Told my sister I don't want her to be my bridesmaid AIBU?

[Weddingpuzzle]

Laid awake stressing and feeling generally awful. Will try to be short and factual. I get married in 6 days. Wanted a low key wedding, we aren't having best men/first dances/speeches etc. I wanted to elope as second time round for me but DP's mum wanted to see one of her DC's get married. My sister pretty much insisted on being a bridesmaid so I gave in. Nobody has done any planning or helped me in anyway which was fine, we were happy with that. No financial help, again happy with that. DP and I are setting up alone on Friday. Happy with that.

Long story short she's shown zero interest, refused to attend my hen which she was invited to twice, as she fell out with our mutual friend, refused to pick a dress out until I ordered a few online for her to try and tried to pick a bridal hairstyle exactly same as mine which I said I'd rather she didn't. Insisted she's walking me down aisle when I want to walk down alone because she doesn't want to walk alone. She booked a £££ afternoon tea and sprang it on me there that we were paying for my Mum's. I bought her dress, hair & makeup and transport etc. I suggested I could either book a room in a hotel or get ready at her house months ago, she agreed we could get ready at hers, have brunch at hers and all 13 of my family (including my 3 DC, her DC, my parents, our brother and our elderly gran) go in the minibus together to the venue.

Yesterday she said she didn't want anyone coming to her house apart from me, my mum and her on the wedding day now. No food. Nobody allowed upstairs. Basically said she didn't want it there now. I want my DC, especially DD with me in the morning. DD is only 11. So I had to scrabble to change plans last night. Florist, brunch delivery, hair & makeup and minibus now coming to my house. My sister caused chaos at Christmas by uninviting just me, DP and my DC last min (it was her turn to host, we hosted the previous year) but my parents and brother were still invited. So I just snapped and said she's not causing chaos and drama around the wedding and I want my DD to have the flowers and hair slot and I don't want my sister to be my 'bridesmaid'. She's called me pathetic, disgusting, a brideszilla, I didn't invite her to my hen do and a called me a bully in messages since and put a vile message about me in the family chat. DP has said to mute and archive her and ask my mum to deal with her which I have. My mum has ignored me and will bollock me for upsetting her. But AIBU? I am sick of being the bigger person and allowing her to trample all over me. I am too fed up for the bin fire of AIBU to post there. Thanks for reading 😭

It is your wedding not hers don’t allow her to spoil your day.

I asked my sis to be bridesmaid she couldn’t give me a straight answer for ages then we had a big drama that she was pregnant then she wasn’t then years after she said she didn’t want to be my bridesmaid but didn’t know how to tell me. I had only asked her out of duty (as we were asking DH’s sister and my best friend).

On my wedding day she came and I hardly saw her she certainly didn’t spoil my day. But about 9pm ish she picked an argument with her boyfriend (left early because she was so upset) and my mum, dad and brother all left as well (because they were all worried about her).

My sis is the youngest in the family (by quite a chunk) and she was always used to being the centre of attention and my family enable her.

Congratulations on your wedding.
wow I would certainly not have her as my bridesmaid. She cancels you and she needs a taste of her own medicine. This is your wedding so do what you and DP want not what the spoilt madam wants.
good luck

Use reverse psychology- tell her she’d better turn up to the wedding so she does the exact opposite and you have a lovely, drama-free day.

Congratulations!

Your wedding,your day tell her to jog on. We had to do that with my hubby's sister she tried even telling me what to wear. Eventually I said enough is enough and yes it upset a couple of family members when I told her to stop sticking her nose in but we didn't care our day was ours and a beautiful one it turned out to be. His sister refused to come think she thought by refusing we would back down and let her get all involved again but we didn't and now 4 years on still happily married and we don't see her anymore

@Weddingpuzzle

this is obviously your second marriage. This means at some point you were in an unhappy marriage / relationship. Think back to that time. I bet you didn’t treat people / behave like this. Please remember that, you have been there too and it isn’t justifiable to ruin people’s happiness because you are unhappy. I suspect she is sabotaging happy events (Christmas / wedding) because you are happy.

Sorry and meant to add because she is jealous

I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this on your wedding day.

Unfortunately my sister has been exactly like yours for my entire life. After several really upsetting events I decided the only way forward was to go low contact with her to avoid my family being exposed to her really hurtful behaviour. Our life has improved dramatically and fortunately she does not seem to have noticed! I would definitely suggest doing this going forward, it has bought me calm and peace!

in the meantime you have to unfortunately manage her behaviour and your parents’ expectations on your big day.

if it was me I would be telling your parents that if things don’t calm down you will cancel everything and go to Gretna. Ask them for help in calming your sister down and making sure she doesn’t kick off in the day. If they are not going to criticise her (and mine didn’t either) then encourage them do what they are good at, pandering to her so she has a lovely day and you can get on with getting married.

i would also be tempted to tell your sister that because she she is obviously stressed and doesn’t want all the hassle of everyone at her house on the morning it’s clearly much less stressful for her to be a guest where she can enjoy herself without the complications of being a bridesmaid on duty. Ask her if she still wants the hair and make up (irritating but a small price to pay for peace on the day)

if this or something like it will get you through your day peacefully then all good. Afterwards, distance, delay, defer and do anything else that will protect you from your sister’s drama.

I’m sorry @Weddingpuzzle that your sister is trying to make the whole wedding about her. Golden child seems to be very fitting, I agree there.

Apart from the line in the sand, I’m wondering if it’s worth reminding your parents that by behaving like this, she is creating a bad atmosphere for EVERYONE and that includes your DP’s parents. Are they really happy with their ‘princess’ spoiling the day for his mum too???

And I would uninvite her if she carries on with her drama tbh.
She never wanted to be a bridesmaid. She has no interest in your wedding. She doesn’t get to spoil the day for the both of you and your DP’s mum

She sounds vile. The wedding will be better without her.

@MagicBullet that's the thing. This wedding is my DP's first and only wedding. His family are so excited for him because he had a rough time in the couple of years before he met me. They are so happy for us. He can't bear drama and she's just put a bomb under plans because she's in a bad mood.

My brother said yesterday that he'd told my DP's sometimes they need to get off the fence and grow a backbone with my sister. He's right!

@sweetgingercat I don't really want her here on the morning of the wedding tbh. She'll just stress my out. She's called me pathetic, disgusting, a bully and brideszilla in the last 24 hours. I don't really want to lay on a lovely brunch, hair and makeup and the excitement of seeing my dress when she's behaved like this. It wouldn't feel peaceful with her around, she can't help herself. She'd start to dominate the hairdresser, photos, playlist etc.

@Weddingpuzzle tell her either don't bother coming or you'll see her at the venue, not before. Say same to your mother and father as well.

Sorry they're being shits, OP 💐

IME, you have to take away all their power and control over you. So that means your plans need to be completely independent of them in every way. You cannot rely on them to do a single thing or turn up at a certain time or be involved in any way; that way they cannot hold anything over you.

For example, I would just send a message now to the entire family chat to say "I'm going to get ready at my house, just me and my kids on the morning of the wedding. Mum, if you still want to get ready with us then feel free to come at X O'clock to get your hair and makeup done. If not, I'll just see you at the venue".

It'll be irritating if your mum is awkward and doesn't come to your house, as you'll presumably be paying for hair stylist and makeup that she won't use, but I think it's the simplest and least stressful way to approach things. It means you can just carry on and have the day you want, and they can suit themselves. There's nothing they can do to mess it up for you.

Uninvite her completely. You don't need this shit. It sounds as though she will find a way to ruin your day if she is there.

It's your wedding, you must to what's right for you.

On my wedding day I was amazed by the actions of a small number of people who clearly couldn't stand not being the centre of attention at all times. Absolutely minor compared to what you've facing, but some people just have to make everything about them.

You've done the right thing. If it's not too late to elope, I'd do that. Your DPs don't have your back so they don't need to see your wedding.

I'd uninvite her from the whole thing, parents too if they kick off. Sounds like she'd probably try and cause trouble on the day and I'd be avoiding that.

I think it will be lovely for your 11 year old daughter to have the hair slot etc. I think she might actually appreciate it!

Sorry for all of the trouble your sister has caused. Completely ridiculous behaviour on her part and it sounds like your parents are also quite culpable for why she behaves this way.

If I were you I would try and focus on the lovely aspects of your wedding day - your DC, your partner, anyone who is there being supportive and celebrating your special day!

If you have a supportive friend, I would recommend reaching out to them for support on the day.

Try and limit engagement/headspace that you give your family.

I agree with your DP about mute/archive chat - possibly also your mother!

Try and spend the day focusing energies on the nice things and steer clear of any nonsense - ignore them and talk to someone nice!

So sorry to read this OP but i think you are 100% justified to not have her as bridesmaid as she has caused a lot of drama - I wish I’d had the same strength as you to do the same with my SIL as she also caused a lot of drama over my wedding and it still angers me a few years later !!

Unfortunately some women don’t like it when it’s not all about them and it sounds like that’s what your sister is like. Cut her out the day and have a lovely time with your future husband.

Well done for standing up to her, organise her out of the way, center your DD instead. Your sister's unhappy and she wants you to be unhappy too. Unfortunately for her, that's not an option.

Tell her you are scaling things back, it's all got a bit on top and you want a calm few days, you'll see her at the venue on Friday and then concentrate on having a good drama free week with your family.

In future only make plans that don't allow for her to derail them. Host at yours then you can ask her to leave unless she behaves herself, don't ask her for anything, rely on her for anything, keep her politely at arms length where she belongs and let her play Princess with the family members that are willing to tolerate it.

Totally exclude her from the inner circle. And if your parents dare say anything critical to you or about you, they can fuck off too.

I was scapegoat for decade. Blamed, criticised and shouted at. I am NC with my Mother and one sister. The other two siblings know they need to treat me respectfully or they will also join the rejected pile.

I am much, much happier.

Of course YANBU. And if anyone supports her, you can disinvite them from being at your place beforehand too.

She's behaving disgracefully.

Don't have her anywhere near your wedding, she sounds bitter and is deliberately looking for a way to spoil things for you. Let your daughter have the hair slot, that could be a really nice time for mother/dd. This is where you draw the line on her and your parents behaviour. If they can't manage to behave for just one day then tell them not to come. Mean, spiteful bitches.

As I said earlier @Weddingpuzzle , tell your sister and your mother that they are not getting prepared on the day of your wedding with you. They will both either be attending your wedding as a guest or neither will be attending at all.

Keep strong.

You're doing well.

Urgh. What a diva she is. And your parents for enabling her.

But on the bright side I like the sound of your brother.

Just do whatever you want to do. I'd uninvite her. If your mum kicks off uninvite her too

Hope your dp and his family have a lovely wedding and it's not spoilt (and you too obviously!)

If it wasn't too late I'd be considering eloping still...

It's too late to elope now but I haven't heard anything today apart from a sad face reaction from my Mum to my last message. Onwards and upwards.

On a positive note our house is sparkling as DP and I went for it today (we are on AL for two weeks). He hoovered every mm of the house and we recycled loads of stuff that was hanging about, so it's going to be lovely to get ready here now. Rage cleaning is a thing

Thank you all for your lovely posts. I feel better knowing that they can't gaslight me into thinking this is my fault to you all.

Good for you OP, now you can relax in your nice clean house and also hold all the cards. As you'll be getting ready on home turf she can no longer upset plans at the last minute. This is your wedding and it should, quite rightly, be all about you and your groom. There is zero place for a self absorbed sister or bridesmaid. She just wants it to be about her. I bet she was an absolute pain growing up and now your parents are still enabling this self centred behaviour. Shame on her and shame on them. Thankfully your brother seems to be the sane one. Why don't you ask him to walk you down the aisle.