Told my sister I don't want her to be my bridesmaid AIBU?

[Weddingpuzzle]

Laid awake stressing and feeling generally awful. Will try to be short and factual. I get married in 6 days. Wanted a low key wedding, we aren't having best men/first dances/speeches etc. I wanted to elope as second time round for me but DP's mum wanted to see one of her DC's get married. My sister pretty much insisted on being a bridesmaid so I gave in. Nobody has done any planning or helped me in anyway which was fine, we were happy with that. No financial help, again happy with that. DP and I are setting up alone on Friday. Happy with that.

Long story short she's shown zero interest, refused to attend my hen which she was invited to twice, as she fell out with our mutual friend, refused to pick a dress out until I ordered a few online for her to try and tried to pick a bridal hairstyle exactly same as mine which I said I'd rather she didn't. Insisted she's walking me down aisle when I want to walk down alone because she doesn't want to walk alone. She booked a £££ afternoon tea and sprang it on me there that we were paying for my Mum's. I bought her dress, hair & makeup and transport etc. I suggested I could either book a room in a hotel or get ready at her house months ago, she agreed we could get ready at hers, have brunch at hers and all 13 of my family (including my 3 DC, her DC, my parents, our brother and our elderly gran) go in the minibus together to the venue.

Yesterday she said she didn't want anyone coming to her house apart from me, my mum and her on the wedding day now. No food. Nobody allowed upstairs. Basically said she didn't want it there now. I want my DC, especially DD with me in the morning. DD is only 11. So I had to scrabble to change plans last night. Florist, brunch delivery, hair & makeup and minibus now coming to my house. My sister caused chaos at Christmas by uninviting just me, DP and my DC last min (it was her turn to host, we hosted the previous year) but my parents and brother were still invited. So I just snapped and said she's not causing chaos and drama around the wedding and I want my DD to have the flowers and hair slot and I don't want my sister to be my 'bridesmaid'. She's called me pathetic, disgusting, a brideszilla, I didn't invite her to my hen do and a called me a bully in messages since and put a vile message about me in the family chat. DP has said to mute and archive her and ask my mum to deal with her which I have. My mum has ignored me and will bollock me for upsetting her. But AIBU? I am sick of being the bigger person and allowing her to trample all over me. I am too fed up for the bin fire of AIBU to post there. Thanks for reading 😭

I would uninvite her and her family and maybe get some friends you might not have invited before because of numbers!

IME people like this never change/see their own fault... better to put a boundary now than to remember her face when thinking of your wedding!

@sweetgingercat I don't really want her here on the morning of the wedding tbh. She'll just stress my out. She's called me pathetic, disgusting, a bully and brideszilla in the last 24 hours. I don't really want to lay on a lovely brunch, hair and makeup and the excitement of seeing my dress when she's behaved like this. It wouldn't feel peaceful with her around, she can't help herself. She'd start to dominate the hairdresser, photos, playlist etc.

That sounds completely reasonable @Weddingpuzzle and also a lovely bonding moment with your daughter. Hopefully your sister is one of those people who will not make a scene in front of others.

BTW I think your mother's sad emoji is a bit passive aggressive. She's not helpless, she could try to sort it out. I often found my parents were like this with my sister. They clearly felt sorry for her unhappy life but were also intimidated by her and would never call her out for her poor behaviour. It always made things worse

@sweetgingercat I have woke up this morning so pissed off with my parents. They absolutely should be bollocking her and telling her she's being awful like my brother did but no. They'd rather let me have a shit week leading up to my wedding and ignore it all just to make sure my sister is not upset. It's a fucking joke. I'm seething tbh. Trying not to be but I am! And I've paid for a 300 quid lovely Airbnb up the road for them and they are ignoring me about that.

Have whatsapped my brother in law about my dress and all my stuff as it's all at my sister's house and heard nothing back which is stressing me out. My DP poured hours of work and love into making my dress and now they are blanking me about it.

Feel like telling the lot of them (apart from my bro of course) to fuck off and they aren't invited to the wedding now. Really pissed off that they let a narcissistic, selfish bitch run the show. She can't even bring herself to let me have one day. And she calls me disgusting?

Kindly meant but your family are awful people and you are the family mug.

You know and understand your awful family but yet despite this being a lovely happy time, you hand over all the power to them to ruin this happy time, again.

Stop blaming them and take responsibility for being a doormat.

You are NOT being the bigger, better person here, you are just being a doormat.

This is your life, and the life you inflict on your new partner and children,
by being a doormat.

It must be really awful for THEM.

Take responsibility for this or NOTHING will change.

You need to grow up and step up and take a very firm stand.

Sadly your happiness means little to your parents, and your sister is just awful.

Yet you have allowed these awful people bring stress to your day, and your poor partner and children.

I feel very very sorry for them.

Why would you allow this to happen, when you know well what they are like?

Take responsibility for your part in this.

People pleasers are really awful to live with.

They take the easy way out and care little for their immediate family, while being used and tolerating awful behaviour from others around them.

Take control of this situation.

Cancel your parents and sister as they clearly don't care.
Enjoy your brother and your partners family.
Make the decision to step away from these awful people and begin your new marriage in a peaceful way.

Apologies if this sounds harsh, but enough is enough.

No @billy1966 it doesn't sound harsh at all. You are right. I have been complicit in allowing them to walk all over people and me, because that is our family dynamic. But you are right my DP doesn't deserve his day being ruined and he didn't sign up to it nor should he spend his week on leave having to listen to me psychologically wrangle with it. It is enough for me to tell them all to fuck off so his wedding isn't ruined. Thanks.

What a fucking nasty bitch your sister is.

Your dps are demented too - on what plant do they think it's ok for one daughter to do this to the other? Stories about families with these kind of dynamics blow my mind!
Stick to your guns OP - I would be distancing myself from her and your dps from now on - do they actually better your life in any way or are they just a constant source of misery, which is what it sounds like.

You have a wonderful day 💐

Spot on!

Go to your sister and grab your stuff-she’s blackmailing you with your dress to get her own way.

My advice (based on this post) is the following.

1. Cancel the AirBnB booking and text parents to say that you have cancelled their accommodation. It is still available if they want to come to your wedding that they can contact X person who owns the property and they must cover the costs themselves. You're doing this because you are not paying for them to treat you so poorly and not calling your sister out on her behaviour.
2. Drive around to your BiL's place and collect your wedding dress. Put it into the spare room (if you have one in your own house) until your day.
3. Send one message to the entire family saying that you are upset, disgusted and so bitterly disappointed that they are ruining the run up to your wedding day to your DH to be and that if they want to attend, they had better all take a long hard look at themselves in the mirror and apologise to you and your DH to be before the wedding or they will be turned away. It's your day and your not going to pander to Princess Sister anymore.

Actually only do point 3 if you really really really feel that an apology and their behaviour can improve in the next few days.

Last but by no means least, try to put this behind you on your special day. Put a bottle of bubbly in your fridge so that you can enjoy it after you are married (be that on honeymoon or when you get back from the ceremony). Try to plan some nice things to do or have once you're married.

Oh flipping heck. Go and get the dress NOW!!!

Don't forget to put a large cut in the back of the dress, otherwise she will wear it and get herself into the photos.

Enjoy your day.

I'd take a coffee and a book and go and sit outside the house and wait for them to come home today, tell them calmly that you're here to collect your things, don't engage in anything they try to drag you into, politely take what you need and leave.

If she tries to get I to it just repeat calmly, I'm not going to be able to discuss that with you right now, and carry on packing the car. She's looking for drama, don't feed the bear.

I have said DP is going to collect my dress to BIL and just received a message from her saying she's not coming to the wedding now and that I'm nasty and she's done with me. Haven't responded.

I am massively overwhelmed by it all tbh. Didn't want to detract from the issue at hand but this marriage is a massive deal to me - my last one ended in broken bones and being bitten. It feels like a massive leap of faith getting married again and now I'm having trauma responses all over the place. I'm physically shaking, trying to be strong but struggling.

Good woman.

Get your stuff from her home.

Cancel that B&B, uninvite them all on the WhatsApp and BLOCK.

No further engagement.

Go and enjoy your wedding.

These people are damaged and ugly and you will NEVER change them.

Accept this.

Give your new life, marriage, and family the best chance to succeed without their toxicity seeping in and poisoning it.

Unfortunately the more you tolerate awful behaviour the worse it gets, not better.

I am always struck by the unbridled joy of posters who write of going NC with toxic family, and how the peace and calm brought them immeasurable joy.

This can be you.

Really wishing you well.

Oh good! I've been reading this thread with my heart in my mouth. Go, go and have a beautiful wedding surrounded by people you love and who love you.

I hope you have a brilliant day

Oh you poor pet.

Deep breathing.
Sip water.

This is good she has said she is not going.
You need NEVER engage with her again.
Imagine the peace.

These people may be birth family but they add nothing but stress to your life.

You have had enough toxic people in your life.

You got away from your Ex.

Give yourself the real chance of happiness and peace.

Cut them out.

Get your dress and enjoy your drama free day now she has said she isn't coming!

She is throwing her toys out of her pram and stomping her foot do not pander to this what so ever!!! I wouldn't even bother replying!!!

Keep the place setting incase she sulks in don't get sucked into any drama with your parents simply reply with that's her choice I haven't said she can't I'm not being sucked into her drama and repeat!

Once you have your dress and other bits enjoy your week, relax and know your going to have a wonderful day with your soon to be DH.

I think I'd be very carefully be checking the wedding dress too once I'd gotten it home. Just in case she's malicious enough to have done something to it to ruin it.

It's your wedding and for some reason your sister is trying to run the show. I'd go with the elopement. What a tale to tell your dgc if you have any.

Following this thread as I want to hear the update after you’ve had a beautiful day without any further drama!

This is pure narcissist DARVO:
You are not nasty.
SHE is nasty.
Please keep taking deep breaths, staying calm, and telling yourself that.
When you’ve got all your stuff back check it over & make sure it’s all ok. (If not, be prepared to report to police, but I hope even she isn’t that stupid or malicious),
Good luck. Thinking about you ❤️

Hah, my Zilla threatened to not go to my wedding - if I had known about it at the time I would have cheerfully taken them up on it - so consider her text a win for you and do NOT reply. Do NOT let anyone run after her persuading her to attend, your parents for example. It's what she wants. If your parents kick off that you aren't laying out the red carpet for your sister, tell them they can fuck off too. Your brother sounds like the only decent one!

And yes, check the dress - especially all the seams to make sure nothing's been strategically snipped and could unravel!

Send her a thumbs up. That's all you can do. Send that and move on without a sister. Just because you share DNA doesn't mean you have to put up with the disgraceful way she's behaved towards you.

You can't stop this carousel (with her being the princess and centre of everything) but you can get off alltogether

I feel much calmer now. My dress and getting ready stuff is back and unharmed, DP is a star and just got it all without any bullshit. So now I can focus on our day and fuck the toxicity. I'll never let her back in. Big thanks to @billy1966 for giving me hard to hear but on the nose advice.

Wow are you me OP?! Your DSis sounds exactly the same as mine. Is she younger than you too by any chance? Your DM's expected reaction is also like how my DPs react.

It's your wedding day. Focus on yourself and your DH (and your DC). Anyone whinging can get stuffed tbh. Honestly, just try not to think about them and ignore any drama. You don't need it and you don't need to get involved.