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Original poster

New partner has confessed eating disorder

90 replies

Kayos10 · 18/06/2023 20:56

I started seeing someone around 2 months ago and as a foodie myself, noticed pretty soon in that he has a very bad relationship with food. He has lost around 10 stonr over the last 10 years so I put it down to this. But the other night he confessed that he is bulimic and has been for 7 years now. He eats very little and most of thar is brought straight back up again. It all makes sense now looking back over our dates and his refusal to go out for a proper dinner date etc. But I honestly don't know what to do from here. I am the first person he has ever told, not even his family or mother of his child know. I do really like him and I'm starting to care for him a lot but I'm struggling with this. He said he doesn't want to stop as it's just part of his life now but I can't see how we can grow as a couple with him doing this. We've had a big heart to heart which resulted in him getting really upset because I asked how he'd feel if he found out his daughter was living like this. I've also pointed out the side affects, organ failure, rottng teeth etc. Tbh his teeth aren't great already and I had noticed a musky smell about him which I couldn't place before but now I think it's sick. It's not repelling so I wasn't put off by it before but now I know what it is...

I just don't know where to go from here. The selfish side of me is saying get out now while you can, I'm a single mum of 3 (2 of which are ASD) Do I need this?? I'm also a massive foodie as above and I love going out for meals, all Inc holidays etc. None of which I feel Ill be able to comfortably do with him (even though he's really keen to go away!?) And the other half of me is saying you can't abandon him now, help him to get through this so we can have a chance at a lasting relationship.

Wwyd?

OP posts:
HamBone · 18/06/2023 21:36

I agree with PP’s, you need to end this relationship for your children’s sake.

If he was actively seeking help, it might be different.

Opentooffers · 18/06/2023 21:48

He's told you already he has no intention of changing, laughed at your suggestion of counselling, and has been doing this already for 10 years.
You can't turn around 10 years of addictive behaviour in someone who doesn't even want to change by mere love and support, it will drag down your life. Leave him to it.

AllOfThemWitches · 18/06/2023 21:51

Nah if he's not getting help, fuck that.

Hopingforagreatescape · 18/06/2023 21:54

No, now that you know the musky smell is vomit, then how are you going to be able to enjoy a physical relationship with him? Surely if he uses bulimia to control his weight, he might qualify for this new injectable drug (ozempic or something)? Wouldn't that be better?

ArrabellaAM · 18/06/2023 21:55

Kayos10 · 18/06/2023 21:14

My other child is a very impressionable and vulnerable 14 year old.

Show quote history

This worries me! I agree with PP definitely get out now whilst you can. 2 months is really early on. Think about yourself and your kids. He's managed 10 years by himself with this so he will continue to manage without you.

YouLittlePlonka · 18/06/2023 21:58

No fucking way would I be able to handle this shit. And you have kids? Get out.

Appalonia · 18/06/2023 22:32

You're simply not compatible and the fact he's not willing to seek help is worrying. You can't change him and you don't owe him anything. Fast forward 2 years in the future, think of all the problems this is gonna cause. Get out now or you will regret it.

Candleabra · 18/06/2023 22:48

2 months in? I would leave.

PonyPatter44 · 18/06/2023 22:51

SourDoughToast · 18/06/2023 21:06

2 months into a relationship is supposed to be fun, dating, restaurants and bars etc. Not dealing with the impact his health/ mental health issues.

I think it's too much too soon and I'm sure as a single mum of 3 you have enough on your plate without having to support this man as well.

This. Just this. Please listen to SourDough, she is spot on.

Theoscargoesto · 18/06/2023 22:55

Mother of a child with an eating disorder. You cannot fix this. Only he can and, for whatever reason, he doesn’t want to. You have no idea how hard it is to live with someone whose reality isn’t the same as yours, whose first relationship is with an illness which casts a cloud of lies and denials over themselves and their families. I had to stay, it was my child. You don’t. Please leave. If he wants to get help and try again with you at a later stage, fine. But that’s not how it is now.

PinkMendinilla · 18/06/2023 23:44

I've experienced bulimia on and off for 26 years and would say that you sound very kind but I'd recommend you let this chap go.

I feel for him but the condition affects his life to an extent that you can notice yet he is unwilling to try and do anything about it.

Idon't think it's a new partner's responsibility to try and not only help him recover but have to encourage to do so.

Your kids are impressionable and your own mental health is not indestructible. I think it might be wise to put you and your family first.

I don't think you necessarily need to tell him why if you do end things, you don't deserve to feel bad or anything. Not saying lie but I think a generic 2-months-in reason is fine.

Boomshock · 19/06/2023 01:36

And the other half of me is saying you can't abandon him now, help him to get through this so we can have a chance at a lasting relationship.

You wouldn't be abandoning him. You've only been dating for 2 months. He has a very serious mental health issue, and the chances of you being able to help with this are absolutely tiny.

AgentJohnson · 19/06/2023 05:01

And the other half of me is saying you can't abandon him now, help him to get through this so we can have a chance at a lasting relationship.

Wait what. You’ve known this guy 5 minutes and you think that you can/ should help him through something he’s made it clear he doesn’t want to change.

Give your head a wobble, end it now.

SoccerStars · 19/06/2023 05:19

It’s not selfish it’s just common sense. Even if you didn’t have kids leaving him at this early stage would be the smart thing to do. He clearly doesn’t want to change. As I’ve seen on here many times “ women aren’t rehab centres for men.” The fact that he even thought it was appropriate to dump this on you suggests he has no idea of reasonable boundaries.

I was once dating someone who had unhealthy eating patterns - he went to the gym for 3 hours at a time but would only eat one proper meal a day and then proudly tell me he had only eaten fruit before the meal. For a full grown man who goes to the gym he wasn’t eating enough protein or calories in general. And he was extremely fussy, wasn’t veggie but didn’t eat most meat, fish or vegetables. Perhaps not a full blown ED but it put me off him as it wasn’t something he was trying to change or even admitting was a problem. It also suggests he wasn’t comfortable with himself at all. I just feel it’s too hard to build a healthy relationship with someone like that.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 19/06/2023 05:23

I'd leave. Think of your kids ffs. Do you really want them to pick up on this? He's not for you to fix, he won't even get help himself.

autieawesome · 19/06/2023 05:51

I would end the relationship. It's not a commitment you should have to take on. You could support as a friend if you want but have firm boundaries in place.

snitzelvoncrumb · 19/06/2023 05:56

I would end the relationship. You have enough to deal with. If that’s how he wants to live his life that’s ok. But you don’t need to take that on yourself. There will be lots of health issues that come up due to this, you don’t want to end up playing nurse or psychologist trying to help him. He needs to sort this himself, not bring it into a new relationship.

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 19/06/2023 06:52

He said he doesn't want to stop as it's just part of his life now

No. Don’t subject yourself or your kids to this. It’s been two months. End it. You do not need this grief in your life.

isthewashingdryyet · 19/06/2023 07:00

Send him a link to Beat and the local eating disorders team and then lace up your running shoes and run.
He does not want to get better, and the long term effects of daily vomiting are awful for your health.
Run and run long and fast

VDisappointing · 19/06/2023 07:29

I had bulimia as a teen and eating disorders are unfort very common in the neuro diverse. I am sorry I would end it. He doesn’t want to get better this will always be the elephant in the room and I would be worried if your children get a whif of it and his poor relationship with food it might trigger them to reconsider their relationship with food.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 19/06/2023 07:33

I'm a single mum of 3 (2 of which are ASD) Do I need this??

no . This will sound awful as bulimia is a mental illness , but as his age it’s going to be very hard to shift and address

and you have so much on your plate already sadly

Parisj · 19/06/2023 07:53

I'd say I'm really glad you were able to tell me. I hope you will consider telling someone else close in your life, and ultimately seeking advice from your GP (at least for the sake of stomach and teeth health). If I met you in two years and you had sought help, got on top of it, and were treating yourself well, then I would really respect that and if I was single I would want to go on a date. Right now, I'm looking for fun, to enjoy meals with someone, and to see someone who is respectful and compassionate to themselves. I have a lot of respect for you not lying about it, I hope you move on from it (it's not your friend).

FionnulaTheCooler · 19/06/2023 07:58

Break up with him. He doesn't want to change and he will only end up dragging you down with him if you stay.

bumblebee2235 · 19/06/2023 08:11

Unfortunately I would be out, and say we could revisit once recovery/help was implemented.

I had an ED for over 10 years.... the more entrenched I became it was hell for the people around me. There would be arguements, worry, hospital admissions. Do you really want that around your children?

If he wanted to recover that would be different.

But to be around someone who doesn't want to do may never get better? Kids are clever he will slip up with his habits at some point and they'll start to see things not adding up.

Honestly your setting yourself up for a world of horror x

Kilorrery · 19/06/2023 08:15

Camp right down on your saviour syndrome and end it immediately. For your children’s sake if not your own.

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