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Original poster

Communication often goes wrong with DP and I just can't work out why

106 replies

Clara9283 · 19/06/2023 01:05

I'm at my wits end...DP is loving, very patient, doesn't have a bad temper etc and we recently got engaged (he proposed). We're also TTC. Everything is going well, we both agree that life is good right now. No stress at work either. But whenever we have a conversation that involves some sort of planning, he just gets very defensive and it ends in a fight. Latest example - wedding plans. I've asked him what his ideas are, like where we should get married, when, etc...I imagined this being a happy and positive conversation. But all he could see were issues. 'This won't work because of abc, that won't work because of xyz'. I'm really not difficult about the wedding, I'm open for any ideas, from a big wedding somewhere to eloping just the two of us, so I don't see why this conversation would cause him stress. In the end he told me that I should just make a plan.

So today, one week later, we had a lovely Sunday, walk in the park, and I mentioned a wedding venue to him...I said that this one is currently on my list of possibilities, and asked him what he thought of it. But he got defensive again, asked me why I ask him because I know that he would be happy to go along with whatever I plan.....(to add, he just looked very uncomfortable from the moment I brought up the topic wedding).

I just don't understand what the problem is. It's in my mind a low stake, happy conversation. We're not even in a rush to book a venue yet, it's just talking about ideas.
I asked him, of course, and he just keeps insisting that he is fine and not upset, and then he asks me why I am upset.

Considering that he proposed very recently, I don't think that he doesn't want to get married. I asked him if he wants to get married but doesn't want a wedding and suggested to do registry office only, but again he asked me why I think that he has a problem with a wedding.

It's not the first time this happened. Although we are TTC (again he was the driving force at the beginning, he always wanted children. I'm on board as well, of course) he doesn't want to talk about how we'd organise ourselves with childcare etc. He wouldn't object if I just told him what to do, but he gets defensive when I try to make plans as a team. Very similar to the wedding situation - I know that he'd happily go along with whatever venue and setting I choose, but he seems to be unable to have a conversation with me about it.

Can anyone help me shed some light on this behaviour? Is he genuinely struggling with talking about plans?

OP posts:
Nomorenonbinary · 19/06/2023 01:08

He's lazy, he thinks it should be your job to organise everything.

AutumnCrow · 19/06/2023 01:18

Does he seem to lack enthusiasm or appear defensive in the mental capacity area about any other areas of life?

Housework? Planning? Finances? Medical care (for either of you)?

AgentJohnson · 19/06/2023 06:50

He's lazy, he thinks it should be your job to organise everything.

Only marry and have babies with this man if you are ok with this. This is who he is, marriage and babies won’t change him. You’ve been warned!!!!

Hoaryragwort · 19/06/2023 07:03

Could it be finances op? Does he have any debts that you don’t know about? Or he is quite tight with money?

Or is he a commitment-phobe? Someone who likes the idea of monogamy (hence the proposal) but doesn’t like the thought of being “tied down” in reality?

Or is it a control thing? He doesn’t like being (as he sees it) told what to do or you taking charge but it’s fine when he initiates something?

Planning a wedding is stressful (but as you say you are not exactly in the throes of it atm) but, in general, communication shouldn’t be this hard this early on. I would treat this as a serious red flag tbh and get to the bottom of it before you proceed further.

Good luck op. I hope things work out for you both. Be wary though! Love is a verb and if his actions don’t match with what he is saying, it may be a good thing that you have noticed this before the wedding!

Snoozingagain · 19/06/2023 07:06

I don't think there are many men interested in wedding planning tbh

Pushmepullyou · 19/06/2023 07:10

Is he a bit neurotic or superstitious at all? I work with someone like this and he is totally incapable of discussing plans for the future because he’s afraid that if he talks about them he’ll jinx them and they won’t happen

SmirnoffIceIsNice · 19/06/2023 07:12

What's he like with other things, such as planning a holiday? If it's the same thing with you doing all the planning and him not communicating then I'd hold off on TTC and stop to consider things. If this is him with all aspects of planning then you'll be back on here in a few years complaining that you're working, juggling young kids and taking on ALL the mental load for everything. Don't let the "loving and patient" qualities overshadow the flaws, because those flaws can grow and cause huge resentments which destroy a relationship.

LuditeLil · 19/06/2023 07:16

How long have you been together? Won't talk about childcare etc? Massive red flag

SpringleDingle · 19/06/2023 07:19

This was my husband. Too lazy to plan anything and then complained about it later. Finally divorced him for it after 12 years… what a relief!

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 19/06/2023 07:20

LuditeLil · 19/06/2023 07:16

How long have you been together? Won't talk about childcare etc? Massive red flag

This.

Don't ttc with this man.

KentishMama · 19/06/2023 07:23

The wedding thing is odd, but I think many men find the complexity of wedding planning and the expectations around it intimidating...

However: TTC before you have a crystal clear view of how childcare etc will work once the baby is here, and for you next c. 20 years? That's insane. I highly recommend you stop until that is sorted. Seriously.

AgnesX · 19/06/2023 07:23

Whatever else you do don't have a child with this man. You'll be carrying everything as he really doesn't want to engage (bar the fun bit).

Thisisworsethananticpated · 19/06/2023 07:24

Can anyone help me shed some light on this behaviour? Is he genuinely struggling with talking about plans?

he just wants yo it to do all the woman work

I’d stop TTC and go quiet on the wedding planning and see if he takes charge ? Or even notices !

NeverThatSerious · 19/06/2023 07:25

Honestly it just sounds like he wants an easy quiet life where you get on with all the jobs he doesn’t want to do, make all the decisions he doesn’t want to make and take on all the mental load he doesn’t want to think about. That is definitely not a man I would marry or have children with.

Upsizer · 19/06/2023 07:30

There is a massive difference between a man who cba to plan (I have one) and one who gets defensive when asked to have a conversation.

I think you need to explore this further, maybe in couples therapy, before you go any further. Please do not have children before you get to the bottom of this.

Nightlystroll · 19/06/2023 07:33

I'm a him. I hate being put on the spot and I start to get resentful having to make a decision. I feel like my "time off" is being intruded on. I know it sounds ridiculous but that's how it feels.

I'm much better if someone just puts it into my sphere and says have a think about it and we'll chat again. Then I'm not put under stress to come up with an immediate answer and I can mull it over.

It's a bit like if someone rings me up to ask if I fancy going for a coffee, I panic and say no. But if they text and I can have some time to acclimatise myself to the possibility, work out timings, etc, I'm likely to say yes.

But this is only in my personal life. At work I can make decisions quickly and easily. I think it's because I'm in a different mode.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 19/06/2023 07:33

If he's not talking about potential childcare, that means it's going to be your problem.

Going on the Pill should be your first priority until the rest is sorted out and you've been married for a couple of years.

TeenDivided · 19/06/2023 07:34

Personally I would stop TTC or getting married with someone who can't communicate on big issues/
Issues only get bigger when you have children. If you can't discuss big things you are stuffed.

Grumpyfroghats · 19/06/2023 07:36

What is he like about other plans? Things like holidays but also smaller things like meal planning?

Tlolljs · 19/06/2023 07:38

He doesn’t think these things are his concern ‘Women’s work’
I wouldn’t marry him tbh.

Anaemiafog · 19/06/2023 07:40

I thought your fiancé was being like DS and his fiancée (who are further ahead with wedding plans) until you started talking about TTC. He admits he is only getting married because of how much he loves his partner. She has dreamt of a big wedding and that's what they're having but he has no interest in the details of napkins, favours, colours, etc. He is very much the passenger when it comes to the wedding.
The difference here is they are equal in everything else. I've heard conversations about childcare, paternity leave, etc. The wedding is very much the anomaly. He is present but is definitely going along with the bride's vision.
I would stop TTC and seriously consider your future if you can't have a grown up conversation with your partner. Does he pull his weight equally now? Your post is full of red flags.

Whatevergetsyouthroughthenight · 19/06/2023 07:42

How long have you been with him OP? If it’s less than five years, you don’t know him properly yet and I wouldn’t be TTC or making wedding plans with him. Sounds like you may be starting to see some red flags that he’s hidden so far. We all hide our true selves in the early days of a relationship and are blinded to our partner’s flaws too.

If you have been with him more than five years, then you should be able to have a proper, grown up conversation about what’s going on here. If you can’t, the same advice above applies.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 19/06/2023 07:43

He doesn't want any of the brain work involved in family life. Not a good sign

mainbrochus · 19/06/2023 07:43

Benefit for the doubt - My dp hates ‘boring life’ convos intruding on the weekend as then he just concentrates on that and can’t switch off.

So now I say ‘when do you want to talk about x’ and we book it in the diary like a meeting! That works.

give that a try and def stop TTC!!!! You need a good idea of who will do drop / off pick up, child care options in your area.

newusern1 · 19/06/2023 07:44

Any chance he might have asd/adhd? Conversations like that can be overwhelming for them, particularly being asked to make choices about things.