) know that you both mean it this time. You're not putting up with her shitty behaviour any more.

Best of luck to you and have a wonderful wedding and marriage!