Page 4 | New partner has confessed eating disorder

marblesthecat · 19/06/2023 11:28

I have suffered from bulimia for 18 years and honestly I think you should get out if he doesn't want to recover.

AncientBallerina · 19/06/2023 11:32

It is not selfish to prioritise yourself and your children- it is your responsibility to do so. Being in a relationship (of whatever kind) with someone with an eating disorder is hell on earth. Food is a fundamental and (should be) an enjoyable part of life. EDs destroy this for the person and everyone around them. It’s every day every meal every week every month you get the picture. After two months you don’t owe him anything especially when he has no intention of getting any help.

monsteramunch · 19/06/2023 11:40

It is not selfish to prioritise yourself and your children- it is your responsibility to do so.

This is it in a nutshell OP.

You're worried about being unkind and selfish, but it would be unkind to yourself and crucially unkind and selfish towards your children, to pursue a relationship with someone you've known a matter of weeks who has a mental health condition they are not proactively working on.

He laughed at you when you suggested he seek help.

To continue dating this man considering you have children, let alone an impressionable and vulnerable child (as described by you), would be completely irresponsible.

It's a little worrying you're considering it and I wonder whether it's worth some deeper thinking about what you would like out of a relationship and how to develop some more robust boundaries when it comes to your expectations.

As a parent, your primary responsibility is of course to your children. This relationship developing isn't in their best interests at all.

porridgeisbae · 19/06/2023 12:23

I am going through an NHS program for eating disorders OP (I have EDNOS/atypical bulimia which if he doesn't binge just tries to throw up fairly normal amounts of food, is what he has) and if you gave him an ultimatum that he must get help/work on it, he will not be able to unless he really wants to because what people need to do is very hard.

He also would not be eligible for NHS help probably if he has a partial syndrome. I was very lucky as I have bipolar and the purging might effect the absorption of my medication I really need, which is why they let me on. There's also a long waiting list of course.

There might be a plan on the NHS site but the way he can find an evidence based plan if he tries to do it privately, is to find one that gets people to eat at least 3 meals and 2 snacks. As you can imagine this is impossible unless the person is really ready/willing to engage.

I've tried all sorts of other therapies which didn't do anything so I'm very grateful to get this most evidence based help.

But anyway, the point of my long winded post is I think you should dump him- there's no hope for his recovery unless he really, really wants it.

HamBone · 19/06/2023 14:45

@SoccerStars I have a male relative similar to your ex, not diagnosed with an ED, but obsessed with their weight and fitness. It’s uncomfortable when they proudly say that they’ve lost 2oz-who measures their weight in ounces?!
I don’t know how his wife tolerates it, I think she ignores it, tbh. He’s a nice person, but I find his obsessiveness uncomfortable.

TinaYouFatLard · 19/06/2023 17:14

It strikes me as a bit of a red flag that he’s confessed this to you when he hasn’t told anyone else. It’s made you feel responsible in some way and it’s telling that you partly feel you can’t “abandon” him now. There could be some emotional manipulation going on.

Run, don’t walk.

porridgeisbae · 19/06/2023 18:51

Thinking about it I wonder if you truly are the only person he's told, or if some of his exes were also 'the only one I've told.'

Some women find the sharing of such vulnerable info endearing, so some manipulative men maybe make a habit of appearing to particularly confide info to you alone in order to foster an illusion of deep emotional intimacy.

fuckmyuteruslining · 19/06/2023 19:40

Get out. Get out now. Cut all contact. Don't look back.
You don't need that in your life.

Original poster

Kayos10 · 20/06/2023 06:16

I have ended it but I'm genuinely gutted, I did really like him and I know he felt the same.

OP posts:

Harryyourenogoodalone · 20/06/2023 06:25

Honestly the sick smell alone would be too much for me.

However it's the fact that he's not wanting to change or get better which would scare me and end it. Because that would be your life. Hearing him vomit and cleaning up after.

ripplingwater · 20/06/2023 06:27

And the other half of me is saying you can't abandon him now, help him to get through this so we can have a chance at a lasting relationship

I say this kindly, but you arent that powerful. An eating disorder isnt something that just disappears because the person has found someone they love. If this was the case, noone in a good relationship would ever get ED and many do. ED is a deep rooted, psychological condition that requires therapy and professional help. It wont fade away if you love him enough or encourage him enough. He has to be willing and motivated to engage in the therapeutic process (which can be a rough road) which he has told you he isnt.

I would end this relationship, it could potentially be very damaging to both you and especially your children.

ChrisTrepidation · 20/06/2023 06:45

You've done the right thing ending it op.

He has a serious MH condition that he doesn't want to seek help for. I guarantee you would have ended up being his support yourself. You deserve better than that and your children don't need to potentially be around a guy who could damage them with his disordered eating.

Well.done for being so strong and sensible.

Dumpruntime · 20/06/2023 07:21

Kayos10 · 20/06/2023 06:16

I have ended it but I'm genuinely gutted, I did really like him and I know he felt the same.

Honestly you dodged a bullet and I don’t say that lightly

you’d be at home at night, hearing or knowing he was in the loo vomiting, the smell would start to give you the ick becuase your brain would always class it as vomit, every night out, holiday, lunch, would be underlined with tension. A battle over food. Knowing he was going to the loo to make himself sick. Knowing he was bingeing,

in reality it’s incredibly difficult to be round. It is a mental illness, the fact he doesn’t wish to get better is the key issue, if he did then potentially it could be salvageable if you were willing to put in the time and effort as he recovered. But he doesn’t wish to do that

it would also impact uou, and your kids, on how you deal with food. As said my friends are both bulimic, but what’s for sure, is one of them was first, I think it was him, and it got to her over the years so much she also became bulimic. I’ve been in restaurant loos, followed her in and heard her chucking up. It’s awful

sadly for your own future self and your kids, out is the only option

billy1966 · 20/06/2023 07:47

ChrisTrepidation · 20/06/2023 06:45

You've done the right thing ending it op.

He has a serious MH condition that he doesn't want to seek help for. I guarantee you would have ended up being his support yourself. You deserve better than that and your children don't need to potentially be around a guy who could damage them with his disordered eating.

Well.done for being so strong and sensible.

Absolutely this.

I would not want this around my children or myself for that matter.

SammyScrounge · 22/06/2023 01:18

Kayos10 · 18/06/2023 20:56

I started seeing someone around 2 months ago and as a foodie myself, noticed pretty soon in that he has a very bad relationship with food. He has lost around 10 stonr over the last 10 years so I put it down to this. But the other night he confessed that he is bulimic and has been for 7 years now. He eats very little and most of thar is brought straight back up again. It all makes sense now looking back over our dates and his refusal to go out for a proper dinner date etc. But I honestly don't know what to do from here. I am the first person he has ever told, not even his family or mother of his child know. I do really like him and I'm starting to care for him a lot but I'm struggling with this. He said he doesn't want to stop as it's just part of his life now but I can't see how we can grow as a couple with him doing this. We've had a big heart to heart which resulted in him getting really upset because I asked how he'd feel if he found out his daughter was living like this. I've also pointed out the side affects, organ failure, rottng teeth etc. Tbh his teeth aren't great already and I had noticed a musky smell about him which I couldn't place before but now I think it's sick. It's not repelling so I wasn't put off by it before but now I know what it is...

I just don't know where to go from here. The selfish side of me is saying get out now while you can, I'm a single mum of 3 (2 of which are ASD) Do I need this?? I'm also a massive foodie as above and I love going out for meals, all Inc holidays etc. None of which I feel Ill be able to comfortably do with him (even though he's really keen to go away!?) And the other half of me is saying you can't abandon him now, help him to get through this so we can have a chance at a lasting relationship.

Wwyd?

I'd say run while you still can. If you don't, his illness will consume your life as it consumes his. You have children - they shouldn't be part of the cheerleaders group if he manages to keep a meal down once in a while.
Has he never had any treatment for his illness? He needs assistance from experts ,. not a mother with children trying to make his behaviours seem normal.A doctor can organise dieticians and psychiatrists and therapists to assist him.Maybe an improvement in his food habits would bring some hope of a future for you both.
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