Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

New partner has confessed eating disorder

90 replies

Kayos10 · 18/06/2023 20:56

I started seeing someone around 2 months ago and as a foodie myself, noticed pretty soon in that he has a very bad relationship with food. He has lost around 10 stonr over the last 10 years so I put it down to this. But the other night he confessed that he is bulimic and has been for 7 years now. He eats very little and most of thar is brought straight back up again. It all makes sense now looking back over our dates and his refusal to go out for a proper dinner date etc. But I honestly don't know what to do from here. I am the first person he has ever told, not even his family or mother of his child know. I do really like him and I'm starting to care for him a lot but I'm struggling with this. He said he doesn't want to stop as it's just part of his life now but I can't see how we can grow as a couple with him doing this. We've had a big heart to heart which resulted in him getting really upset because I asked how he'd feel if he found out his daughter was living like this. I've also pointed out the side affects, organ failure, rottng teeth etc. Tbh his teeth aren't great already and I had noticed a musky smell about him which I couldn't place before but now I think it's sick. It's not repelling so I wasn't put off by it before but now I know what it is...

I just don't know where to go from here. The selfish side of me is saying get out now while you can, I'm a single mum of 3 (2 of which are ASD) Do I need this?? I'm also a massive foodie as above and I love going out for meals, all Inc holidays etc. None of which I feel Ill be able to comfortably do with him (even though he's really keen to go away!?) And the other half of me is saying you can't abandon him now, help him to get through this so we can have a chance at a lasting relationship.

Wwyd?

OP posts:
SourDoughToast · 18/06/2023 21:06

2 months into a relationship is supposed to be fun, dating, restaurants and bars etc. Not dealing with the impact his health/ mental health issues.

I think it's too much too soon and I'm sure as a single mum of 3 you have enough on your plate without having to support this man as well.

Alcemeg · 18/06/2023 21:06

I'd draw a line under it, sadly. Prioritise your own happiness, not his.

SeasonsBleatings · 18/06/2023 21:07

In your position I'd end things unless you really like him and he is actively seeking support. But it doesn't sound like he is from your post.

MajesticWhine · 18/06/2023 21:09

I think it might be better to end it. You have enough going on and you don't need this. It's a pretty serious mental health condition. And he is not willing to get help.

LadyJ2023 · 18/06/2023 21:09

Maybe think of your kids and not yourself on this occasion because thay will affect them eventually seeing this or hearing. You wouldn't get me with someone who continues like this. Your supposed to be having fun feeling loved up this early

Original poster
Kayos10 · 18/06/2023 21:10

No when I suggested counselling he laughed and said a very firm no.

OP posts:
Thelondonone · 18/06/2023 21:11

I’m too into food for this. Sadly I’d run away. Possibly selfish but im
an adult and don’t want to deal with this shit.

Stomacharmeleon · 18/06/2023 21:12

I Don't know what else you can do if he won't help himself. It sounds like he doesn't want to get better.

It could kill him. Imagine how your children would feel if they had grown attached to him. And you?

Original poster
Kayos10 · 18/06/2023 21:12

LadyJ2023 · 18/06/2023 21:09

Maybe think of your kids and not yourself on this occasion because thay will affect them eventually seeing this or hearing. You wouldn't get me with someone who continues like this. Your supposed to be having fun feeling loved up this early

That's a really good point and probably the main point I'll make when discussing this with him

OP posts:
SeasonsBleatings · 18/06/2023 21:13

In that case I'd end things. As you say you've got enough on and it sounds like even besides the health aspects it's affecting your enjoyment of your time together.

JustForTheTasteOfItDC · 18/06/2023 21:13

He’s told you he doesn’t want to stop. So you need to walk away.

Astromelia · 18/06/2023 21:14

It’s a shame, but I think I agree that you should end the relationship.

Aside from the impact his illness is already having on you and your enjoyment of the relationship, he’s now put you in the position where you feel like you’re tied to him and obliged to stay and support him. It’s inappropriate, if he wants help he should tell his GP or a close friend, not a person he’s only known for a few weeks.

Recovery needs to come from him, you can’t save him. I think you need to prioritise yourself and your kids. It’s way too much.

Original poster
Kayos10 · 18/06/2023 21:14

Kayos10 · 18/06/2023 21:12

That's a really good point and probably the main point I'll make when discussing this with him

Show quote history

My other child is a very impressionable and vulnerable 14 year old.

OP posts:
Beamur · 18/06/2023 21:16

Kayos10 · 18/06/2023 21:10

No when I suggested counselling he laughed and said a very firm no.

Then I think you are justified in ending things here. It's brave and honest to have told you, but you're under no obligation to continue.
It's a serious health and mental health issue and you will end up being caught up with it.

Applecrumble24 · 18/06/2023 21:16

Leave. Life is too short

dunroamingfornow · 18/06/2023 21:16

I have personal experience of a close family member who is bulimic and it has ruined every family event, holiday, special occasion for years. The need to control what we eat, where we eat, the constant trips to the toilet where we all pretend we can't hear the vomiting. Having to explain to small children why the toilet smells of sick. It's exhausting and painful to watch someone in this state. I wouldn't choose to introduce my children into a situation like this.

BounceyB · 18/06/2023 21:17

Kayos10 · 18/06/2023 21:12

That's a really good point and probably the main point I'll make when discussing this with him

Show quote history

It sounds like you've already discussed it quite a lot. Personally, I'd finish it. At 2 months you don't owe him anything and he sounds really hard work. I wouldn't feel guilty about it. You're not his family.

Whataretheodds · 18/06/2023 21:19

Please don't use the word 'confessed' when talking about things that none should feel ashamed of.

Bottom line is that he isn't up for doing things that are important for you, and he's indicated he'll be unwilling to seek help when it's needed which would be a No from me.

elodiedie · 18/06/2023 21:19

End it. The last thing you need is somebody else to take off, which is what you will end up doing. This is not going to be fun for you in the long run.

CheeseTouch · 18/06/2023 21:22

Please end it. You and your kids don’t need this.

reallyworriedjobhunter · 18/06/2023 21:23

I think you have enough to deal with without looking after someone with some serious mental and physical health issues. Especially someone who isn't interested in recovery.

Put your happiness and your kids happiness first and don't look back.

AtrociousCircumstance · 18/06/2023 21:26

He’s not your responsibility. You aren’t obligated to continue the relationship just because he has a problem and you’ll feel bad for ending it because of that problem.

You’d be totally self sacrificial and self destructive not to end it. Plus it would be bad for your kids to continue.

He laughed in your face when you suggested counselling - this will only get worse. End it now. You obviously feel pressurised not to but focus on your kids well being for a start.

continentallentil · 18/06/2023 21:32

Suggest he contacts BEAT and gets some help and then withdraw from the relationship.

It’s a serious mental illness and he needs to put his effort into sorting it out, having a relationship is probably actively unhelpful to him. And you cannot have a relationship with someone that ill. The most useful thing you can do for him is be clear he is ill

Toddlerteaplease · 18/06/2023 21:34

I'd get out now. You can't fix him.

holaholiday · 18/06/2023 21:35

Someone with an eating disorder is not a happy person…there’s a big difference between hearing this from someone you were in love with him or otherwise committed …but after only 2 months in , do you have the emotional connection to support him in this and to move forwards? He’s been ill for a long time and doesn’t want to seek help….I wouldn’t have the energy to support this if I had asd kids who are more in need of my attention and ultimately are my priority.