Told my sister I don't want her to be my bridesmaid AIBU?

[Weddingpuzzle]

Laid awake stressing and feeling generally awful. Will try to be short and factual. I get married in 6 days. Wanted a low key wedding, we aren't having best men/first dances/speeches etc. I wanted to elope as second time round for me but DP's mum wanted to see one of her DC's get married. My sister pretty much insisted on being a bridesmaid so I gave in. Nobody has done any planning or helped me in anyway which was fine, we were happy with that. No financial help, again happy with that. DP and I are setting up alone on Friday. Happy with that.

Long story short she's shown zero interest, refused to attend my hen which she was invited to twice, as she fell out with our mutual friend, refused to pick a dress out until I ordered a few online for her to try and tried to pick a bridal hairstyle exactly same as mine which I said I'd rather she didn't. Insisted she's walking me down aisle when I want to walk down alone because she doesn't want to walk alone. She booked a £££ afternoon tea and sprang it on me there that we were paying for my Mum's. I bought her dress, hair & makeup and transport etc. I suggested I could either book a room in a hotel or get ready at her house months ago, she agreed we could get ready at hers, have brunch at hers and all 13 of my family (including my 3 DC, her DC, my parents, our brother and our elderly gran) go in the minibus together to the venue.

Yesterday she said she didn't want anyone coming to her house apart from me, my mum and her on the wedding day now. No food. Nobody allowed upstairs. Basically said she didn't want it there now. I want my DC, especially DD with me in the morning. DD is only 11. So I had to scrabble to change plans last night. Florist, brunch delivery, hair & makeup and minibus now coming to my house. My sister caused chaos at Christmas by uninviting just me, DP and my DC last min (it was her turn to host, we hosted the previous year) but my parents and brother were still invited. So I just snapped and said she's not causing chaos and drama around the wedding and I want my DD to have the flowers and hair slot and I don't want my sister to be my 'bridesmaid'. She's called me pathetic, disgusting, a brideszilla, I didn't invite her to my hen do and a called me a bully in messages since and put a vile message about me in the family chat. DP has said to mute and archive her and ask my mum to deal with her which I have. My mum has ignored me and will bollock me for upsetting her. But AIBU? I am sick of being the bigger person and allowing her to trample all over me. I am too fed up for the bin fire of AIBU to post there. Thanks for reading 😭

She probably thinks you’ll beg her to come. I’d just reply and say, thank you that is an excellent solution. Then having nothing more to do with her. Check that your parents are coming and if they’re not responding give them a deadline to respond as you’ll need to cancel air b and b. Then you can spend the £300 on something nice for you and dp.

have a wonderful day on Friday. X

Sounds like your leap of faith by marrying again will be rewarded because this time you have the right groom! And the right brother, and a lovely daughter. These are the people you deserve.

As for your sister's marriage being unhappy, well, I'm always sorry for women trapped in unhappy marriages, but I did kind of wonder who is to blame in this case. She doesn't sound like someone who knows how to build a happy relationship. I also wondered how trapped in it she is, given that she has supportive parents who would surely help her out of it if necessary. Either way, as a PP said, you were in a HORRIBLE marriage and got yourself out of it without turning into a horrible person yourself, so maybe that's not the reason.

Time for a new chapter in your life surrounded by people who have your back. Enjoy your wedding day💐

Glad this has been resolved in time that you can recover and get excited for your wedding. Your DSis is awful and assume jealous of your happiness to be doing this. I have had family fall outs and know the horrible shaky feeling. Would advise blocking them all in the run up so you're not further upset by getting any more messages. You've got this! x

Good luck OP, I hope your wedding goes well.

My advice would be to block your sister and BIL. Tell your parents they are welcome to attend but you don't want to hear a word about her. Can you get your DB to run interference if needed?

Sounds like an unwelcome dose of reality - and you refusing to tiptoe around her shitty behaviour - is exactly what she needs.

Perfect advice. Your sister is expecting/wanting you to beg her to go, she wants to be the centre of attention as you all say "I can't believe Sister isn't here!"

Don't let her have it. Don't give her anything, pay it no mind, and enjoy her absence and the peace that brings!

Agree absolutely dreadful of your parents to do this to you!

Have a lovely wedding day OP!

Thank goodness you have your dress! A sister free wedding and life for you. Christmas at yours- mum and dad sure you can come but sister isn’t welcome, I’m sure that’s obvious since she uninvited us from Christmas at hers but I need to be clear. I’m not going to revisit that and if you can’t support it then just don’t come.
your dh sounds like a star.

Your sister needs therapy to deal with her own demons. It is not your job to fix her or your family.

as you move into your new life she is trying to control you and bring your focus back to her. But she is an adult and needs to deal with her own damaging behaviour

know that you have done all you can and the time now is for you, your new family and your future.

have a wonderful day - each time you find yourself worrying about your sister and parents, look at your kid and partner and smile and step forward x

I really commend you for being able to take it on board as these things can be hard to hear.

You have had enough pain and grief in your life, and normal decent people would be thrilled for a child and sibling to be moving forward into a happier chapter.

It takes real strength and bravery to leave an abusive relationship and it takes similar strength to say No more to being the emotional punching bag for an awful sister, and parents.

Actions have consequences and honestly your family will not change, so it really is time they experienced consequences for their awful behaviour.

So you will be the one who will have to pull away and refuse to be involved with anything that involves your sister, and make it very clear to your parents that you really have no great need to see them either if they don't shape up.

Invest in this good man, his lovely family that want to celebrate you, and your brother who is a real support.

There are lots of people around you who really want to celebrate your future, rather than a toxic sister who brings nothing but grief with her, and parents who support her toxic behaviour.

Detaching from your family will bring huge rewards, namely calm inner peace.

No more second guessing yourself and pushing down your emotions, hurt and upset.

You now know you need NEVER consider them at Christmas again.

I am so glad your dress is fine.

Block all their numbers and enjoy the pre wedding excitement and every good wish for a glorious day and a long happy life together.

You deserve it.

Now don't allow ANYONE to come between you and having it.

Completely agree.

Have an amazing day OP! Just focus on you and your lovely partner and having a wonderful time and deal with her another time.

She didn’t want to see you happy 😔.

What will you do about your parents?

Excellent news she isn't coming. She would have ruined it.
Make sure she doesn't rock up anyway, She won't like being "cut out".
Be ready to tell her to leave, this is YOUR wedding, she has done everything she can to sabotage it & make it all about her.

Wishing you a wonderful wedding free of your toxic family. They are awful.

Being in therapy for the last couple of years and realising how abusive my family was all my life has been devastating but eye-opening and every day I feel less of the fear, obligation and guilt (FOG) I was brought up in.

Looking at what you've posted, nobody in their right mind would think your family's behaviour is acceptable. The lack of empathy for what you have been through is astounding, and the prioritising of your sister is disgusting.

It seems to me that your sister, like my only sibling, is quite overtly narcissistic. I realised many years ago that he was a narc and went no contact with him, but I didn't realise until recent years that my "mother" is too - in her case she's covertly narcissistic, which is absolutely head-wrecking as no-one sees it and you think you're going crazy. She would tell me she loved my while her behaviour proved she saw no worth in me at all, and I believed her words.
I wonder if it might be similar in your family, that your mother behaves in a covert narcissistic way, enabled by her husband?

I hope you can have a great stress free wedding day, and can put this all out of your head for a while. In time you might find my go-to resources helpful
Insight - Exposing Narcissism podcasts,
Videos from Dr Ramani,
Instagram posts from understandingthenarc and patricktheahantherapy
plus a couple of books in particular:
Lindsay Gibson, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents
Susan Forward, Toxic Parents
Someone here recently recommended Mary Toolan and I think her website is very useful https://www.marytoolan.com/
Also look for the Stately Homes threads on the Relationships board here, the most recent one is dated April 2023. There are quite a few posters who have experienced a wide variety of narc behaviour and the threads are both eye opening and supportive.

Just to finish off my (sorry, long) post, it's not you - it's them. You deserve better.

Reply back to the message about not going, "I think that's for the best."

And leave it at that.

Dont let her or your shitty spineless parents ruin your day.

I hope you're having a wonderful day today! Best of luck to you 👰

Have a lovely peaceful day.

I hope you had the most wonderful and drama free wedding OP!

Thanks all. It was an amazing day full of happiness, love and joy.

My sister has gone into full on meltdown and has blocked and ignored my brother and my parents, and her and her husband have left the family WhatsApp group. She is annoyed my DP's came to the wedding apparently. She stopped two of her friends attending. My 15 year old nephew, her eldest DC, insisted on coming to the wedding so she'll be fuming about that but her DH and my youngest nephew didn't come. She ranted at my brother that she has been 'bullied by this family all my life' before blocking him. It's an outright lie, we her birth family have appeased and enabled her strops but are now challenging that and we are labelled 'bullies'

Her DH is winding her up and escalating it by the sound of it. The problem is this is a man who has called her a c*@t a week after a major operation, pleases himself and emotionally and physically abuses their eldest child and has been caught sending inappropriate and suggestive messages to other women - I'm not sure why she thinks relying on him is a great idea but I am done offering her any further support or sympathy as she has taken all that and thrown it back in my face. I have to advocate and concentrate on me and my family now as they are toxic.

I also need to think about and try to change my people pleasing tendancies because I think they contributed to this situation - I didn't want a bridesmaid. If I would have said no to her pressure to start with none of this would have happened so I take responsibility for my part in it too.

I'm so glad to hear you had an amazing wedding day. Although sorry that your sister has gone off the deep end! How are your parents dealing with it? They must surely see how unreasonable she is being. It's utterly baffling that she thought your parents shouldn't go.

Sticking to your guns going forward sounds like a good plan. I hope she doesn't cause anymore dramas. It must be a bit of a relief that she's blocked you, but I really am sorry that she's caused you so much upset.

I didn't see your thread before but I'm so glad you had a lovely day and didn't let her spoil it.
I cheered about your DH rescuing your dress etc, and that your nephew stood up for himself and came anyway despite his parents.
You deserve a bit of peace and if that means her not being in contact with you, so be it. I hope your parents are starting to see the 'real' her and this awful behaviour has drawn a line in the sand.
Wishing you every happiness in your marriage x

I'd not even got to the end before I wanted to tell you not to have her. One of my bridesmaids was awful. She went mad over Covid but that was no excuse for how she didn't come to pick my dress or her dress, refused to organise my hen, came to my hen late and left early, complained about coming to the hotel early to get and a whole other host of things to make it all about her. Everyone told me to bin her off and just have the one bridesmaid and two flower girls (her dd was my third). I thought it would help get us back on track but we now don't speak and she's on my bloody wedding photos!

Unsurprisingly the hysterical bully is unable to cope with being stood up to.

Hence the DARVO reaction.

She is furious at her loosing control of you all.

It is absolutely in your best interests to have nothing further to do with her.

You also would be wise to be pull away from your parents and become far less available, and crucially, refuse to speak or discuss your sister.

Expect them to kick up a fuss, but refusing to engage is the only way to get through to them that YOU are DONE.

Your parents have created this dynamic and if you want to give your marriage and family the best chance, you will refuse to be involved in their Jeremy Kyle show behaviour.

Any weakening will only drag you back in.

Expect flying monkeys, health scares, self harming threats which your sister may use to rope your parents back in, and then they too will try and drag you back in.

The more prepared you are the better.

If you have any plans or opportunities to move further away, do.

I'm so glad the day went well, despite her best efforts.