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Original poster

Communication often goes wrong with DP and I just can't work out why

106 replies

Clara9283 · 19/06/2023 01:05

I'm at my wits end...DP is loving, very patient, doesn't have a bad temper etc and we recently got engaged (he proposed). We're also TTC. Everything is going well, we both agree that life is good right now. No stress at work either. But whenever we have a conversation that involves some sort of planning, he just gets very defensive and it ends in a fight. Latest example - wedding plans. I've asked him what his ideas are, like where we should get married, when, etc...I imagined this being a happy and positive conversation. But all he could see were issues. 'This won't work because of abc, that won't work because of xyz'. I'm really not difficult about the wedding, I'm open for any ideas, from a big wedding somewhere to eloping just the two of us, so I don't see why this conversation would cause him stress. In the end he told me that I should just make a plan.

So today, one week later, we had a lovely Sunday, walk in the park, and I mentioned a wedding venue to him...I said that this one is currently on my list of possibilities, and asked him what he thought of it. But he got defensive again, asked me why I ask him because I know that he would be happy to go along with whatever I plan.....(to add, he just looked very uncomfortable from the moment I brought up the topic wedding).

I just don't understand what the problem is. It's in my mind a low stake, happy conversation. We're not even in a rush to book a venue yet, it's just talking about ideas.
I asked him, of course, and he just keeps insisting that he is fine and not upset, and then he asks me why I am upset.

Considering that he proposed very recently, I don't think that he doesn't want to get married. I asked him if he wants to get married but doesn't want a wedding and suggested to do registry office only, but again he asked me why I think that he has a problem with a wedding.

It's not the first time this happened. Although we are TTC (again he was the driving force at the beginning, he always wanted children. I'm on board as well, of course) he doesn't want to talk about how we'd organise ourselves with childcare etc. He wouldn't object if I just told him what to do, but he gets defensive when I try to make plans as a team. Very similar to the wedding situation - I know that he'd happily go along with whatever venue and setting I choose, but he seems to be unable to have a conversation with me about it.

Can anyone help me shed some light on this behaviour? Is he genuinely struggling with talking about plans?

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 20/06/2023 07:27

He sees wedding planning and children/sorting childcare as women's work

Do you really want to lumber yourself with that? It will fall to everything - shopping, meal planning, holidays. Every decision that he sees as falling into the realm of women will he yours to make.

Doesn't sound much like a 'partnership' to me.

billy1966 · 20/06/2023 07:43

EarthSight · 19/06/2023 23:21

I had a boyfriend once when I was very young who got me to book plane tickets to see each other in the holidays (university days, lived opposite sides of the U.K to each other). He would get flustered, said he was rubbish with technology (funny how it never affected his ability to navigate porn websites), and when it came to him paying me back (we were meant to split the costs), there was always an issue which made it a hassle. He would drag it out and make me out as if I was unreasonable for asking. I didn't know the term strategic incompetence but I do now. I realised, 100%, that he was the type you described in your post and if we had proceeded to live together, I would have been manoeuvred into doing absolutely everything. His mum still did his internet banking into his mid-20s, which is just shocking to me. He was perfectly capable, just lazy and entitled to women in his life fluttering around him to make it easier.

Show quote history

This.

You have a huge issue with a man you are TTC with.

Stop doing that.

You are walking into the complete unknown.

This will be him in your marriage.

You the parent with him not wanting to be bothered about stuff.

Really unbelievable that you are TTC with someone with such an enormous issue.

Go ahead with this and you WILL learn the hard way.

LivingDeadGirlUK · 20/06/2023 18:39

Clara9283 · 19/06/2023 18:48

Thanks to those who gave constructive feedback, it's great to read from others who also struggled with communication at times and found ways and strategies to navigate this. I'm also aware that difficulties with communication can cause issues further down the line when children are in the mix, so I am also grateful for those who gave more critical feedback. It is something that's been on my mind for some time and I agree that this is an issue. Some other stuff seems a bit far fetched but I appreciate that this is hard to judge from a post. I genuinely don't feel unimportant, unloved etc in my relationship, and I've made it very clear to him that children duties will be shared 50/50.

The issue here is the power imbalance that starts as soon as you become pregnant. At the moment you and him are equals in the relationship, when you become pregnant you make yourself more vunerable physically and emotionally (this is why they ask about DV on your midwife booking form, it usually escalates when a women becomes pregnant). Then you go on maternity leave while your partner is still working so childcare isn't 50/50 and housework isn't 50/50 and suddenly he has control of 90% of your finances. Some men get used to this so when you then try to get back to work it becomes a problem.

So you have told him childcare will be 50/50, except that isn't practically how things will be initially, and he hasn't engaged in the conversation to agree with you, so really you are going into TTC blind just hoping he will always agree with you.

Alltheusernamesiwantedhavegone · 20/06/2023 20:29

"I just don't understand what the problem is.

He does not want to get married to you, he does not want to have children with you . How painful as this is, sorry. Flowers

GreyCarpet · 21/06/2023 07:12

LivingDeadGirlUK · 20/06/2023 18:39

The issue here is the power imbalance that starts as soon as you become pregnant. At the moment you and him are equals in the relationship, when you become pregnant you make yourself more vunerable physically and emotionally (this is why they ask about DV on your midwife booking form, it usually escalates when a women becomes pregnant). Then you go on maternity leave while your partner is still working so childcare isn't 50/50 and housework isn't 50/50 and suddenly he has control of 90% of your finances. Some men get used to this so when you then try to get back to work it becomes a problem.

So you have told him childcare will be 50/50, except that isn't practically how things will be initially, and he hasn't engaged in the conversation to agree with you, so really you are going into TTC blind just hoping he will always agree with you.

Show quote history

All of this.

My exh was by best friend from school. Supported me and was encouraging. Babysat (my child not his) when I went to university so that I could have something of a social life, volunatrily paid maintenance for said child when we split up...

Yet, when I became pregnant with our child it was a totally different story.

Likened me to a prostitute because of the earning imbalance during maternity leave; demanded I complete time amd motion studies whilst on ML so he could 'manage' me; did nothing in the way of childcare, housework or cooking (as he'd previously done) becaise I was at home all day.

His commitment to my eldest never wavered but he became a different person after I'd had our joint child.

OP, you can't 'make it clear' to him that the childcare etc duties will be 50/50. You've got no way of enforcing it! If he doesn't do it, doesn't come home at the agreed time, doesn't get out of bed, just leaves the baby crying when its his turn you'll simply step up because someone has to.

OneLittleFinger · 21/06/2023 07:29

Strange suggestion but have you tries quoting it down / emailing him about it?

My dp is autistic and seems to cope much better with Big things if he can read about them. Gives him time to digest what I'm saying with no need go give an immediate answer. Maybe just send him a link to somewhere and ask him what he thinks, so it seems you have a reason for discussing it this way.

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